I just finished watching the Lifetime TV movie, "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy." I highly recommend it. It deals specifically with a young woman with Breast Cancer and many of the issues she faces. The husband doesn't represent Jeff, but I think he could be replaced by other people in my life. They are replaying it on Saturday night at 9 pm on Lifetime TV, so set your TiVo or VCR, its a good little watch. Here is a link to their website if you need to look up your local channel.
http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/originals/whyiworelipstick.php
(the link doesn't work with this blog, so just cut and past it into your browser)
Blessings,
Kat
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Fall is in the air...
I love fall. I love the colder weather. I love the leaves falling. I am not a huge football fan, but I do love the excitement that brews in this little college town on each football game day. I have noticed that the recent weather change has made me feel better when I look to the mountains and see the most beautiful canvas created by God. I have felt better in recent days emotionally. I know I am so blessed and I often waver back and forth between life's daily dose of whatever I am supposed to consume for that day and my overwhelming sense of how many awesome things and people I have around me.
I have to laugh after my last blog entry, because those of you who were so quick to respond to how down in the dumps I was feeling over people's reactions to me, were exactly the people who DID NOT fit into that category. You all, and you know how you are, are the ones who emailed me to reassure me that you love and care for me. You all, are the ones who sent me letter and cards, words of encouragement and heartfelt notes to reassure me I wasn't forgotten. I guess it is likely you all who are left still reading this blog so faithfully, thus the ones who have been my support team holding my arms up, when I could no longer face the battle, are the ones I wasn't concerned about. Thank you for your hugs long distance, I really did feel hugged. I have to continually remind myself that this journey is not forever and that each ache and pain I feel physically or emotionally is only temporary.
Last week's chemo was a long day. Its a bummer with Taxol, that even though it has been overall easier on me, the day of chemo itself is a very long one. I leave the house at 7:30 am and don't return until 5:30 pm. Just writing that made me realize that cancer really is a full time job literally and figuratively. No amount of books, tv and chatting with my chemo buddy, Barb (she is on the same exact schedule I am and usually arrives at chemo about an hour after me) can fill that time and make it something fun.
I was feeling great the night of chemo and the next day. Not necessarily my normal self, but great in chemo terms. However, Thursday I woke up and everything screeched to a halt. I had terrible body pain and I was laid up all day. I felt like you do when you have a fever and everything hurts to even touch. Even my nails and teeth Hurt. I took a full range of my arsenal of pain meds, which helped with the pain but left me feeling groggy. I have felt better the last few days, but still have quite a bit of stiffness and random pains that kick in like "charlie horse's" when I least expect it. It feels like I have been standing on my feet all day. It is still easier to deal with then the side effects of AC, but not necessarily pleasant to deal with. I keep repeating, "2 more treatments, 2 more treatments."
Jeff took a weekend off from work this weekend, I was proud of him. I can't of tricked him into it. His sister Stefanie came up for the weekend and only I knew she was coming. I told Jeff he would need to clear some time for some stuff this weekend, but didn't tell him what. He feels a little overwhelmed with the amount of work facing him today, but we both agreed the time with his sister was worth it.
Our dear project foreman had his last day on our house project on Friday. I took 5 pages of notes of items we would now need to watch, follow up with, or keep an eye on. After a pointed note to the builder about the status of our project, we feel we are getting a bit more attention, but I also fear their frustration with us now becoming "difficult homeowners" has created a feeling that they will do the minimum to just get the project done. I don't know where the balance is between "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." and not just plain pissing them off with all of our frustration and pestering. I won't just sit on my hands and do nothing, we have too much vested in this project, but I also recognize that you can piss people off so much that they don't want to move a single inch more then they absolutely have to to help you out. We are skirting very close on this balance everyday. I have given up being in our home by Thanksgiving, now I am hoping for being in by my surgery on December 19th. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won't be putting up Christmas stuff this year, bummer.
I have continued to make soap when I can. I don't want to run out of anything like I did for a few things last year. I have also added some new items like, pink ribbon ducks ($1 of which will go to Young Survival Coalition, the organization for women under 40 with BC, I live on their site.) I also added a "no more stinky feet soap" with loofah chunks in it, a lemon soap, an orange soap, race car ducks, Jewish/Israel ducks, armed forces ducks, profession ducks, and on....and on. I hope to have my site updated after my show so people can start ordering again. Someday.
The kids are good, we picked out our pumpkins yesterday at the pumpkin patch. We did the hayride, maze and pumpkin thing. I don't care much for carving pumpkins, but I LOVE pumpkin seeds so I will likely pop them all open to at least get the seeds out so I can roast them. I am salivating just thinking about them. Yummy. The verdict is still out on what, if anything, we will do for Halloween. I would love to find a good church festival in town. I am not a big fan of the trick or treating thing.
Well I hope you all will be blessed as much as you bless me this week.
Love
Kat
I have to laugh after my last blog entry, because those of you who were so quick to respond to how down in the dumps I was feeling over people's reactions to me, were exactly the people who DID NOT fit into that category. You all, and you know how you are, are the ones who emailed me to reassure me that you love and care for me. You all, are the ones who sent me letter and cards, words of encouragement and heartfelt notes to reassure me I wasn't forgotten. I guess it is likely you all who are left still reading this blog so faithfully, thus the ones who have been my support team holding my arms up, when I could no longer face the battle, are the ones I wasn't concerned about. Thank you for your hugs long distance, I really did feel hugged. I have to continually remind myself that this journey is not forever and that each ache and pain I feel physically or emotionally is only temporary.
Last week's chemo was a long day. Its a bummer with Taxol, that even though it has been overall easier on me, the day of chemo itself is a very long one. I leave the house at 7:30 am and don't return until 5:30 pm. Just writing that made me realize that cancer really is a full time job literally and figuratively. No amount of books, tv and chatting with my chemo buddy, Barb (she is on the same exact schedule I am and usually arrives at chemo about an hour after me) can fill that time and make it something fun.
I was feeling great the night of chemo and the next day. Not necessarily my normal self, but great in chemo terms. However, Thursday I woke up and everything screeched to a halt. I had terrible body pain and I was laid up all day. I felt like you do when you have a fever and everything hurts to even touch. Even my nails and teeth Hurt. I took a full range of my arsenal of pain meds, which helped with the pain but left me feeling groggy. I have felt better the last few days, but still have quite a bit of stiffness and random pains that kick in like "charlie horse's" when I least expect it. It feels like I have been standing on my feet all day. It is still easier to deal with then the side effects of AC, but not necessarily pleasant to deal with. I keep repeating, "2 more treatments, 2 more treatments."
Jeff took a weekend off from work this weekend, I was proud of him. I can't of tricked him into it. His sister Stefanie came up for the weekend and only I knew she was coming. I told Jeff he would need to clear some time for some stuff this weekend, but didn't tell him what. He feels a little overwhelmed with the amount of work facing him today, but we both agreed the time with his sister was worth it.
Our dear project foreman had his last day on our house project on Friday. I took 5 pages of notes of items we would now need to watch, follow up with, or keep an eye on. After a pointed note to the builder about the status of our project, we feel we are getting a bit more attention, but I also fear their frustration with us now becoming "difficult homeowners" has created a feeling that they will do the minimum to just get the project done. I don't know where the balance is between "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." and not just plain pissing them off with all of our frustration and pestering. I won't just sit on my hands and do nothing, we have too much vested in this project, but I also recognize that you can piss people off so much that they don't want to move a single inch more then they absolutely have to to help you out. We are skirting very close on this balance everyday. I have given up being in our home by Thanksgiving, now I am hoping for being in by my surgery on December 19th. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won't be putting up Christmas stuff this year, bummer.
I have continued to make soap when I can. I don't want to run out of anything like I did for a few things last year. I have also added some new items like, pink ribbon ducks ($1 of which will go to Young Survival Coalition, the organization for women under 40 with BC, I live on their site.) I also added a "no more stinky feet soap" with loofah chunks in it, a lemon soap, an orange soap, race car ducks, Jewish/Israel ducks, armed forces ducks, profession ducks, and on....and on. I hope to have my site updated after my show so people can start ordering again. Someday.
The kids are good, we picked out our pumpkins yesterday at the pumpkin patch. We did the hayride, maze and pumpkin thing. I don't care much for carving pumpkins, but I LOVE pumpkin seeds so I will likely pop them all open to at least get the seeds out so I can roast them. I am salivating just thinking about them. Yummy. The verdict is still out on what, if anything, we will do for Halloween. I would love to find a good church festival in town. I am not a big fan of the trick or treating thing.
Well I hope you all will be blessed as much as you bless me this week.
Love
Kat
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Cancer's Roller Coaster.
I could have titled this entry, "antibioticked, again.", but since I have used that one several times, it is starting to sound as old as its getting. I have had an interesting mix of ups and downs over the last week and I just want to get back to a boring life again. Yes, I crave boredom. I crave a time where I don't wake up worried about health, basic functioning, fighting for life or even being so easily labored by life's details. Yesterday, I woke up with sinus congestion, again. I had been feeling so great the last two weeks. The pessimist in me knew it would come back, but I was so hoping I could feel healthy for the rest of chemo. By today the congestion was much worse and my (warning: too much information coming...) mucus was green (never a good sign). You enter an interesting balance at this point because I have now been on antibiotics 6 times since my surgery in June. At some point your body builds up a resistance to antibiotics and not only do they not work, but this is the problem that contributes to some of the "super bugs" or viruses that are circluating now, because they learn to resist antibiotics. So I called the Dr. and we discussed this issue, deciding that I would try a simplier antibiotic called the "Z-pack" or zyromyecin (I don't know if I'm spelling that right). If it doesn't work, I will likely just ride the wave of sickness through this time, unless I develop a fever.
Jeff is gone this week. He went to Northern VA (for those of you outside the state that is about 4 hours from where we now live.) He went to meet with some clients and potential clients in hope of continuing to grow what has now become an independent contracting business for him. He has had a flood of business in recent weeks and he has been working 70+ hours in front of the computer doing all the programming. Liam says, "Daddy pushes buttons on the computer." Its a mixed bag because he is getting work, lots of it, that has the potential of being lucrative for him and the other guy he has partnered with, but it is contract work, which means we won't necessarily know from month to month where we stand and if he gets too much work in a short deadline they will have to sub-contract it to others. I do feel like the Lord is leading him in this direction, but the fear of the unknown mixed with lack of benefits is unsettling for the future. He took Liam with him to spend the week at my parents house being spoiled by Nana and Granddaddy. I am afraid Liam will never want to come home to this boring, small apartment.
I had high hopes of getting tons of soapmaking done this week. For those of you who don't know, I have a soap making business in recent years, called VIRGINIA SOAPS. I do craft shows, special orders and some orders off my website. I have done none of these since my diagnosis and was bummed to be a no-show for two big shows I had scheduled almost a year ago for this fall because I just didn't have the strength or inventory to participate. I do plan on doing my biggest show of the year in Vienna, VA (that's up in NoVA) the week of Thanksgiving. Since our current living arrangements are not conducive to making soap, I have unpacked a large amount of this stuff to work on this week. I have made quite a few, but not as much as I would have liked as life issues keep coming up and calling me away. The illness hasn't helped the cause much.
In the other time, when Bethany comes home from school, we have been hanging out, had a "Girl's dinner" last night (her choice of restaurant, McDonald's) and she has been helping me "organize" my soap stuff by lining up ducks, monkeys, animals and instructing me on which to work on next. I have enjoyed our time together, but we both agree we miss the boys. They will return late Thursday night.
I also found out today that our favorite employee at the construction company is leaving in the next two weeks. I won't get into all the dynamics of the shake-up with the builder and how disappointed we have been, but the bottom line is he is really the last capable employee and now I will have to basically serve as contractor on my own home until its completion. We could be as soon as 4 weeks away, but with no one really overseeing it properly, I know from experience, things will get forgotten, misscheduled and delayed. So as of today, I am officially babysitting the builder with multiple daily calls and a virtual take over of the remaining details of the house. I can't explain how overwhelmed this makes me, but it just has to be done at this point, or we won't be in our house by the end of the year. I am stressed about it and highly annoyed that the builder has been so disappointing, but I can't spend my energy on blame or frustration, I need to redirect it into getting this project done. I feel resentful that all the fun of building our dream home has been sucked from my heart by Jeff's job loss, an uncertain future and the details that I shouldn't have to be in charge of, but in the end reality, must take over.
Confession time...
I have been feeling somewhat lonely in recent weeks. Yes, part of it may seem Jeff's absense for the week, but it is really more than that. Its funny with cancer (Ok, I'm officially crying now as I type) but people help you and say, "how are you?" and that is very important. Don't get me wrong, things like cards, meals, taking care of the kids are all very important, but people have a tendancy to take a step back from you emotionally. I had a flood of people offering prayers and good wishes at the beginning. I knew this would dwindle as people return to their lives (and they rightfully should.) There is also this certain distance that happens with everyone in your life that makes you feel like you are in a plastic bubble all by yourself. Part of it is the dwindling down of contact from people, part of it is that people always want to know what your physical needs are and how to address them. Part of it is people always gauging how you are doing as a whole based on how you are feeling physically. If you feel OK then everything is OK. Lets face it when we ask people in the grocery store, "How are you?" we don't really want them to say, "well I'm not throwing up, but I am not having my emotional needs met." I don't want to share that anymore then people want to hear it. Yet here I am feeling like most people have taken a step back from me. I don't think people know better, I honestly think most people feel like they just need to let me be left alone to heal, but ultimately what ends up happening is just a lonely shell of soul not knowing how or what to really ask for. The physical stuff is the easiest. I don't have the strength to make a meal, ask for a meal. I have errands to run, ask for someone to take the kids. How do you verbalize to people, "Man I really wish someone would call and pray over me today. Or why won't someone invite me to go shopping, or to the movies?" I crave someone to call and ask me specific questions that aren't "how are you feeling?" "how was this chemo?" "has Jeff found a job?". I can't expect this kind of attention from Jeff. He has way too much on his plate and I feel so guilty asking him for more then even the basic needs because he is really doing the job of 3 people as is. I try to ask for little of him emotionally because my emotional needs from him now really consist of pouring into the kids and providing for us and the future of this family financially. I don't feel guilty or expect that he should give more than that. It has worked well for us in recent weeks (on an emotional level) and frankly, since he is home all day, we both probably really need to be poured into from the outside anyway. When you try to fill one another's empty cup with only the drops you have in your cup, in just doesn't fill very far.
I am going to vent a little here and I have resisted the temptation to do this for a few weeks, because I don't want to offend any of you, but in an effort to be as geniuine and real as I can I am going to pour out my heart a little more. I am tired of people telling me they will call me next week. I am tired of people saying, they keep meaning to call or follow up with us. I am tired of false promises and poor follow through. I am tired of "I've been meaning to..." or "I tried to..." I would rather people just say hi and be on there way. Frankly, they promise or fake attempt just serves to make me more disappointed and makes me jaded to people's inability to follow through. I am not going to pretend I am perfect in this area, that I have never promised or said something that I haven't followed through on, but lately I have become particularly jaded to this. I have chemo, a part-time job, two kids, a husband, a house project, a soap business and yet I still make it a priority to meet with students on campus, so follow up with specific other breast cancer survivors and go to church every Sunday. I have learned so much about what people in need really need, so I will let you in on the secret...they need consistency. They need people to do what they say they will. They need people around not only right after the crisis, but 3 months later. They need people to not only ask how they are doing, but make an appointment to sit down and listen to the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why I stand at the door with my coat on ready to leave is not really an indication that you intend to stick around and hear the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why you've invited me to a coffee shop, is.
I know a large part of it is that I didn't have the chance to really develop the close friendships that I need now in the 9 months we lived in Blacksburg before my cancer, so frankly I just don't know who I would call to dump on around here. I have always been guarded in making close friends. It took me almost 2 years to become vunerable enough to share and learn about my dear kindred friend, Pamela, and once I did, I wish I had known her my whole life. Here is a woman that 250 miles away has learned more about me emotionally in the last few months than anyone else. I miss you Pamela.
So this entry was probably more than most of you all bargained for. I hope it doesn't make you feel guilty, that was not my intent. I really just wanted to share more of where my heart has been. I read a perfect quote this morning that really captured the esssence of my feelings, "Lord, please come forward because my boat is so tiny and this sea is so big."
Please pray that Jeff and I would feel comforted by how the Lord chooses to meet our needs. Please pray that we wouldn't have to reach out anymore, that maybe we could feel some reaching in. Please pray that I would be quickly healed from this latest sickness. Please pray for a safe return for my two men. Please pray for our house project that I could find the joy in it and I could be excited about all the ministry that will happen there someday.
thanks
Kat
Jeff is gone this week. He went to Northern VA (for those of you outside the state that is about 4 hours from where we now live.) He went to meet with some clients and potential clients in hope of continuing to grow what has now become an independent contracting business for him. He has had a flood of business in recent weeks and he has been working 70+ hours in front of the computer doing all the programming. Liam says, "Daddy pushes buttons on the computer." Its a mixed bag because he is getting work, lots of it, that has the potential of being lucrative for him and the other guy he has partnered with, but it is contract work, which means we won't necessarily know from month to month where we stand and if he gets too much work in a short deadline they will have to sub-contract it to others. I do feel like the Lord is leading him in this direction, but the fear of the unknown mixed with lack of benefits is unsettling for the future. He took Liam with him to spend the week at my parents house being spoiled by Nana and Granddaddy. I am afraid Liam will never want to come home to this boring, small apartment.
I had high hopes of getting tons of soapmaking done this week. For those of you who don't know, I have a soap making business in recent years, called VIRGINIA SOAPS. I do craft shows, special orders and some orders off my website. I have done none of these since my diagnosis and was bummed to be a no-show for two big shows I had scheduled almost a year ago for this fall because I just didn't have the strength or inventory to participate. I do plan on doing my biggest show of the year in Vienna, VA (that's up in NoVA) the week of Thanksgiving. Since our current living arrangements are not conducive to making soap, I have unpacked a large amount of this stuff to work on this week. I have made quite a few, but not as much as I would have liked as life issues keep coming up and calling me away. The illness hasn't helped the cause much.
In the other time, when Bethany comes home from school, we have been hanging out, had a "Girl's dinner" last night (her choice of restaurant, McDonald's) and she has been helping me "organize" my soap stuff by lining up ducks, monkeys, animals and instructing me on which to work on next. I have enjoyed our time together, but we both agree we miss the boys. They will return late Thursday night.
I also found out today that our favorite employee at the construction company is leaving in the next two weeks. I won't get into all the dynamics of the shake-up with the builder and how disappointed we have been, but the bottom line is he is really the last capable employee and now I will have to basically serve as contractor on my own home until its completion. We could be as soon as 4 weeks away, but with no one really overseeing it properly, I know from experience, things will get forgotten, misscheduled and delayed. So as of today, I am officially babysitting the builder with multiple daily calls and a virtual take over of the remaining details of the house. I can't explain how overwhelmed this makes me, but it just has to be done at this point, or we won't be in our house by the end of the year. I am stressed about it and highly annoyed that the builder has been so disappointing, but I can't spend my energy on blame or frustration, I need to redirect it into getting this project done. I feel resentful that all the fun of building our dream home has been sucked from my heart by Jeff's job loss, an uncertain future and the details that I shouldn't have to be in charge of, but in the end reality, must take over.
Confession time...
I have been feeling somewhat lonely in recent weeks. Yes, part of it may seem Jeff's absense for the week, but it is really more than that. Its funny with cancer (Ok, I'm officially crying now as I type) but people help you and say, "how are you?" and that is very important. Don't get me wrong, things like cards, meals, taking care of the kids are all very important, but people have a tendancy to take a step back from you emotionally. I had a flood of people offering prayers and good wishes at the beginning. I knew this would dwindle as people return to their lives (and they rightfully should.) There is also this certain distance that happens with everyone in your life that makes you feel like you are in a plastic bubble all by yourself. Part of it is the dwindling down of contact from people, part of it is that people always want to know what your physical needs are and how to address them. Part of it is people always gauging how you are doing as a whole based on how you are feeling physically. If you feel OK then everything is OK. Lets face it when we ask people in the grocery store, "How are you?" we don't really want them to say, "well I'm not throwing up, but I am not having my emotional needs met." I don't want to share that anymore then people want to hear it. Yet here I am feeling like most people have taken a step back from me. I don't think people know better, I honestly think most people feel like they just need to let me be left alone to heal, but ultimately what ends up happening is just a lonely shell of soul not knowing how or what to really ask for. The physical stuff is the easiest. I don't have the strength to make a meal, ask for a meal. I have errands to run, ask for someone to take the kids. How do you verbalize to people, "Man I really wish someone would call and pray over me today. Or why won't someone invite me to go shopping, or to the movies?" I crave someone to call and ask me specific questions that aren't "how are you feeling?" "how was this chemo?" "has Jeff found a job?". I can't expect this kind of attention from Jeff. He has way too much on his plate and I feel so guilty asking him for more then even the basic needs because he is really doing the job of 3 people as is. I try to ask for little of him emotionally because my emotional needs from him now really consist of pouring into the kids and providing for us and the future of this family financially. I don't feel guilty or expect that he should give more than that. It has worked well for us in recent weeks (on an emotional level) and frankly, since he is home all day, we both probably really need to be poured into from the outside anyway. When you try to fill one another's empty cup with only the drops you have in your cup, in just doesn't fill very far.
I am going to vent a little here and I have resisted the temptation to do this for a few weeks, because I don't want to offend any of you, but in an effort to be as geniuine and real as I can I am going to pour out my heart a little more. I am tired of people telling me they will call me next week. I am tired of people saying, they keep meaning to call or follow up with us. I am tired of false promises and poor follow through. I am tired of "I've been meaning to..." or "I tried to..." I would rather people just say hi and be on there way. Frankly, they promise or fake attempt just serves to make me more disappointed and makes me jaded to people's inability to follow through. I am not going to pretend I am perfect in this area, that I have never promised or said something that I haven't followed through on, but lately I have become particularly jaded to this. I have chemo, a part-time job, two kids, a husband, a house project, a soap business and yet I still make it a priority to meet with students on campus, so follow up with specific other breast cancer survivors and go to church every Sunday. I have learned so much about what people in need really need, so I will let you in on the secret...they need consistency. They need people to do what they say they will. They need people around not only right after the crisis, but 3 months later. They need people to not only ask how they are doing, but make an appointment to sit down and listen to the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why I stand at the door with my coat on ready to leave is not really an indication that you intend to stick around and hear the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why you've invited me to a coffee shop, is.
I know a large part of it is that I didn't have the chance to really develop the close friendships that I need now in the 9 months we lived in Blacksburg before my cancer, so frankly I just don't know who I would call to dump on around here. I have always been guarded in making close friends. It took me almost 2 years to become vunerable enough to share and learn about my dear kindred friend, Pamela, and once I did, I wish I had known her my whole life. Here is a woman that 250 miles away has learned more about me emotionally in the last few months than anyone else. I miss you Pamela.
So this entry was probably more than most of you all bargained for. I hope it doesn't make you feel guilty, that was not my intent. I really just wanted to share more of where my heart has been. I read a perfect quote this morning that really captured the esssence of my feelings, "Lord, please come forward because my boat is so tiny and this sea is so big."
Please pray that Jeff and I would feel comforted by how the Lord chooses to meet our needs. Please pray that we wouldn't have to reach out anymore, that maybe we could feel some reaching in. Please pray that I would be quickly healed from this latest sickness. Please pray for a safe return for my two men. Please pray for our house project that I could find the joy in it and I could be excited about all the ministry that will happen there someday.
thanks
Kat
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Taxol not so taxing....
I had my first Taxol treatment today and as of right now I am fairing much better than with the AC treatments. Taxol is a much longer treatment, just a higher volume of liquids and medicines that have to put in your body. So I was at the oncologist from 9:45-3:45, it was a very long day. There were no delays so I can expect that each of these treatments will be just as long. For AC I was usually done by 1:30 or 2 pm.
I had to take a lot of steroids before the treatment. 5 pills before bed and 5 more throughout the night. Waking up to take them was a pain, but I got through it. I had an appointment at the Plastic Surgeon for another fill up and they even gave me a coupon for a free facial when I done with treatment in celebration of breast cancer awareness month, that was very cool. Facials are not cheap. I will see if the pain from this fill up is the same as others, it usually kicks in while I am sleeping the first night and the next day. I also talked to the Plastic surgeon about having the reaction to the biopsy dye removed when he does my implant surgery. It caused a large mass right after my surgery in June, and though it as shrunk to about the size of a kidney bean, having it there (in almost the exact spot of my cancer) just reminds me of cancer. I put my fingers on it all the time and I told him that even though I know it is just dead tissue, I want it removed, even if it requires another small incision. I don't need it there for my emotional thought process. Once I explained this to him, he was great about saying they would do what they could to remove it. (and biopsy just to make sure there was not breast tissue in it.)
I went to the oncologist and started my IV. First anti-nausea meds (I didn't have to take any oral stuff for that this time, like my $100 a pill Emend tablets) Then I had 45 minutes of benedryl and steroids. It made me feel like I had been drinking. Though I haven't had alcohol in years (it has not been kind to me since I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome) I felt like I had had 2-3 glasses of wine. I have a chemo buddy named Barbara who is on the same exact schedule as I am and we chat through chemo. She was about an hour behind me today and described the exact same feeling. We giggled like kids as we watched each other stumble back and forth to the bathroom like drunks. After that they let me sit for a half hour and let the steroids kick in throughout my system.
Then it was time for the Taxol. The Dr. and nurse had warned of possible allergic reaction. They said if it was going to happen it would be in the first half hour. So the nurse sat right next to me for that time. She said, "if you have a reaction it will feel like you are dying, like a heart attack, mixed with asthma attack, mixed with panic attack, so just know that we will pull you out of it and you are not dying." I thought, "oh, great." I appreciated her bluntness though. (If you haven't figured that out about me, I don't like then sugar coated, just hit me with it. When someone asks me, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" I always opt for the bad news first.)
Anyway, I did just fine, no reaction. So after that she let me finish it out and besides numerous trips back and forth to the restroom (they put a LOT of fluids in you during chemo) I was OK. Tonight I am more than my usual tired, but have no nausea. Usually, I am eating all plain noodles and water, but tonight I had a regular meal with the family. If the body aches kick in (the biggest post treatment side effect for Taxol) I will likely experience them in the next 3 days. I have various pain killers on hand to deal them, depending on how bad they might be. I will likely need extra sleep in the next few days too.
Next time I will bring more food, snacks and stuff to do, it is a much longer day to fill. The good news is that I think I will be fine to drive myself back and forth (Jeff had to drop me off, go back to Blacksburg, work a few hours, get Bethany off the bus after school and come back to pick me up --about a 40 minute drive back and forth each way.) I was over the "drunk buzz" after about an hour into Taxol.
In other news, Jeff had first decided he would be at chemo with me all day, but logistics with the kids didn't work out that way today. This turned out to be a huge blessing because he got a contract written up for a contract that could pay him more than 5 months of his last year's salary. So we are anxious to have the client sign it and he is confident they likely will. This will allow him to definately be at home to work through the rest of my treatment and into next year. YEA!
Jeff's parents left for their annual trip to Israel yesterday. We haven't heard from them yet, but usually don't in the first few days. We still have no word on how Walt is responding to his treatment, but he has no side effects either.
Our house is starting drywall this week and is really getting exciting more and more each time we visit. We are still on track for a late November move in. I am now working out flooring picks. I finalized kitchen cabinets, countertops all the kitchen details last week. That was probably the biggest single element of the whole house design that required the most detail work (lets just say I am really good friends with the guy at Lowes who has been working on the kitchen with me) and I am glad to have it behind us for now.
Kids are doing great, they are both such a blessing each day. Liam is becoming quite a little boy now, very articulate, very musical. Bethany is becoming a young lady and displaying great maturity each day. They both got new shoes that light up, and think they are the greatest. I got a chance to babysit a 2 month old baby for a few hours on Monday (I jumped at the chance when the girl I work with said she needed a sitter for a few hours) I told her I would do it for free because I needed a baby fix. The kids were great with him, especially the mommy in training, Bethany. I got my baby fix for few hours. Hard to believe the kids were ever that small. Still not ready to close my heart on the possibilty of more kids in our future, but not for at least another 2 years. So for now, I will just go from baby fix to baby fix.
Lastly, I found out on Friday that I am positive for the BRC2 gene. I will explain more about this later and what it means, but briefly...Scientists have discovered 2 of what are likely many mutations in the DNA strand that are specifically linked to developing Breast cancer. They call them BRC1 and BRC2, but in the future there will likely be several more. People who carry this gene (yes, men and women) have a dramatically greater chance of developing Breast cancer in their lifetime. This stat goes up with age. For me at 31, it is about 25%, but goes up by 10-15% every decade of age. Well, guess what, I've already had Breast Cancer. Normally, if a person comes back positive for this mutation they have to decide what to do about it. Sometimes it is just aggressive monitoring, digital mammograms, MRI, ultrasound, other people become more aggressive, like having their breasts removed before any cancer develops or having a oopherectomy or hysterectomy (because it also causes an increase in ovarian cancer). Each person has to decide how aggressive they will be. Since I have already had both breasts removed and have already made the decision to have a hysterectomy if and when I have more kids, this doesn't have any further implications for my course of action. However, this has huge implications for the rest of my extended family and my sister and mom. They will both be tested and likely other members of my mom's side of the family, but at this point, my mom has to have the gene, so as you can imagine this is a little disconcerting for her. She will have to discuss with her doctors the implication of this for her. For my sister, she has a 50% chance of having the mutation, and the same for Bethany as well. I will talk about all this more later.
Blessings, to you all...
Kat
I had to take a lot of steroids before the treatment. 5 pills before bed and 5 more throughout the night. Waking up to take them was a pain, but I got through it. I had an appointment at the Plastic Surgeon for another fill up and they even gave me a coupon for a free facial when I done with treatment in celebration of breast cancer awareness month, that was very cool. Facials are not cheap. I will see if the pain from this fill up is the same as others, it usually kicks in while I am sleeping the first night and the next day. I also talked to the Plastic surgeon about having the reaction to the biopsy dye removed when he does my implant surgery. It caused a large mass right after my surgery in June, and though it as shrunk to about the size of a kidney bean, having it there (in almost the exact spot of my cancer) just reminds me of cancer. I put my fingers on it all the time and I told him that even though I know it is just dead tissue, I want it removed, even if it requires another small incision. I don't need it there for my emotional thought process. Once I explained this to him, he was great about saying they would do what they could to remove it. (and biopsy just to make sure there was not breast tissue in it.)
I went to the oncologist and started my IV. First anti-nausea meds (I didn't have to take any oral stuff for that this time, like my $100 a pill Emend tablets) Then I had 45 minutes of benedryl and steroids. It made me feel like I had been drinking. Though I haven't had alcohol in years (it has not been kind to me since I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome) I felt like I had had 2-3 glasses of wine. I have a chemo buddy named Barbara who is on the same exact schedule as I am and we chat through chemo. She was about an hour behind me today and described the exact same feeling. We giggled like kids as we watched each other stumble back and forth to the bathroom like drunks. After that they let me sit for a half hour and let the steroids kick in throughout my system.
Then it was time for the Taxol. The Dr. and nurse had warned of possible allergic reaction. They said if it was going to happen it would be in the first half hour. So the nurse sat right next to me for that time. She said, "if you have a reaction it will feel like you are dying, like a heart attack, mixed with asthma attack, mixed with panic attack, so just know that we will pull you out of it and you are not dying." I thought, "oh, great." I appreciated her bluntness though. (If you haven't figured that out about me, I don't like then sugar coated, just hit me with it. When someone asks me, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" I always opt for the bad news first.)
Anyway, I did just fine, no reaction. So after that she let me finish it out and besides numerous trips back and forth to the restroom (they put a LOT of fluids in you during chemo) I was OK. Tonight I am more than my usual tired, but have no nausea. Usually, I am eating all plain noodles and water, but tonight I had a regular meal with the family. If the body aches kick in (the biggest post treatment side effect for Taxol) I will likely experience them in the next 3 days. I have various pain killers on hand to deal them, depending on how bad they might be. I will likely need extra sleep in the next few days too.
Next time I will bring more food, snacks and stuff to do, it is a much longer day to fill. The good news is that I think I will be fine to drive myself back and forth (Jeff had to drop me off, go back to Blacksburg, work a few hours, get Bethany off the bus after school and come back to pick me up --about a 40 minute drive back and forth each way.) I was over the "drunk buzz" after about an hour into Taxol.
In other news, Jeff had first decided he would be at chemo with me all day, but logistics with the kids didn't work out that way today. This turned out to be a huge blessing because he got a contract written up for a contract that could pay him more than 5 months of his last year's salary. So we are anxious to have the client sign it and he is confident they likely will. This will allow him to definately be at home to work through the rest of my treatment and into next year. YEA!
Jeff's parents left for their annual trip to Israel yesterday. We haven't heard from them yet, but usually don't in the first few days. We still have no word on how Walt is responding to his treatment, but he has no side effects either.
Our house is starting drywall this week and is really getting exciting more and more each time we visit. We are still on track for a late November move in. I am now working out flooring picks. I finalized kitchen cabinets, countertops all the kitchen details last week. That was probably the biggest single element of the whole house design that required the most detail work (lets just say I am really good friends with the guy at Lowes who has been working on the kitchen with me) and I am glad to have it behind us for now.
Kids are doing great, they are both such a blessing each day. Liam is becoming quite a little boy now, very articulate, very musical. Bethany is becoming a young lady and displaying great maturity each day. They both got new shoes that light up, and think they are the greatest. I got a chance to babysit a 2 month old baby for a few hours on Monday (I jumped at the chance when the girl I work with said she needed a sitter for a few hours) I told her I would do it for free because I needed a baby fix. The kids were great with him, especially the mommy in training, Bethany. I got my baby fix for few hours. Hard to believe the kids were ever that small. Still not ready to close my heart on the possibilty of more kids in our future, but not for at least another 2 years. So for now, I will just go from baby fix to baby fix.
Lastly, I found out on Friday that I am positive for the BRC2 gene. I will explain more about this later and what it means, but briefly...Scientists have discovered 2 of what are likely many mutations in the DNA strand that are specifically linked to developing Breast cancer. They call them BRC1 and BRC2, but in the future there will likely be several more. People who carry this gene (yes, men and women) have a dramatically greater chance of developing Breast cancer in their lifetime. This stat goes up with age. For me at 31, it is about 25%, but goes up by 10-15% every decade of age. Well, guess what, I've already had Breast Cancer. Normally, if a person comes back positive for this mutation they have to decide what to do about it. Sometimes it is just aggressive monitoring, digital mammograms, MRI, ultrasound, other people become more aggressive, like having their breasts removed before any cancer develops or having a oopherectomy or hysterectomy (because it also causes an increase in ovarian cancer). Each person has to decide how aggressive they will be. Since I have already had both breasts removed and have already made the decision to have a hysterectomy if and when I have more kids, this doesn't have any further implications for my course of action. However, this has huge implications for the rest of my extended family and my sister and mom. They will both be tested and likely other members of my mom's side of the family, but at this point, my mom has to have the gene, so as you can imagine this is a little disconcerting for her. She will have to discuss with her doctors the implication of this for her. For my sister, she has a 50% chance of having the mutation, and the same for Bethany as well. I will talk about all this more later.
Blessings, to you all...
Kat
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