Where the heck have I been?

I know many of you have been wondering if I fell off the face of the earth. I know there is a little part in some of you that was wondering if anything bad happened, but was afraid to ask. I know this because some of you emailed me asking that question.

Well the good news is that I am doing fine, cancer is still at bay, its just been a really crazy few weeks. So this will likely be a longer then normal blog as I try and fill you in on all the events of the last 6 weeks since my last chemo. It has been quite a roller coaster of events.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Northern Virginia to stay at my mom's house for the holidays and so that I could participate in the Northern Virginia Handcrafter's Guild annual craft show. I had been furiously making soap the last few weeks in our apartment kitchen to prepare for the show. Last year, it was my best show and it is the only show I was able to participate in this year, so I was anxiously awaiting this 3 day event. It was a wonderful show. My best show ever and I sold almost 600 bars of soap. I also had many visitors of my wonderful support system and friends I had not seen in years. It gave me warm fuzzies all around and was a wonderful confidence builder to my craft and my heart.

We returned home to a mad dash of finishing the house so we could move in before my December 19th reconstruction surgery. I worked for 25+ hours a week for the next few weeks coming to the house to coordinate last minute items from numerous contractors. We focused our efforts mostly on the items that needed to happen in order to get an Occupancy Permit. We figured the other cosmetic stuff could be adjusted over the next few months. We booked the movers for December 15th (the last possible date before my surgery) and prayed that the inspector would give us the OP on the 14th. We had no wiggle room, because if he didn't pass us that day, we would not be able to have him back for reinspection until after my surgery. We called the movers to plan the move and didn't anticipate they would be booked this time of year, but found out they were. I panicked and then humbly played the cancer card. Well, technically Jeff played the cancer card. The movers called back to see what our options were for moving dates in January and they asked if we had our hearts set on being in by Christmas. Jeff said, "its not Christmas as much as my wife is having a cancer surgery on December 19th, and it would be a real blessing to be in by then." They called back within minutes and explained they would move us on December 15th! God is good. They are great movers. Both our experiences with them have been amazing. So if you are in Southwest Virginia and need a moving company, I will give a free plug to Crowning Touch Moving in Roanoke.

We moved into our house, moved our stuff out of our old apartment and then the following day Jeff's parents arrived from Florida. They were a huge blessing to us in helping unpack, watch the kids and give us a relaxing and fun Christmas. We had a really nice visit with them. We put our tree up quickly (it was one of the first things we unpacked) so we could have some semblance of Christmas normalcy.

So what about that surgery, Kat? Did you get those "Christmas Boobies" you were hoping for? Well, in a nutshell, the surgery was good and bad. The surgery itself was uneventful. I had very little pain (most of my chest is completely numb from my mastectomies) and no nausea from anesthesia. Both, good things. I did spend the night in the hospital so I could have IV pain meds and IV antibiotics. I tried a new pain drug this time (instead of morphine, which makes me itchy all over and kind of yucky feeling) called Dilutin (Spell?) Well, it was good stuff. As my plastic surgeon put it, "its what I want to spend my last two weeks of life on." However, by the night of my surgery my blood pressure had dropped dangerously low and they took me off of it in the middle of the night.

I did not see my new breasts until the next day because of all the bandages and dressings. I went to the plastic surgeon's office and he took off my dressings. I was tired and groggy from a night of little sleep and post surgery effects, but still excited to see the "new girls". I looked down at my chest for the first time and my very first thought was, "where are they?" I looked just as flat as I had after my mastectomy and I was shocked and confused. My surgeon explained that he had to put in smaller implants then we had discussed. I have to admit I was more upset then I was when I saw my chest after my mastectomy the first time. That time, I knew what was coming and had expectations of the worst, plus I was happy that the cancer was out and I had no lymph node involvement. This time I had expectations that they would be misshapended for a while as they settle into place, but I did not expect that I would be basically flat chested again. I am basically an "A" cup at this time, and this was even harder since I was a good "B" or small "C" by the time my expanders were done being filled.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Even Jeff had to drag it out of me and I mourned (and am mourning) even now. I didn't want to post an update on my blog even though I know many of you had so anxiously awaited alongside of me a good outcome. I was upset that I even bothered with reconstruction and all the pain and discomfort that came with the expansion process over the last few months. I beat myself up for not doing the same amount of research that I had for my chemo and treatment, though now I realize I don't know if I would have done anything different.

I was a little frustrated with my surgeon that he didn't seem to sense how devasting this really was for me, but I also didn't share that with him.

So where does this leave me? Well, more surgery. I can go back and have a "revision" which means I can have larger implants put in. I don't exactly understand why they could put in larger implants later, but couldn't now. I have saggy skin that could be filled with a bigger implant, but it will really come down to what my muscle can do, since my implants are behind the peck muscle.

I can not do anything for several months until I have recovered from this surgery and can see how my current implants settle into place. However, I know they are not going to "grow" any, even if they do become more "breast shaped" in how they sit.

I struggle with getting second opinions. I like my plastic surgeon and his team of assistants, but I know I now have to do what is right for me and my eventual outcome. So I have made an appointment with one of the top reconstruction plastic surgeons in the country. He is in Georgetown, DC. He is a hard appointment to get and I won't see him until the end of February. He specializes in difficult reconstruction cases. Four of my online friends have seen him 2 for their original reconstructions, and 2 for their revisions and they are all extremely happy with the results. I will let you know how this appointment comes out in February.

For now, my hair is coming back (I have about 1/2 inch) and we are unpacking boxes. I am trying to return to a sense of normalcy and real life post-cancer. After much thought and prayer I have decided to quit Starbucks when the students return for the next semester (mid-January) it is just time for me to focus on other things and have more of an at home routine with Liam, Bethany and Jeff. I want to focus on ministry, homemaking and a daily devotional for women going through Breast cancer.

In February I will attend a conference for the Young Survival Coalition, the online support system that I have lived on for the last few months. It is an organization that focuses on women with Breast Cancer under 40. It has been my free therapy the last few months and the women on that site have become like sisters to me through this journey. Last night, one of those sisters, Cheryl Garcia, lost her battle with breast cancer. I wept as I read about her passing and it was a cold reminder of how much cancer sucks. She leaves behind 2 kids and she shared with us in the last few weeks how she had focused all her energy on making birthday and Christmas cards for her kids for the rest of their lives. We raised money to pay the costs of a pain pump her insurance wouldn't cover and I learned first hand how painful this journey is. Young Survival Coalition is an amazing organization and if you are ever looking for a group to give some donation money to, they are a good one. You will see a link to their site to the right of my blog on this page.

Jeff's job continues to flourish and our house is amazing. Jeff's dad continues to respond amazingly well to hormone treatment and prayer. He is thinking about removing some of the cancer through surgery next year, and he is trying to decide which surgery is best for his cancer.

Well, that catches you up on me for the last few weeks. I will post pictures when I can of my current hair, the kids, the house, etc.

You all are a blessing to me. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. To the year 2006... "go away, don't come back, don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out, I don't want to see you again. "

Our new address is: 1107 Arrington Rd. Blacksburg, VA 24060. Copy it down, because I will pull it off this site in a few days.

Kat