Bloggin with Kat

Praise Report from my mom...

2008-10-14T14:31:00.003-05:00

Hello family & friends,

I met with my surgeon this morning at Walter Reed and was given my pathology report. I am cancer free. No chemo needed. My lymph nodes, 3 on the right and 1 node taken on the left, all came back clear/negative for cancer. I had a peasized tumor, clear margins and stage 1 cancer. I will be on a hormone supplement only.

I am praising the Lord as I write. Thank you for all of your prayers, calls, emails and notes of encouragement.

I also had 2 of the 4 drain tubes removed and will have the 2 remaining removed next Monday. I also received another "fill-up" for my tissue expanders so I feel pumped up today in more ways than one.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude and praises for what an Awesome God we serve.

I am on the road to recovery. I am not the same woman who went into surgery as my heart is filled with God's love and compassion, especially for those suffering with cancer.

Now, to get back to my daily walks, but at a slower pace.

Love and hugs to you all,
Anne

Note from Kat....I cried with relief when I heard this news...please let this speak to the power of God and the importance of MRI's. Please use this as an opportunity to push your health care systems to allow MRI's for ALL high risk women so they can have such a great outcome.

Home Again

2008-10-02T15:37:00.002-05:00

So Mom is home again and is back to usual spunky self. We arrived home from Walter Reed at about 3 pm today. We were all ready to come home, her more than the rest of us. After a night full of frequent wakenings she quickly realized she would rather be home in her own bed instead of in a sterile hospital room where you get leg cuffs that squeeze your legs every minute, connected to machines that beep. Wakened by nurses that are just as tired and clueless as the patient who is still under massive amounts of drugs. (Just one nurse, the rest were actually great.)

I decided to spend the night in my mom's room when we realized that the overworked/understaffed floor was going to make it difficult to even get help to the restroom. As we all know, when you gotta go, you gotta go, and you can't wait 45 minutes for a nurse to come help, but after a major surgery, you are not safe to brave the walk to the restroom alone. I helped her with my experience in navigating drains, bathroom trips, regular pain meds and sorting out all the various drs. instructions. She has conveyed several times that she was thankful to have a familiar face to help her navigate through her evening. Isn't it funny how life's roles take us full circle?

Dad returned home and got some much needed rest after having gotten up very early and waiting around all day for my mom's surgery. My aunt Mary Rita (Dad's sister) came to the waiting room and spend most of the day engaging my dad in lively conversation to help pass the time. He was really thankful to have her there. I arrived to the hospital around 7 pm, after driving straight up from Blacksburg. (about 5 hours).

It will be 7-10 days for Mom to receive her full pathology report, but all indications now are all that we could have asked for. She is healing well. She has very little pain and her spirits are good.

Please continue to pray for a clear pathology and the right combination of factors that could allow her to skip chemo.

Thank you for your prayers, she can feel them....

Anne / Mom is out of surgery

2008-10-01T19:03:00.002-05:00

Mom came out of surgery at about 4pm and everything went smoothly. There is no visual indications of cancer in the lymph nodes. Please pray that the pathology report confirms that they are cancer-free.

She is feeling some minor discomfort from tightness in the chest, but otherwise is feeling well. (It feels like a sports bra that's way too small.)

I arrived at around 7pm to her room and she was a bit loopy from the drugs but in good spirits. I will update you more later as I get more details.

Please keep praying; she feels your prayers.

Kat

Mom's Surgery Moved to Today

2008-10-01T12:13:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that Mom's surgery was moved to today because it allowed the surgeon to have more time in the OR. She went under the knife sometime around 9-10 am. I will update you all later today as I have more details. PLEASE PRAY for clear nodes, no complications and an easy recovery. I will let you all know more later.

I am leaving Blacksburg, VA at 1pm to travel up to be with her. (about a 5-6 hour trip).

blessings,

Kat

Words from Anne

2008-09-19T14:10:00.001-05:00

"There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment, but as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what the Lord is."
- Alan Redpath

Update on the pesky other nodes

2008-09-18T21:02:00.000-05:00

Jim calls my cancer a very formidable enemy who needs to be taken seriously, confronted and given a death blow.
An update on my ultrasound appt this am. After doing the ultrasound trying to locate the abnormal lymph node cells, they couldn't do a fine needle aspiration (FNA) as there appeared to be no abnormal or pathological nodes to do a FNA, but since the small cluster of (not totally normal) nodes are buried so deep that the fine needle couldn't get to them, they will go ahead and do a sentinel node dissection on both breasts during surgery. Good news, bad news. If they could have done a FNA today and found my nodes were negative, they would know that no more nodes were involved. Pray for cancer-free nodes on both sides. I will have to wait for results. If both sides show negative nodes, which is more than likely on the right side, they will not have to go in and do another surgery to remove all of the auxiliary nodes (I think this is correct)..Kat is concerned about lymphadema even with just 2-3 nodes removed. Dr. Weiss, my medical onocologist at Walter Reed, would be shocked if any positive nodes were found on my right side. Georgetown concurred that is how they would proceed also, since some raised nodes appeared in the MRI findings. I am so tired as we left at 7am for a 9:30 appt. at Walter R.and made it just in time due to morning traffic. The breast center team is top notch, but the drive is a challenge. Praise God I have access to such a fine facility and team...I could live out in the rural area where options are more limited. Thank you, one and all, for your prayers and loving words of support. This is a little c in my life. Jesus Christ is the big C and is carrying my burdens on His shoulders.
Anne

Hey Stupid Cancer...leave my family alone

2008-09-17T12:44:00.004-05:00

So I am starting up my blog again. This time it is for my mom, Anne. After years of annual mammograms I encouraged my mom to start getting MRI's after my diagnosis. For high risk women this is considered the most accurate and valuable diagnostic tool for detecting cancer as early as possible. Since my mom has had 4 sisters and a daughter with breast cancer, plus she is BRCA2+ she is VERY high risk. Last year the MRI came back all clean.

This year...different story. After the MRI found a suspicious area she had a needle biopsy and was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) the same type of cancer I had two years ago. Her initial pathology indicates a hormone positive cancer (a good thing) and the aggressiveness is Grade 2 (she has no Stage yet, this is just about the aggressiveness). This is on a scale of 1-3 so this is the "mid level" of aggressiveness. This is better than my very aggressive Grade 3 cancer, so a good thing.

My brother Matt & I drove up to Northern VA last friday and I went along with my mom and dad to a full day of doctors (plastic surgeon, radiology oncologist, medical oncologist, psychologist, surgeon) It was a long day, but having been through this with myself and now helping at least 5 other women navigate this initial post-diagnosis frenzy, I worked to break down the basics for my folks and help them survey their options and questions left unanswered.

They have decided at this point not to have a formal second opinion because of the logistics involved in going outside the military system. They have had a Doctor at Walter Reed Army medical center have some of his collegues look at my mom's case, but no formal second opinion at this time.

Her initial surgery (she has opted for a double mastectomy because of the high risk to developing a second cancer in any remaining breast tissue) is set for October 2nd.

Please pray for these things...

--she has enlarged lymph nodes on the opposite side from her cancer and in any normal situation this would be no big deal, but since she is undergoing cancer surgery, these lymph nodes need to at least be investigated in some way. Please pray this process will be with as little intervention as possible and please pray for a clear indication that these and ALL OTHER LYMPH NODES ARE CLEAR

--please pray for the decision process of navigating doctors, options, treatments, etc.

--Please pray for the actual surgery, surgeon, anethesia, recovery, pain maintainance.

--please pray for us as her family: Dad, Lara, Joe, Kathleen, Matt and our families that we would know how to serve her best, that we would have the emotional strength to endure, support, care, love, laugh and pour out to each other and my mom.

--please pray that all decisions would be clear and without ambiguity. that the Lord's direction and path would be lit clearly.

Please check back for ongoing updates in my mom's fight. She's got the boxing gloves on and she will fight.

Kat

Today is my One Year Cancerversary.

2007-06-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

One year ago today at 3:30 pm, my life changed forever. I can picture where I was standing, right by the stove in the kitchen of our rental place. Jeff was sitting at the table and the kids were running around playing. I had the full expectation that the Dr. was calling to tell me that the biopsy was fine and the results were negative. Then he said, "I'm sorry, I can't believe it myself, but the results were positive." I remember thinking, "Positive is good, wait no, positive is bad, wait no, is he saying its cancer?" I became numb all over and walked out of the room to collect my thoughts enough to begin asking questions. I knew I would remember very little of what he said from then on so I grabbed a pen and scrap of paper. I said, "I know I won't remember this later, so can you tell me exactly what I need to know right now word for word so I can begin to process this. " He recited a lot of lingo from the pathology. I then asked, "we are going to Disney in a few weeks, can this wait until after we come back?" He then said, "I think it is doubtful you will be taking that trip to Disney, this needs to be dealt with immediately, this is the most aggressive type of cancer."

And with those words, I became a breast cancer survivor. There is much discussion in the breast cancer world as to when you start marking your point at which you went from being an average Joe walking down the street to the "breast cancer survivor." Is it from the point of diagnosis? Is it from the point at which you had you surgery to remove the cancer? Is it when you are done with treatments? Though these are all important milestones, for me I began the process of "surviving" the hour I was diagnosed. If you are thrown into the pool and tread water for a while you don't count your journey from when you are pulled out of the pool, you mark it from when you were thrown into the water.

I had been thinking about this day all week, but today I woke up early to work at Starbucks and didn't think about the date of today until about noon. I don't plan to make a huge deal about it, I guess you could call it a quiet acknowledgment in my heart of what this day means to me. In some ways I am thrilled to be at this place, alive, hair growing back, breasts in process. I remember thinking very early on last year that I couldn't wait to be a year out and looking back on all the stuff that laid ahead at that time. I am also sad that my life is forever changed. I will always wonder if a little ache or pain is the cancer returning. I will always look closer at articles about people diagnosed with cancer or stories about new technologies and treatments. I will from here on out be an oncology patient. No one ever wants to have an oncology Dr. in their rolodex, despite how much I like my doctor.

Since diagnosis, I have done support groups, Relay for Life, Race for the Cure and shared at several events, I will always wear the "survivor" color shirt at these events. I will always look at the driver of a car with a pink ribbon magnet on it and wonder, "how long has she been a survivor? How is she doing?" I will always be able to pick out women wearing wigs, because I have been there and I know the subtle signs. I will always know the best pain killers, anti nausea meds, surgery tricks and quick heals. As nice as it is to share these things for others, I wish I didn't know them.

I will always be able to look in the eyes of another survivor and without saying a word, be able to read the shared pain and fear we share.

Today, I am a one year survivor. Today I feel hope mixed with an anxious future of what the Lord holds in his plan for me. Today, I am so thankful for those who carried me through and the blessings I have each day. Today, I am grateful for another year of life.

Kat

p.s. We did make that trip to Disney last year, just three weeks after my double mastectomy. We purchased an annual pass, because we knew we would return in a year's time to celebrate our victory over cancer. So on Tuesday, June 12th, we leave for Disney, to start that celebration of a long life ahead.

Pictures from the battlefront

2007-04-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

Pictures of the President's helicopters flying right over our house.

Pictures from the Prayer Vigil our church held the night of the shootings.

Pictures from the student dinner of 50+ students for InterVarsity on Tuesday night.

Pictures of the media chaos.

Here is my personal photo essay of some of the images from this week. We took all these pictures ourselves. --Kat

Picking up the pieces after tragedy pays an unwelcome visit.

2007-04-19T17:45:00.000-05:00

I can't believe its only been 3 days since a madman took the innocence from our town. It feels like we have lived a lifetime in the last few days and our world's have changed.

First, let me start by saying many thanks to your outpouring of notes, emails and love. It is felt here in Blacksburg. I know it is powerless to hear such a major tragedy and not now how you can help, so I will give you two specific ways to help. First, is money. There are two organizations on campus that have been the backbone of some of the counseling and support provided to students and community in the last few days. While holding vigils, dinners, care packages and events are a needed thing, it comes with a financial cost too and these are not rich ministries. So I would like to ask you to consider making a financial donation to either New Life Christian Fellowship (NLCF) or InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.

NLCF is a church that is made up of about 95 % college students. Since students can"t give money or tithe like us working folk can, their financial resources are always being stretched to accomodate a regular attendance of 1,000 students. They have been everywhere this week and they are an amazing outreach to these students. To send a donation a check can be made out to: “NLCF” and send it to PO Box 111 Blacksburg, VA 24060 or you can follow this link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_xclick&business=nlcfbburg%40gmail%2ecom&item_name=New%20Life%20Christian%20Fellowship&item_number=54%2d1306658&no_shipping=2&no_note=1&tax=0¤cy_code=USD&lc=US&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF&charset=UTF%2d8 and make a credit card donation online.

For InterVarsity, they are a group that I was heavily involved in at William & Mary, came on staff and worked for at Mary Washington and now volunteer with at VA Tech. They have an amazing outreach to students include large group gatherings, small groups and special events. Their staff of 3 has been stretched to its limits this week as they have watched some of their members die in this tragedy and now have to clean up the emotional and spiritual pieces left in its wake. To give to them you can make a donation by following this link: https://my.intervarsity.org/506777a65547e901f8e10b89b1150e52/donate.php Please make sure your donation is directed to "the staff workers at Virginia Tech. "

Second, please keep praying for these students and community. The media locusts will come, feed and leave, but the pain will still linger for a very long time. Some students will not return at all this semester. The school has given the students an option to finish their students online, or take their grade as is, and I know of many students that are taking this option. The community is reeling from the violation of our town. The media has overrun or town, sometimes good, but frankly mostly bad as they have sensationalized this story to sound as if we are a bunch of angry people stomping around demanding answers. In fact it is quite the contrary. Most people have spoken of defending the university and its actions and watching the news you would think otherwise. Jeff and I have had several requests for interviews, between the two of us we have been on a New Zealand radio show, Shepherd Smith's fox news show, requests from CNN, several local stations from different parts of the country and a local morning radio station. We feel the need to share the power of the Lord in the midst of this pain and present a positive message when there is so much negative information out there.

For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, you may remember me describing reading the story of Jesus calming the storm right after I was diagnosed. Here is an excerpt from that post:

Jesus is in a boat with some of his disciples. They are trying to fish, he is trying to get some shut-eye. Who knows why he is sleeping, its not like he wasn't a busy guy. Maybe he had had a lot of talks that day, maybe a lot of healings, maybe he had been traveling for days, maybe he was just exhausted from dealing with all the emotional needs and wants of others (boy, haven't we all been there at some point or other) but he was snoozin'. So then all hell brakes loose. A storm (like something out of the perfect storm) hits them like a hurricane. Here's the kicker and the part that recently got to me. JESUS IS STILL ASLEEP! I read that about 2 weeks after my diagnosis and I even wrote a note next to the margin that said, "do I feel like he is still asleep in my storm?" The disciples are in a panic that they will die. (I am in a panic that I will die) and Jesus is still asleep, why???? Here's the good news...If I were asleep and the kids started into panic, but I knew before I fell asleep that this panic would be over nothing and that I was going to fix it just fine when I woke up and (most importantly) if I knew that no harm would come to them during whatever crisis they were experiencing, I might keep sleeping too. That's Jesus. He knew. He knew that the storm was not going to harm them, almost as trivial as when I know that my daughter's life is not going to end when she can't find a hair clip to match her outfit. Why didn't the disciples know? I mean come on, Jesus had healed, calmed and restored endless times for all of them to see. Why didn't I know, I mean Jesus had healed me when I thought Bethany was going to be born way too soon (despite many doctors disbelief), Jesus had calmed me when I was scared about all my boyfriend break-ups, test flunkings, or disappointing someone I cared for. Jesus had restored me when I thought I would never get married, or when someone hurt me. Why didn't I know that he was sleeping in my storm, because he knew I would not be harmed?

I thought a lot about that passage this week. I know there are many families out there feeling like Jesus is asleep in the midst of their storm. Some of you may be wondering when he going to show up to save our country from the wind and the rain, just screaming inside, "JESUS, WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED!!!", but you don't feel like he has. Well, I can tell you as one of the people rowing the boat, that if he were a useless God, he would be dead, and he isn't, he is very much alive. He is alive and ready to save us all from the death of the storm. It sure as heck, doesn't feel that way when we are tasting the salt water on our lips and trying to keep our boat upright, but he knows that he will care his children, but sometimes that is in Heaven and not here on earth. Sometimes it is in the awakening we get in our own lives when we confront such a tragedy as this. Sometimes it is in that thankfulness we have for the little moments we have with our family and friends. I loved what the mother of Mary Read said in response to hearing her daughter was killed this week. She said, "I may not understand why God took her when he did, but I am so thankful he allowed us to have her for the time we did." Jesus is weeping alongside all of us this week, and he wants so desperately to have a personal relationship with each of us in this intimate way. That is how I know he is not asleep in the midst of this storm, because he knows he will care for his children.

Please keep praying.
Go Hokies!
Kat

The tragedy at Virginia Tech

2007-04-16T21:37:00.000-05:00

I know unless you are living under a rock the last day, you will know that we have had a major tragedy here in Blacksburg, Virginia. I can't even begin to describe for you how this has rocked our little town of Blacksburg. We moved out of Northern Virginia to get out of this stuff. I thought we had seen the end of our "running from snipers" days when we moved out of Manassas. Today, I found myself walking into Starbucks with the exact feeling I had when the sniper was on the run in the DC area a few years ago.

I heard about the first shooting right away in the morning and then heard the details of the additional shootings as they unfolded, while I was working at Starbucks. We were the only place open in downtown Blacksburg. It was a mixed feeling of being upset we were still open, but proud that we were not going to let fear shut us down.

As the casualty numbers began to rise, I thought at first they were merely talking about injuries, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I realized they were talking about deaths.

As of now we don't know if we know anyone hurt or killed. We have heard of 2 people who are in our various ministry connections that are "missing", and we are hoping it is just a loss of confusion in the midst of almost no cell phone connection and scattered individuals.

We have allowed our phone number to be posted on Virginia Tech's InterVarsity's web site (a college ministry I have been involved with for over 10 years) and as a result we have gotten calls from all over the world. Just tonight, Jeff will be on the morning radio show for a Christian radio station in New Zealand. We have opened our house to students who need to get away from campus or parents who need a place to stay (there are many coming to town just to give their kids some comfort). Tomorrow we will babysit a bunch of kids as their parents attend a campus memorial service and we are hoping to host a dinner for students tomorrow night. We received a call from CNN asking if they could get footage of any prayer vigil or student gathering we hold, so we will see. We are trying to do our part to be there for others.

A dear friend of mine from high school (thanks Chris M.) turned me on to a book called "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving, which they later made into a movie called "Simon Birch". (Not nearly as good as the book) Basically, the essence of the story is that this misfit kid who never really fit in in life and spent a great deal of time alone develops this set of quirks and repetitive things that he likes to do. Sometimes it is the same types of disappointments repeating throughout his life. At the end this specific set of events form a major tragedy and Owen must use his long history of gifts, disappointments, quirks and will to save the day. He realizes his life full of disappointment and adversity prepared him for this moment. I felt like Owen Meany today. I understood grief in a depth I would not have known a year ago. I prayed in a way I could not have prayed a year ago and I understand the darkness the heart feels with such unexplainable pain. I guess I can thank cancer for that. I huddled around these students at this prayer vigil and was able to remove myself enough from the situation to truly be there for them. It was a good feeling.

Thank you for those of you who have contacted us. Please continue to pray for us as we try to comfort others. Please pray for Jeff as he wrestles with the tragedy that happened in a building he had many classes in and most importantly, please pray for the families of the victims.

Kat

See my life could be more stressful -- life lessons from nature

2007-04-03T18:46:00.000-05:00

I had to post this. We have a stubborn bird that is always sitting smack dab in the middle of the driveway when we drive in and out of our new house. Today I walked up the driveway and found out that she had LAID EGGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVEWAY! I am not sure what we are going to do when her chicks come.

On a spiritual level it made me realize how much life there is in the midst of the chaos and danger of the world. Boy, I thought my life was stressful, no wonder why she is so upset everytime we drive in and out. I wonder how many of us have cars driving over the top of us when we are just trying to be quiet and raise our families.

Kat

Its turns out all the king's horses and all the king's men, can put Humpty Dumpty back together again...

2007-03-26T18:47:00.000-05:00

Or at least all the "Dr. Right's" and his fellows and residents can put Kat back together again...

This blog entry is a huge praise for the miracle of modern medicine and plastic surgeon's that are artists. I spoke in my last entry about finding "Dr. Right", Dr. Scott Spear at Georgetown University Hospital in DC. Jeff was not able to go to Northern Virginia with me for the surgery, because Bethany got strep throat after being on an antibiotic for a ruptured ear drum (I am not sure how that happened, but after 5 days out of school they needed to be home to go back to school.) So Liam and I ventured off for the 4 hour journey to my mom's house, with at least a week's worth of clothes, because I just didn't know what my recovery would be like.

On March 9th I went under the knife once again. Dr. Spear entered the pre-op room with no less than 7 people in tow. There were fellows and interns and residents and nurses. The people just kept filing in. I guess that is part of what comes with having surgery at a teaching hospital, you get a village, not just the chief. It was kind of cool to think that all of these people were coming together for several hours just to make sure I had nice looking breasts again. My dad got up at 5 am and hung out at GU all day just to take care of his little girl. He even had a conversation with a dear friend of mine (a fellow young breast cancer survivor) who lives in Georgetown and came to check on my progress. Meanwhile, mom was home chasing Liam the wild man, around in circles.

The surgery was scheduled to take an hour and a half, but actually ended up being 3 hours because he had to do some muscle fixing, suturing and rearranging once he got in there. It also ended up being quite a bit more painful then I had bargained for. Pretty close to the pain I experienced after the initial mastectomies. Anytime you are operating on muscle, you can pretty much guarantee you will have a lot more pain. Even now, 3 weeks later, I still feel some tightness and pain when I stretch or lay on my sides. It will pass eventually.

WARNING...detailed Breast info in the next paragraph...

So you are dying to know.....how do they look? THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Jeff and I have both come to the conclusion that they are possibly better looking than my pre-cancer breasts. Yes, they really do look that good. Dr. Spear is truly an artist. I don't know where he stands spiritually, but if God gives out the gift of crafting nice breasts, Dr. Spear has it. He was able to do things I didn't even think was possible, like making my previous scars almost undetectable. I did come out of surgery with a lot more pain and two drains (two tubes and bulb shaped plastic balls that go inside your incisions and drain excess fluid, you have to empty them several times a day.) They are just as gross as they sound. Fortunately, I only had them in for 3 days (after my mastectomies it was over a week). All that being said, it was totally worth it for the results. I am now the living embodiment of "no pain, no gain." I am probably about a small "D" cup now (bigger than my natural breasts, but so pretty if I do say so myself)

BACK TO GENERAL TALK AGAIN....

I have tissue expanders in and will have to wait until the fall to switch them back to silicone implants again. One, because the Dr. wants to let them settle out and see what adjustments might need to be made and two, since they FDA has approved silicone implants for everyone now, now there is a several month waiting list for the Dr.'s implants of choice. bummer.

Now, I am recovering and trying to get back to normal again. Not just a "new" normal after cancer, but the good old fashioned normal of laundry, getting grass to grow, changing diapers (yes, no luck on the potty training front yet) and running errands. Its funny how much you miss this normal stuff when it gets taken from you for a few months, so try to find a little joy in these things, if just as an homage to all us cancer survivors out there.

Thank you for your ongoing prayers. Please pray for my family and friends as two of them have a double mastectomy and hysterectomy coming up. I am just tired of surgeries for me and those around me. I don't want to be the resident expert on these things, but I seem to be a lot lately, and its not something I want on my resume.

blessings to you all
Kat

Paging "Dr. Right"

2007-03-02T19:36:00.000-05:00

OK, so my last surgery was a plane crash. A fiery inferno that landed on my chest with extra scars and a flat chest, but I still walked out of the wreckage. Let's just say, I decided not to fly that airline anymore. After December's surgery I decided to put on my medical student hat again and learn everything there is to know about breast reconstruction after mastectomy. I did this kind of research with my oncology, chemo, choice of surgery, and I did not do this for my plastic surgery and reconstruction. I really have no regrets about this though. I know if the same situation presented itself again, but I have the knowledge I do now, I might not have made any different choices. At the time I had to decide about my reconstruction, I just wanted the cancer out. So I focused on getting the cancer out with the right general surgeon and keeping it out with the right treatment and oncology plan, but I did not do my research on what I really wanted and more importantly, what I could get or was reasonable to expect from my reconstruction. I don't beat myself up about this, I just chalk it up as lesson learned and hope that by sharing what I have learned with other women (like the women on my favorite Breast cancer site, or my online support group) that I can help prevent them experiencing some of the same disappointment I had.

I could write a whole blog on what I learned not to do through the reconstruction process, and I will in the future, but for now I will share with you my personal process that I have arrived at in the last few months.

After December's surgery I decided to research the literature and cancer sites to find out who was the best of the best in terms of breast reconstruction. There are some who specialize in different types of reconstruction, so I was looking for the Dr. who was the best at breast reconstruction from implants. All of my research and looking at who authored some major studies on the subject, kept leading me back to one man, Dr. Scott Spear in Georgetown, DC at Georgetown Hospital. I called for an appointment and had one scheduled for the weekend I was going to be in town anyway for a breast cancer conference with Young Survival Coalition. Last weekend, we had this conference (an amazing weekend for me) -- more on that later. Monday morning Jeff and I braved the 6 inches of snow they got in the DC area the day before and met with Dr. Spear.

You can tell when you have entered the office of someone in high demand because we had to go through several "layers" of staff and interviews before he would see us. I was told to sit in a very specific chair (Jeff and I had to switch places) and they had very specific methods for doing things. I had been warned that Dr. Spear was all about business and not a small talk kind of guy. I was totally OK with this. He doesn't have to be my friend as long as he is great with a scalpel. I imagine if I was earlier in this process or had just been diagnosed, this might be more of an issue, but it wasn't for me.

My prayer for the last few weeks has been that I would walk in there and he would say, "We can absolutely get you the breasts you want" with no hesitation. Several people have asked me what exactly is wrong with my breasts now, is it just that they are too small? The answer to this question is No, its more than that. (Warning: Boobie details coming)....I was told I would never be able to have breasts as large as I had before cancer (a full C cup) because the implant was behind the muscle you could only go so large. I have since learned this in not the case, it just requires different techniques in getting the implant in there. So I would like to be as close (or maybe a little bigger, wink, wink) to that previous size I was before. Dr. Spear said, No problem. Second, my breasts are VERY far apart right now, at least 6 inches apart. The edge of my implant is actually under my armpit. I was told that I could not get them any closer without damaging the pectoral muscle or keeping them behind the muscle. I have also since learned that this is not the case. I want cleavage again. Dr. Spear said, No problem. Third, I have some "hills and valleys" on the overall breast shape (one huge valley on the left side) that need to be rounded out to look more breast shaped, Dr. Spear said No, problem. In fact, he said in the final surgery he sometimes uses body fat from other parts of the body to fill in any of these type of imperfections. (So you mean I might get a small liposuction out of the deal? SIGN ME UP!) Lastly, I had two more large scars on my chest from my second surgery. I had understood that I was going to have additional scars, but I I thought they would be small inch long incisions, instead they are 3 inch incisions and quite large. I have since learned that going through the original incision is the common practice for final implant placement and has been proven to have little or no affect on infection or incision healing. Unfortunately, there is nothing Dr. Spear can do to get rid of these additional scars, but he can do all my procedures from here forward through my original mastectomy scars and perhaps clean them up a little along the way. Three out of four requests is not bad. I realize there are some people reading this blog who may want to know what my breasts look like now for the sake of your own reconstruction journey or perhaps to share with someone you know going through this journey. If that is the case, you may email me and I will be happy to show you pictures of my current chest. I will admit it is something I am embarrassed by, but I think is important to share with others on this journey, because I wish I had seen the good with the bad when I started on my own journey.

How will he do this? I guess cancer is a lot of "one step forward, two steps back" at times. He gave me the option of having one more surgery where he puts in a larger implant, but admitted I would not likely have the cosmetic results I would desire. He is 5 hours away from me, so logistically this presents additional issues in terms of future surgeries and follow-up appointments, but I know now that it is worth taking some additional time to get things right. I have learned one thing very clearly through cancer. It is much easier to live a life of patient decisions then of distant regrets. With that being said, we decided to go back to tissue expanders. Goodbye, nice soft implants, here comes large rocks on my chest again. Then after several more large (and likely quite painful) expansions I will have enough stretch of my muscle and skin to get the best situation for Dr. Spear to work with.

So where does that leave me? I decided Dr. Spear was "Dr. Right" and his DETAILED measurements of my chest and outlining my plan from this point forward showed me that he really knows his stuff and was creating the best plan for me. He normally has a 2-3 month waiting list for non-emergency surgeries of this type, so I went out to meet with receptionist and get on "the list". THIS IS HOW I KNOW OUR GOD IS A PERSONAL GOD WHO CARES ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS....His receptionist told me he had a cancellation for THIS Friday, March 9th, would I like the slot? I jumped at the opportunity, and signed up. So, this Friday, we will travel back up to NoVA and I will go under the knife for surgery number 5 in this cancer journey. He will remove my current implants, and replace them with wider, larger tissue expanders. He will also create a bigger cavity and bring the expanders closer together so I can have my cleavage again. Look out Pamela Anderson, I am going to give you a run for your money.

So how I am feeling about all this? Let's just say, I am cautiously optimistic. The thing about cancer is that it sucks the hope out of you every chance it gets. Cancer is not just a malformation of cells, it kind of malforms your hope and spirit sometimes too. I want to be excited, but I feel like I just can't let myself get my hopes up again at this stage of the game. It doesn't mean God is any less a God, or that he can't do this thing to make me feel whole again, but I often wonder if maybe he just doesn't want to. So for now I sort through what it means to be "in process" from a physical and spiritual stand point. I imagine this is what a lot of people must confront when facing down serious physical changes, and I must continue to glean from this process what the Lord wants me to write on my heart through all this.

I wonder if this is why he chose diseases like leprosy in the Bible to teach us so much about his healing power. It is such an outward disease that ravages the body, but once his healing comes down, we can see such power in the transformation.

As for my conference this past weekend. It was for Young Survival Coalition (YSC) it is a breast cancer organization dedicated to women with BC under 40. It has been my free therapy for the last 10 months (wow, has it been 10 months already?) and I have corresponded with a core group of women online that have going through this same journey at the same time I have. I got to meet about 25 of these women for the first time in person on this weekend and it was like a family reunion. One woman in particular, Teresa, has become like a sister to me as she was diagnosed at the same time I was, did a double mastectomy like me, went through chemo with me, and is going through the reconstruction process too. Our personalities have clicked on line and I had wondered if that would translate to real life. We met up at the conference and within minutes you would have thought we were long lost sisters reuniting. This time strengthened our friendship and cemented the fact that I will have a friend for life that has been through this journey alongside me. Also at this conference, were doctors and scientists sharing about where we are in the fight against BC, what is on the horizon, and what we still need to figure out. This was awesome to hear what they are learning, but disappointing to hear that very little of it applies to my type of cancer. Its just the nature of the beast that I developed. Being "triple negative" (hormone negative and HER2 protein negative) means that I cannot make use of future therapies that address hormone levels or HER2 levels, because it has nothing to do with my type of breast cancer.

For the record, some of you may have heard about a Norwalk virus outbreak at a Breast Cancer conference in DC last weekend, unfortunately, that was our conference. I was not personally affected at all but about 100 of my fellow conference attendees were. Since there were some women there still in treatment, this is a scary thought.

So that is the latest stop on the cancer train, I will update you all after my surgery this weekend. Please pray for this new surgery, my recovery, my doctor, and the balance of how often to go to NoVA, when to pull Bethany out of school for all this and the concept of getting back to normal again.

Kat

Goodbye Wig, you were a good ship for the journey...

2007-02-10T19:51:00.000-05:00

Well, its time. No more bandanas, no more hat disguises (saving the hats strictly for the cold weather now) and no more wig. I made the decision last weekend. My hair is grown out to the point that it is a short "pixie" cut and my days of being in denial about having short hair for the next few months, are now over. I ran out of "wig hairspray" last week and I took it as a sign from God that it was time to ditch the wig and bandanas and just embrace the new me. This was a MAJOR emotional hurtle for me. I feel like I am in the midst of that dream where you show up to work or school naked. I have never noticed people staring at me as much as I do now. My first reaction is usually belligerent, like I should turn around and scream, "take a picture, it lasts longer." I know all that crap about how you are not supposed to care what other people think, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I do. I wonder if they think I am some crazy progressive chick who chose to embrace her Demi Moore, GI Jane side and do this to my hair on purpose. I wonder if they question my gender or my sexuality. Yes, I know all the junk about how this shouldn't matter, my physical self is not where my identity lies, blah, blah, blah. The truth is, not only is there some identity for all of us based on our physical selves, but for me I have been forced to define myself for the last 6 months almost solely on what my body has chosen to dish out (or not dish out) on a daily basis. Its largely been out of my control and it has been DRAMATIC changes.

I struggle a great deal with my femininity. I have never been a "girly girl." I would classify myself as somewhat of a tom-boy, but now that I have had my boobs and long locks taken from me, I feel the need to scream from the rooftops, "I AM STILL A WOMAN, I LOVE BEING A WOMAN, I EMBRACE BEING A WOMAN, I WANT OTHERS TO KNOW I AM A WOMAN!!!" I find myself upping my makeup usage and putting more jewelry on just to feel feminine again. Sure there are plenty of women out there who are flat chested and have short hair and pull both of those things off quite eloquently, but its the suddenness of all this and the lack of control that throws off my balance so much. I have not had short hair since my early elementary years and I find it quite high maintenance. I had to ask a dear friend of mine, "How does one deal with 'bed-head'?" I am now putting all these waxes and gels in my hair that I never experienced before. I am anxious to color it and make it my own again.

On a side note, my hair grows quite quick. All those years of belly aching about plucking and shaving, mono-brow avoiding and thick hair has served me well. Of all my dear breast cancer buddies following through this journey alongside me, none of them have hair growth even close to mine. I am likely double what they have. I will never again complain about my hair, never. If you ever hear that from me, punch me, I deserve it. My eyebrows have completely returned and I didn't realize how the thinness of my eyebrows had made me look so gaunt until I look back on my pictures from the last few months.

I am amazed by how much time I have now. I had not really grasped how much time dealing with cancer really takes. I had mentioned in my last blog that I was quitting Starbucks, largely because I felt like it was so time consuming. However, now through a significant raise, reduced hours and a new sense of the value of my time I have decided to stick around, realizing it is not quite the burden I had felt it was before. As a side note, my brother Matt got hired as a shift manager at my same store and is now technically my boss. (I know, for those of you who know us, that is a chuckle.) Not that he is not able, but as his "big sister" I take to bossing him around sometimes. I have really enjoyed having him around and I am proud that he is becoming a coffee lover. Still can't get my dad off that nasty instant stuff though, go figure.

I have some projects in the works. I have returned to graphic design work (if I hadn't mentioned that before, I do graphic design work for some of Jeff's web clients. Our personal side business for this stuff is called "Willow Pond Designs", named after the pond with a willow in the middle in our backyard.

Speaking of backyard, OUR HOUSE IS AMAZING! I won't lie, it is everything we wanted it to be and more. It was definitely a labor of love, but it already feels like home. We have been trying to open its doors to use as much as possible with small groups, super bowl parties and gatherings. We hope many people will find their way through our doors for decades to come. We prayed that it would be a blessing to all who enter, because we know all too well that it is a gift and every gift on this earth is temporary. Maybe on my next post I will try and post some pictures. I am trying to stop feeling bad for how beautiful it is, and embrace that the Lord has allowed us to have this responsibility of this house so that we can use it for his work and his glory. We have tried to communicate to everyone we can that this house is open for ministry, storage for the church, group gatherings, parent guest room, whatever blesses them and advances their work for the Lord. To all of you we extend and open invitation to come spend some time down here in our little peace of country, watch Bob the resident Blue Heron come for his daily visit in our pond, the family of 6 deer who love the grass over our drain field and the beautiful mountains that surround us on all sides. If you need some time away from your chaos, give us a call.

As for an update on my surgeries, doctors, etc. I have two appointments with 2 of the top plastic surgeons on the East Coast at Georgetown Hospital and Johns Hopkins, at the end of February. Both specialize in breast reconstruction and revisions of breast reconstructions that people are unhappy with. Please pray that I would be guided to the next step in my reconstruction journey, to help me regain some of my womanhood again. My hometown plastic surgeon has been quite gracious in making it clear that he would work alongside either of these surgeons to do my follow-up care with future surgeries. I appreciated this gesture immensely, and it made me feel like he had my best interests at heart.

Lastly, I just celebrated my 32nd birthday on January 28th. It was a very emotional weekend for me that I kept pretty close to my vest. I woke up that morning just thankful for the chance to have another year of life. I fought tears most of that weekend, but didn't really share that much with my family who came together to make my favorite spaghetti meal and share my favorite ice cream cake (Ben & Jerry's coconut almond fudge chip) I am pretty sure if they have food in heaven, those two things will be on the menu. So much of me wanted to be spoiled and pampered and have everyone scream, "I AM SO GLAD GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TO US FOR ANOTHER YEAR!!!!", but I didn't know quite how to verbalize that feeling mixed with wonder of what the future holds. I love birthdays, I always have, and I know I will even more now that each one represents such a tangible gift to me of how much of a gift life is.

Blessings to you dear friends,
Kat

updated family pics february 2007

2007-02-10T19:18:00.000-05:00

My bowling star, even though the ball is almost bigger than she is.

Me and Mom on my birthday when she made my favorite homemade spaghetti.

My Liam cutie-pie.

My recent hair style (not that I have much choice on the style part.)

Where the heck have I been?

2006-12-28T16:08:00.000-05:00

I know many of you have been wondering if I fell off the face of the earth. I know there is a little part in some of you that was wondering if anything bad happened, but was afraid to ask. I know this because some of you emailed me asking that question.

Well the good news is that I am doing fine, cancer is still at bay, its just been a really crazy few weeks. So this will likely be a longer then normal blog as I try and fill you in on all the events of the last 6 weeks since my last chemo. It has been quite a roller coaster of events.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Northern Virginia to stay at my mom's house for the holidays and so that I could participate in the Northern Virginia Handcrafter's Guild annual craft show. I had been furiously making soap the last few weeks in our apartment kitchen to prepare for the show. Last year, it was my best show and it is the only show I was able to participate in this year, so I was anxiously awaiting this 3 day event. It was a wonderful show. My best show ever and I sold almost 600 bars of soap. I also had many visitors of my wonderful support system and friends I had not seen in years. It gave me warm fuzzies all around and was a wonderful confidence builder to my craft and my heart.

We returned home to a mad dash of finishing the house so we could move in before my December 19th reconstruction surgery. I worked for 25+ hours a week for the next few weeks coming to the house to coordinate last minute items from numerous contractors. We focused our efforts mostly on the items that needed to happen in order to get an Occupancy Permit. We figured the other cosmetic stuff could be adjusted over the next few months. We booked the movers for December 15th (the last possible date before my surgery) and prayed that the inspector would give us the OP on the 14th. We had no wiggle room, because if he didn't pass us that day, we would not be able to have him back for reinspection until after my surgery. We called the movers to plan the move and didn't anticipate they would be booked this time of year, but found out they were. I panicked and then humbly played the cancer card. Well, technically Jeff played the cancer card. The movers called back to see what our options were for moving dates in January and they asked if we had our hearts set on being in by Christmas. Jeff said, "its not Christmas as much as my wife is having a cancer surgery on December 19th, and it would be a real blessing to be in by then." They called back within minutes and explained they would move us on December 15th! God is good. They are great movers. Both our experiences with them have been amazing. So if you are in Southwest Virginia and need a moving company, I will give a free plug to Crowning Touch Moving in Roanoke.

We moved into our house, moved our stuff out of our old apartment and then the following day Jeff's parents arrived from Florida. They were a huge blessing to us in helping unpack, watch the kids and give us a relaxing and fun Christmas. We had a really nice visit with them. We put our tree up quickly (it was one of the first things we unpacked) so we could have some semblance of Christmas normalcy.

So what about that surgery, Kat? Did you get those "Christmas Boobies" you were hoping for? Well, in a nutshell, the surgery was good and bad. The surgery itself was uneventful. I had very little pain (most of my chest is completely numb from my mastectomies) and no nausea from anesthesia. Both, good things. I did spend the night in the hospital so I could have IV pain meds and IV antibiotics. I tried a new pain drug this time (instead of morphine, which makes me itchy all over and kind of yucky feeling) called Dilutin (Spell?) Well, it was good stuff. As my plastic surgeon put it, "its what I want to spend my last two weeks of life on." However, by the night of my surgery my blood pressure had dropped dangerously low and they took me off of it in the middle of the night.

I did not see my new breasts until the next day because of all the bandages and dressings. I went to the plastic surgeon's office and he took off my dressings. I was tired and groggy from a night of little sleep and post surgery effects, but still excited to see the "new girls". I looked down at my chest for the first time and my very first thought was, "where are they?" I looked just as flat as I had after my mastectomy and I was shocked and confused. My surgeon explained that he had to put in smaller implants then we had discussed. I have to admit I was more upset then I was when I saw my chest after my mastectomy the first time. That time, I knew what was coming and had expectations of the worst, plus I was happy that the cancer was out and I had no lymph node involvement. This time I had expectations that they would be misshapended for a while as they settle into place, but I did not expect that I would be basically flat chested again. I am basically an "A" cup at this time, and this was even harder since I was a good "B" or small "C" by the time my expanders were done being filled.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Even Jeff had to drag it out of me and I mourned (and am mourning) even now. I didn't want to post an update on my blog even though I know many of you had so anxiously awaited alongside of me a good outcome. I was upset that I even bothered with reconstruction and all the pain and discomfort that came with the expansion process over the last few months. I beat myself up for not doing the same amount of research that I had for my chemo and treatment, though now I realize I don't know if I would have done anything different.

I was a little frustrated with my surgeon that he didn't seem to sense how devasting this really was for me, but I also didn't share that with him.

So where does this leave me? Well, more surgery. I can go back and have a "revision" which means I can have larger implants put in. I don't exactly understand why they could put in larger implants later, but couldn't now. I have saggy skin that could be filled with a bigger implant, but it will really come down to what my muscle can do, since my implants are behind the peck muscle.

I can not do anything for several months until I have recovered from this surgery and can see how my current implants settle into place. However, I know they are not going to "grow" any, even if they do become more "breast shaped" in how they sit.

I struggle with getting second opinions. I like my plastic surgeon and his team of assistants, but I know I now have to do what is right for me and my eventual outcome. So I have made an appointment with one of the top reconstruction plastic surgeons in the country. He is in Georgetown, DC. He is a hard appointment to get and I won't see him until the end of February. He specializes in difficult reconstruction cases. Four of my online friends have seen him 2 for their original reconstructions, and 2 for their revisions and they are all extremely happy with the results. I will let you know how this appointment comes out in February.

For now, my hair is coming back (I have about 1/2 inch) and we are unpacking boxes. I am trying to return to a sense of normalcy and real life post-cancer. After much thought and prayer I have decided to quit Starbucks when the students return for the next semester (mid-January) it is just time for me to focus on other things and have more of an at home routine with Liam, Bethany and Jeff. I want to focus on ministry, homemaking and a daily devotional for women going through Breast cancer.

In February I will attend a conference for the Young Survival Coalition, the online support system that I have lived on for the last few months. It is an organization that focuses on women with Breast Cancer under 40. It has been my free therapy the last few months and the women on that site have become like sisters to me through this journey. Last night, one of those sisters, Cheryl Garcia, lost her battle with breast cancer. I wept as I read about her passing and it was a cold reminder of how much cancer sucks. She leaves behind 2 kids and she shared with us in the last few weeks how she had focused all her energy on making birthday and Christmas cards for her kids for the rest of their lives. We raised money to pay the costs of a pain pump her insurance wouldn't cover and I learned first hand how painful this journey is. Young Survival Coalition is an amazing organization and if you are ever looking for a group to give some donation money to, they are a good one. You will see a link to their site to the right of my blog on this page.

Jeff's job continues to flourish and our house is amazing. Jeff's dad continues to respond amazingly well to hormone treatment and prayer. He is thinking about removing some of the cancer through surgery next year, and he is trying to decide which surgery is best for his cancer.

Well, that catches you up on me for the last few weeks. I will post pictures when I can of my current hair, the kids, the house, etc.

You all are a blessing to me. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. To the year 2006... "go away, don't come back, don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out, I don't want to see you again. "

Our new address is: 1107 Arrington Rd. Blacksburg, VA 24060. Copy it down, because I will pull it off this site in a few days.

Kat

Now to getting on with life.

2006-11-15T12:44:00.000-05:00

(me and my dear nurses: Susan, Susan, Me & Christine)

Who knew you could have a good day the same day you had chemo, but guess what? It can be done. I showed up to my last chemo all decked out in my pink breast cancer shirt, socks and sweater. I came bearing soap gifts for the nurses and coffee gifts for my doc. Complete with two bottles of sparkling cider for me and Barb (my chemo buddy) since it was the last day of chemo for both of us. The chemo itself was routine (though I never wanted to find such an awful thing as "routine" the reality is, routine is a welcome thing because it means I had no problems) I have a huge praise that my counts have not dipped down once during my entire chemo run and I have since learned that is is quite unusual. Some of my friends have been delayed or incompacitated by low counts and I have not really experienced either. A big praise and thanks for prayers on that one. My recovery from this last chemo will likely be longer because I could not have the $6,000 Neulasta shot I normally get to force my white blood cell count to rebound, because it would interfere with my surgery to have my arm port removed. Since my port is actually coming through my arm, getting it out as soon as possible was important.

So here is the really cool things about my last chemo. My parents brought me lunch and sat with me until the end. There is no substitute for having your Mommy and Daddy around, even at 31 years old. My chemo buddy, Barb, gave me a beautiful hand crocheted pink scarf. My doc and nurses had tears in their eyes as they said, "goodbye" to me and this made me feel so warm and fuzzy. I got to ring the "done with chemo" bell they have in the treatment room. (see picture) It has a poem on it that reads, "To celebrate this day, As I go on my Way, I ring this bell, for I am well, My treatment is done, and I can say I have won."

My last chemo fell on the same day as my sister's birthday and even though all the focus should have been on her, she did something very cool for me. She had 24 pink balloons when I got back to her house. She gave some to each member of the family (small & big people) and everyone who could read a verse about hope and prosperity, read them aloud. She had them on index cards. Then we all released our pink balloons into the air as a sign of victory, new beginnings and a bright future. I thought I would cry, but I was so excited about how bright my future looks (combined with pure exhaustion from the chemo) that I didn't cry. I had coincidentally dressed in pink that day and noticed that Bethany, Lydia, Mom and Lara had intentionally dressed in pink for me. It was a moment I will never forget.

It has been 5 days since my last chemo and I am now getting around to updating you all on my last day of chemo. I have been busy making over 1,000 soaps, and this week I got to shrink wrap and price them all. We will be in NoVA for the whole week of Thanksgiving and I hope to see as many dear friends as possible.

My port removal was fine. Once I saw the actual port when they removed it, I was a little creeped out to see how big it really was. The port itself (the part that started coming through my skin) was pretty small, but it had an 18 inch long tube on the end that was threaded all the way through my vein into my heart. (I am glad I didn't know that while it was inside me, the idea is a little unsettling) I have been tired from my last chemo and the site where they removed the port is a little sore, but really not too bad.

People have asked me how I would rate chemo as a whole. I have to say that I faired much better than I was expecting and really did not experience any of the horror stories people had reported or warned me of. I did not throw up once, I was never hospitalized, my chemo was never delayed and my counts were always in normal range. I do not attribute this to luck or good genes (we have already learned my genes are not so good), I attribute it as a whole to YOUR prayers and the Lord's strength. I would wake up some days and feel the prayers shooting through my body, laying on me like a warm blanket, and it felt good. Thank you for that. Thank you for each of you that said a quick or long prayer, sent a note or email and just lifted me up and carried me through this time.

I will continue to update you as I heal, get hair back, and have my "new boobie" surgery on December 19th. Also, we will hopefully be in our new home in the next 3 weeks or so. (keep praying for that). On a side note, you may have noticed I changed the colors on my blog, this is not a light decision. I decided this blog is not about Breast Cancer anymore, but about moving on, breathing new life and being greatful for every regular day that cancer is not a part of.

Love to you all

Kat

No Mo' Chemo'

2006-11-14T20:39:00.001-05:00

I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't be more thrilled. Today was my last chemo. This morning I woke up with a little butterfly in my stomach, like I used to get on Christmas morning as a kid. I thought I would cry at some point today, but I didn't, I was so excited all day.

I have a lot to report about the last chemo, but I am totally exhausted now, so I will post my pictures and the details of all the cool stuff in the next couple of days.

Also, on a side note, please pray for a friend "G", (If you are reading this "G", I loved the letter) she is having a biopsy for a "suspicious area" found on her 1st mammogram, on November 29th. She is a family friend and a great personality and their family is in a big transition period. Please pray God's grace on her and their family during this time.

I will give more details later, off to watch "Dancing with the Stars", GO EMMITT! and then off to bed.

Love
Kat

No Mo' Chemo'

2006-11-14T20:39:00.000-05:00

Look at me!

2006-11-11T20:45:00.000-05:00

I am sure this doesn't make me famous, but I am featured on the Lifetime TV website now. I submitted a profile a couple of weeks ago, and here I am....

http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/photos/gallery10/index.php?currPhoto=36#photo

check it out!

Kat

November has arrived.

2006-11-05T11:22:00.000-05:00

Well here I am in November. This may seem like just another month for many of you, but it is a month I have anxiously awaited since June 9th (my diagnosis day). November represents the end of my chemo. November 14th should be my last chemo. November represents when our house should be done. (If not November, very soon after, still hoping). November is when I get to do my one and only soap craft show, which I am so excited about. November is when we get to take our first trip out of this area since I started chemo. November is when I get to go to Northern Virginia and see some of my dear friends.

I am feeling pretty good since Taxol #3. I have had the same aches and pains starting the second day after chemo, but they are mostly tolerable with the right combination of pain meds. I imagine it is very similar to how some of you arthritis sufferers must feel. It is worse when I go outside in the cold (it has been in the 30's and 40's most of this week). So I stay inside as much as I can.

I also started anti-depressants this week. Zoloft, is my drug of choice. It is the same drug I took for post-partum depression after the birth of Bethany, and since I had little side effects (and it is avaliable in generic) my oncologist and I decided to try again. He described how patients often get depressed more as they enter the final phase of treatment. They become scared of the ticking time bomb they feel like the cancer is in their bodies. Especially women like me that are "triple negative" (in other words I have hormone negative and HER neg cancer) which means that I am not eligible for any other treatments (hormone or herceptin, a newer drug) so when I walk out of my last chemo I will just have follow up appointments for the rest of my life. I don't feel bad about having to take the anti-depressants as much as annoyed that I can't just have a normal life again, free from worry. I know they will not cure these worries, but if they can take the edge off of my terror sometimes, I will take it.

As for great news in our lives...Jeff's dad had a follow-up PSA test as a "baseline" before he was to begin radiation treatment this week. He has had two hormone treatments. At the time of his surgery his PSA was 20 and had risen from 17 of just a few weeks before. When they did his test this week it was .17! Not 17, point 1-7! That is a huge praise and a great indication that his cancer is responding to hormone treatment and lots of prayers. They are now deciding if they will have to do radiation at all! For now they will put markers in to monitor any movement of his cancer. This is wonderful news, and if he continues on this trend, he could be on treatments that are quite managable for many years to come!!!

Jeff has been working furiously at his contract work. He has had a flood gate of new work come in. So much so, that he is now having to find sub-contractors to do some of the programming work. He is still programming almost every waking hour, but we are thrilled that God is providing for us and he is still able to be home with the family. We hope to eventually get to a point where he can have more of a routine and less hours behind the computer once we have gotten back on our feet financially and we can built a nest egg for inconsistency of contract work. We are none the less grateful for such a wonderful response from his clients for ongoing work.

Our house is plugging along. Drywall is done. Kitchen cabinets installed. We went to the house yesterday to paint squares in each room to direct the painters on our color choices. We are hoping to have the electrical and plumbing work started by the end of the week. We have chosen and ordered our flooring. The siding is 3/4 of the way done. We are hoping to be in the home by the first week in December, if all the contractors can stay on their schedules. I have taken on the house stuff as a daily job and have spent probably 15-20 hours in the last week dealing with this. We knew this would have to happen, so it is just something that needs to get done at this point. The builder is trying hard to work with us, but only we are the ones overseeing smaller issues that would get overlooked. For example this week I noticed the hinges on all our doors were brass instead of silver tone. I also noticed our garage doors into the house opened into the garage instead of into the house. Small items that a good foreman would have noticed, but now take time to change.

I pray that all of you are enjoying the fall. Please keep praying, I don't need them any less now that I am on the home stretch. I almost need them more.

Kat

Oct/Nov pics...

2006-11-05T11:06:00.000-05:00

Liam cutie pie.

Bethany cutie pie.
Here is a picture of Jeff, Liam and my brother, Matt at the pumpkin patch.
Here is our house about 2 weeks ago.

Here is a picture of me just this week. As much as I hate the bald head, I knew I would want to show pics to the kids one day, so here I am. You can see a little hair fuzz on my head.

Good TV.

2006-10-24T10:49:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching the Lifetime TV movie, "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy." I highly recommend it. It deals specifically with a young woman with Breast Cancer and many of the issues she faces. The husband doesn't represent Jeff, but I think he could be replaced by other people in my life. They are replaying it on Saturday night at 9 pm on Lifetime TV, so set your TiVo or VCR, its a good little watch. Here is a link to their website if you need to look up your local channel.

http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/originals/whyiworelipstick.php
(the link doesn't work with this blog, so just cut and past it into your browser)

Blessings,
Kat

Fall is in the air...

2006-10-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

I love fall. I love the colder weather. I love the leaves falling. I am not a huge football fan, but I do love the excitement that brews in this little college town on each football game day. I have noticed that the recent weather change has made me feel better when I look to the mountains and see the most beautiful canvas created by God. I have felt better in recent days emotionally. I know I am so blessed and I often waver back and forth between life's daily dose of whatever I am supposed to consume for that day and my overwhelming sense of how many awesome things and people I have around me.

I have to laugh after my last blog entry, because those of you who were so quick to respond to how down in the dumps I was feeling over people's reactions to me, were exactly the people who DID NOT fit into that category. You all, and you know how you are, are the ones who emailed me to reassure me that you love and care for me. You all, are the ones who sent me letter and cards, words of encouragement and heartfelt notes to reassure me I wasn't forgotten. I guess it is likely you all who are left still reading this blog so faithfully, thus the ones who have been my support team holding my arms up, when I could no longer face the battle, are the ones I wasn't concerned about. Thank you for your hugs long distance, I really did feel hugged. I have to continually remind myself that this journey is not forever and that each ache and pain I feel physically or emotionally is only temporary.

Last week's chemo was a long day. Its a bummer with Taxol, that even though it has been overall easier on me, the day of chemo itself is a very long one. I leave the house at 7:30 am and don't return until 5:30 pm. Just writing that made me realize that cancer really is a full time job literally and figuratively. No amount of books, tv and chatting with my chemo buddy, Barb (she is on the same exact schedule I am and usually arrives at chemo about an hour after me) can fill that time and make it something fun.

I was feeling great the night of chemo and the next day. Not necessarily my normal self, but great in chemo terms. However, Thursday I woke up and everything screeched to a halt. I had terrible body pain and I was laid up all day. I felt like you do when you have a fever and everything hurts to even touch. Even my nails and teeth Hurt. I took a full range of my arsenal of pain meds, which helped with the pain but left me feeling groggy. I have felt better the last few days, but still have quite a bit of stiffness and random pains that kick in like "charlie horse's" when I least expect it. It feels like I have been standing on my feet all day. It is still easier to deal with then the side effects of AC, but not necessarily pleasant to deal with. I keep repeating, "2 more treatments, 2 more treatments."

Jeff took a weekend off from work this weekend, I was proud of him. I can't of tricked him into it. His sister Stefanie came up for the weekend and only I knew she was coming. I told Jeff he would need to clear some time for some stuff this weekend, but didn't tell him what. He feels a little overwhelmed with the amount of work facing him today, but we both agreed the time with his sister was worth it.

Our dear project foreman had his last day on our house project on Friday. I took 5 pages of notes of items we would now need to watch, follow up with, or keep an eye on. After a pointed note to the builder about the status of our project, we feel we are getting a bit more attention, but I also fear their frustration with us now becoming "difficult homeowners" has created a feeling that they will do the minimum to just get the project done. I don't know where the balance is between "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." and not just plain pissing them off with all of our frustration and pestering. I won't just sit on my hands and do nothing, we have too much vested in this project, but I also recognize that you can piss people off so much that they don't want to move a single inch more then they absolutely have to to help you out. We are skirting very close on this balance everyday. I have given up being in our home by Thanksgiving, now I am hoping for being in by my surgery on December 19th. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won't be putting up Christmas stuff this year, bummer.

I have continued to make soap when I can. I don't want to run out of anything like I did for a few things last year. I have also added some new items like, pink ribbon ducks ($1 of which will go to Young Survival Coalition, the organization for women under 40 with BC, I live on their site.) I also added a "no more stinky feet soap" with loofah chunks in it, a lemon soap, an orange soap, race car ducks, Jewish/Israel ducks, armed forces ducks, profession ducks, and on....and on. I hope to have my site updated after my show so people can start ordering again. Someday.

The kids are good, we picked out our pumpkins yesterday at the pumpkin patch. We did the hayride, maze and pumpkin thing. I don't care much for carving pumpkins, but I LOVE pumpkin seeds so I will likely pop them all open to at least get the seeds out so I can roast them. I am salivating just thinking about them. Yummy. The verdict is still out on what, if anything, we will do for Halloween. I would love to find a good church festival in town. I am not a big fan of the trick or treating thing.

Well I hope you all will be blessed as much as you bless me this week.

Love
Kat

Cancer's Roller Coaster.

2006-10-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

I could have titled this entry, "antibioticked, again.", but since I have used that one several times, it is starting to sound as old as its getting. I have had an interesting mix of ups and downs over the last week and I just want to get back to a boring life again. Yes, I crave boredom. I crave a time where I don't wake up worried about health, basic functioning, fighting for life or even being so easily labored by life's details. Yesterday, I woke up with sinus congestion, again. I had been feeling so great the last two weeks. The pessimist in me knew it would come back, but I was so hoping I could feel healthy for the rest of chemo. By today the congestion was much worse and my (warning: too much information coming...) mucus was green (never a good sign). You enter an interesting balance at this point because I have now been on antibiotics 6 times since my surgery in June. At some point your body builds up a resistance to antibiotics and not only do they not work, but this is the problem that contributes to some of the "super bugs" or viruses that are circluating now, because they learn to resist antibiotics. So I called the Dr. and we discussed this issue, deciding that I would try a simplier antibiotic called the "Z-pack" or zyromyecin (I don't know if I'm spelling that right). If it doesn't work, I will likely just ride the wave of sickness through this time, unless I develop a fever.

Jeff is gone this week. He went to Northern VA (for those of you outside the state that is about 4 hours from where we now live.) He went to meet with some clients and potential clients in hope of continuing to grow what has now become an independent contracting business for him. He has had a flood of business in recent weeks and he has been working 70+ hours in front of the computer doing all the programming. Liam says, "Daddy pushes buttons on the computer." Its a mixed bag because he is getting work, lots of it, that has the potential of being lucrative for him and the other guy he has partnered with, but it is contract work, which means we won't necessarily know from month to month where we stand and if he gets too much work in a short deadline they will have to sub-contract it to others. I do feel like the Lord is leading him in this direction, but the fear of the unknown mixed with lack of benefits is unsettling for the future. He took Liam with him to spend the week at my parents house being spoiled by Nana and Granddaddy. I am afraid Liam will never want to come home to this boring, small apartment.

I had high hopes of getting tons of soapmaking done this week. For those of you who don't know, I have a soap making business in recent years, called VIRGINIA SOAPS. I do craft shows, special orders and some orders off my website. I have done none of these since my diagnosis and was bummed to be a no-show for two big shows I had scheduled almost a year ago for this fall because I just didn't have the strength or inventory to participate. I do plan on doing my biggest show of the year in Vienna, VA (that's up in NoVA) the week of Thanksgiving. Since our current living arrangements are not conducive to making soap, I have unpacked a large amount of this stuff to work on this week. I have made quite a few, but not as much as I would have liked as life issues keep coming up and calling me away. The illness hasn't helped the cause much.

In the other time, when Bethany comes home from school, we have been hanging out, had a "Girl's dinner" last night (her choice of restaurant, McDonald's) and she has been helping me "organize" my soap stuff by lining up ducks, monkeys, animals and instructing me on which to work on next. I have enjoyed our time together, but we both agree we miss the boys. They will return late Thursday night.

I also found out today that our favorite employee at the construction company is leaving in the next two weeks. I won't get into all the dynamics of the shake-up with the builder and how disappointed we have been, but the bottom line is he is really the last capable employee and now I will have to basically serve as contractor on my own home until its completion. We could be as soon as 4 weeks away, but with no one really overseeing it properly, I know from experience, things will get forgotten, misscheduled and delayed. So as of today, I am officially babysitting the builder with multiple daily calls and a virtual take over of the remaining details of the house. I can't explain how overwhelmed this makes me, but it just has to be done at this point, or we won't be in our house by the end of the year. I am stressed about it and highly annoyed that the builder has been so disappointing, but I can't spend my energy on blame or frustration, I need to redirect it into getting this project done. I feel resentful that all the fun of building our dream home has been sucked from my heart by Jeff's job loss, an uncertain future and the details that I shouldn't have to be in charge of, but in the end reality, must take over.

Confession time...
I have been feeling somewhat lonely in recent weeks. Yes, part of it may seem Jeff's absense for the week, but it is really more than that. Its funny with cancer (Ok, I'm officially crying now as I type) but people help you and say, "how are you?" and that is very important. Don't get me wrong, things like cards, meals, taking care of the kids are all very important, but people have a tendancy to take a step back from you emotionally. I had a flood of people offering prayers and good wishes at the beginning. I knew this would dwindle as people return to their lives (and they rightfully should.) There is also this certain distance that happens with everyone in your life that makes you feel like you are in a plastic bubble all by yourself. Part of it is the dwindling down of contact from people, part of it is that people always want to know what your physical needs are and how to address them. Part of it is people always gauging how you are doing as a whole based on how you are feeling physically. If you feel OK then everything is OK. Lets face it when we ask people in the grocery store, "How are you?" we don't really want them to say, "well I'm not throwing up, but I am not having my emotional needs met." I don't want to share that anymore then people want to hear it. Yet here I am feeling like most people have taken a step back from me. I don't think people know better, I honestly think most people feel like they just need to let me be left alone to heal, but ultimately what ends up happening is just a lonely shell of soul not knowing how or what to really ask for. The physical stuff is the easiest. I don't have the strength to make a meal, ask for a meal. I have errands to run, ask for someone to take the kids. How do you verbalize to people, "Man I really wish someone would call and pray over me today. Or why won't someone invite me to go shopping, or to the movies?" I crave someone to call and ask me specific questions that aren't "how are you feeling?" "how was this chemo?" "has Jeff found a job?". I can't expect this kind of attention from Jeff. He has way too much on his plate and I feel so guilty asking him for more then even the basic needs because he is really doing the job of 3 people as is. I try to ask for little of him emotionally because my emotional needs from him now really consist of pouring into the kids and providing for us and the future of this family financially. I don't feel guilty or expect that he should give more than that. It has worked well for us in recent weeks (on an emotional level) and frankly, since he is home all day, we both probably really need to be poured into from the outside anyway. When you try to fill one another's empty cup with only the drops you have in your cup, in just doesn't fill very far.

I am going to vent a little here and I have resisted the temptation to do this for a few weeks, because I don't want to offend any of you, but in an effort to be as geniuine and real as I can I am going to pour out my heart a little more. I am tired of people telling me they will call me next week. I am tired of people saying, they keep meaning to call or follow up with us. I am tired of false promises and poor follow through. I am tired of "I've been meaning to..." or "I tried to..." I would rather people just say hi and be on there way. Frankly, they promise or fake attempt just serves to make me more disappointed and makes me jaded to people's inability to follow through. I am not going to pretend I am perfect in this area, that I have never promised or said something that I haven't followed through on, but lately I have become particularly jaded to this. I have chemo, a part-time job, two kids, a husband, a house project, a soap business and yet I still make it a priority to meet with students on campus, so follow up with specific other breast cancer survivors and go to church every Sunday. I have learned so much about what people in need really need, so I will let you in on the secret...they need consistency. They need people to do what they say they will. They need people around not only right after the crisis, but 3 months later. They need people to not only ask how they are doing, but make an appointment to sit down and listen to the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why I stand at the door with my coat on ready to leave is not really an indication that you intend to stick around and hear the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why you've invited me to a coffee shop, is.

I know a large part of it is that I didn't have the chance to really develop the close friendships that I need now in the 9 months we lived in Blacksburg before my cancer, so frankly I just don't know who I would call to dump on around here. I have always been guarded in making close friends. It took me almost 2 years to become vunerable enough to share and learn about my dear kindred friend, Pamela, and once I did, I wish I had known her my whole life. Here is a woman that 250 miles away has learned more about me emotionally in the last few months than anyone else. I miss you Pamela.

So this entry was probably more than most of you all bargained for. I hope it doesn't make you feel guilty, that was not my intent. I really just wanted to share more of where my heart has been. I read a perfect quote this morning that really captured the esssence of my feelings, "Lord, please come forward because my boat is so tiny and this sea is so big."

Please pray that Jeff and I would feel comforted by how the Lord chooses to meet our needs. Please pray that we wouldn't have to reach out anymore, that maybe we could feel some reaching in. Please pray that I would be quickly healed from this latest sickness. Please pray for a safe return for my two men. Please pray for our house project that I could find the joy in it and I could be excited about all the ministry that will happen there someday.

thanks
Kat

Taxol not so taxing....

2006-10-03T19:52:00.000-05:00

I had my first Taxol treatment today and as of right now I am fairing much better than with the AC treatments. Taxol is a much longer treatment, just a higher volume of liquids and medicines that have to put in your body. So I was at the oncologist from 9:45-3:45, it was a very long day. There were no delays so I can expect that each of these treatments will be just as long. For AC I was usually done by 1:30 or 2 pm.

I had to take a lot of steroids before the treatment. 5 pills before bed and 5 more throughout the night. Waking up to take them was a pain, but I got through it. I had an appointment at the Plastic Surgeon for another fill up and they even gave me a coupon for a free facial when I done with treatment in celebration of breast cancer awareness month, that was very cool. Facials are not cheap. I will see if the pain from this fill up is the same as others, it usually kicks in while I am sleeping the first night and the next day. I also talked to the Plastic surgeon about having the reaction to the biopsy dye removed when he does my implant surgery. It caused a large mass right after my surgery in June, and though it as shrunk to about the size of a kidney bean, having it there (in almost the exact spot of my cancer) just reminds me of cancer. I put my fingers on it all the time and I told him that even though I know it is just dead tissue, I want it removed, even if it requires another small incision. I don't need it there for my emotional thought process. Once I explained this to him, he was great about saying they would do what they could to remove it. (and biopsy just to make sure there was not breast tissue in it.)

I went to the oncologist and started my IV. First anti-nausea meds (I didn't have to take any oral stuff for that this time, like my $100 a pill Emend tablets) Then I had 45 minutes of benedryl and steroids. It made me feel like I had been drinking. Though I haven't had alcohol in years (it has not been kind to me since I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome) I felt like I had had 2-3 glasses of wine. I have a chemo buddy named Barbara who is on the same exact schedule as I am and we chat through chemo. She was about an hour behind me today and described the exact same feeling. We giggled like kids as we watched each other stumble back and forth to the bathroom like drunks. After that they let me sit for a half hour and let the steroids kick in throughout my system.

Then it was time for the Taxol. The Dr. and nurse had warned of possible allergic reaction. They said if it was going to happen it would be in the first half hour. So the nurse sat right next to me for that time. She said, "if you have a reaction it will feel like you are dying, like a heart attack, mixed with asthma attack, mixed with panic attack, so just know that we will pull you out of it and you are not dying." I thought, "oh, great." I appreciated her bluntness though. (If you haven't figured that out about me, I don't like then sugar coated, just hit me with it. When someone asks me, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" I always opt for the bad news first.)

Anyway, I did just fine, no reaction. So after that she let me finish it out and besides numerous trips back and forth to the restroom (they put a LOT of fluids in you during chemo) I was OK. Tonight I am more than my usual tired, but have no nausea. Usually, I am eating all plain noodles and water, but tonight I had a regular meal with the family. If the body aches kick in (the biggest post treatment side effect for Taxol) I will likely experience them in the next 3 days. I have various pain killers on hand to deal them, depending on how bad they might be. I will likely need extra sleep in the next few days too.

Next time I will bring more food, snacks and stuff to do, it is a much longer day to fill. The good news is that I think I will be fine to drive myself back and forth (Jeff had to drop me off, go back to Blacksburg, work a few hours, get Bethany off the bus after school and come back to pick me up --about a 40 minute drive back and forth each way.) I was over the "drunk buzz" after about an hour into Taxol.

In other news, Jeff had first decided he would be at chemo with me all day, but logistics with the kids didn't work out that way today. This turned out to be a huge blessing because he got a contract written up for a contract that could pay him more than 5 months of his last year's salary. So we are anxious to have the client sign it and he is confident they likely will. This will allow him to definately be at home to work through the rest of my treatment and into next year. YEA!

Jeff's parents left for their annual trip to Israel yesterday. We haven't heard from them yet, but usually don't in the first few days. We still have no word on how Walt is responding to his treatment, but he has no side effects either.

Our house is starting drywall this week and is really getting exciting more and more each time we visit. We are still on track for a late November move in. I am now working out flooring picks. I finalized kitchen cabinets, countertops all the kitchen details last week. That was probably the biggest single element of the whole house design that required the most detail work (lets just say I am really good friends with the guy at Lowes who has been working on the kitchen with me) and I am glad to have it behind us for now.

Kids are doing great, they are both such a blessing each day. Liam is becoming quite a little boy now, very articulate, very musical. Bethany is becoming a young lady and displaying great maturity each day. They both got new shoes that light up, and think they are the greatest. I got a chance to babysit a 2 month old baby for a few hours on Monday (I jumped at the chance when the girl I work with said she needed a sitter for a few hours) I told her I would do it for free because I needed a baby fix. The kids were great with him, especially the mommy in training, Bethany. I got my baby fix for few hours. Hard to believe the kids were ever that small. Still not ready to close my heart on the possibilty of more kids in our future, but not for at least another 2 years. So for now, I will just go from baby fix to baby fix.

Lastly, I found out on Friday that I am positive for the BRC2 gene. I will explain more about this later and what it means, but briefly...Scientists have discovered 2 of what are likely many mutations in the DNA strand that are specifically linked to developing Breast cancer. They call them BRC1 and BRC2, but in the future there will likely be several more. People who carry this gene (yes, men and women) have a dramatically greater chance of developing Breast cancer in their lifetime. This stat goes up with age. For me at 31, it is about 25%, but goes up by 10-15% every decade of age. Well, guess what, I've already had Breast Cancer. Normally, if a person comes back positive for this mutation they have to decide what to do about it. Sometimes it is just aggressive monitoring, digital mammograms, MRI, ultrasound, other people become more aggressive, like having their breasts removed before any cancer develops or having a oopherectomy or hysterectomy (because it also causes an increase in ovarian cancer). Each person has to decide how aggressive they will be. Since I have already had both breasts removed and have already made the decision to have a hysterectomy if and when I have more kids, this doesn't have any further implications for my course of action. However, this has huge implications for the rest of my extended family and my sister and mom. They will both be tested and likely other members of my mom's side of the family, but at this point, my mom has to have the gene, so as you can imagine this is a little disconcerting for her. She will have to discuss with her doctors the implication of this for her. For my sister, she has a 50% chance of having the mutation, and the same for Bethany as well. I will talk about all this more later.

Blessings, to you all...

Kat

Church talk.

2006-09-28T18:26:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are interested, the day we shared at church is available to listen to online. It is part of a series on the Life of Joseph.

Click on the talk entitled "I Get Knocked Down" You will hear the pastor speak for a few minutes and we share in the middle of the talk.

I can't get the link to work from this page for some reason, so just cut and paste the following link into your browser....

http://nlcf.net/talks/the-life-of-joseph-series

Kat

Recent Pics...

2006-09-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

All I want for christmas is my two front boobs...

2006-09-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

How can you resist a cheesy title like that? This week has been a good week on many levels. On Tuesday I had my last AC chemo!!!!! This means I have arrived at the halfway point in my chemo and my next chemo will be a new cocktail of chemicals, called Taxol. (I will describe more about this later) I had the least amount of nausea yet with this last AC. I forgot to take my major expensive ($100 a pill) drugs on the second two days because I was feeling so good. I slept from the time I can home from chemo until the next morning, but then felt much better the next two days.

We had a special treat this week in that Jeff's Dad and Mom were able to visit us for two days as they were driving down the east coast from New Jersey. We didn't tell the kids and they were able to surprise Bethany as she got off the bus. It was a great sight to see her so excited. The day before she had come home kind of bummed saying she had had a "bad day, where some of her friends wouldn't play with her." I insisted we pray that she would have a better day the next day. I told her I had a feeling it was going to be better. When she got off the bus, she said, "Mommy, you are right, today is a better day!" I was out of commission the whole first day they were here, but I was able to visit with them the second day and even felt well enough to go out to dinner. The kids enjoyed their visit. Both Walt and Sue look well and are actively changing their lifestyles and diets to make themselves the most healthy they can be. Walt has indicated no side effects yet from his hormone treatment. They will not know for several months how his body is responding to it, but a big praise for no side effects.

I had my usual plastic surgeon's appointment before my chemo and I got a scheduled date for my "swap out" surgery. This is when he will remove my saline filled tissue expanders and insert my permanant silicone implants. It is scheduled for December 19th, so Merry Christmas to me (and Jeff) I am getting boobies for Christmas this year! I joked last year that I am getting to a point in life where it is hard to come up with things to ask for for Christmas anymore, but this year, I know exactly what I want. If you had told me last year, that this is what I would be asking for this year, I would have laughed in your face. Funny what a difference a year makes, eh? It will be a much simplier surgery then my mastectomy, but I will still likely have an overnight stay in the hospital. I have about 100cc more of "fill-ups" to do with my tissue expanders, right now I would guess I am at about a small "B" cup, for those of you who have asked.

So what is Taxol and how is this different? Both chemo's act like an exterminator would. The cancer is gone from my surgery, but when an exterminator comes they often spray a ring around your house to make sure no critters come into the home. Chemo is similar in that is kills off all dividing cells with the hope that if any single cancer cell got loose in my body before my surgery, the chemo will nip it in the bud. The two types of chemos attack different types of cells. So just as an exterminator would have a different spray for ants and bees, by doing both chemicals we hope to cover all the bases.

Taxol's side effects are usually much more mild. I will have some basic anti-nausea meds, but many people don't have to take them at all. With Taxol I will be dealing more with muscle & joint aches/pains, hand & feet numbness and tingling and a more general achiness. It is said to be easier then AC, yet given the cummulative effects of the AC and then several rounds of Taxol, it tends to get slightly worse each round as your body just continues its battle to recover. The biggest danger with Taxol is allergic reaction, so I will be on a large amount of steroids for the next 8 weeks to prevent this reaction. I am hoping I don't suddenly become puffy and gain a bunch of weight, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did happen.

Jeff is still plugging away at getting contract work. He has had no firm leads for a permanant job locally. (He has had some offers if we are willing to move back to NoVA, but we are not.) He is on the cusp of a whole bunch of contracts that if they all worked out could get us through the next 6 months pretty O.K., but in sales mode, it is all about waiting for the proposals to get through to all the right people and through all the red tape. So we just don't know what will close or not. For now we are ok and he tries to piece together enough work to get us through a few weeks at a time. We both feel that God is opening doors with this contract route, especially since we clearly aren't getting leads for jobs outside the home or local permanant stuff, but the uncertainty is making me admittedly anxious (please note I said me, not him, he has been quite firm in his faith that God will work this out.) I try not to think about it most days, because I know I just don't have the strength to worry about it, but when I do think about it, I wonder what God has in store. For now, I focus on us getting enough work to get me through chemo and into our new house (likely within the same 2 weeks with current schedules.) I am thankful that this contract work continues to allow Jeff to be home and take care of me and the kids, I don't know how we would do it without him. We have settled into more of a routine now with each of my chemo cycles, but he still is working the job of at least 3 people right now with contracts, kids, cooking and cleaning. We just focus on one day at a time, one week at a time.

I can't wait to feel like I am contributing again, playing with the kids, cleaning up the house, cooking. Each of these things requires so much energy, it makes me enter each day with such high hopes of what I will accomplish. Last night I wiped down the kitchen floor, after Liam had totally trashed it at dinner, and by the time I was done, I was exhausted. You would have thought I would have been running or something.

Lastly, please pray for my sleep. I have had terrible bouts of insomnia and even though I am exhausted when I lay down at night, I toss and turn and lay awake for hours on end. It is a common side effect of chemo and is usually related to the steroids that run through my blood stream so much. I have sleeping pills, but try only to take them when I really need to sleep solid, like the night before I work. I don't want to grow dependent on them. It is rough on Jeff because I toss and turn so much and then I am so exhausted, even with the best of intentions the night before, I can't hardly get up to help out with the kids, get Bethany ready for school and just give him a chance to recover sleep himself.

Many blessings to you all,
Kat

Cancer sucks...

2006-09-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

Boy, did I mention I hate cancer? In the last 24 hours I have found out that 2 close college friends are now waiting to hear if they have cancer. One is a male and one is a female. The female's husband called me to pray for her, and I hadn't talked to them in years. He didn't even know about my summer fun with cancer and I told him not to be burdened by not knowing, but since she is waiting on a diagnosis for a female related cancer I was able to give him so brief information on what he might be facing and reassurrance that her particular situation isn't as dire as he might fear given the specifics. I guess now I am beginning to see one of the reasons God had me do all that research on cancer this summer, not just for me, but hopefully to benefit others. Please pray for both of these people. They both have families and kids and I know first hand the waiting is one of the worst things in the world, because your mind fills with all the worst possible scenarios.

I have been feeling a little better the last two days. I had been in bed for 5 days in a row, so I am happy to be somewhat functional again. When I contacted the Dr. about my persistant cough and sinus issues, he finally said that it may be that this may be a side affect of chemo for me that I have to deal with each round. Since I have already been through two rounds of antibiotics and 3 1/2 weeks later I am still not "well" yet, I am beginning to think he may be right. He said it is a rare type of side effect, but it has happened in his experience.

Since the last two days may be the best I feel for the next several weeks I have tried to catch up on thank you notes, paperwork, house stuff and general house work, trying to find a balance between not over doing it and actually being productive. I actually got up and got Bethany ready for school and on the bus today for the first time in two weeks. Jeff really needed the sleep and I even had time to braid Bethany's hair. I am sure the teacher noticed it and realized that Mommy did Bethany's hair today. (not that Jeff does a bad job, but he is a simple hair clip kind of guy, and I don't blame him. He has come a long way in 5 years on the girl hair thing. I am proud of him.)

The highlight of the last few days was when we shared at church on Sunday at the morning and evening services. I was still feeling kind of sick, but it was worth the yucky feeling to get out of the house and share our story in the midst of the storm. We shared about my cancer, Jeff's dad's cancer, Jeff's job loss and the date order of all the major surgeries, events this summer. We started the talk by listing all the plans we had for ourselves this year, then we redirected to God's plans for us this year. I actually heard audible gasps when we said that Jeff had lost his job the day I started chemo. I wanted to scream, "yes, life does suck, you don't have to tell me, but guess what, I AM STILL HERE NOW!" We really wanted to convey to the church (keep in mind they are 95% college students) that even in the center of the fire God is standing in our midst with us. It doesn't mean we aren't mad or sad or angry. It doesn't mean we think its fair or like it, it just means he is weeping with us. It was a huge blessing to us to reflect on the last few months in a whole picture and to see how far God really has carried us (and I do mean carry, no walking with me here, he has been dragging me.) through the last few months. We were flooded by people coming up to us after wanting to help in any way they could. Three different girls came up to us with tears in their eyes asking to cook, clean, babysit, anything they could. We exchanged numbers and I am hearing from God (not a whisper anymore) that I need to swallow my pride and call these people when we need help. I have already lined up a meal and 2 babysitting needs, you guys would be so proud of me.

Its funny in "cancer circles" a lot of people complain that others are so insensitive about what they say or do when they hear you have cancer. However, I feel like I have really seen the best in people since my diagnosis. People I had frankly written off in my life have been my support, people I barely knew have become cheerleaders and strangers have begged to have the opportunity to help. Just as I watched the replay of the 9/11 tragedy this week and how it brought out the best in this country, I have seen my personal tragedy has really brought out the best in people in my life.

This Tuesday will be my last AC treatment and the official halfway point of my chemo treatment. I will then begin Taxol treatments which have their own set of issues which I will delve into later.

Please keep your cards, notes, emails, calls, and encouragement coming. It never gets old. When I can get this blog to let me post pictures again (for some reason it won't lately) I will post a picture of the wall I have hung all my cards on, it is awesome. I love you all.

Kat

Prayer request

2006-09-08T11:21:00.000-05:00

I have mentioned it before, but I spend a lot of time on a website called Young Survival. org. It is a site dedicated entirely to women under 40 with breast cancer. It is literally my group therapy and has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I correspond with women on a daily basis who are facing the same issues I am. I have grown quite close to several of the women on the boards.

Please pray for one of these women, Tracy, in the midst of battling Breast Cancer her husband was killed in a motorcycle accident last night. I cried reading her post. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine and I ache to think of how she must be feeling.

I don't know where she lives, or a whole lot of details, except that her husband's name is Robert.

Please pray for Tracy today.

Kat

Round 3 down, 5 more to go...

2006-09-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

I had my 3rd of 4 A/C treatments on Tuesday. At first I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to do it because of my bout with pneumonia last week. I wasn't sure if my blood counts would be high enough (especially my white blood cell count, that is the one that goes haywire when you are sick) My counts were fine and I "got to" proceed with chemo.

I still have a lingering cough, but in general it is much better than it was. I have officially settled into a chemo routine, though I don't ever want to find a comfort zone, as that would mean I have allowed myself to think of this time as more than temporary.

I had almost no nausea this time around, which I am very thankful for. I think the ironic thing is that one of the big reasons I didn't have nausea this time around is because I constantly had mucus in my throat from the cough, which helped with the nausea. Who knew?

I am definately feeling the "cumulative" affect of the chemo on my general strength. I get tired much more easily now. I can be doing something simple like dishes or writing this blog and suddenly feel like I need a nap. I have to be weary of how I plan my time so that I don't get stuck exhausted somewhere. I have limited my work shifts to 5 hours max to help prevent this.

I have one more A/C chemo and then I will begin the Taxol. Some people say the nausea is much better with Taxol, but the muscle aches are much worse. Some say the Taxol is just easier across the board. This is a prayer request, as I would obviously much rather have the easier side of things.

Chemo plays some funny games on your body. Some of them I had been warned about, others are so random to me. The hair loss thing is not absolute. I still have to shave my legs as regularly as I would have before chemo, almost all my head hair is gone (I have kind of a general prickly fuzz all over) and I have lost about half of the rest of my body hair. I still have all of my eyebrows and eyelashes, but no other facial hair. It is such a strange combination. My body is generally out of whack, alternating between constipation and diarrhea, afraid to take meds for either thinking that it will cause the other. I have hot flashes from chemo induced menopause, but yet still a light period here or there. I feel like each day is a giant wheel that gets spun by someone "what are Kat's symptoms, today?" ....looks like we are going with headache, mixed with dry mouth with a later development of hand numbness. Chemo is such a strange state of being, you never know what you will get from day to day.

I had my bi-weekly "fill up" at the plastic surgeon right before my chemo. I have experienced no pain from these fill ups until this point. My tissue expander and eventually my implant are placed behind my pec muscle. Normally, if a woman gets implants these are placed in front of the muscle, it is easier and allows for more expansion. However, in a reconstruction patient, a lot of drs. like to place the implant behind the muscle. They feel this gives another line of defense if future cancer is ever discovered along the incision line, or in the pec muscle. This gives them the chance to radiate this area without ruining the implant. At some point in your expansion process this pec muscle will expand to its max before it starts to get stretched. I am at that point now. So this expansion is the first where I am in quite a bit of pain in my pec muscles as a result of this stretching. I have been taking pain killers at night just to sleep. I will have to get less in each fill up from here on out to prevent this painful stretch. The good news is that the Plastic surgeon asked me if I would like to go ahead and schedule my "swap out" surgery (the surgery where they exchange your tissue expanders for your permanant implants and "pretty up" the breasts) I can have it as soon as 3 weeks after my last chemo. I told them I would like to have it before the end of the year because of our shakey health insurance situation. So I will likely have this surgery the 3rd or 4th week of December. Yah, Merry Christmas, here's some new boobs. :)

Jeff is still job hunting. Had some interviews, no official offers yet. He has gotten some more contract leads that we think will get us to December, so we are taking one day at a time.

We are sharing "our story" at church on Sunday. We wanted to share while we were in the midst of the storm. We often see people share in front of our churches that have come out of difficulty and can sing the praises of being lost and now found. We don't often see people who are in the midst of the storm and don't know how or if they will come out of it, share about where their faith is on all this. That's where we are, and that's what we will share about. Please pray that our words will be a blessing to others in the church. We don't want it to be a display for others to feel sorry for us, we want it to be a triumph of how Christ works in the midst of the chaos too.

Many blessings to you
Kat

Antibioticked, again...

2006-09-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

This will be a short post, because I am on bedrest. I have pneumonia. Yep, I was fine on Wednesday. I had a sore throat and a small cough, but I didn't think much of it. By Wed at midnight I had a nasty cough. After several calls back and forth to the oncologist he immediately put me on antibiotics (thank God for 24 hour pharmacies). We debated about whether I should go to the ER for a chest x-ray. He agreed to let me sleep it out since I did not have a fever, despite the coughing a wheezing, under the agreement that if I had a slight fever or got any worse during the night I would go to the hospital immediately.

The next morning I talked to the oncologist again and he put me on a narcotic cough medician and put me on strict bed rest for the next several days.

I am frustrated on many levels. First, I am frustrated that Jeff has so much more work to do now. At least even with chemo nausea I am functional to help with the family a least a couple hours a day. The last 2 days I have not been able to contribute ANYTHING to the house. So he is getting Bethany ready for school, caring for Liam all day, looking for a new job, doing phone interviews, cooking meals for all of us, cleaning the house, finishing his current job so he can get his severance, dealing with house building crap, and now caring for me and my needs. He has not complained, but I know he is exhausted physically and emotionally. I feel so useless to the family at this time. I know all the BS about how my job is "to heal", but that doesn't make me feel much better. Please pray for Jeff and his strength. Please continue to pray for his job situation, it is so stressful to be in limbo. He has some great leads, but still nothing concrete yet.

Please throw in a quick prayer for my healing, especially in time for my next chemo on tuesday so there would be no delays. (I know this seems funny to pray for healing so I can get sick again.)

This too shall pass...

Walt met with his oncologist yesterday and got his first hormone shot. I have not spoken to them about the details of the appt., and I know they have not received the lab work from their surgery yet. They have decided not to start radiation until they return from a trip to Israel in October. Again, I don't know the full details of all these timing decisions. That is the only update I have for now.

Kat

Getting back to life.

2006-08-28T08:36:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted since my haircut, primarily because I needed to get out of "me" for a while. I realized it is so much nicer to think about Bethany's first day of school, the students returning to campus, the details of our new house, returning to work at Starbucks and getting back to meeting with students on campus, then it is thinking about cancer.

Someone asked me yesterday, why I don't seem more mad at God, why I am not pissed at him, or asking why me? I realized in that moment it is because it takes so much more effort to let anger fester and bitterness take over. It is so much more freeing to focus on joy, fun and the good things of life. The fact of the matter is, its not God's fault I have cancer. Yes, he allowed it (I know this is a huge theological discussion for another day) Cancer is about biology. In the same way I don't "praise him" when a papercut heals, (maybe I should) I can't turn and blame him for cancer. I don't know if we will ever really know what causes cancer, but it could be my choices, my genetics or my enviornment. Any way, blaming him does me no good.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling sorry for myself. The last of my hair is now completely falling out, it is itchy and makes my scalp hurt a little. I try and rub off what I can in the shower and I have shaved some areas, but I have found that by shaving it shorter and makes my scalp more tender, so for now, I will let it fall out at will. I woke up Sunday realizing that this was going to be the first big day of facing people I know and trust, with my new wig, many of whom knew I knew that they knew that I was wearing a wig (did you catch that?). I have never been so self conscious in my life as I am when I leave the house wearing a wig. I am not exactly sure why. Maybe its because I don't want to be felt sorry for, maybe its because I feel like I am trying to keep up some kind of rouse on the world. Maybe its because I don't want to answer questions about cancer, especially to people who haven't seen me in months and may ask, "hey you have a new haircut, what's that about?" (I saw 3 such people at a single trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and purposely avoided all 3 becaue I just didn't want to answer that question.)

I have opted for the wig route whenever I leave the house for 2 big reasons. First, I just don't want to stand out to people who don't know me. I see it already in the looks from people who know me (the eyes rat you guys out everytime) its the "poor kat" look and I have learned to hate it. Second, the kids are still a little unsettled about my bald head (especially Bethany) and they get excited when I wear my wig. The last thing I want is Bethany seeing some kid she knows from school, while I have a bald head, and she gets teased about it. She is still in that blissful age of life where she doesn't realize people can be so mean, and she doesn't realize there is something wrong with mommy being "different" right now. (Don't we wish this could last forever?)

Anyway, after feeling sorry for myself Sunday morning, we went to church. Church was packed. Its the first major Sunday after the students return for school at Tech and it was standing room only. It was so exciting to see that many students packing into a place to go to church (I think it was at least 650). I was quickly jolted out of myself when I realized that the big news was all these kids coming to learn about Christ (without mom and dad's prodding) and not my stupid issue of my new wig. I felt the adrenaline pumping as they continued to pour in and I found it a huge blessing to witness such a gathering. I have known for several years now that God has given me a special place in my heart for college students. There is such a yearning for independence and for many, the first time their faith and decisions are completely their own. I love watching and experiencing this coming of age, and it is the reason I love the students I meet with on campus for Bible Study and "mentoring" time. A couple of people I know commented on my hair, but it just wasn't that big of a deal, and frankly it shouldn't have been.

Our pastor is a gifted teacher who has a unique ability to speak the truth with humor and frankness, that I find so refreshing. He is speaking now on Joseph, I think primarily geared towards the new changes and obstacles facing college students, but every word has spoken to me directly in the changes I have been facing about cancer. His messages are available to listen to online, if you would like to hear some good teaching you can listen to them at: http://nlcf.net/talks/the-life-of-joseph-series

I also had a meeting and a phone conversation with two great women. One is a student I will continue to meet with this year and one is a woman who is coming on staff with a campus ministry I love called InterVarsity. Both are people I hope to focus on praying for and encouraging as they work on campus and focus on God's callings in their lives. Both conversations were amazingly uplifting and really helped me realize that it is so much more fun and energizing to focus on other people's needs and prayers then to sit around and think about cancer all the time.

I had my second round of chemo on tuesday and I am thankful that there was less nausea. However, I did experience some more achy feeling this time from the Neulasta shot (a white blood cell recovery med, that I need every round the day after chemo). It feels very much like you are "getting" the flu for a few days, but then subsides. I will take ache over puke anyday. I am hoping by the next few rounds I will get the magic combination of drugs and food down to make the first couple of days after chemo as smooth as possible. For now, it seems that I have chemo on Tuesday, I am laid up the rest of that day, all day Wednesday, somewhat functional mid-day Thursday and Friday (the mornings and evenings can be rough) and then back to relative normal by Saturday until the next round.

I started back to work at Starbucks on Saturday for the first time since my diagnosis (June 9th) and it felt so good. I worked 4 hours and it was relatively slow, but I was glad to get back to the business of real life again. I wore my wig with a bandana over it on top (not uncommon for people to wear bandanas there to keep their hair back). One girl I work with knows my story so she didn't ask about it. The other two employees were new and I didn't offer any info. I do not want to be known as the "cancer girl". As far as my regular customers that asked about me. Most of them I just said, "I took some time off this summer." Only one, whom I have gotten to know quite well over the last year, did I tell the whole story. Turns out she has battled colon cancer in the last 4 years, and we developed an immediate kinship. I agreed to pray for her and her inlaws battle with illness and she agreed to pray for me and inlaws battle with illness.

I hope to increase my hours over the next several months, especially if we need to pick up benefits from Starbucks. The wonderful thing about working for them, is that if I can work 20 hours average a week, they will give me full benefits. Since we just received our first bill for our new insurance premium, ($987.00) this will become necessary sooner rather than later if Jeff's job situation continues to be piecing together short term contract work. Yes, I know that's a lot of money to pay a month, put if it puts it into any kind of perspective as far as what a blessing that is, let me say this....Each chemo costs $5,000. Each Neulasta shot, for each chemo, costs $3,000. Each Emend pill I take for nausea cost $100. I take 3 per round. Since I am having chemo twice a month that means without meds, additional drs. visits, scans or tests, my next 3 months will cost at least $16,000 a month! So for now, we will be thankful to pay $987.00 a month.

Lastly, but certainly not least. Bethany started school on Wednesday with flying colors. We waiting for a half an hour for the bus and then it came, she got on, and left again in a flash! She was so confident and excited, I was so proud of her independence. I really didn't have the physical wear with all to get emotional (keep in mind this was the morning after chemo, not a good time for me physically) but with ice chips in hand we waited out there and I did fine. I came back inside and went straight back to bed. She has done great her first 3 days, learning rules, buying lunch in the cafeteria like a big girl and making friends (I am sure she is probably the classroom social director by now, yah, I know, apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) She goes for a full day, and they even include naptime (though she insists there is never actually any sleeping, but I am sure the teachers need the break.) I think it is so good for her to be at school right now, she hardly even noticed my last round of chemo, and that's the way it should be. Liam has been awesome at home with his additional one on one time with Mommy and Daddy and even his Occupational Therapist who comes to work on his Sensory Disorder issues has notices a change in him. I have enjoyed my one on one time with him that he has never really got to experience before since there was already another kid in place when he was born.

I have no new news on Jeff's dad. He is back home in Florida trying to return to his real life again. He has not met with an oncologist yet, I think it is all because of logistical reasons of insurance and scheduling, but he will have his first meeting with one this week. I have had a couple of conversations with my oncologist with what Walt may be facing ahead. He talked at length about hormonal therapy for prostate cancer and said he had some patients who had been diagnosed with "Advance Prostate Cancer" that he had now been treating for 10-12 years. Our prayer for Walt is that his cancer is the type that is hormonally driven, because this will mean that hormone supression could treat his cancer for quite a long time. I will keep you updated.

As for Jeff's job search. He has a string of short term contracts that will get us through mid-October. By October, when several companies fiscal year's start he will likely be able to add more contract work that will get us through to at least December. He also has a job interview tomorrow for a job based in Roanoke area (about 30 min away), but they have indicated their might be a great deal of travel involved, so we are not sure if this is a good thing or not. With the contract work we can get the money for our family, but no benefits (that would have to be where Starbucks comes in), but it would also allow Jeff to continue to work at home, which would allow me to work at Starbucks and also allow him to continue to hold up the family (and me) after each of my chemo rounds. A full time job somewhere else will likely provide us with a higher salary and benefits, but he would have to commute everyday, and for the short term and long term that would be a bummer, because I like having my hubby around, he is my best friend. So I am not sure how to pray on this, I guess just chalk it up to praying God's perfect will.

Thank you a thousand times over for the family stories, updates and emails you all have sent. I read them sometimes 3 or 4 times and I have looked at all the stories, links and websites. Please keep them coming!

Heres the pics of GI Jane, Kat Style...

2006-08-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

We had a hair cutting bonanza tonight. The kids did great. Bethany said, "Mommy this was so much fun, I loved it, this was the funnest night ever!" I sorely underestimated how well she would handle this. Liam just ran around in circles and laughed when he saw my head. I feel like I look like a boy (especially with the flat chest) I may have to up my makeup usage a little. I also feel a little like a lesbian wanna be. The pictures say it all...

Before...

Chemo mullet, during...

Me with my new wig.

All the hair I'm donating.

Baldy Kat.

Hair today, gone tomorrow...

2006-08-21T10:16:00.000-05:00

OK, I admit, I couldn't wait to use that title's bad pun.

The time has arrived, like a huge bill after Christmas credit card spending. The time has come. Last night I went to bed around midnight (I have had quite a bit of insomnia in the last week with all the meds in my body). Right before I went to bed I went to the bathroom and noticed the tell tale sign, my hair was falling out. I will spare you the initimate details, but the body hair is the first to go, arms, sometimes leg, pubic ,etc. I ran my fingers through my head hair (which had been tied up most of the day) and sure enough large amounts of hair came with it. I wouldn't describe it as "chunks" of hair as some people have, been it definately has begun.

I cried. I am not sad about the hair itself. God knows I have been fighting it for years. As women we are constantly trying to pluck, wax, relocate, move, pin down, shine up or tame. After years of trying to fight off the mono-brow, now my last wish is that I wouldn't lose my eyebrows. Boy how life comes full circle.

I cried because I feel like I am "outed" now. I will now have to make the choice each time I leave the house whether I will put on a wig, hat or scarf. I am hoping I really like how my wig feels, because especially when I visit Bethany's school, I want to look as normal as possible. I don't want to look like the gaunt cancer patient. If I could sum up the one thing I hate the most in this journey, (ok two things, the gripping fear is definately the worst), but a close second would be the feeling that people are feeling sorry for me. I see it in their eyes when they look at me. I hear it in their words when the speak to me. I feel it in a room when I walk in. Its the elephant of cancer in the room, sometimes spoken about, sometimes not. I just want to be able to go to Wal-Mart like no big deal. I don't want people to see my as "that poor lady, she must have cancer" I don't want to be the teaching case of parents for their kids..."hey mommy why doesn't that lady have hair?" "Well, dear its because she has a yucky sickness callled cancer." The other side of it is the people who know me well, know I am losing (or will have lost) my hair and whatever I have on my head (especially a wig) is really just fake. I know it, they know it, we may not speak of it, but its there.

Here's my plan of attack. I am not going to wait for it all to come out on its own. I really want to donate my hair to "Locks of Love". It is a non-profit organization that makes wigs for children who are going through cancer or allopecia (a permanant hair loss disease). This little ship of hair has sailed me this far and its time to let someone else enjoy it for a while. I have been very particular about conditioning the last few months, knowing that I would want the strongest hair possible to donate.

Tonight, I will put my hair in ponytails and chop it off. I want the kids to be as involved as possible and we have been talking for a few weeks about this exciting chance I have to give my hair to little girls who need it. I want them to be excited about this, my new hats, my new wig and not scared about mommy's new strange head. I will let them help cut my hair and we might even make a "party" out of it. After that I will probably shave it off. I have heard that If I don't it will be come itchy, tender and I will find hair "everywhere" around the house. I will take lots of pictures and post them here as we go through this.

I have a favor to ask you....please don't say the following things to me, even if they are truthful
1. Your head is so nicely shaped
2. you are a beautiful baldy
3. Your wig looks so real
4. you can pull of this look so well
5. this is only temporary
6. {insert celebrity} looked great bald, and you look like her
7. you can pull of hats so well, you are definately a hat person
8. you don't need hair to be beautiful
9. your inner beauty is really shining through
10. you will look back on this time and feel stronger for it.

I know these things, I've heard these things. It doesn't make me feel any better. If it makes you feel better, I feel like I have more self-esteem right now then any other time in my life. I even did a self-esteem excerise with one of the girls I meet with back in May, before all this, and I feel better about my body, my life, my place in this world then ever before. But, I don't like feeling patronized or felt sorry for, so I guess that's why I can't handle the above statements.

On another note, Walt is home now, it much less pain and awaiting visits to the first round of drs. to begin his treament.

Love you all
Kat

Funniest thing in a long time....

2006-08-20T19:17:00.000-05:00

This link to an article in "the Onion" (a spoof magazine) is hands down the funniest thing I have read since my diagnosis. Please take a moment to read it, I had tears of laughter running down my face by the end.

Kat

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51596

I've been antibioticked.

2006-08-18T19:45:00.000-05:00

Its the new verb I created for when you call the dr. and he puts you on an antibiotic. This has happened to me 4 times already this summer, so it officially a verb now. Somebody contact Webster's.

I am still battling with my headcold and since (sorry this is graphic) my mucus is yellow and not clear it is time for antibiotics. I am ok with this as I want to be healthy enough by tuesday to have my next chemo on time. I don't want this part to take anymore, even a day, longer than it has to.

My spirits are dramatically different. I have a new treatment regiment, I call it laughter-chemo. Its when your friends and loved ones send you the coolest emails, family updates, Julie Andrews "favorite things", funny links and cool cards that make you forget about cancer a few minutes at a time. My aunt Mary sent me the greatest box of hats today to add to my growing collection, and besides the bummer of losing my hair, I can't wait to start wearing them. She even included some Harley Davidson "doo-rags" that I love. Blacksburg is cold and I will get a chance to wear all my hats, even with a wig, I will likely need both once fall rolls in.

I've also decided to get out of myself as much as I can. I have contacted a girl I met with on campus last year to start meeting again for Bible study time and I would like to start meeting with another girl the Lord's put on my heart. I would enjoy dealing with other problems people have like boyfriends and bad grades, over my junk.

I have spent a lot of time on line following your links of humor and trivia, keep them coming! I also live on a website called Young Survival. org which has become my free psychologist in all this. It is a website dedicated entirely to woman with breast cancer under 40. It has a message board with all kinds of issues from how to talk to your young kids, to stupid things people have said to us since we had cancer. Jeff has started calling it my "group therapy" time, and he is so right. There are plenty of local cancer support groups for breast cancer, but as the leader of it told me, "we haven't had someone under 50 in this group in quite a long time ." I will end with just one story a woman told on this site that had me laughing so hard I almost cried.

Another woman had shared that the 50th person had come up to her and told her about their relative that had breast cancer (I will tell you so you know, we breast cancer survivors love it when other survivors come up to us, but are not too thrilled when people share stories of other people they know with Breast cancer because it is second hand information from someone who doesn't quite get what its like to be in the midst of this. ) Believe it or not, and this has happened to me, people will relay their detailed stories about someone who had breast cancer and died and long horrible death from it. [great, thanks for the encouragement] Anyway, this woman was in line at Wal-mart and the cashier told her a long detailed story of how her mom had died from BC and noticing that my friend was bald she said, "what kind of cancer do you have, is it a bad one?" To which my friend replied, "I have cancer of the ass, but I have had reconstruction, would you like to touch it to see how real the implants feel?" I am sorry, but this is so funny to me. My friend said the cashier couldn't tell if she was serious so she declined the offer and stopped talking.

Keep the good stuff coming, I love the family updates.

Kat

Better, Worse, or about the same?

2006-08-16T20:19:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know what that title means, you have never been to the eye doctor. For those of you that are not blessed with eagle eyes like Jeff has, and have near blindness (like I used to have before Laser Eye Surgery last year) you will know exactly what that means....

BETTER
Today is better emotionally for us. We are functioning at normal again. The kids got 3 square meals today, Liam got his diaper changed in a timely manner and I brushed my teeth for the first time before 4pm. I am focusing on keeping busy and functional. I even called Starbucks to tell them I am ready to ease back into work, I will start with one day next Saturday, I can't wait. I took Bethany to buy her school supplies and pick out her first day of school outfit (a cute butterfly embroidered capri pant with a matching peach and white flower and butterfly top, I will post pictures after her first day) I have been working on a ton of building stuff for our new house. I don't think I even mentioned to you all that on Monday our general contractor was fired (feel free to insert laugh here, I did) We are using a builder and they are scrambling to use the rest of the staff to replace him. Frankly, we have almost been our own general contractor on this job, so I forwarded all my info to the builder to have them pick up where the other guy left off. It has been a nice distraction in all that.

{insert whisper here} perhaps God knew that I would need to be this involved and the delays would need to happen for my emotional healing and sense of contribution as well as seeing something being built while I felt torn down.

WORSE
I woke up last night (about 4 am) with the worst headache I've ever had in my life, no exaggeration. It was clear to me that it was a sinus headache and immediately I knew that the perfect storm of my low white blood cell count window and the kids colds that have had in the last week and merged together in my head. I will confess that I am a huge medicator. I love cold medicine and don't completely understand why everyone doesn't use the huge arsenol of cold meds available as soon as symptoms hit. Unfortunately, as long as I'm on chemo I can't take ANYTHING, including the basics like Tylenol without Dr.'s approval. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, some of them don't react well with the chemo drugs, or may cause my blood to thin (this is not good) but the other major reason is because drugs can mask deeper issues. If I take Tylenol for a simple headache it may mask the life threatening fever that lies beneath. If I get a bad cold or even worse flu at this time it could very easily land me in the hospital. So, knowing this I wrestled in my bed and then spent an hour in the bathroom trying all the old school techniques, warm compress, steam, etc. Nothing worked consistently and certainly not in a way that allowed me to get any sleep. Finally, when the pain was bad enough that I thought I would vomit, I woke up Jeff. He plugged in the heating pad for me and I literally slept with it on low on my face for the next hour. When I woke up I stumbled to phone, I must have looked like a hung-over college student, and called the Dr.

I begged him for some drugs. He talked with the "others" (it must be the same people they talk about in 'Lost'--if you don't watch that show, you won't get that comment) and they had me take my temp several times. When they were convinced that I was fever free they allowed me to take 2 tylenol and an allergy med (Claridin) which Jeff had to go out and get me. AFter two hours I felt like a new woman and went about the rest of my day feeling like I had a cold, but relatively normal.

ABOUT THE SAME
We called Walt last night. He is still in Atlanta, layed up from surgery. He is admittedly in pain, and not anxious to move, let alone sit in a car for 6 hours, anytime soon. He was, of course, in his usual good spirits and I chuckled that the majority of the conversation was spent telling Jeff some changes he wanted on his web site. They are scheduled to return home on friday. We will keep you updated on all this.

Thank you for your prayers, hopes, wishes and emails. Keep sending the funny, quirky and interesting, I think that has helped me turn the corner in the last few days....no...I know it has.

Kat

Walt's surgery, now what?

2006-08-14T21:39:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start with a disclaimer. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am not the bearer of good news lately. Its not that I don't want to be, its just my reality these days. I say this not as a martyr, but as a reality to telling you if you can't handle the junk of this emotional journey we've been through, I don't blame you and I would likely do the same. If you think you can handle more, if you didn't have enough to pray about, if you continue your unconditional support...read on.

Walt was supposed to have his prostate removed this morning. What we knew going into surgery was that the cancer was definately on both sides of the prostate, that he was not eligible for simple radiation procedures and there may be some indication that the cancer was not completely limited to the prostate, but if spreading had occurred we didn't know how much or to where. I am going to explain the results as black and white as possible reserving the emotional or variations for later, here is what they found. The cancer has spread beyond the prostate. The Dr. indicated he could see it at least spread to the lymph nodes visually and we are unsure of where else he may or may not have spread to. He believes it has not spread to the bone (a good thing), but as far as its aggressiveness, or extent of spreading we will not know completely until the pathology report returns. The Dr. opted to leave the prostate in place for what I believe (in my lay person's knowledge) was so Walt could have a quicker recovery from surgery to begin other treatment, to leave a marker by which to measure how affective treatments are working, and because its removal at this point may do more damage than benefit. The next step is for Walt and Sue to rush home (as early as tomorrow--yes, that quickly--for those of you who don't know they are having surgery 6 hours from where they live) and begin immediate hormone treatment. Prostate cancer is not a cancer treated with chemotherapy unless there is some specific symptom that develops that the chemo can help eleviate, but chemo is no cure for this type of cancer. Hormone therapy will deal with finding out whether Walt's cancer is feeding off of and growing from testosterone. As they administer the hormones I imagine they will monitor the cancer, any tumors or growth, to see if the combination of hormones decreases or ceases their spread. I will become a student of prostate cancer as I have breast cancer. I wish in my own selfish way that at the very least they could make all the scales and terminologies similiar so I could apply what I have absorbed about my cancer to an understanding of Walt's, but it is not the case.

OK, what does this all mean, really? Its not what we wanted, by any stretch of the imagination. We are now dealing with his cancer in frank terms as a matter of extending life and improving quality of life. As a cancer survivor now (wow, that's the first time I've applied that statement to myself) the words "extending" and "improving" are not words you want to hear. They feel like a consulation prize to first place and everyone knows the reality behind what they mean. None of us are bulletproof, but looking into the mirror of life's reality is not only not fun, but it is the most terrifying view that exists in this lifetime, I now know that. We HAVE TO believe that Walt will fight this with everything in his and Christ's power. We HAVE TO believe that our days are not numbered down, but added up, that is not a choice of the mind, it is a reality to being able to go on, and function on a daily basis. I or Walt could not get out of bed each day if we knew it was just another cross off the calender to an inevitable reality or fear. That is not a choice that I know Walt will allow, he is too much of a man for that.

I will not justify prognosis, timelines or outcomes, they will not affect Walt's outcome or the number of days in this world and they are only numbers. Countless people have beat the unbeatable, survived the unsurvivable and stood up to the crushing blows of some cancer that everyone else had written off in them. There is no reason to believe that we can't be the lottery winners in this raffle.

For all of us; Jeff, me, Jeff's sisters, Sue (Jeff's mom) and the layers of family that are trying to hold the sails down each time the wake of another wave hit, we are spent. Just when I think I am cried out, my body finds a way to produce more tears. Just when I think we have gotten our mouths above water the enormity and grief come crashing in again.

I called our pastor today and told him, "we are at the point where basic function is becoming difficult." To that, like an angel from God (no eloboration, a true angel from the Lord) he swooped in and picked up our kids to play at his house with his kids for several hours so Jeff and I could just sit for a few hours. I realized at 3:30 I hadn't even fed them lunch yet, and I couldn't remember if they'd gotten breakfast. I am sure they kept snacking as I threw junk food at them and had the TV babysit them, but I can't tell you how long Liam went without a diaper change today. I know God is still listening because I wouldn't even thought to have asked our pastor to do that, but God provided him to step up and just do it.

I have learned a valuable lesson (OK, by this point it is probably lesson number 543,987) but that in this moments I can't pray, when I don't want to take the effort to even flip the pages to the scripture someone has given me, I must rely on what I have learned to this point. I get that now. I get that the random Bible study I had in college, that sermon from a retreat in high school or that verse I memorized as a challenge from a friend may not have been meant for that time, but as armament for this battle at hand. I will take that to the college students I meet with on campus this fall, and to anyone else along the way. We need to be in the Word today so that when we don't have the strength to kneel at the cross tomorrow the words will already be printed on our hearts and in our spirits.

I have thought alot about the story in the Old Testament of Aaron and Hur...

Exodus 17:11-13
"As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one on one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."

Moses had a job to do and literally didn't have the strength to do it any more. He didn't have to, the Lord sent others to literally do the work for him.

That is what we need, that is what we rely on, though it gives me a pit in my stomach every time we have to "receive" something from someone in all this, I am humbly blessed more and more by each gesture.

I will keep you updated as Walt begins his treatment. As for me, I feel quite good physically in all this. I do hear the echoes of all of you out there saying, "you need to focus on getting better yourself, and getting well." I hear that, I receive that, and believe it or not I block about 90% of what I normally would in "worries" to focus on what's important (like the fact that I don't care where things have been placed in our new apartment, whether its the most efficient use of space or even if it makes sense. If it lands there, that's where its staying. For those of you who really know me, that is a big deal for me not to try and find the most efficient way to do everything.) I still haven't hit this mysterious White blood cell dip that everyone keeps eluding to, but since it is suppose to hit sometime in days 7-10 after treatment I am there now (today is day 7). I will confess I am not eating like I should. At last count I was down another 4 pounds, I think 15 pounds total since this all began. Don't worry I am not in danger of wasting away. I am now on steroids as part of chemo so I am sure it will come back to get me.

What we need from you...I need to talk about something other then cancer. I need updates on your lives. Email me your last christmas letter, tell me what your kids are doing, share with us the quirky little stories you read in the paper. I want updates on the best new TV shows, I want a list of good jokes (bring on clean and dirty), I want to become addicted to reality TV. I want you to ask me about which of the new Hokie birds in town I like the best (if you live locally) or what Bethany is going to wear to her first day of school (Aug 23). I need the distraction, I need the realief. If you see me around town, especially after I lose my hair, I need you to ignore the Elephant of cancer in the room and ask me about the color of toenail polish I'm wearing. I need that, I crave that. Send it on.

Please know that just by reading this today, you have answered one of my prayers. That is a wonderful blessing to me.

Kat

Update on Jeff's dad, Walt.

2006-08-12T11:48:00.000-05:00

For all my prayer people out there, I got a new one for you. Jeff's dad, Walt will go in for his prostate cancer surgery on Monday, August, 14th at 7:45 am in Atlanta, GA. Some of you may be wondering why Atlanta since they live in Florida. They are travelling to have one of the best prostate surgeons in the country operate on him. Their alternative was a military contracted dr. who told him that he wouldn't bother with surgery and he only had 3 years to live. The second dr. said "hogwash" that he had a great prognosis and of course they would remove the cancer. I liked what he said, "the best cancer is one on the shelf in a jar somewhere."

In case you haven't caught in the 20 other times I have mentioned it, ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION.

The bummer for them is that their insurance is not covering very much of this surgery, but I know that you get to a place in life where you can't put a price on the sacrifice you will make financially to receive the best possible chance, and you just have to take the leap of faith and work the money part out later. It may sound trite, but its reality.

He will have his entire prostate removed, unfortunately other options such as seed radiation, etc. are not things he is eligible for. He will most likely have radiation in the future.

Our prayer is that the cancer will be completely contained in his prostate (like me, we want clear margins) with NO LYMPH NODE involvement. I am also going to throw out a very specific prayer that all his nerve endings remain intact and that he has many years ahead of him of enjoying the "finer things of marriage." This is not at all an unreasonable request from a medical standpoint, and since those "finer things of marriage" are responsible for the birth of my wonderful husband, I say more power to you! We also want to pray that there is no spreading of the disease to the seminal vesical, or other local areas.

Since Jeff's sister, Stefanie, lives in Atlanta, they will be able to stay with her until he is well enough to travel home. We will try to update you next week with his status.

Today is a new day, I think.

2006-08-12T09:10:00.000-05:00

Its an interesting week to live this new life of major changes. I often feel like I am on the outside of someone else's bad dream waiting to be awaken by some alarm clock. Then I realize that this reality, for this season of life is not something for me to fear, but to try and work along with. I am feeling better than I had expected to feel coming into the chemo phase of this fight. Though no amount of preparation or reading can prepare you for the general feeling of yuck that becomes the norm.

I have become thankful for the times I don't feel like I am going to puke. For me, the experience feels a lot like when I was pregnant. I am never quite 100%, not puking, but always feel like if I smell the wrong thing, or taste the wrong thing, the possibility is there. I have learned that I need to eat and drink something IMMEDIATELY upon getting up or the nausea hits me like a brick wall. I am not normally a breakfast eater, but we have tried to keep things on hand that I can eat in a hurry. I am tired, not exhausted, but I feel like I have lived a whole day by about 4:00 pm. I think in the coming months 9 pm may become my bedtime.

Today, it is raining outside and it feels very much like how I am feeling about life right now. I am not depressed (after a bout with post pardum depression, I have no problems seeking anti-depressants if or when the time comes, I've been told this is very common with people dealing with sickness/cancer/chemo.)

I am just feeling like I need to find my way in all this. I must say in light of Jeff's loss of job, I feel even more useless then I did before. I know I will be a virtual blob over the next 16 weeks as I try to keep up my strength and fight this disease. I struggle with knowing that I won't be the best mom, the best wife, the best friend or the best employee I can be. I know my "job" is to fight this cancer, but let's face it, that is just no fun. I know that this is a season, that won't last forever and all that junk about how I will be stronger for it, be glad I did it, see God through it, yadda, yadda, yadda. I struggle with not having the option of being the one who can go out and work more to help the family job/insurance issues. I hope to return to Starbucks part-time in a few weeks, but I would be kidding myself if I thought I could do it more than 15 hours a week for the next few months.

I am trying hard not to think about Jeff's job loss. If I do, I waiver back and forth between panic and fear. Its not that I don't trust Jeff, his abilities or even God's provision. The reality is I know God does not promise us the level of comfort or financial status we may once have attained, there is just no promise there. I know we will not be homeless, hungry, left by the side of the road and all my other thoughts from there are just plain selfish. We are in process of building our dream home. This is the home we had designed to live in for decades, watch the kids go off to college, or retire in. This was the last stop of home ownership for us. We love this house, this land and all the plans we had for it. Now, I feel sick even thinking about it. What if its not in God's plan for us to have this house? What if we were being too materialistic about it? What if His plan is much different for us then we had set out for ourselves? I was so excited about the house a week ago. It was such a wonderful distraction from cancer. I enjoyed going out to the house and seeing it be built up a little more each visit. I almost felt like the more I got broken down physically, I could look forward to it being built up. Now, I am resentful that I don't feel excited about it anymore. I resent that I am scared that a lack of job will suddenly eliminate our chances of moving in. The house is set to be done in November and I was looking forward to it being a new beginning after my chemo treatments end. As it is now, if I keep on my current chemo schedule I will finish with chemo November 14th, and our house is scheduled to be done November 20th. I struggle with guilt that we even had the opportunity for this kind of house and that I am being greedy about it. I struggle with resenting our current apartment. I know God provided this place for our family, that was exactly what we prayed for...a place in Bethany's school district, with 2 bedrooms, affordable, available for a short term lease, washer/dryer, dishwasher. It is exactly what we asked for when we didn't know where we would live between our last house and our new house. I never would have imagined when we signed the lease here that I would be facing going through chemo here and I feel guilty being resentful about it.

The light in all this is Jeff. He is the embodiment of the vows, "for better or for worse" He doesn't complain and doesn't waiver in all this and I am humbled by his strength. (I am tearing up as I write this) Even since he lost his job he has been a rock. At first, I thought he was just trying to be "strong" for all of us, but then I came to realize in recent days that he really does feel like we will be OK in all this. When I become ungrateful of this place we live in, he chimes in with a reminder of how grateful we need to be for this place that is more than enough and more than a lot of people have. He is on far less sleep then me (or any of us) in all this and when I rise he is doing something for the family and when I go to sleep he is doing something for the family. I am humbled to wonder if I could have the same type of strength he has had if the situation was reversed. (I don't want to be tested on that God, in case you are wondering.)

As far as the job search, Jeff has updated his resume and will post it on all the major channels as well as send it to some of you who've inquired. He is also vigourously pursuing his previous contracts from his job that just laid him off. Since they got rid of all of this type of work he is free to pursue these companies directly for contract work. Some of them he has job experience going back 7 years, but he knows that he only has a very short window to produce signed contracts for work in order to give his family financial stability. If I had to write a wish list for his job, we would obviously prefer he continue to be able to work at home, but we also know this may not be realistic anymore. We will keep you updated on his status.

As for you, my readers of this blog. I must say I am humbled that anyone would care what my little words are on a daily basis. I know you all as caring people, but I know myself as a talker as well, and find myself quite surprised that anyone would indulge my babbling this long. I am humbled by the words the Lord gives me in my heart for writing in this blog (sometimes I type something and think, "did I write that?") Thank you for your continued feedback, I will keep writing as long as someone keeps reading.

Love and blessings,
Kat

new address

2006-08-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have asked...

Our new address is:

The Werner Family
212 Ellett Rd.
Blacksburg, VA 24060

phone is still the same: 540-552-4321

Its 10 pm on chemo day two, still feeling good, but very tired. Good night all.

Kat

Update on chemo and other news...

2006-08-09T10:24:00.000-05:00

I made it through my first of 8 chemos! The whole process took about 4 hours. I met with my oncologist (the first time Jeff has met him). The Dr. joked with the medical student he brought in with him about how I was the patient who told him what chemo I was going to do and he was along for the ride.

They took a blood sample to check all those "counts" I explained before. They all came in normal.

I sat down in the chemo room (a horseshoe shaped room with comfy recliners around the outside and nurses station on the middle) I will try and post a picture sometime so you can see my experience.

The most painful part of the process was when the took the bandage off to access my port on my right arm (boy I wish someone could come up with an ouchless tape for hospitals) I felt a stick when the put the needle in my port, especially since it is still so new, it is tender. The good news on this is that they gave me a prescription for numbing cream to put on that site before I come next time so I won't feel that again. I didn't feel burning of the meds going in, like some people described. The first half hour was all anti-nausea meds. The second part was a giant syringe the nurse inserted by hand, it is the "A" part of the A/C treatment. It looks like fruit punch (very red) and it took about 15 min. The last part was an IV bag, the "C" part that took a little over an hour.

I ate lunch during treatment (Jeff was there with me) and watched my little TV they provide. Had a long talk with the nurses about what I was facing in months ahead and also caught up on their personal lives. Susan and Christine will be my regular nurses each Tuesday treatment.

I was fine until about 8pm when the nausea hit. I never actually threw up. Dry heave a couple of times, almost wished I would throw up at others. I took 2 Promethazine tabs over the course of the night. They really knock you out. By about 11 pm I figured out that sucking on ice chips helped the most. I couldn't even stand the smell of anything food wise, but found out that popcorn was ok, it was a light flavor, dry, just enought to get something in my stomach. I went to bed about midnight. Did not feel sick all night. Woke up about 11 am (something I haven't done in years). So far today I feel tired, but no nausea. I am trying to stay on top of it with regular meds, etc. I have eaten a bowl of cereal and a leftover sweet potato. The one bummer (that I had been warned of) is that I have very little taste. The chemo leaves a metal taste and sucks up most of your saliva so I have dry mouth and little taste for the next 4 months.

On to other news, big news. Jeff lost his job yesterday. I know, I know, it could not have come at a worse time. He got the call at about 6pm last night. It has nothing to do with my health, our move, etc. They are getting rid of his whole section of the company. It is only an 8 person company to begin with, so 2 guys will be laid off. His last pay check is August 31st. We knew this was a possiblity for several years now. (This is the main reason we moved to Blacksburg) but as you can imagine the timing really, truly, could not be worse. We have gotten the company owner to agree to extend our health insurance as a "non-salaried employee" until the end of December. This is huge, because even though we will have to pay for the insurance ourselves back to the company, we will not have to pay the COBRA rate which could be thousands of dollars a month given my current health status. We don't know how this will affect our construction loan for our new house, as well as a thousand other things. We feel we have the resources to get throught October. In the meantime Jeff with turn over every rock, send out resumes over a 100 square miles and follow up with all leads. If you all know anyone who needs a computer Developer or Application manager that can work from Blacksburg, Roanoke or Salem (telecommute or commute to local office) please let us know.

Spiritual and emotionally I am tired and wrecked by this latest development. I am trying to do what I can to mend my own body. I am tired of talking with God, I speak to him in whispers of my heart throughout the day, but as he says in his scripture, he knows the prayers when I have no words to say. I embrace your prayers and encouragement now more than ever. I have realized that there are a special group of you that still read this blog, still write back to me and still send encouragement even 2 months into this battle. Trust me when I say, I still pour over every word and need them so much. Thank you for being the continued support to us through this.

Blessings,
Kat

Back Online...

2006-08-07T19:24:00.000-05:00

Hello all. After many days and moving (arghhh) we are back online and settling into our new, somewhat "cozier" new digs. I will refrain from using the expression "smaller place" as I believe outlook is half the battle, but who am I kidding, it is quite a bit smaller.

First, the details...

I start chemo TOMORROW, Tuesday, August 8th. My appointment is scheduled for 9:45 am. Tomorrow's appt. will be longer than most, as they introduce me to the joys that are chemo. Every week's chemo will be dependent on some major factors before they will continue with the regime. So, I will start tomorrow assuming that my white blood cell count is normal (you will here me refer to this A LOT in coming months, as this is one of the most important things in my chemo. (Quick medical lesson, for those of you, who like me, had no idea what all these cell things meant until confronted with the necessity of knowing)

White blood cells (WBC) = germ fighters. The more you have the better, even in healthy people, your white blood cell count will drop when you are about to get a cold, have the flu, etc. Since the chemo will be killing cells (targeting the cancer cells, but good cells get whacked along the way as well) I will have "dips" in my WBC, usually at their 7-10 days after each one of my treatments (assuming I avoid all illness). I will need to have a shot the day after chemo each round to force these WBC into recovery (this is part of doing the Dense Dose treatment) without DD, they would recover on their own in about 21 days. A good count is 3,800-10,800. Any thing lower than that the day I enter each round and they will have to postpone that round until they rebound.

Platelets = blood clotters. We need these to make sure we don't "bleed out" when we are cut. They also repair damage to your blood vessels by helping form blood clots. I had a problem with really low platelets during both my pregnancies. I did not have to have a platelet transfusion, but came dangerously close to having to have one. I am praying this problem doesn't rear its ugly head once again. Normal platelets are 130,000-400,000. During my pregnancy my lowest count was about 30,000.

Red Blood Cells (RBC) = carries oxygen. They need to be 3.9-5.2.

Assuming all of these counts for me are in normal range I will begin chemo tomorrow. The one wrench in the gears is how I am healing from the PICC line I had installed on last Monday. After discussions with the surgeon and oncologist we decided to put the PICC in my arm. (A PICC is a long-term temporary port placed in a major vein or artery that allows them to put in IV fluids, or take blood samples without having to stick me each time, or look for a new usable vein for each round of chemo.) Especially for women, chemo tends to ruin a vein each round. It becomes increasingly difficult to find new usable veins for each round of chemo (especially with 8 rounds ahead of me). The first oncologist did not recommend I have one (I am still not entirely sure why), but others I have consulted with that have had chemo, as well as my current oncologist, all highly recommended one. We decided not to have a chest one installed (which is usually the norm) because the surgeon was concerned it would interfere with my expanders for my future boobies.

So, I had one installed last Monday. I had no problems (it was an outpatient procedure under local anesthetic). Its not what I would call an afternoon of fun, but I was glad to not have to go under general anethesia again ( I would have, had I had a chest port put in). It was sore and tender, but ok, until Tuesday. Tuesday, we started to move. I was told not to lift anything with this arm for several days. I did very well, except I had to lift Liam 2 times. Well, by Tuesday night it was bleeding through the dressing they put on, and the one I put on top of their dressing. (Yah, I know, not a good sign) I will talk more about my God sighting in the midst of this and the move a little later.

I called the Dr. And he told me that I had to lay down on the couch with my arm above me for the rest of the night. This was very difficult for me. Keep in mind, while I was laying there a team of people who had come to help us move were moving heavy things around me and I was literally flat on my back, doing NOTHING! This was tough for me emotionally. I teared up about it several times throughout the night I was tired of having this great spiritual and emotional lessons from cancer, someone else can have the "testimonies" for a change.

Wednesday morning, while the professional movers were at my house with Jeff, I was at the local emergency room getting a dressing change, an antibiotic and an arm sling (not necessary, but given to me so I would COMPLETELY stop using my right arm.) (yes, I am right handed) I went to the emergency room by recommendation of my dr. who put in the arm port, to save me a trip back to the hospital that put in the port (35 min away) so I could go to the local hospital, get the change and be back to the moving process. The port has not bled since. It was a little swollen when the oncologist's nurse looked at it on Friday, but she was confident I would be ok for my first round of chemo. So, assuming it is ok tomorrow, I will be ok to start chemo.

GOD SIGHTINGS....

This is one of my favorite expressions introduced to me by our best friends. It is simply an expression to show how we see God in the folds of our life, sometimes in unexpected places or ways. I have had a thousand of these since June 9th (my diagnosis day). I will focus on the last few days...

Moving sucks. There is no other way to describe it. There can be a move that is better than another, but it is never fun or a "good time". It is never something we long to do when you haven't done it in a while.

"Hey, what should we do on our vacation?"

"I don't know, how about something really fun, like moving?"

"Yah, we haven't done that in a while, it will be so much fun"

At 3:30 I was told to lay on the couch with my arm up. People were suppose to come and help us move at 4:30. I broke down. I was overwhelmed by the task that lie ahead. I was feeling defeated that I felt like God was allowing us to cope with the enormity of things that I didn't think I could handle it. My mom was there (she was leaving to bring the kids to my sister's house for the duration of our move) and she saw me hit my wall. She teared up as I cried and wondered how we would move everything. I felt alone, defeated and worried.

Then God showed up....

He showed up in the form of our church members. He showed up in the form of our real estate agent (equipped with truck). He showed up in the form of more than a dozen teenagers (some quite strong). He showed up with free subs from a dear member of our church who runs a local sub shop, more than enough to feed everyone ---Here is my free advertising for JIMMY JOHN'S SUBS, buy them, they are good--- He showed up in having a task done in 2 hours that we were sure would take us all night. He showed up in my mom who trekked the kids a half an hour away for two days. He showed up in my sister who had 6 kids in her house for more than two days and has NOT ONCE complained to me about taking the kids in the last 7 weeks. He showed up and He showed me up. It was more than I could handle, he knew that, and He handled it.

We have an amazing church down here that has surrounded us since day one of our diagnosis. When we needed people to help us move our stuff to our apartment (not our big stuff, that was done by movers) but people to pack our kitchen, cart our clothes, etc. they showed up. Not only did we need help moving, but we found out the day of our move that our landlord of our new apartment was not going to clean our apartment before we moved in. So one of the ladies small groups went our apt. and cleaned it for us before we moved in.

Our professional movers were also amazing. For those of you who know our story of our move to Blacksburg, you know we had a nightmare move (for those of you who don't know the whole story, just know that they got to our house 6 hours late and the driver had a 40 ounce beer in hand, use your imagination for the rest) These new movers were great. A huge endorsement for CROWN MOVING out of Roanoke, VA. Very fast, very professional. They were done moving our furniture out of our house in 2 hours, we were completely done with the move at 1pm!

Last thing, a bit of exciting news in all this. I got my first "fill up" in my tissue expanders at my plastic surgeon's office on Friday. Not much, 25 cc (future ones will be about 50 cc). I am probably just barely a "A" cup (ok, maybe just a double AA--yes, guys that is smaller than an A), but the boobie seeds have been planted! Just so you know I am shooting for 450-500cc total, this will be a good "C" cup size. I can get "fill-ups" as often as once every 10 days to 2 weeks. We are moving in the right direction for once.

Well that's all for today's report. I will try an update (or have Jeff update) tomorrow after my first chemo. I am including some Disney pics and recent pics so you can see me before I lose my hair (probably sometime in the next 1-3 weeks.)

How am I doing, Really?

2006-07-27T10:00:00.000-05:00

People keep asking me, "How are you doing, Really?" I don't blame them one bit. Let's face it, we've all done it, answered that question, "fine" when we really don't believe the answer. Usually just to move on the next thing, not open up to some vunerability or because we can't be bothered with the real answer. I've done it a thousand times, so what's the real answer for me?

Well in the last few weeks its changed daily, sometimes hourly. However, since going on vacation and even (much to my surprise) since being back, I can answer honestly I am doing really well, dare I even say (insert whisper) great?

I won't say I never have my moments of fear of death, fear of chemo, fear of vomiting my way through the next 4 months, but in general I feel like I am being taken care of by the ultimate nurse, our Lord. Some of you will read that and say, "Amen, sister!" others of you will read that and say, "oh, brother, what a whack job, this cancer thing really made her nuts." Only those who have really experienced what its like to be in the midst of the storm may understand. That story of Jesus in the storm has really spoken to me in recent months. I read it in church one day. I am sure I have heard it a thousand times before, but it was different this time. It goes something like this...

Jesus is in a boat with some of his disciples. They are trying to fish, he is trying to get some shut-eye. Who knows why he is sleeping, its not like he wasn't a busy guy. Maybe he had had a lot of talks that day, maybe a lot of healings, maybe he had been traveling for days, maybe he was just exhausted from dealing with all the emotional needs and wants of others (boy, haven't we all been there at some point or other) but he was snoozin'. So then all hell brakes loose. A storm (like something out of the perfect storm) hits them like a hurricane. Here's the kicker and the part that recently got to me. JESUS IS STILL ASLEEP! I read that about 2 weeks after my diagnosis and I even wrote a note next to the margin that said, "do I feel like he is still asleep in my storm?" The disciples are in a panic that they will die. (I am in a panic that I will die) and Jesus is still asleep, why???? Here's the good news...

If I were asleep and the kids started into panic, but I knew before I fell asleep that this panic would be over nothing and that I was going to fix it just fine when I woke up and (most importantly) if I knew that no harm would come to them during whatever crisis they were experiencing, I might keep sleeping too. That's Jesus. He knew. He knew that the storm was not going to harm them, almost as trivial as when I know that my daughter's life is not going to end when she can't find a hair clip to match her outfit.

Why didn't the disciples know? I mean come on, Jesus had healed, calmed and restored endless times for all of them to see. Why didn't I know, I mean Jesus had healed me when I thought Bethany was going to be born way too soon (despite many doctors disbelief), Jesus had calmed me when I was scared about all my boyfriend break-ups, test flunkings, or disappointing someone I cared for. Jesus had restored me when I thought I would never get married, or when someone hurt me. Why didn't I know that he was sleeping in my storm, because he knew I would not be harmed?

I imagine I will struggle with that on and off for a long time. But for now, thanks to good doctors, a great network of family and friends and a true peace that can only come from the Lord, I feel like my storm may not be calm, but I can hold onto the helm and know that Jesus will come to captain the ship when it becomes too much for me to deal with.

Does that mean I won't have pain, vomiting, or heartache? No. Does that mean I won't die someday? Of course not. Does it mean that I can wake up everyday and be thankful that I even have the chance to ride out the storm? Absolutely.

So how am I doing, really? I am thankful and peaceful about the fact that I even have a seat on the boat. I feel like life can and will go on for me. I feel like I will take one Savior on board asleep and all powerful, then no savior at all. That's how I am doing, really.

Time for some comic relief...

2006-07-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

I found a great new website, called www.planetcancer.org It has great stuff for people coping with cancer including a humor section called "Cancertainment" I want the T-shirts they sell, they are so funny!!! Thought I would share some of my favorite things.

Gotta love the second opinion

2006-07-24T15:56:00.000-05:00

Today was a good doctor day.

I had my 1st appointment at 8:15 this morning in Salem (about a half hour away) and it was my second opinion with a new oncologist. I had heard that is Dr. was a Christian, but I also went into this meeting fully prepared to have to plead my case for the DD (dense dose) chemo and addition of Taxol to the AC. As described in my previous blog I had done some research on both of these items and felt hope at the results these additional treatments seem to be offering in lessening the chance of recurrence. My first oncologist said these studies had not changed the standard protocol at all and had not indicated a change in outcome. The more I thought about this, the more I realized, what he was saying is, "if you are going to get your cancer back and die from it, these things will not change that." What I realized is that though these things may not change the final outcome they do a great deal in prolonging or delaying that outcome. In the worst case scenario the cancer comes back (which I believe in my heart of hearts that it won't, but I have to at least entertain the thought) if I do the first doctor's suggestion of treatment, it could kill me in 10 years, but adding these additional things I could push that recurrence back to maybe 15 years, no one really knows. The really big thing that also matters is that no one knows how far the research and cure options will have come in 5 extra years. So yes, my options may not change my ultimate outcome with today's knowledge, but my additional aggressiveness may very well change my outcome with tomorrow's advances. If you look at pure numbers alone, if I do no additional treatment, my chance of recurrence for my age is 30%. With AC chemo alone its 20%, with the addition of Taxol its 15%, with the DD and possible later treatments it is reduced to as little as 12%. I will take those odds.

Let me digress for a moment to talk about the value of being your own best advocate for care. I walked into this dr.'s office armed with a full arsensol of current research, a full understanding of my type of cancer (THIS IS KEY, KNOW YOUR ENEMY) and a general understanding of the pros, cons, risks and side effects my options included. My Dr. laughed at me that I was the first patient he had every had that came with my own personal print out of a treatment module that is supposed to be only available to Drs. (yes, unofficially, for registration purposes, as of yesterday there is a website that now believes I am Dr. Kat Werner) However, the module I printed out was the exact same computer module that he used to determine my treatment plan. It pays, sometimes with your very life, to be your own best doctor and researcher.

All this being said, it took no convincing, this new oncologist, Dr. Fintel, agreed exactly with my treatment suggestions for exactly the reasons I decided to do them. So he is officially my new oncologist. I will start with 4 rounds of DD AC (dense dose AC) that is chemo once every two weeks, closer together than my original treatment with the same amount of chemo, (that is why it is much more intense, your body has less time to recover between hits) followed by 4 rounds of taxol or taxane. The frequency of the taxol will be decided after the AC. Getting this in DD is not as important. So at the maximum at this point we are assuming I will have 20 weeks of chemo.

Dr. Fintel also addressed to other major issues that my first Dr. had dismissed or ignored. First, Dr. Fintel insists I have an internal line or porta-cath put in. This is a temporary line (for the duration of my treatment) that is surgically implanted in my arm that ties in directly to my arteries to administer my meds. Chemo is rough on the veins and this will eliminate me losing most of my good veins in my arms as they search for a new one to use each treatment. Also, this will prevent me from having arms that look like I am a drug user for the rest of my life. This is a half day out patient procedure that he will do himself (yes, I will be knocked out for them to do it). So my start of chemo will now be determined by when they can put that in. They can start chemo as soon as the next day. I will let you know when I do.

Secondly, Dr. Fintel addressed the issue of future hysterectomy. I asked him when he recommended I do this and he responded, "Well that depends, are you done having kids yet?" I said, "what do you mean, I thought I shouldn't have any more kids because of the cancer recurrence." To which he said, "No, if you were hormone positive (estrogen and progesterone) then I would recommend against it, but since you are hormone negative not only does pregnancy not have anything to do with recurrence, but there are some recent studies that suggest pregnancy in hormone negative women after cancer has decreased their chance of recurrence." I thought he was going to have to scrap me off the floor. I had completely prepared myself for the end of my child bearing. I had rationalized through it, tried to convince myself that it was for the best and tried not to think about it. Now, he was telling me we could think about it as a someday possibility again. Obviously this is a discussion for another time, and won't be considered until 2-3 years after treatment, but even the hope of the possibility gives me warm fuzzies again. I said to Jeff just last night that it was the one thing I was most sad about losing in all this, and I couldn't help but look around our family and feel like someone is still missing. He said on my last kid, during my last C-section, just ask my OB to do a full hysterectomy and I would be done with it.

Now you can see why it was a good Doctor day.

love
Kat

Back from Disney World

2006-07-23T17:23:00.000-05:00

Greetings all my wonderful friends and family. Your encouragement, emails, comments and words of love have really fueled me the last few weeks, thank you so much. I thought about many of you and your out-pouring of love while we were on vacation. I have quickly learned it is much more fun to focus on the love and blessings rather than the fear and doubt.

We returned late on Friday night. We decided to drive straight home since we didn't want to have to do another day of driving and spend a night in a hotel. We learned on our trip down to Disney that Liam has now learned how to quickly climb out of his pack 'n play, making him impossible to contain from running around if and when he decides to get up for the morning (or in the middle of the night for that matter)

As I posted earlier, we had an amazing time at Disney. Though I was ready to sleep in my own bed, use my own shower and lay on my own couch, I was a little heavy hearted about coming home. Jeff was ready to be back, I knew that as soon as I walked into the house I would have to start dealing with cancer "stuff" again. I unpacked, seeing all my notes, pamphlets, special bras and bandages laying about. In Disney World, I didn't have to think about that stuff. I didn't have to take meds, only had to change a "steristrip" (a small tape that runs along my incision) once a day and was in general in very little pain. I found myself tired at the end of the day, but after a full day in 100 degree humid weather, walking around all day, who wouldn't be?

First thing tomorrow morning, the doctors appointments begin again. I am sick of the doctors. I know they wouldn't take it personally to tell them that. I haven't actually counted, but I think I have been to 25-30 doctors appointments/tests since this all began. I have had at least 10 hospital tests, and two surgical procedures. I have only just begun. Tomorrow I meet with a second oncologist for a second opinion (more on that in a little bit), my general surgeon for a follow up to my surgery, and an ob/gyn for a full check up "down there" before the ravages of chemo hit me. I will also be discussing with them my future for prophylactic oopherectomy (removing my ovaries) vs. Hysterectomy. Tuesday I have a bone scan and numerous CT scans.

I have already had a heart scan to make sure my heart can handle the chemo. Its funny, I said to the tech as she was wheeling me into the machine, "Isn't this a little bit like the doctor's physical they give a boxer right before he gets the heck beat out of him?" Just making sure I am healthy enough to get the heck beat out of me. :)

Friday, I have an appointment for my first "fill up." This means I will go to the plastic surgeon and they will begin adding about 50 cc of saline to each of my tissue expanders, the purpose being to grow enough skin for my eventual implants. They will do this process every 2 weeks or so until I have reached the desired size (on average about 400 cc of fluid) I have also asked my sister to come with me before this appointment to a special wig store so I can be fitted for and pick out my wig of choice. On average most women lose their hair about 14 days after their first chemo treatment, so I want to have one on hand for when that happens.

Now on to the chemo question. I have been researching my little brown eyes out. Thank God for the internet, I can't imagine having access to this kind of research even 10 years ago. What I have learned is that even though I am "node negative" if my tumor were just slightly bigger (2.0 cm instead of 1.8 cm) I would be considered stage 2 breast cancer. This matters to me because at stage 2, my chemo treatment would be more aggressive and more frequent. Given my age and family history I had already opted to be as aggressive as possible. Well, there is two recent studies that impact me on this. First, there is evidence to suggest that having chemo in "dose dense" (every 2 weeks instead of every 3 weeks) has provided some significant strides in early research to indicate it has lessened the chance of recurrence. This research is only about 5 years old, but has already indicated an average of 42 % better results. The second study that affects me is the decrease (about 8%) in recurrence of cancer in women who have 4 rounds of AC chemo and 4 rounds of Taxol type chemo. Well this all seems like great news, Kat, go for it right? Here's the rub...neither of these things are considered protocol for treatment yet. In otherwords, its not the default of what oncologists are doing now to treat my cancer. Usually it takes a little bit more time in research and evidence before something will be switched to the new protocol.

Here's where my battle begins...I have a second opinion tomorrow and I would like to put on the table a proposition for me to do the "dose dense 4 rounds of AC and 4 rounds of Taxol". I have already talked to my first oncologist about the additional chemo of taxol and he was not in favor of the idea, since it is not "protocol" yet. This is where the value of numerous opinions comes in. I will probably say this a thousand times, but if you ever have a major medical problem ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION!!! I have already learned that with my surgeons, it is so important. I need to discern if I want to continue to push for this very aggressive form of chemo. I have no delusions that it will be easy or fun, but I don't want to wonder if I should have pushed harder many years from now. So for today, and tomorrow that is my prayer request. That I will either find favor with the new oncologist for this more aggressive chemo, or that I will find peace in the decision that the less aggressive chemo is more than enough for my cancer (after all its already gone and the "you are not welcome here" sign is on the door).

I will post pics from our trip in coming days. Thank you a thousand times for your prayers, we felt them from day one and in every detail. I will share more about the "God sightings" we had on this trip later.

love
Kat

The Princesses are real!

2006-07-13T12:58:00.000-05:00

Greetings from Disney World! We have been here 6 days now and we are having an amazing time with Mickey Mouse and all his pals. My prayer that this would be an amazing vacation with little thought of cancer has been answered. The first day we entered the park, Saturday July 8th, was also Jeff's birthday. We had a 10 am appointment to meet the princesses at Cinderella's castle for a morning brunch. (an appointment that took me 6 months to get, not an easy ticket) and something I could claim was for Bethany's sake, but the truth is, I have always wanted to eat at Cinderella's castle. From the moment we entered the Magic Kingdom, my heart was overwhelmed with the intensity of all we have experienced. July 8th, just a quick 1 month ago I was diagnsosed with the beast that would change my life forever. 12 hours, 4 weeks, 2 breasts and uncountable tears ago, I was a different woman than the one that made the plans to be in Disney World at this moment 14 months ago. I could not have known when I made these plans, how important this place and time would become and the enormity of it all hit me from the moment I saw that castle. God knew. He knew that on July 8th, 2006 we would need the healing p0wer of being a kid again, family time together and the excitement of the new future that lies ahead. God knew that the timing, his timing, would be so perfect that my healing would be just enough to get me to this place. God knew that my kids smiles and my husbands knowing looks would mean immeasurably more to me on this day, then any other thing in the whole world.

Jeff and I took turns crying this first day. It was the simple things like characters singing songs in the streets, or the look on Bethany's face when she saw Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Belle for the first time. But the culmination came when we saw the most amazing fireworks over Cinderella's castle that night. I found it so prophetic that the display is entitled "wishes" and boy was it true. Jeff and I both fought off the tears the whole time we were there and I knew God was there in our midst.

One of the highlights of that morning was when Bethany leaned over to us at the Breakfast and said, "Mommy, I can't believe it, the princesses are REAL!" Even Liam was excited about this princesses, after all he looks up to his big sister quite a bit, and whatever she loves, he loves.

Our time here has been truly blessed. WE usually go to the parks in the morning, come home to nap (yes, me too, I am not over doing it so don't you all worry) and then we return to the parks in the evening.) So far we have had perfect timing ducking in and out of the parks to avoid rain storms. We are avid sunscreen users and firm believers in using the "fast pass" (this is Disney's brilliant way of having to avoid ever really waiting in line.)

Later today Jeff's family will join us. As I write this, Walt, Jeff's dad is at the doctor receiving the full report on all his tests. WE are praying for good news, and a simple treatment. I will try to update you all in days to come about his diagnosis. We know this will set the tone for the rest of our trip and we are trying to continually focus on life and hope.

In the midst of all of this, the Lord has given me two words that I think about first thing every morning and ring like a chorus in my brain throughout the day, "Live graciously" I think about that as we encounter crowds at the park. I think about it with the kids when they are tired and cranky and I think about it in my thoughts and attitudes. I am almost ashamed to admit that it took cancer to make me think about this so much, but the reality is, that's exactly what it took. I hope that at the very least these words are who I will become and strive to shape my life to be. This is the Lord's life that I am allowed to borrow for a while, not mine, and boy am I glad that he has allowed me to ride along through the journey.

Thank you for your continued prayers, I feel them, I really do.

Please forgive me for not spell checking or grammar checking this blog. I type fast and I am paying for this internet access by the minute.

Love, Kat

Took a couple days off

2006-07-03T18:21:00.000-05:00

I decided I couldn't talk about life for a few days. Since the majority of life now a days has something to do with Cancer I feel like some days I just want a break from my own life. Thursday we leave for Disney World. I can't think of any where else on this earth I would rather be. I was excited a year ago when we started planning this trip, now I am over the moon about it. I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas. I want to experience the healing power of Mickey Mouse and the "Magic Kingdom".

I have had an ongoing dialogue with God about all this since day one. Some days its pleading, some days its frustration, some days its the desperation to experience His peace. The last few days has been a seeking of discernment of the next decisions I have ahead. As funny as it may seem to some, the decision to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction was not difficult for me. Though it was offered, I didn't even consider the lumpectomy. 90% of that is the mental feeling that my breasts were some diseased part of me that I had to be rid of, combined with the feeling that if I could even buy 1-2% odds in my favor that the cancer would not return, I would take it. The next decision in this journey is a little more complicated.

Enter Chemo....I knew I would have chemo all along. It is an age thing and the type of cancer they found. If I were a 65 year old with the same diagnosis, I may have been fine with the surgery. But, at 31, all parties agree that I have a 30% chance that cancer could return in my body in my lifetime, so chemo is a must.

Chemo is not black or white, there are many shades of grey. I assumed I would just opt for the most aggressive option on all fronts and though it would suck for 6 months as I was going through it, it would help me fight better. Well, I am learning it is not that cut and dry. I am offered AC for 4 cycles (21 days apart), or TC for 4 cycles (similar to AC with perhaps less drain on your heart, but may not be quite as aggressive, they just don't know the long term implications) or if I get picked for the magic formula in the randomized study I could get 6 rounds of FEC. This is believed to be the most aggressive of these three options, but again they just don't know 10, 15, 20 years if it is, that's the point of the study. This is the standard of treatment in Europe, so I know its at least as aggressive and I like the possibility it could be more so, even though I will have to endure 2 additional chemo treatments. However, I have no control over whether I get this or AC, its all decided by a computer somewhere. Lastly, there are some people who believe you should be really aggressive and have 4 rounds of AC and 4 rounds of Taxol after. The problem with this is that it is much tougher on your body, heart and long term wear and tear. There is no evidence that supports the idea that adding taxol to your treatment will change your eventual outcome in the longterm. They have had great results with it with people who have positive lymph nodes (which thankfully I do not), but they have no indication that it makes any difference in node negative patients. There is of course that nagging feeling that maybe one extra drug will make the difference someday. I just don't know, and will never know if that one drug made a difference or not.

I have learned A TON about the chemicals involved in chemo in the last few days. I thank my William & Mary degree for teaching me the value of detailed research. Who knew this liberal arts major would someday wish she had taken more science classes.

On the spiritual side of things, I HAVE to believe that the Lord will not allow me to pursue the option that he has not perfectly laid out for me. I can't exist outside of what he knows is already going to happen. I pray that he will make my decision on this abundantly clear and since He already did that with my surgery, I know it is possible. I have decided to "throw out my fleece" (for those of you who are not sure about that term, I have used it before, but I will let you pursue the Bible, look for Gideon, follow his life story, you will get it.) I have decided to enter the study and hope for the FEC. I honestly believe that God is leading me in this direction. If I am not chosen for the FEC, I can continue with AC or pull out of the study and seek other options. I also have a second opinion scheduled with a Christian Oncologist at the end of July. I am hoping he will shed light on what I have already received consule about.

As a funny side not to all this, we are getting ready for Disney World. As part of that process I have to buy a new swim suit, since none of my old ones that have "built in bras" will work with my current flat-chested silhouette. I can hear a big "Amen" from all my sisters in life out there who know that swim suit shopping is annoying enough, without having to account for covering large scars and finding something without a built in bra. Wish me luck as I continue this pursuit. I am determined to swim while we are in Florida.

Please keep praying for my heart as I let the fear creep in sometimes. I want to feel the Lord's fresh blessings new every morning and not awake to uncertainty and fear of what my future holds. Please pray that my chemo decision would be made for me, by all other options being dismissed. Please pray that our family has the most amazing vacation that restarts our lives of freedom from fear and worry. --Kat

Not setting off metal detectors anymore

2006-06-30T17:09:00.000-05:00

Today I had two doctors appointments. I met with the oncologist today. This was very important on many fronts. It was the first time Jeff got to meet Dr. McCoy. He is a gentle man with a great bedside manner. He talks in a soft tone and seems very loving and caring. Personally, I think he has one of the crappiest jobs in the world, but he is necessary and I'm glad he does what he does.

Here's the thing about the oncologists office. Unlike the other Drs. I have dealt with in this process there is really no good reason to go to an oncologist. I have been to surgeon's offices before as follow up from a birth or to have a mole removed. There is a hundred rather minor reasons to go the surgeon's office, it doesn't have to be that traumatic. Then there is the plastic surgeon's office. There is almost more good reasons to be in his office then bad. In the waiting room you see pamphlets for botox, boob enhancements, tummy tucks, and permanent make-up (I have since learned that is where they actually tattoo make-up, like eye liner, on so that it is permanent). However, as soon as you walk into the "Blue Ridge Cancer Center" i.e. the oncologists office, you know there is no good reason to be there. It gives me a pit in my stomach both times I've been in there. It is just a necessary evil in all this.

Having said all that, I got great news today. Some not great parts mixed in, but all stuff we can deal with. First, I am officially now considered a Stage 1 breast cancer patient. There is one better stage, stage 0, but I would have never been considered that because that is reserved for people who have a cancer that never goes outside the duct. Sometimes this is considered a "precancer". So I will take Stage 1. I am in this category because my tumor was less than 2 cm (officially considered 1.8 cm, because that is the measurement of the largest part) and my lymph nodes are negative. My cancer is progesterone and estrogen negative. This is bad, but not surprising. Almost all premenopausal women are negative for these hormones with their cancer. This matters because it means I will not benefit from long term medications that help deter cancer, like Tamoxifin. My HER rating is still undetermined. It came back negative on the surface, but he has ordered some additional tests on this to confirm this finding. We want this to be negative, because positive just increases my chances of reoccurrance. They also determined that my histological grade is 9 out of 9. This means that the tumor/cancer they removed is the most aggressive kind on all levels (very happy we found this when we did, or chances are it would have spread quickly).

This means that I will still do chemotherapy (which all parties had fully warned me of, so I am not surprised about) but it also means I will only have to do one type of chemo. As of now I am scheduled to do 4 rounds of AC chemo. (If you care to know more details of chemical names feel free to look it up online, I won't bore you with the details here.) Or there is a possibility if I qualify for a research study I will do 6 rounds of FED. A "round" means one treatment every 21 days. Why would I opt for the longer treatment? Being in a study means that you get equal to or GREATER treatment. In other words it would be at least as affective as the default treatment, but it might possibly be better. Also, being in a study allows you to be followed more closely for years to come. This would provide a little tighter screening for my future. I will know if I qualify for the study in the next few days. In either case I am scheduled for my first chemo on Thursday, August 3rd at 10 am. I have been told that chemo of this day and age is much better than chemo of even 10 years ago. Only 10% of patients experience some kind of nausea and they have great drugs for all that now. One of them is one that costs $100 a pill. We are hoping our insurance covers that, because we are told many do not. I was told that other than that I should expect a tired feeling 7-10 days after treatment because that is when your white blood cells tend to dip and you lose some of your "spunk." I am told that after 1 or 2 treatments, these cycles become quite predictable and you can begin to make plans around them.

Will I lose my hair? Almost definitely, yes. I know you probably know people who have not lost their hair during chemo, but with this drug and this type of chemo that fights specifically breast cancer, it is pretty much a guarantee. Dr. McCoy said, "I can't promise everything, but I can promise you will lose your hair." I'm bummed, but have already began to face that reality, so I will just have to decide if I am a wig, scarf, hat or bald kind of girl. Everyone embraces it differently. Here is the funny thing...your insurance covers the cost of a wig. He sent me home with a prescription for a "Cranial prosthetic" Yah, no kidding, that's what the prescription says.

The timing is good. They are encouraging our trip to go to Disney World (July 6-21) and allowing us to move into our new apartment (barely, we move in August 2nd) but I will take it.

They showed us around the chemo room and told me each of my treatments will be about 2 hours. I would love to set up some chemo buddies to come play games with me during that time if anyone is interested.

My second appointment was with my plastic surgeon. He removed all of my staples, YIPPEEE! So I am in no danger of setting off metal detectors any more. He said I am healing pretty nicely. The only problem spot is at the site of where they injected the dye for my biopsy. It is starting to form a pinkish spot which may indicate some of the tissue under the skin is dying. (Die as in death, not dye as in color) This is not good, but can be dealt with if it happens. Dealing with it involves cutting open the incision there, so you can imagine we want it to just get better. We are in a wait and see mode on that, but he is not majorly concerned. This is something that happens as a side affect to the dye they use and it is pretty much unavoidable.

For those of you who are curious about Jeff's dad's situation. He had tests this week and we will not know his course of treatment until at least next week. In the meantime, maybe we can encourage him to start his own blog. He has a great wit, I imagine his blog could be fun and inspiring.

Princess for a day

2006-06-30T16:24:00.000-05:00

I did something yesterday I don't think I have ever done. I played with my daughter. I don't mean I have never played with my kids, but yesterday I threw caution to the wind and all day we spent chunks of time playing pretend. We pretended that Sleep Beauty was the guest of honor at a surprise party in her honor and we were getting ready for it all day. We drew pretend food. We laid a blanket on the floor and had a pretend fishing trip. We set a table for all the guests (all the other princesses of course.) We tried to have prince Eric help out (Liam) but he was not cooperating, so we quickly decided it was a girls' only party. By the end of the day we had planned quite an affair with pretend lemonade, pretend cake and pretend presents. After Liam went to bed we had the official "party". I wish you could see the look on Bethany's face when all the pretend guests showed up and we took turns serving them "food." It was the biggest smile I have EVER seen from her (christmas included) and it made we wonder why it takes something like cancer to make me start living. Why is it that we let life get in the way of living? I have had deep emotional thoughts as of late about what I am living for and why I am here on this earth. One of the first things on that list is my kids. I want to make more of this opportunities to throw caution to the wind and just be a princess once in a while. I will remember that day forever. I can't imagine real royalty would have felt any better than a mother and daughter eating "lego" cake and paper lemondade. It was the most delicious I have ever tasted.

Heavy Hearts

2006-06-28T09:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a good day for us in the beginning. We got a good report from my pathology report. I won't know the details of the hormone status, etc. until the full report comes out later, but the two biggest things I found out yesterday were great. The nodes were benign or clear for cancer and I have "clear margins" on the tumor. This means the Dr. was able to cut completely around it and there are no spidery roots or small pieces traveling out. This is also good because it means he didn't have to cut into the tumor at all in order to get it out. This helps with the likelihood of spreading, because anytime you have to cut into a tumor you risk the chance of small cells getting lose and spreading into the bloods stream. It turns out the tumor was less than 2 cm, in all it is about the size of an almond. We got home at 3:00 pm and felt like it was a good day. We even made the comment that it was the best day we had had in a while.

At 4:00 pm we received a call from Jeff's parents. Yesterday, Jeff's dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. We both felt like we had been punched in the stomach all over again. Can this really be happening to our family all over again? The all too familiar chorus of telling each other that more tests were needed and this could be fought was ringing through the house. I jumped on the web (on some of the same great sites I had become all too familiar with) and began facing down the new beast that invaded our family. I am a firm believer in being informed on the evils we face, like cancer. What's the expression, "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?"

Its the first time in all of this I have been mad at God. I know he doesn't promise us smooth waters in life. All you gotta do is look at Job, Jonah, or Paul in the Bible to realize this. But I feel like we have barely come up for air before another wave hits. I hate that I have to decide how much of this I can take on emotionally in order to preserve my own health, it makes me hurt just thinking about the choice.

I hurt for those of you who are being hit by a double whammy. There are many of you reading this who know both of us dearly. I just ask that you pray twice the prayers in coming months. I guess it will be easy to add another name to the same types of prayers you are giving for us. Jeff's dad's name is, Walt, for those of you who would like to add him to your lists. He is a wonderfully caring man, and I know from previous health issues, that he won't complain a bit and we won't know he's in pain, even if he is. If my husband continues to grow in his father's image I will consider myself wonderfully blessed. Jeff has grown up with a a true man as a father, who I know will confront this cancer with the same grace and perserverance he has with all areas of his life. I could only aspire to do the same.

As for the humor side of things. (there has to be for us even in the darkest moments, or we would sit around and feel sorry for ourselves way too much) We told Walt that even though he knew I was cool, the whole "trying to be like Kat" was being taken way too far, and in fact it is not cool to get cancer just because Kat has made cancer cool. We also told him we would purchase him his very own, "Cancer Sucks" t-shirt, but in blue, not pink.

No nodes, is good nodes

2006-06-27T09:38:00.000-05:00

I know cheesy titles, I just can't resist. I don't have the full pathology report (I will get that when I go to the Dr. today to have my drains removed.) but the nurse called with the most important information. ALL NODES ARE NEGATIVE!!! Of the two nodes they had to remove with my surgery both came back negative for cancer. This is huge news and a great big PRAISE THE LORD! I will let you all know about the details of the other stuff like hormone receptors, HER, tumor size, margins, etc. when I get the full report. I have described these things in any early post if you are curious. Until then keep praying, Cancer had the first round, but I have the second and third rounds and Cancer is huddling in the corner without much strength left. He is going down!!!

Tighter hugs from a "Cinderella Girl"

2006-06-25T13:36:00.000-05:00

Last night Jeff and I watched the movie, "Cinderella Man" Man, what a great movie. I must admit I am not a very big fan of the whole concept of boxing, it just is not a very intelligent sport to me. I do like the analogy it gives me in the fight against Cancer (see my earlier blogs). I am a big fan of the underdog sports movie, and this is a good one. I won't spoil it for all of you who haven't seen it, but basically it is a true story of a depression era boxer who must overcome great odds to achieve greatness. I felt like I was in the story. Everytime they had a boxing scene, I found myself yelling at the the screen, "TAKE THAT CANCER!", "YOU WANT SOME MORE? HOW 'BOUT THIS, WHAM!" Jeff was laughing at me, but I must say it was quite cathartic. I would highly recommend the flick to those of you who haven't seen it yet. The last half of the movie is my journey through chemo. I'm going to consider myself Cinderella Girl for a while.

I have learned a nice little side effect of not having breasts for a while. You get to hug people closer. Now that I am not in much pain, I can hug again. Everytime Jeff hugs me, I keep telling him he can squeeze harder, and it is strange because I can hug him tighter than ever before. It is a simple blessing in the midst of all this that I quite enjoy.

Today, I am feeling pretty good. I have very little pain. I have made the transition from narcotics to simple over-the-counter tylenol. It makes me feel better not to feel doped up all the time. I feel like I have a tight rope tied around my chest, similar to the feeling you get when you have a chest cold, almost like I am on the verge of a cough all the time. Once I can get the sleeping thing down, I will be golden. I still have to sleep on my back, and since I am not a "back-sleeper" I wake up with a knot in the back. I think once all my staples are removed this problem will be resolved. The good news is that I am not having to wake up Jeff in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed, I have been able to get myself up by myself the last two nights. This is a simple thing that gives me more of my independence back. The only odd thing about all this is that I am experiencing "phantom breast pain." I had heard about this, like people who have an itch in a leg that haven't had for years, and it is true. Occassionally, I will reach to scratch an itch on a breast that doesn't exist anymore. I have a constant feeling like I am breast-feeding. (I know that sounds really odd, but to those women who have breast fed, you will know the exact feeling I am talking about.) I wonder if this is a post-surgery thing, or if I will always have these sensations.

(warning: the following paragraph is a little yucky) I have two drains left. Though they are not painful in anyway that are about as gross as you might imagine. I have two small holes in my chest that have clear tubes coming out of them. At the end of about 18 inches of tubing is two clear egg-shaped clear bulbs that "stuff" drains into. The sad part is that all this stuff is clear, so you get to see it. why they need to do this, I am not sure. The funny thing is that one is always blue (the left side where the tumor was) because it is still draining the blue dye leftover from my sentinal node biopsy. I get the pleasure of measuring and dumping the contents of the drains several times a day. I had 4 at the beginning. 2 were taken out on friday and the other 2 will come out on tuesday. As I am sure you can imagine, I am quite anxious for their removal.

As far as my environment, we are doing great. We have an amazing church family that has been blessed with awesome cooks. We have yet to receive a meal that we don't like, it makes me want to milk the cancer thing as long as possible. At this rate I will make up for the lost stress weight in no time. :)

Though I would not wish cancer on anyone, I wish everyone could experience the love and blessings we have in the last 2 weeks. I have friends I haven't spoken to in years offering to drop everything and come stay with us. I have gifts, meals and flowers coming from people I barely know and people who have a permanent home in my heart from different milestones in my life. I imagine this is how if feels to have your "15 minutes of fame", I just love hearing from people. Please keep your notes and emails coming. Especially as I enter the chemo phase, I know we will need the daily encouragement. It really feeds my soul.

I think all the work of having to be two parents and two adults is taking its toll on my dear hubby, though he would never let on to it. He has been amazingly gracious and a true definition of what it means to stick to the vows, "in sickness and in health." I keep telling Bethany when she grows up she needs to pick a man just like her daddy and she will be just fine. Please send him your humor and wishes as he continues to do the job of two people. He is truly a vessel for God's joy and strength at this time. His sense of humor keeps me up. When he first saw my "new chest" in the doctor's office, he looked straight at my face and said, "you're beautiful" and the crazy thing is, I know he meant it.

That's all from the Werner-front today. We are hoping to get the full pathology report tomorrow. I will keep you up to date with definitions and explanations. On friday I have my first oncologist's visit, though he is a nice dr., it is not a visit I am looking forward to. Keep praying, it sure works. -- Kat

I'm back, did you miss me?

2006-06-23T20:57:00.000-05:00

To all my faithful prayer warriors out there, I thank God for you a thousand times over. I can't believe it has only been 48 hours since my surgery, and even crazier to me that it has only been 2 weeks from today that I got my cancer diagnosis. I wanted to take a few minutes to share with you all about some "God sightings" I have had in the last few days as I go through this journey.

I have had 2 c-sections (one under general anesthesia, one with a a spinal). So I had experienced anesthesia and its nasty side effects in the past. I was least looking forward to the constant vomiting that comes as soon as you wake up from surgery. The first person I spoke to the morning of the surgery was the anethesiologist and I shared with her my concerns. She promised me that she had 4 different meds to combat nausea and instead of using one or two, she would give me all 4. I fully expected to wake up from my surgery with a vomit or two, but in 48 hours and counting I have not thrown up once. This is a big deal for me, because I personally find the nausea much harder to deal with the the pain. Also, the last thing my chest needed after being torn apart, was frequent heaving. This is a huge praise for me, thanks God.

The morning of my surgery I was anxious, to say the least. My dear sister, Lara, woke up and came to the hospital to pray with Jeff and I. My kindred spirit, Pamela, called me on my way the hospital to pray with us. This was the first time I allowed myself to even think about the surgery itself. I had been so focused on the cancer and its repercussions, that I hadn't really thought about the surgery itself. I realized it was going to suck, but that I was going to be OK. I said goodbye to Jeff and Lara in the pre-op area and the wheeled me into the presurgery "holding" area. This area was a surreal place. It is a giant room with people "parked" in spaces all waiting for their respective surgeons to come and wheel them into their respective room. The only thing separating all of us was curtains, but most of them weren't closed at all. Of a room of about 15 patients, there was only one other person in the room even close to my age. She and my eyes met and we smiled. I don't know what her surgery was, but I have a distinct feeling she was feeling the same way I was at that moment. The anethesiologist came and spoke to me. Then the surgical nurse came and spoke to me. I remember her because her name was Charlotte and we had a discussion about the remake of "Charlotte's Web". Last, my surgeon Dr. Williams came in. He briefly explained to me what his part of th surgery was going to entail. He also explained to me about the sentinal node biopsy, where the inject dye into my tumor and track where it goes. I had assumed that you didn't want to it go anywhere, but he explained that we wanted to see it go to at least a few nodes, otherwise we would have to remove dozens of them to attempt a roulette game in figuring out where or how the cancer could have spread. He said, "in a perfect world you will have more than zero, but less than 4." In my world I had 2. He asked if he could pray over me, "um, heck yah!" and Charlotte joined in with excitement. I realized that I was going to be surrounded in brothers and sisters in Christ in my surgery. My last prayer was that God would cut out the fear in my hear along with the cancer. That was the last thing I remember.

I woke up in the recovery room in complete peace. For those of you who have ever had surgery you know that this in itself is a miracle. You are disoriented, groggy, in pain and general freaked out. When I woke up from my first C-section, Jeff was in the room with me and he said I was a mess. I cried, I was disoriented I was speaking gibberish, and I was throwing up. None of that with this surgery. Now here's the major God part, I knew the cancer was gone. None of the nurses that were caring for me were in my surgery, so none of them knew the status of my tumor or nodes. I didn't need to know, God gave me THAT peace. You know the mythical one that he talks about in scripture, the one that "transcends all understanding", yep that's the one. I don't remember another moment in my life having ever experienced THE peace the he describes, but I know he was there with me that day. I really do feel like he cut out the fear with my tumor, it is almost unbelievable had I not experienced it.

When Jeff saw me as they wheeled me into my room he said I was beaming, smiling and laughing. He assumed they had told me the good news of my surgery. It had been an hour and a half since my surgery, and I still didn't know. After a few minutes of talking, he shared with me about the 2 nodes and the fact that the doctor didn't see the tumor. He was shocked that I was in such a good mood even though I was in lots of pain and didn't know the good news.

Nowadays when you have surgery they usually give you this little morphine button to self-control your own pain meds. I have learned from my c-sections that believe it or not, the less you press the button, the better. Morphine makes me feel sick and for me the pain is easier than the yuck feeling, so I opted for very little pain meds while I was in the hospital. I was given the options of vicatin, percaset or tylenol with codeine. I opted for the least, tylenol. My surgeon thought I was nuts, but it has the least side affects and I have had the best results with it from previous use. I am very glad even as I write this, that I made that decision.

My night "sleeping" in the hospital was necessary, but difficult. I had these boots on all night that compress your feel all night at frequent intervals to prevent blood clotting. I also had on the world's worst thigh high pantyhose (same purpose). In addition to all this fun, I had to sleep with my head elevated and every hour they came in to my room to take my temp, blood pressure and empty my drains (more on the fun of drains later). I also had the pleasure of having someone monitor and measure my hourly urination. (Yah, I know, your jealous, why does Kat get all the fun?) I overheard an older man in the hallway saying, "now I know why they call it the 'rest home' because at least there they let me sleep." There were some people who were shocked to hear I wanted to leave the hospital after 24 hours, but I would not have any sleep had I stayed there any longer.

I had wonderful nurses and doctors. Let me say as a side note, if you ever have to spend time in the hospital just remember that the nurses have a job to serve you, but they also have a heart. I have learned that you respect your caretakers and they will respect you. I went above and beyond to be kind. Not because I think I am better than anyone, but because I know you don't want to bite the hand that feeds you, or in this case, the hand that sticks a needle in you. A special thanks goes out to Ken, a special nurse who searched the hospital at midnight for me to find two containers of chocolate ice cream. Ken, you are my hero.

We left the hospital and went straight to the plastic surgeons office. This was a big deal, because this would be the first time Jeff and I saw what remains of my chest. I know this should have been a much bigger deal. I know I should be mourning the loss of "my girls" (the surgeon's words, not mine) but the fact is, I'm over it. Bring on the silicone implants. I think part of it is exhaustion mixed with raw pain, but I also know that it is the reality that what I see on my chest right now is not the end product. It is not, "I have breasts, therefore I am." (thank God for that) I will not have to plow through life with dozens of staples lined up across my chest (for the record staples are uglier than stitches, you can't help but feel like frankenstein). I also have these four tubes running out from my sides that drain excess fluid into these egg shaped clear bulbs. It is gross, but not as bad as I thought, because a lot of it is blue since it is draining the leftover blue dye from my biopsy. After checking out the damage done, they wrapped me back up, gave Jeff fun instructions on how to care for me and "my drains" and sent us on our way. Today we went back and had 2 drains removed. I have 2 left for the weekend fun.

As of this moment, I am tired, stiff, but overall feeling well, all things considered. I feel a lot like I did in high school when I use to lift weights for softball. Every couple weeks the trainer would add weight to our bench press and we would feel sore and stiff for a few days after. That is very similar to how I feel now. I am anxious to get the last drains out (Tuesday) and staples (next week) because I can't sleep on my side with them (they dig in too much).

Our next big milestone will be receiving the full pathology report on both breasts and the 2 nodes. Our prayer is that there is no cancer in the nodes and "clear margins" on the tumor. This means that the tumor has a specifically defined edge and no "spider like" legs reaching out anywhere. This means in is contained to the tissue removed and much less likely to have spread anywhere.

That is all for tonight. I will update you with more tomorrow. To all of you who have sent goodies and meals to fill my stomach and soul, I am deeply thankful. (Rachel your comfort food box hit the nail on the head). Love, Kat

Kat is home (Guest blogger: Jeff)

2006-06-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

Kat came home yesterday at abut 4:00 pm. I'm sure you'll forgive us for not immediately updating the blog last night ;-)

After being discharged from the hospital at about 2:00, we went directly to the plastic surgeon for a follow up and a bandage change. He said the incisions looked great, and today we will return to see him to get a oupld of drainage tubes removed. (The tubes are sticking out of Kat's side to allow any fluid build up to safe drain out of her into these little collection thingies - that's the modeical term, of course. The tubes are not painful, but they really look weird.)

Kat is not doped up - the only pain medications she wanted was tylenol with codine. This has been adequate for the pain and she does not get the nausea that comes with other meds. She is also enjoying the rest. It's crazy that in a hospital, they wake you up every two hours to check your vitals. Anyway, there will probably be more later today...

Surgery is done, Kat's fine. (Guest blogger: Jeff)

2006-06-21T17:22:00.000-05:00

Here's the short version:

The surgery was about as good as we could have hoped for and we are very optimistic! Kat is feeling good!

The long version:

During the surgery, Dr. Williams used a relatively new technology (3 or 4 years old) that injected blue dye and radioactive material into her breast at the area of the tumor. The doctor watched where the dye went and tracked it with a geigercounter and found that only two lymph nodes were connected. These two lymph nodes were removed and will be tested for cancerous cells. The great news here is that according to the doctor, any less than four is considered good news - the less nodes connected, the less likely the cancer spread. However, getting zero nodes is also bad, because then the doctor would take out 20 nodes as a safety. So 1 or 2 is ideal.

Also, these nodes are not necessarily cancerous - this is important to remember. We will be waiting for the pathology report to come back over the next 3-7 days to tell us. We are praying for negative results, which would make it even more unlikely the cancer spread.

Now for the tumor itself. The doctor never saw it because when he did the mastectomy, the tumor was contained inside. This is also great news because we did not want the local tumor to have spidered past the breast tissue into the muscle and chest. I imagine they will analyze the tumor at a later date.

Kat is recovering and does not even feel nausea. She will be in the hospital overnight and may come home tomorrow (I better go start cleaning...)

Many people have asked for the hospital address to send flowers. She will likely miss any delivery, so you may want to send something on Friday to our home address:

2689 Blossom Trail East, Blacksburg, VA 24060

Thanks everyone for the support. Hopefully the next entry will be Kat's, and you know it'll be a good read.

God is in the details...

2006-06-20T17:27:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have asked...

My surgery is scheduled for 7:30, it will last about 2 hours for the mastectomy, and 2 hours for the reconstruction. I will be in recovery for an hour so, all said and done, it should be about 6 hours.

I will be in the hospital for 24-48 hours depending on my recovery and pain management. I know this seems short, but believe it or not your chance for infection actually increases the longer you stay in the hospital.

Yes, I will have a private room.

No, I will frankly not be up for visitors that are not family.

Yes, Jeff will let you know when I am coming home.

How to Lose 10 pounds in 10 days

2006-06-20T14:58:00.000-05:00

I've got a new diet for you. I am pretty sure none of the celebs are willing trying it, and I would not recommend it. It was a diet that found me, I didn't look for it. I like to call it the "Diagnosed with Breast Cancer Diet." Step one....try to lose weight by doing all the right things like exercise and diet after you have two kids. Step two....resign yourself to your permanent post baby weight and embrace the new you. Step three...get a nasty phone call that brings your life to a screeching halt, telling you have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Step four...be so sick to your stomach that you can't imagine putting any fattenting food in your mouth for fear that it will "feed" the cancer. Step five...go to the doctor the day before your surgery and find out you've lost 10 pounds in 10 days since diagnosis.

I know some of you may not appreciate by dry sense of humor, but it helps me cope. Yes, I have been eating, I just frankly have very little appetite and have to remind myself to feed when meal time rolls around. I am not that concerned about it, as I hear that you gain weight when chemo rolls around.

So today is the last day before my big surgery tomorrow. I remember the last two times I entered the hospital, I was excited that despite coming into the hospital to "go under the knife" I got to come out with a prize in the end, my two kids. All the pain seemed just a minor nuisance to getting my kids into the world. I don't feel like that with this one. Though I am trying to convince myself I am just getting a boob-job tomorrow, the voice of reason kicks in and reminds me that I never wanted a boob-job, and oh, by the way, I have cancer.

Today we walked into Lewis-Gale Hospital in Salem, VA for the first time. I have only been in this hospital one other time and was to visit my sister when she was having one of her kids. I felt sick the moment we walked in. It was probably not the smartest thing in the world that I had not eaten breakfast, but I would not have been hungry for it anyway. I fought the urge to vomit the whole time we were there. Jeff and I went to the hospital so I could do all my presurgery tests, blood work, xrays, etc. I signed every consent form imaginable. (I am not completely sure but somewhere in there I think I agreed to run for office) After promising my first born, donating time to the blood taker people, (they are officially called phlebotomists, which I think is such a fun word to say) and hearing about every possible side effect or danger with the surgery I was about to embark upon. (I'll admit I didn't read every line of every form, so hopefully I am not agreeing to let them perform medical experiments on me) We left.

Today, I feel heavy hearted. My heart aches to get the best possible news. My heart aches to hear all the cancer is out, the margins are clear, the lymph nodes are clear, and my uninvited guest has been kicked to the curb, with its bags sitting next to him.

I will have to be at the hospital at 5:45 am tomorrow. I will leave my house at 5:00 am. I haven't had to rise that early since my Northern VA Starbucks days (a special sentiment goes out to my dear Manassas Junction Starbucks friends that have sent me such heart-felt love. ) For those of you who don't realize it, Starbucks may be expensive, but you can receive a ton of love with each one of those lattes, I know that first hand. To my prayer warriors out there, I wish I could give you some special code to go to your local starbucks and get a coffee on me when you get up to pray tomorrow. Just know that I would be happy to send a pound of coffee to anyone who asks.

Dear Lord, I pray that your peace will meet me at the door of the hospital, that Drs. Williams & Breiner will be guided by you as the ultimate healer, that even if they can't see it, they will instinctively remove all cancer and with it all the fear in my heart. Lord, I ask that you be with my dear kindred family and friends that they would not feel anxiety, but feel your arms embrace them in the best hug ever. Lord, I pray for my kids that they may never know the fear of losing a parent too early, or the ache of a cancer in their bodies and that my life could serve as a light to those near and far that each one who knows me would know that I serve a God who knows, loves and cares for me dearly. Amen

Stay tuned tomorrow, for a special presentation from my guest blogger and world-renowned husband, Jeff. He will try to put an update up for all of you tomorrow night. Until then I am thankful for sleeping pills and pain killers. -- Kat

Family pics

2006-06-18T18:13:00.000-05:00

(I removed the pics for more server space, sorry)

Here are some pictures of all of us taken just this week. Since some of you haven't seen me in years, or haven't met my great hubbie and kids, I thought I would show them off a little.

Happy Father's Day

2006-06-18T07:26:00.000-05:00

Happy father's day to all you dad's out there. I keep thinking this is a crappy what for Jeff to celebrate father's day, but he deserves to have a great day, because he is great father.

I had another moment of panic/meltdown last night. I have come to realize that the quiet moments of life are almost my enemy right now. The worst is when I am in bed at night, or alone doing something simple, like folding laundry. I know I need to fill my heart with positive thoughts, hope and optimism. Its funny, I was describing it to Jeff last night and I feel like I am having this on-going dialogue with God that is like a job interview. I feel like I need to tell him all the reasons why He wants to keep me on this earth. I tell him all my assets and goals as well as all the ministry things I'm involved in. Like God will suddenly go, "Wow, she's right, I do need her down there longer." I know intellectually none of really deserve to be here or that we can claim that we are any more important than anyone else, but there is that side of me that is the same part in all of us that prays that "just once, God, give me an A on my test and I'll do something for you." As if God needs us for anything.

The waiting game is the worst part. I feel like the last week has been the longest week of my life. I just want to get on with my surgery. Then once I have the surgery I will have to wait 4 or 5 more days for the lab results. Then I will wait 5 more days to meet with the oncologist to develop a plan of attack. The waiting is rough. Other cancer survivors warn you about this, and boy are they right.

I have also learned a very key thing in the last two days. DO NOT READ STATS & WEB SITES! There is nothing this info can do for me and it just makes me feel like I have the exception to every stat. I want to do research on the lastest developments, but there is no way to do this without sorting through the bad news too, and it just makes me more anxious.

Today, I will try to stay busy and get out of the house, I think celebrating Jeff will be the best medicine.

Address

2006-06-17T17:11:00.000-05:00

Some people have asked for our mailing address...until August 1st it is:

2689 Blossom Trail East, Blacksburg, VA 24060

After August 1st,

212 Ellett Rd., Blacksburg, VA 24060

Battenin' down the hatches

2006-06-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

Its funny how I have been feeling the last couple of days. It is the same "nesting" feeling I got right before I gave birth to my second child, Liam (now 2) As some of you might remember, I didn't get a chance to nest with Bethany because my water broke in the middle of the night, 10 weeks early. (I know, my body isn't much for working with me sometimes) Yesterday, I was thinking of the things that need to be cleaned, or done before surgery. Jeff suprised me last night by having a babysitter come over so we could go on a real date. We had a nice time having dessert at a local restaurant and then we spent the rest of our "date" at Target and Walmart buying stuff like diapers. I did get to pick out some new jammies for the hospital, and Jeff bought a video game to play while he's waiting for my surgery. It was still as nice night out being able to go to Walmart without being screamed at by a kid wanting candy, the lasted toy or saying they have to go potty.

I had a pre-surgery appt. with my plastic surgeon yesterday. It still makes me giggle just being there. He has an amazing assistant named, Lynn, who is real down to earth and funny. The Dr. is a younger guy (I would guess mid to late 40's) who loves what he does and is definately the type of person I would picture in any Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's office. I asked about what would happen to my skin and tissue expanders if I had to have radiation (which I truly believe I won't, its only if I have more than 4 positive lymph nodes). His response, "don't worry about that, we will fix any damage done...I make beautiful breasts. " (insert giggle here) He said it was such seriousness, I pictured some french artist saying, "I make beautiful paintings"

He also said that he had been discussing my case with the general surgeon, and they both couldn't remember a time when they knew where a tumor was, but couldn't find it on the films or feel it with their hands. He said, he never had a tumor he couldn't at least feel, especially when the biopsy told him exactly where it was suppose to be. You can imagine that made me feel very good. They both seem very opimistic that they will be able to get all of it in surgery.

The other issue I have been wrestling with the last couple of days is our future of having kids. Even if I could physically have more children after surgery, drugs, hormone therapy, it is pretty much agreed that it is not a great idea. There is probably a strong likliehood that I will opt to have my ovaries removed next year since they are the next favorite growing spot for breast cancer and they feed the hormones into my body that the cancer likes.

I struggle with feelings of sadness, since we had planned on having at least 1 or 2 more kids, but I also struggle a great deal with guilt that I have two amazing kids, and I have seen first hand friends who have to climb mountains to have kids, and it makes me feel selfish. Yes, there is talk out there about freezing eggs, doing the embryo thing, etc. That is definately not for us. My dear, dear sister (who has 4 kids of her own) even said she would carry a kid for me. Again, not something I would consider, but she gets 100% bonus points for the offer. I have started thinking more in the last week about perhaps being foster parents in a few years when all the dust settles. It is something I have thought about for many years, I think by shutting down our fertility options I have the freedom to get excited about it again. I know God has given us our new house that we are building for a reason, and I can't help but think each bedroom still has some kids name on it.

my statement to breast cancer

2006-06-16T07:12:00.000-05:00

Take that Breast cancer!
Sorry if this offends any of you, but a dear friend sent it to me and it had to be posted. --Kat

Much better day

2006-06-15T18:49:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day in several days that I did not have to go to a Drs. appt. or do some kind of research. I slept well last night, for the first time in a week. I woke up this morning knowing today was going to be a better day and I was not going to let the fear creep in as it had on previous days. I met a girl on campus that I have been doing Bible Study with in recent weeks. She was one of the last major people in my life that I wanted to tell face to face. We shared about issues in our lives, she just found out she is also facing a major turning point in life related to a recent injury. We read through scripture about healing a strength and frankly for the first time in this process, it really did give me healing and strength.

I struggle greatly as a Christian with the idea of praying for healing. I know Christ heals, has healed and will heal again, but I have a hard time asking for healing because I know that healing is not always his plan for each persons life and that doesn't mean that they deserve it less, or that they have done something wrong, it just means that that is God's plan for that person's life. I did learn something today in my scripture reading though. Healing is not just about the physical body, it is about the heart and that I am free to pray with confidence that God will heal me, I just need to know that sometimes he focuses that healing on the heart rather than on the body. I know God can heal me, and I know He has plans for my life and I am learning to pray that He gives me peace on how he chooses to refine me by fire in the process.

I use to "throw" pottery (that's what you call it when you make pottery on the potter's wheel.) I love this picture of God as the potter and us as the clay. He even refers to it in scripture. When you make pottery you craft it, mold it and trim it. After you remove it from the wheel, it must dry and then you must take this fragile thing and put it in a kiln to fire at thousands of degrees. When it comes out it is stronger, it can hold water and it can function at its best. If you tried to use it without firing it, it would simply dissolve away. I see myself as this pot that needs to be fired to be made stronger and will be better for it.

Here are the scriptures that have given me comfort today. They are all in the "Message" version. For those of you not familiar with it, it is just a more "laid back" translation of scripture that strives to be accurate, but not necessary literally.

Psalm 41 (thanks mom) vs. 1-3 & 10-13 "Dignify those who are down on their luck: you'll feel good-that's what God does. God looks after us all, makes us robust with life- Lucky to be in the land, we're free from enemy worries. Whenever we're sick and in bed, God becomes our nurse and nurses us back to health." & "Meanwhile, I'm sure you're on my side-no victory shouts yet from the enemy camp! You know me inside and out, you hold me together, you never fail to stand me tall in your presence so I can look you in the eye.

Isaiah 43:1-7 "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. when you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end- Because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you: ...I want them back, every last one who bears my name, every man, woman & child. Whom I created for my glory, yes, personally formed and made each one."

Matthew 5: 3-7 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll every eat."

Matthew 6:25-27 & 33-34 (NIV) "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? " "But seek first his kingdom and his righteouness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "

I knew there'd be days like this, but still no fun.

2006-06-14T16:44:00.000-05:00

As fellow breast cancer survivors have come out of the closet to tell me their stories, most of them have warned me that some days will be ups, and other will be downs, way downs. Yesterdays meetings with my surgeons were an up day. I felt good about "my team", the surgery I was facing and the reconstruction process. Today, I would classify as a down day. I met with my oncologist for the first time. Let me start by saying, as a person, I liked him a lot. Very gentle, great bedside manner, a straight shooter, but optimistic. However, he did have the not so fun task of detailing out for me exactly what we are looking for, or more importantly not looking for to come out of the this upcoming mastectomy.

First, they will do another incision once I am under anethesia and double check my pathology to confirm that this is indeed cancer and my results didn't get swapped with someone else's at the lab (some of you have expressed concern over that.) Assuming that it is still cancer (though I'm all for false alarms in this case) They will proceed as planned with my double mastectomy and reconstruction. As part of all this they will do a procedure that allows them to inject the tumor with dyes and radioactive material (before it is removed from me) to track where the Radiation and dye goes. The hope here is that it would go no where. If they could detect radioactive material in a lymph node or tissue, that could be a place cancer cells have traveled to already, and they will be removed.

After nodes and breasts and tumor is taken out they will do a long pathology process that we hope goes as follows: (this is my prayer list, or fleece I am throwing out for God--for those of you who don't know that reference, find a Bible and read about Gideon, you will get it then) They will look to see if the cancer is Estrogen & Progesterone positive or negative (WE WANT POSITIVE), they will look for something called a HER-2-NEU protein to be present (WE DO NOT WANT THIS GENE PRESENT) They will look for how many lymph nodes have cancer present (WE WANT NO OR LESS THAN 4 POSITIVE FOR CANCER) They will look at the size of the tumor. The size I have from records is about 1 cm, but this doesn't mean that is what they will find when they open me up, cancer is strange like that, it likes to hide sometimes (WE WANT LESS THAN 2 cm THE SMALLER THE BETTER)

What does it mean if I have any of these things? It could mean a couple of things, perhaps the cancer is spread outside my breast or some of them are indicators for how likely it is that the cancer will come back somewhere else. Obviously this is the idea that freaks me out the most.

Listen, I know there is much talk from many of you about speaking words of truth and life and affirmation. I believe whole heartedly that our God is bigger than cancer and that he could have already healed me. My discussions on the reality of what I am dealing with is in NO WAY a resignation on my part that Cancer will get the best of me or that I will be defeated. I am just the type of person that needs to look the enemy in eye so I can take him on face to face. I know this bothers some of you, but know that facing facts and moving through each one of them on their own, helps me to cope better.

I cried with the oncologist a little. Not because I am scared of the cancer I have, but because I am scared of the what if's. I am scared of the cancer that could be. I am scared of the unknown and first and foremost, my number one thought since Friday, June 9th at 3:30 pm, is that I ache when I think of my kids growing up without me. I am optimistic they won't and I have made a decision to allow myself only brief moments of these thoughts, because if I fear what could be, I am clearly taking my thoughts, heart and time from what already is right in front of me.

I share all this with you so that you would have VERY SPECIFIC prayer requests. All of the technical issues described above, as well as Jeff & I's embracing of the current love and blessings our family shares. There is nothing that says I couldn't get hit by a mack truck tomorrow, but I don't fear that. I want my thoughts of cancer to be at a place where I can dismiss it in the same way. I am constantly reminded about ...
Matthew 6:24
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I want to be at a place where I believe that as truth. Tomorrow will be a better day.

How to Help (Guest blogger: Jeff)

2006-06-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

We have been inundated with offers of assistance, and we are extremely thankful for you all. We realized that being fiercely independent in a time like this is exceptional prideful, so we tried to think of things that we wil need.

One thing that jumped out at us is how much we are (and will be) eating out. For those of you who are far away, we could use gift cards for restaurants in the Christiansburg and Blacksburg area - the modern equivalent of cooking a meal for us, right? We have most major chains, but you may want to check the restaurant websites to see how close the nearest establishment is to postal code 24060.

Thanks again!

2006-06-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

Surgery date set

2006-06-13T20:47:00.000-05:00

My surgery date is set for WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21st at 7:30 am. I hope all you prayer warriors are coffee drinkers, because you will be risin' early.

In the meantime we are focusing on finishing our house decisions, so we won't have to make these decisions in diress later. We are 95% there on all our choices, from lighting to doors or faucets to floors.

I am also nesting a bit. Funny, it feels kind of like right before I had Liam. I want to get laundry done, things cleaned, food made, so these things don't have to be done after my surgery.

I will have some pre-op tests (a chest and head CT), blood tests, etc. I will have to be at the hospital at 6 am on the day of the surgery.

Shoppin' for new boobs

2006-06-13T20:37:00.000-05:00

Next we were off to a place I would not have imagined myself at in a million years, the plastic surgeon's office. It felt like we entered a scene out of the movie "Doc Hollywood" It was a beautiful office, everyone very kind, they offered drinks.

We met with the nurse first and she said up front that she was so happy we opted for double mastectomy. She says she struggles daily to convince her young BC patients to go this route, but often loses the batte. I don't get it personally, but to each his own.

We had a great conversation with her and Dr. Breiner about my surgery, my tissue expanders (they will later be replaces with implants) and believe it or not, the value of silicone implants over saline implants. The silicone has gotten a bad wrap in recent years, but has proved very effective (and really only legal) in reconstruction patients. I can say from having played with an actual implant during our whole hour long consulation, that nothing is poking through or leaking from these new versions.

I will have the tissue expanders put in at the time of surgery with a little bit of saline in them. Each week after surgery I will go to the Plastic surgeon's office and we will put 50cc of fluid in them through a special valve that only allows fluid in, not out. It's pretty amazing. After I have gotten to the desired size (what that is will be another discussion for another day) they will stay in place until after my chemo, and treatment until I have a simple procedure to swap them out with the permanant implants. Me with fake boobs, how funny.

the power of the second opinion

2006-06-13T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today, I had my second opinion. Everywhere I read and everyone I've talked to told me to do this, so I picked another surgeon out of the magic health insurance book and made an appointment. This doctor is great. Jeff and I knew from the beginning that he was a gift from God. He does a lot of breast work. Over 100 a year. He also works as a team with a plastic surgeon, which makes a tremendous difference in how my operation goes. They know each other's incision preferences, methods and thought processes in treatment. They also recommended an Oncologist in my local area for my chemo follow-up who use to work in their team until he moved to Blacksburg. The surgeon, Dr. Williams, is in Salem, which is about 35 minutes away and 10 minutes from where my sister, Lara, lives.

I didn't think he could have a much different opinion from my first consultation, but I was wrong. My first dr. recommended I wait to do my reconstruction for another year after my surgery. Dr. Williams strongly disagreed. He addressed each one of my specific concerns about infection and my tissue expander getting in the way of possible radiation. He showed us that the current research and literature actually supports that the recovery is better and the healing of the incision, the look of the reconstruction, as well as the emotional impact are all better when the reconstruction is done at the same time of the mastectomy.

Something else I also appreciated about Dr. Williams is his incredibly encouraging attitude. He said, "you caught this incredibly early, I have seen your films and even though I know its there, I still can't find it. You have a great prognosis." He gave us both the emotional freedom to actually get excited about the possibilites of reconstruction.

Here is the bad news. He said he could not operate in the next two weeks because he is booked solid and then he is going on vacation for 2 more weeks. I didn't think we could handle waiting this long emotionally or physically. I asked him if there was anyway he could squeeze me in. He said between his schedule, the plastic surgeon's schedule and the OR's schedule at the hospital he thought this was highly unlikely. He left us sayin he would have his nurse contact us with our options.

I was excited we had found the right surgeon, but sad that I didn't know how the timing was going to work. Jeff & I got in the car and I prayed that the Lord would give us peace in our decision and that he would open the surgery spot, like he had parted the seas. I really had total peace at that point.

This is how I know God's hand is in all this....One hour later we received a call from the surgeon's nurse. The made a spot for us in the OR, with both DRs. and I had an appointment at 2:30 to consult with the Plastic surgeon. TAKE THAT BREAST CANCER, IN YOUR FACE! My GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOU, I'VE GOT YOUR NAME AND I'M COMING AFTER YOU!!!

A word on my family history

2006-06-13T20:13:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know a lot about my family history with Breast Cancer I thought I would tell you so you could gain a little insight on the gene pool that I bring to this fight. My mom is from a family of 12 kids. (God bless you grandma) 9 girls, 3 boys. Of my mom's sisters, 4 of them have had breast cancer. All 4 of them were diagnosed premenopausal. Two have lost their battle with this nasty disease. Various sisters have chosen to get genetic testing for the BRC gene that can help determine one's likeliehood to develop the gene. This gene does not mean one will get the disease, it just means they are more likely to. Some of them have come back negative, my aunt Nancy, who lost her battle with BC, was positive for the gene. I don't know if me, my sister or mom have this gene, though I am quite sure I will know my status by the time all of this is worked through for me, especially since I have a daughter. I am the first of the "next generation" to receive this diagnosis and I sense from talking to my cousins it makes them feel a bit uneasy. I don't blame them for their fears, but I know this generation has much more in advancement and early detection to fight BC head on.

Monday, June 12th

2006-06-13T19:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, was a better day. We decided to resolve the church telling issue by just writing it on the collection card. It some ways it was kind of wimping out, but I just didn't have the strength to tell people face to face. The church response was awesome. We were flooded with phone calls from near and far of immediate action. Two of the pastors came over Sunday night and prayed with us, anointed me, and gave us communion. It makes me so happy to be part of NLCF. I have a feeling we will need to rely on these people more in months to come, especially in help with the kids.

Today I have my first consultation with a surgeon. I am anxious to develop a plan of attack. I have been reading and researching on the web all weekend and I feel like I have a greater understanding of what is happening and what I am dealing with. I keep having this vision in my head of jumping into a boxing ring with pink silk shorts on and giant boxing gloves. I see this sea of friends and family behind me and "the cancer" across the ring. I feel like he has 1 point in the first round, but I have come into this round swinging with a vengeance.

The surgeon we met with today was nice. We literally picked his name out of our health insurance book. He was knowledgeable, but does not specialize in breast surgery. He agreed with our decision to have a double mastectomy. Though my cancer is small and caught early, at my age and chance of recurrence we've agreed to take the most aggressive or "conservative" approach on all our treatments. Starting with a complete double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Some people have had a hard time understanding why someone would choose such a radical procedure, so I will try and explain my thoughts a little bit so you all will understand where our hearts are.

Once I got the cancer diagnosis I just felt like I wanted this thing, and anything that caused it, out of my body. I lost all attachment to my self image issues that might be related to how I would feel without breasts and immediately clung to the idea that I would fight this S.O.B. called cancer head on. If I were 60 and I got the same diagnosis, I might make a different decision. However, I have learned that premenopausal Breast cancer is a whole different beast. The chance of recurrence for my type of cancer goes from 3% for post-menopausal women to 20% for premenopausal women. By having a double mastectomy I lower those odds quite a bit. Take that CANCER!!! I feel like I have an obligation to my kids and husband to be around to nag them for many more years.

Here is the good news of this day and age. I get to do immediate reconstruction. See tomorrow's blog and I will discuss my new found appreciation for plastic surgery.

Sunday June 11, Day 4--AM

2006-06-13T18:56:00.000-05:00

Today I felt better waking up, I didn't wake up in a complete panic every hour last night. Today we face an interesting dilemma. We want to share with people at church what is going on, but we don't know how or with whom. I have learned that it sucks to just call people up or even worse, see them in person and say "hey, by the way, I have Breast Cancer." They don't know what to say, I don't want to feel patronized, and they are frankly blindsided. I feel bad telling people sometimes, as funny as that sounds. I just want to get through this stage where everyone knows and I'm "outed" with the latest major fact in my life.

Day 2 -- the story of my Breast Cancer Diagnosis -- Saturday, June 10th

2006-06-13T18:38:00.000-05:00

Here is my story so far...I was having a pain in my left breast from the armpit to the lower side of my breast for about 6 weeks now. I was waiting to act on it because I wanted to go through a period and see if it was related. If it had been anywhere else on my body I would have ignored it frankly. We have a lot of BC on my mom's side of the family, but not my mom or sister. My mom has 8 sisters, of them, 4 have had BC (all prementalpausal) 2 have lost their battle, 1 has had a prophylactic double mastectomy just for her peace of mind, and 2 of those who have done they BRC testing have come back positive. So given the family thing I decided to use this as an excuse to get a complete physical since I hadn't had one in years.
Thank God for Nurse Reese. She is a NP, but she took my pain very seriously. Even though we both couldn't distinguish a specific lump, more of just a tender area in the midst of tendons and muscle, she gave me a full referral to a Breast Care Center nearby. She said it was time for my first mammogram. I had a mammogram (nothing showed up) but since I was having a symptom they decided to do an ultrasound. The first tech did the ultrasound and found nothing. Then the Dr. came in and asked me to point the probe at the specific tender spot. There if found a small "shadow" on the screen. It measured about .8 cm by 1.5 cm and did not have distinct borders. He began the day by saying, "In 30 years of doing this, I have never seen cancer present itself as just pain, I am sure this is nothing." (words that will make me question Drs. as long as I live.) They decided to biopsy it this week, Friday.
He called friday at 3:30 and said to his surprise it was cancerous. I started shaking and pulled out a pen and paper, because I knew I would not remember what he said. I told him to tell me the exact words I need to know. He called it an "Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma" with a Grade 3 Histological Description. It is a combination of DCIS and IDC.
I told him we had a family trip to Disney World planned for a year & and a half, from July 8-21, could this wait until after? He said "no, you may not be going on that vacation" That hit me harder than the actual diagnosis. Plus, we are moving August 1-7 to a new house. I can't help thinking if I could have just waited two more months I could deal with this better. Frankly, that has been my biggest struggle right now.
As for today, I had a restless night sleep, kept waking up thinking about all my friends and family who were probably also still awake. Understandably my mom is taking this very hard and given her family's history, she is scared. My next step was to find my best cleavage shirt, pull my long brown hair down (that I almost always wear in a pony-tail) and resolve that if I was going to lose these things in the next few months, I was showing them off until then!