Today I had two doctors appointments. I met with the oncologist today. This was very important on many fronts. It was the first time Jeff got to meet Dr. McCoy. He is a gentle man with a great bedside manner. He talks in a soft tone and seems very loving and caring. Personally, I think he has one of the crappiest jobs in the world, but he is necessary and I'm glad he does what he does.
Here's the thing about the oncologists office. Unlike the other Drs. I have dealt with in this process there is really no good reason to go to an oncologist. I have been to surgeon's offices before as follow up from a birth or to have a mole removed. There is a hundred rather minor reasons to go the surgeon's office, it doesn't have to be that traumatic. Then there is the plastic surgeon's office. There is almost more good reasons to be in his office then bad. In the waiting room you see pamphlets for botox, boob enhancements, tummy tucks, and permanent make-up (I have since learned that is where they actually tattoo make-up, like eye liner, on so that it is permanent). However, as soon as you walk into the "Blue Ridge Cancer Center" i.e. the oncologists office, you know there is no good reason to be there. It gives me a pit in my stomach both times I've been in there. It is just a necessary evil in all this.
Having said all that, I got great news today. Some not great parts mixed in, but all stuff we can deal with. First, I am officially now considered a Stage 1 breast cancer patient. There is one better stage, stage 0, but I would have never been considered that because that is reserved for people who have a cancer that never goes outside the duct. Sometimes this is considered a "precancer". So I will take Stage 1. I am in this category because my tumor was less than 2 cm (officially considered 1.8 cm, because that is the measurement of the largest part) and my lymph nodes are negative. My cancer is progesterone and estrogen negative. This is bad, but not surprising. Almost all premenopausal women are negative for these hormones with their cancer. This matters because it means I will not benefit from long term medications that help deter cancer, like Tamoxifin. My HER rating is still undetermined. It came back negative on the surface, but he has ordered some additional tests on this to confirm this finding. We want this to be negative, because positive just increases my chances of reoccurrance. They also determined that my histological grade is 9 out of 9. This means that the tumor/cancer they removed is the most aggressive kind on all levels (very happy we found this when we did, or chances are it would have spread quickly).
This means that I will still do chemotherapy (which all parties had fully warned me of, so I am not surprised about) but it also means I will only have to do one type of chemo. As of now I am scheduled to do 4 rounds of AC chemo. (If you care to know more details of chemical names feel free to look it up online, I won't bore you with the details here.) Or there is a possibility if I qualify for a research study I will do 6 rounds of FED. A "round" means one treatment every 21 days. Why would I opt for the longer treatment? Being in a study means that you get equal to or GREATER treatment. In other words it would be at least as affective as the default treatment, but it might possibly be better. Also, being in a study allows you to be followed more closely for years to come. This would provide a little tighter screening for my future. I will know if I qualify for the study in the next few days. In either case I am scheduled for my first chemo on Thursday, August 3rd at 10 am. I have been told that chemo of this day and age is much better than chemo of even 10 years ago. Only 10% of patients experience some kind of nausea and they have great drugs for all that now. One of them is one that costs $100 a pill. We are hoping our insurance covers that, because we are told many do not. I was told that other than that I should expect a tired feeling 7-10 days after treatment because that is when your white blood cells tend to dip and you lose some of your "spunk." I am told that after 1 or 2 treatments, these cycles become quite predictable and you can begin to make plans around them.
Will I lose my hair? Almost definitely, yes. I know you probably know people who have not lost their hair during chemo, but with this drug and this type of chemo that fights specifically breast cancer, it is pretty much a guarantee. Dr. McCoy said, "I can't promise everything, but I can promise you will lose your hair." I'm bummed, but have already began to face that reality, so I will just have to decide if I am a wig, scarf, hat or bald kind of girl. Everyone embraces it differently. Here is the funny thing...your insurance covers the cost of a wig. He sent me home with a prescription for a "Cranial prosthetic" Yah, no kidding, that's what the prescription says.
The timing is good. They are encouraging our trip to go to Disney World (July 6-21) and allowing us to move into our new apartment (barely, we move in August 2nd) but I will take it.
They showed us around the chemo room and told me each of my treatments will be about 2 hours. I would love to set up some chemo buddies to come play games with me during that time if anyone is interested.
My second appointment was with my plastic surgeon. He removed all of my staples, YIPPEEE! So I am in no danger of setting off metal detectors any more. He said I am healing pretty nicely. The only problem spot is at the site of where they injected the dye for my biopsy. It is starting to form a pinkish spot which may indicate some of the tissue under the skin is dying. (Die as in death, not dye as in color) This is not good, but can be dealt with if it happens. Dealing with it involves cutting open the incision there, so you can imagine we want it to just get better. We are in a wait and see mode on that, but he is not majorly concerned. This is something that happens as a side affect to the dye they use and it is pretty much unavoidable.
For those of you who are curious about Jeff's dad's situation. He had tests this week and we will not know his course of treatment until at least next week. In the meantime, maybe we can encourage him to start his own blog. He has a great wit, I imagine his blog could be fun and inspiring.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Princess for a day
I did something yesterday I don't think I have ever done. I played with my daughter. I don't mean I have never played with my kids, but yesterday I threw caution to the wind and all day we spent chunks of time playing pretend. We pretended that Sleep Beauty was the guest of honor at a surprise party in her honor and we were getting ready for it all day. We drew pretend food. We laid a blanket on the floor and had a pretend fishing trip. We set a table for all the guests (all the other princesses of course.) We tried to have prince Eric help out (Liam) but he was not cooperating, so we quickly decided it was a girls' only party. By the end of the day we had planned quite an affair with pretend lemonade, pretend cake and pretend presents. After Liam went to bed we had the official "party". I wish you could see the look on Bethany's face when all the pretend guests showed up and we took turns serving them "food." It was the biggest smile I have EVER seen from her (christmas included) and it made we wonder why it takes something like cancer to make me start living. Why is it that we let life get in the way of living? I have had deep emotional thoughts as of late about what I am living for and why I am here on this earth. One of the first things on that list is my kids. I want to make more of this opportunities to throw caution to the wind and just be a princess once in a while. I will remember that day forever. I can't imagine real royalty would have felt any better than a mother and daughter eating "lego" cake and paper lemondade. It was the most delicious I have ever tasted.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Heavy Hearts
Yesterday was a good day for us in the beginning. We got a good report from my pathology report. I won't know the details of the hormone status, etc. until the full report comes out later, but the two biggest things I found out yesterday were great. The nodes were benign or clear for cancer and I have "clear margins" on the tumor. This means the Dr. was able to cut completely around it and there are no spidery roots or small pieces traveling out. This is also good because it means he didn't have to cut into the tumor at all in order to get it out. This helps with the likelihood of spreading, because anytime you have to cut into a tumor you risk the chance of small cells getting lose and spreading into the bloods stream. It turns out the tumor was less than 2 cm, in all it is about the size of an almond. We got home at 3:00 pm and felt like it was a good day. We even made the comment that it was the best day we had had in a while.
At 4:00 pm we received a call from Jeff's parents. Yesterday, Jeff's dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. We both felt like we had been punched in the stomach all over again. Can this really be happening to our family all over again? The all too familiar chorus of telling each other that more tests were needed and this could be fought was ringing through the house. I jumped on the web (on some of the same great sites I had become all too familiar with) and began facing down the new beast that invaded our family. I am a firm believer in being informed on the evils we face, like cancer. What's the expression, "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?"
Its the first time in all of this I have been mad at God. I know he doesn't promise us smooth waters in life. All you gotta do is look at Job, Jonah, or Paul in the Bible to realize this. But I feel like we have barely come up for air before another wave hits. I hate that I have to decide how much of this I can take on emotionally in order to preserve my own health, it makes me hurt just thinking about the choice.
I hurt for those of you who are being hit by a double whammy. There are many of you reading this who know both of us dearly. I just ask that you pray twice the prayers in coming months. I guess it will be easy to add another name to the same types of prayers you are giving for us. Jeff's dad's name is, Walt, for those of you who would like to add him to your lists. He is a wonderfully caring man, and I know from previous health issues, that he won't complain a bit and we won't know he's in pain, even if he is. If my husband continues to grow in his father's image I will consider myself wonderfully blessed. Jeff has grown up with a a true man as a father, who I know will confront this cancer with the same grace and perserverance he has with all areas of his life. I could only aspire to do the same.
As for the humor side of things. (there has to be for us even in the darkest moments, or we would sit around and feel sorry for ourselves way too much) We told Walt that even though he knew I was cool, the whole "trying to be like Kat" was being taken way too far, and in fact it is not cool to get cancer just because Kat has made cancer cool. We also told him we would purchase him his very own, "Cancer Sucks" t-shirt, but in blue, not pink.
At 4:00 pm we received a call from Jeff's parents. Yesterday, Jeff's dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. We both felt like we had been punched in the stomach all over again. Can this really be happening to our family all over again? The all too familiar chorus of telling each other that more tests were needed and this could be fought was ringing through the house. I jumped on the web (on some of the same great sites I had become all too familiar with) and began facing down the new beast that invaded our family. I am a firm believer in being informed on the evils we face, like cancer. What's the expression, "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?"
Its the first time in all of this I have been mad at God. I know he doesn't promise us smooth waters in life. All you gotta do is look at Job, Jonah, or Paul in the Bible to realize this. But I feel like we have barely come up for air before another wave hits. I hate that I have to decide how much of this I can take on emotionally in order to preserve my own health, it makes me hurt just thinking about the choice.
I hurt for those of you who are being hit by a double whammy. There are many of you reading this who know both of us dearly. I just ask that you pray twice the prayers in coming months. I guess it will be easy to add another name to the same types of prayers you are giving for us. Jeff's dad's name is, Walt, for those of you who would like to add him to your lists. He is a wonderfully caring man, and I know from previous health issues, that he won't complain a bit and we won't know he's in pain, even if he is. If my husband continues to grow in his father's image I will consider myself wonderfully blessed. Jeff has grown up with a a true man as a father, who I know will confront this cancer with the same grace and perserverance he has with all areas of his life. I could only aspire to do the same.
As for the humor side of things. (there has to be for us even in the darkest moments, or we would sit around and feel sorry for ourselves way too much) We told Walt that even though he knew I was cool, the whole "trying to be like Kat" was being taken way too far, and in fact it is not cool to get cancer just because Kat has made cancer cool. We also told him we would purchase him his very own, "Cancer Sucks" t-shirt, but in blue, not pink.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
No nodes, is good nodes
I know cheesy titles, I just can't resist. I don't have the full pathology report (I will get that when I go to the Dr. today to have my drains removed.) but the nurse called with the most important information. ALL NODES ARE NEGATIVE!!! Of the two nodes they had to remove with my surgery both came back negative for cancer. This is huge news and a great big PRAISE THE LORD! I will let you all know about the details of the other stuff like hormone receptors, HER, tumor size, margins, etc. when I get the full report. I have described these things in any early post if you are curious. Until then keep praying, Cancer had the first round, but I have the second and third rounds and Cancer is huddling in the corner without much strength left. He is going down!!!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Tighter hugs from a "Cinderella Girl"
Last night Jeff and I watched the movie, "Cinderella Man" Man, what a great movie. I must admit I am not a very big fan of the whole concept of boxing, it just is not a very intelligent sport to me. I do like the analogy it gives me in the fight against Cancer (see my earlier blogs). I am a big fan of the underdog sports movie, and this is a good one. I won't spoil it for all of you who haven't seen it, but basically it is a true story of a depression era boxer who must overcome great odds to achieve greatness. I felt like I was in the story. Everytime they had a boxing scene, I found myself yelling at the the screen, "TAKE THAT CANCER!", "YOU WANT SOME MORE? HOW 'BOUT THIS, WHAM!" Jeff was laughing at me, but I must say it was quite cathartic. I would highly recommend the flick to those of you who haven't seen it yet. The last half of the movie is my journey through chemo. I'm going to consider myself Cinderella Girl for a while.
I have learned a nice little side effect of not having breasts for a while. You get to hug people closer. Now that I am not in much pain, I can hug again. Everytime Jeff hugs me, I keep telling him he can squeeze harder, and it is strange because I can hug him tighter than ever before. It is a simple blessing in the midst of all this that I quite enjoy.
Today, I am feeling pretty good. I have very little pain. I have made the transition from narcotics to simple over-the-counter tylenol. It makes me feel better not to feel doped up all the time. I feel like I have a tight rope tied around my chest, similar to the feeling you get when you have a chest cold, almost like I am on the verge of a cough all the time. Once I can get the sleeping thing down, I will be golden. I still have to sleep on my back, and since I am not a "back-sleeper" I wake up with a knot in the back. I think once all my staples are removed this problem will be resolved. The good news is that I am not having to wake up Jeff in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed, I have been able to get myself up by myself the last two nights. This is a simple thing that gives me more of my independence back. The only odd thing about all this is that I am experiencing "phantom breast pain." I had heard about this, like people who have an itch in a leg that haven't had for years, and it is true. Occassionally, I will reach to scratch an itch on a breast that doesn't exist anymore. I have a constant feeling like I am breast-feeding. (I know that sounds really odd, but to those women who have breast fed, you will know the exact feeling I am talking about.) I wonder if this is a post-surgery thing, or if I will always have these sensations.
(warning: the following paragraph is a little yucky) I have two drains left. Though they are not painful in anyway that are about as gross as you might imagine. I have two small holes in my chest that have clear tubes coming out of them. At the end of about 18 inches of tubing is two clear egg-shaped clear bulbs that "stuff" drains into. The sad part is that all this stuff is clear, so you get to see it. why they need to do this, I am not sure. The funny thing is that one is always blue (the left side where the tumor was) because it is still draining the blue dye leftover from my sentinal node biopsy. I get the pleasure of measuring and dumping the contents of the drains several times a day. I had 4 at the beginning. 2 were taken out on friday and the other 2 will come out on tuesday. As I am sure you can imagine, I am quite anxious for their removal.
As far as my environment, we are doing great. We have an amazing church family that has been blessed with awesome cooks. We have yet to receive a meal that we don't like, it makes me want to milk the cancer thing as long as possible. At this rate I will make up for the lost stress weight in no time. :)
Though I would not wish cancer on anyone, I wish everyone could experience the love and blessings we have in the last 2 weeks. I have friends I haven't spoken to in years offering to drop everything and come stay with us. I have gifts, meals and flowers coming from people I barely know and people who have a permanent home in my heart from different milestones in my life. I imagine this is how if feels to have your "15 minutes of fame", I just love hearing from people. Please keep your notes and emails coming. Especially as I enter the chemo phase, I know we will need the daily encouragement. It really feeds my soul.
I think all the work of having to be two parents and two adults is taking its toll on my dear hubby, though he would never let on to it. He has been amazingly gracious and a true definition of what it means to stick to the vows, "in sickness and in health." I keep telling Bethany when she grows up she needs to pick a man just like her daddy and she will be just fine. Please send him your humor and wishes as he continues to do the job of two people. He is truly a vessel for God's joy and strength at this time. His sense of humor keeps me up. When he first saw my "new chest" in the doctor's office, he looked straight at my face and said, "you're beautiful" and the crazy thing is, I know he meant it.
That's all from the Werner-front today. We are hoping to get the full pathology report tomorrow. I will keep you up to date with definitions and explanations. On friday I have my first oncologist's visit, though he is a nice dr., it is not a visit I am looking forward to. Keep praying, it sure works. -- Kat
I have learned a nice little side effect of not having breasts for a while. You get to hug people closer. Now that I am not in much pain, I can hug again. Everytime Jeff hugs me, I keep telling him he can squeeze harder, and it is strange because I can hug him tighter than ever before. It is a simple blessing in the midst of all this that I quite enjoy.
Today, I am feeling pretty good. I have very little pain. I have made the transition from narcotics to simple over-the-counter tylenol. It makes me feel better not to feel doped up all the time. I feel like I have a tight rope tied around my chest, similar to the feeling you get when you have a chest cold, almost like I am on the verge of a cough all the time. Once I can get the sleeping thing down, I will be golden. I still have to sleep on my back, and since I am not a "back-sleeper" I wake up with a knot in the back. I think once all my staples are removed this problem will be resolved. The good news is that I am not having to wake up Jeff in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed, I have been able to get myself up by myself the last two nights. This is a simple thing that gives me more of my independence back. The only odd thing about all this is that I am experiencing "phantom breast pain." I had heard about this, like people who have an itch in a leg that haven't had for years, and it is true. Occassionally, I will reach to scratch an itch on a breast that doesn't exist anymore. I have a constant feeling like I am breast-feeding. (I know that sounds really odd, but to those women who have breast fed, you will know the exact feeling I am talking about.) I wonder if this is a post-surgery thing, or if I will always have these sensations.
(warning: the following paragraph is a little yucky) I have two drains left. Though they are not painful in anyway that are about as gross as you might imagine. I have two small holes in my chest that have clear tubes coming out of them. At the end of about 18 inches of tubing is two clear egg-shaped clear bulbs that "stuff" drains into. The sad part is that all this stuff is clear, so you get to see it. why they need to do this, I am not sure. The funny thing is that one is always blue (the left side where the tumor was) because it is still draining the blue dye leftover from my sentinal node biopsy. I get the pleasure of measuring and dumping the contents of the drains several times a day. I had 4 at the beginning. 2 were taken out on friday and the other 2 will come out on tuesday. As I am sure you can imagine, I am quite anxious for their removal.
As far as my environment, we are doing great. We have an amazing church family that has been blessed with awesome cooks. We have yet to receive a meal that we don't like, it makes me want to milk the cancer thing as long as possible. At this rate I will make up for the lost stress weight in no time. :)
Though I would not wish cancer on anyone, I wish everyone could experience the love and blessings we have in the last 2 weeks. I have friends I haven't spoken to in years offering to drop everything and come stay with us. I have gifts, meals and flowers coming from people I barely know and people who have a permanent home in my heart from different milestones in my life. I imagine this is how if feels to have your "15 minutes of fame", I just love hearing from people. Please keep your notes and emails coming. Especially as I enter the chemo phase, I know we will need the daily encouragement. It really feeds my soul.
I think all the work of having to be two parents and two adults is taking its toll on my dear hubby, though he would never let on to it. He has been amazingly gracious and a true definition of what it means to stick to the vows, "in sickness and in health." I keep telling Bethany when she grows up she needs to pick a man just like her daddy and she will be just fine. Please send him your humor and wishes as he continues to do the job of two people. He is truly a vessel for God's joy and strength at this time. His sense of humor keeps me up. When he first saw my "new chest" in the doctor's office, he looked straight at my face and said, "you're beautiful" and the crazy thing is, I know he meant it.
That's all from the Werner-front today. We are hoping to get the full pathology report tomorrow. I will keep you up to date with definitions and explanations. On friday I have my first oncologist's visit, though he is a nice dr., it is not a visit I am looking forward to. Keep praying, it sure works. -- Kat
Friday, June 23, 2006
I'm back, did you miss me?
To all my faithful prayer warriors out there, I thank God for you a thousand times over. I can't believe it has only been 48 hours since my surgery, and even crazier to me that it has only been 2 weeks from today that I got my cancer diagnosis. I wanted to take a few minutes to share with you all about some "God sightings" I have had in the last few days as I go through this journey.
I have had 2 c-sections (one under general anesthesia, one with a a spinal). So I had experienced anesthesia and its nasty side effects in the past. I was least looking forward to the constant vomiting that comes as soon as you wake up from surgery. The first person I spoke to the morning of the surgery was the anethesiologist and I shared with her my concerns. She promised me that she had 4 different meds to combat nausea and instead of using one or two, she would give me all 4. I fully expected to wake up from my surgery with a vomit or two, but in 48 hours and counting I have not thrown up once. This is a big deal for me, because I personally find the nausea much harder to deal with the the pain. Also, the last thing my chest needed after being torn apart, was frequent heaving. This is a huge praise for me, thanks God.
The morning of my surgery I was anxious, to say the least. My dear sister, Lara, woke up and came to the hospital to pray with Jeff and I. My kindred spirit, Pamela, called me on my way the hospital to pray with us. This was the first time I allowed myself to even think about the surgery itself. I had been so focused on the cancer and its repercussions, that I hadn't really thought about the surgery itself. I realized it was going to suck, but that I was going to be OK. I said goodbye to Jeff and Lara in the pre-op area and the wheeled me into the presurgery "holding" area. This area was a surreal place. It is a giant room with people "parked" in spaces all waiting for their respective surgeons to come and wheel them into their respective room. The only thing separating all of us was curtains, but most of them weren't closed at all. Of a room of about 15 patients, there was only one other person in the room even close to my age. She and my eyes met and we smiled. I don't know what her surgery was, but I have a distinct feeling she was feeling the same way I was at that moment. The anethesiologist came and spoke to me. Then the surgical nurse came and spoke to me. I remember her because her name was Charlotte and we had a discussion about the remake of "Charlotte's Web". Last, my surgeon Dr. Williams came in. He briefly explained to me what his part of th surgery was going to entail. He also explained to me about the sentinal node biopsy, where the inject dye into my tumor and track where it goes. I had assumed that you didn't want to it go anywhere, but he explained that we wanted to see it go to at least a few nodes, otherwise we would have to remove dozens of them to attempt a roulette game in figuring out where or how the cancer could have spread. He said, "in a perfect world you will have more than zero, but less than 4." In my world I had 2. He asked if he could pray over me, "um, heck yah!" and Charlotte joined in with excitement. I realized that I was going to be surrounded in brothers and sisters in Christ in my surgery. My last prayer was that God would cut out the fear in my hear along with the cancer. That was the last thing I remember.
I woke up in the recovery room in complete peace. For those of you who have ever had surgery you know that this in itself is a miracle. You are disoriented, groggy, in pain and general freaked out. When I woke up from my first C-section, Jeff was in the room with me and he said I was a mess. I cried, I was disoriented I was speaking gibberish, and I was throwing up. None of that with this surgery. Now here's the major God part, I knew the cancer was gone. None of the nurses that were caring for me were in my surgery, so none of them knew the status of my tumor or nodes. I didn't need to know, God gave me THAT peace. You know the mythical one that he talks about in scripture, the one that "transcends all understanding", yep that's the one. I don't remember another moment in my life having ever experienced THE peace the he describes, but I know he was there with me that day. I really do feel like he cut out the fear with my tumor, it is almost unbelievable had I not experienced it.
When Jeff saw me as they wheeled me into my room he said I was beaming, smiling and laughing. He assumed they had told me the good news of my surgery. It had been an hour and a half since my surgery, and I still didn't know. After a few minutes of talking, he shared with me about the 2 nodes and the fact that the doctor didn't see the tumor. He was shocked that I was in such a good mood even though I was in lots of pain and didn't know the good news.
Nowadays when you have surgery they usually give you this little morphine button to self-control your own pain meds. I have learned from my c-sections that believe it or not, the less you press the button, the better. Morphine makes me feel sick and for me the pain is easier than the yuck feeling, so I opted for very little pain meds while I was in the hospital. I was given the options of vicatin, percaset or tylenol with codeine. I opted for the least, tylenol. My surgeon thought I was nuts, but it has the least side affects and I have had the best results with it from previous use. I am very glad even as I write this, that I made that decision.
My night "sleeping" in the hospital was necessary, but difficult. I had these boots on all night that compress your feel all night at frequent intervals to prevent blood clotting. I also had on the world's worst thigh high pantyhose (same purpose). In addition to all this fun, I had to sleep with my head elevated and every hour they came in to my room to take my temp, blood pressure and empty my drains (more on the fun of drains later). I also had the pleasure of having someone monitor and measure my hourly urination. (Yah, I know, your jealous, why does Kat get all the fun?) I overheard an older man in the hallway saying, "now I know why they call it the 'rest home' because at least there they let me sleep." There were some people who were shocked to hear I wanted to leave the hospital after 24 hours, but I would not have any sleep had I stayed there any longer.
I had wonderful nurses and doctors. Let me say as a side note, if you ever have to spend time in the hospital just remember that the nurses have a job to serve you, but they also have a heart. I have learned that you respect your caretakers and they will respect you. I went above and beyond to be kind. Not because I think I am better than anyone, but because I know you don't want to bite the hand that feeds you, or in this case, the hand that sticks a needle in you. A special thanks goes out to Ken, a special nurse who searched the hospital at midnight for me to find two containers of chocolate ice cream. Ken, you are my hero.
We left the hospital and went straight to the plastic surgeons office. This was a big deal, because this would be the first time Jeff and I saw what remains of my chest. I know this should have been a much bigger deal. I know I should be mourning the loss of "my girls" (the surgeon's words, not mine) but the fact is, I'm over it. Bring on the silicone implants. I think part of it is exhaustion mixed with raw pain, but I also know that it is the reality that what I see on my chest right now is not the end product. It is not, "I have breasts, therefore I am." (thank God for that) I will not have to plow through life with dozens of staples lined up across my chest (for the record staples are uglier than stitches, you can't help but feel like frankenstein). I also have these four tubes running out from my sides that drain excess fluid into these egg shaped clear bulbs. It is gross, but not as bad as I thought, because a lot of it is blue since it is draining the leftover blue dye from my biopsy. After checking out the damage done, they wrapped me back up, gave Jeff fun instructions on how to care for me and "my drains" and sent us on our way. Today we went back and had 2 drains removed. I have 2 left for the weekend fun.
As of this moment, I am tired, stiff, but overall feeling well, all things considered. I feel a lot like I did in high school when I use to lift weights for softball. Every couple weeks the trainer would add weight to our bench press and we would feel sore and stiff for a few days after. That is very similar to how I feel now. I am anxious to get the last drains out (Tuesday) and staples (next week) because I can't sleep on my side with them (they dig in too much).
Our next big milestone will be receiving the full pathology report on both breasts and the 2 nodes. Our prayer is that there is no cancer in the nodes and "clear margins" on the tumor. This means that the tumor has a specifically defined edge and no "spider like" legs reaching out anywhere. This means in is contained to the tissue removed and much less likely to have spread anywhere.
That is all for tonight. I will update you with more tomorrow. To all of you who have sent goodies and meals to fill my stomach and soul, I am deeply thankful. (Rachel your comfort food box hit the nail on the head). Love, Kat
I have had 2 c-sections (one under general anesthesia, one with a a spinal). So I had experienced anesthesia and its nasty side effects in the past. I was least looking forward to the constant vomiting that comes as soon as you wake up from surgery. The first person I spoke to the morning of the surgery was the anethesiologist and I shared with her my concerns. She promised me that she had 4 different meds to combat nausea and instead of using one or two, she would give me all 4. I fully expected to wake up from my surgery with a vomit or two, but in 48 hours and counting I have not thrown up once. This is a big deal for me, because I personally find the nausea much harder to deal with the the pain. Also, the last thing my chest needed after being torn apart, was frequent heaving. This is a huge praise for me, thanks God.
The morning of my surgery I was anxious, to say the least. My dear sister, Lara, woke up and came to the hospital to pray with Jeff and I. My kindred spirit, Pamela, called me on my way the hospital to pray with us. This was the first time I allowed myself to even think about the surgery itself. I had been so focused on the cancer and its repercussions, that I hadn't really thought about the surgery itself. I realized it was going to suck, but that I was going to be OK. I said goodbye to Jeff and Lara in the pre-op area and the wheeled me into the presurgery "holding" area. This area was a surreal place. It is a giant room with people "parked" in spaces all waiting for their respective surgeons to come and wheel them into their respective room. The only thing separating all of us was curtains, but most of them weren't closed at all. Of a room of about 15 patients, there was only one other person in the room even close to my age. She and my eyes met and we smiled. I don't know what her surgery was, but I have a distinct feeling she was feeling the same way I was at that moment. The anethesiologist came and spoke to me. Then the surgical nurse came and spoke to me. I remember her because her name was Charlotte and we had a discussion about the remake of "Charlotte's Web". Last, my surgeon Dr. Williams came in. He briefly explained to me what his part of th surgery was going to entail. He also explained to me about the sentinal node biopsy, where the inject dye into my tumor and track where it goes. I had assumed that you didn't want to it go anywhere, but he explained that we wanted to see it go to at least a few nodes, otherwise we would have to remove dozens of them to attempt a roulette game in figuring out where or how the cancer could have spread. He said, "in a perfect world you will have more than zero, but less than 4." In my world I had 2. He asked if he could pray over me, "um, heck yah!" and Charlotte joined in with excitement. I realized that I was going to be surrounded in brothers and sisters in Christ in my surgery. My last prayer was that God would cut out the fear in my hear along with the cancer. That was the last thing I remember.
I woke up in the recovery room in complete peace. For those of you who have ever had surgery you know that this in itself is a miracle. You are disoriented, groggy, in pain and general freaked out. When I woke up from my first C-section, Jeff was in the room with me and he said I was a mess. I cried, I was disoriented I was speaking gibberish, and I was throwing up. None of that with this surgery. Now here's the major God part, I knew the cancer was gone. None of the nurses that were caring for me were in my surgery, so none of them knew the status of my tumor or nodes. I didn't need to know, God gave me THAT peace. You know the mythical one that he talks about in scripture, the one that "transcends all understanding", yep that's the one. I don't remember another moment in my life having ever experienced THE peace the he describes, but I know he was there with me that day. I really do feel like he cut out the fear with my tumor, it is almost unbelievable had I not experienced it.
When Jeff saw me as they wheeled me into my room he said I was beaming, smiling and laughing. He assumed they had told me the good news of my surgery. It had been an hour and a half since my surgery, and I still didn't know. After a few minutes of talking, he shared with me about the 2 nodes and the fact that the doctor didn't see the tumor. He was shocked that I was in such a good mood even though I was in lots of pain and didn't know the good news.
Nowadays when you have surgery they usually give you this little morphine button to self-control your own pain meds. I have learned from my c-sections that believe it or not, the less you press the button, the better. Morphine makes me feel sick and for me the pain is easier than the yuck feeling, so I opted for very little pain meds while I was in the hospital. I was given the options of vicatin, percaset or tylenol with codeine. I opted for the least, tylenol. My surgeon thought I was nuts, but it has the least side affects and I have had the best results with it from previous use. I am very glad even as I write this, that I made that decision.
My night "sleeping" in the hospital was necessary, but difficult. I had these boots on all night that compress your feel all night at frequent intervals to prevent blood clotting. I also had on the world's worst thigh high pantyhose (same purpose). In addition to all this fun, I had to sleep with my head elevated and every hour they came in to my room to take my temp, blood pressure and empty my drains (more on the fun of drains later). I also had the pleasure of having someone monitor and measure my hourly urination. (Yah, I know, your jealous, why does Kat get all the fun?) I overheard an older man in the hallway saying, "now I know why they call it the 'rest home' because at least there they let me sleep." There were some people who were shocked to hear I wanted to leave the hospital after 24 hours, but I would not have any sleep had I stayed there any longer.
I had wonderful nurses and doctors. Let me say as a side note, if you ever have to spend time in the hospital just remember that the nurses have a job to serve you, but they also have a heart. I have learned that you respect your caretakers and they will respect you. I went above and beyond to be kind. Not because I think I am better than anyone, but because I know you don't want to bite the hand that feeds you, or in this case, the hand that sticks a needle in you. A special thanks goes out to Ken, a special nurse who searched the hospital at midnight for me to find two containers of chocolate ice cream. Ken, you are my hero.
We left the hospital and went straight to the plastic surgeons office. This was a big deal, because this would be the first time Jeff and I saw what remains of my chest. I know this should have been a much bigger deal. I know I should be mourning the loss of "my girls" (the surgeon's words, not mine) but the fact is, I'm over it. Bring on the silicone implants. I think part of it is exhaustion mixed with raw pain, but I also know that it is the reality that what I see on my chest right now is not the end product. It is not, "I have breasts, therefore I am." (thank God for that) I will not have to plow through life with dozens of staples lined up across my chest (for the record staples are uglier than stitches, you can't help but feel like frankenstein). I also have these four tubes running out from my sides that drain excess fluid into these egg shaped clear bulbs. It is gross, but not as bad as I thought, because a lot of it is blue since it is draining the leftover blue dye from my biopsy. After checking out the damage done, they wrapped me back up, gave Jeff fun instructions on how to care for me and "my drains" and sent us on our way. Today we went back and had 2 drains removed. I have 2 left for the weekend fun.
As of this moment, I am tired, stiff, but overall feeling well, all things considered. I feel a lot like I did in high school when I use to lift weights for softball. Every couple weeks the trainer would add weight to our bench press and we would feel sore and stiff for a few days after. That is very similar to how I feel now. I am anxious to get the last drains out (Tuesday) and staples (next week) because I can't sleep on my side with them (they dig in too much).
Our next big milestone will be receiving the full pathology report on both breasts and the 2 nodes. Our prayer is that there is no cancer in the nodes and "clear margins" on the tumor. This means that the tumor has a specifically defined edge and no "spider like" legs reaching out anywhere. This means in is contained to the tissue removed and much less likely to have spread anywhere.
That is all for tonight. I will update you with more tomorrow. To all of you who have sent goodies and meals to fill my stomach and soul, I am deeply thankful. (Rachel your comfort food box hit the nail on the head). Love, Kat
Kat is home (Guest blogger: Jeff)
Kat came home yesterday at abut 4:00 pm. I'm sure you'll forgive us for not immediately updating the blog last night ;-)
After being discharged from the hospital at about 2:00, we went directly to the plastic surgeon for a follow up and a bandage change. He said the incisions looked great, and today we will return to see him to get a oupld of drainage tubes removed. (The tubes are sticking out of Kat's side to allow any fluid build up to safe drain out of her into these little collection thingies - that's the modeical term, of course. The tubes are not painful, but they really look weird.)
Kat is not doped up - the only pain medications she wanted was tylenol with codine. This has been adequate for the pain and she does not get the nausea that comes with other meds. She is also enjoying the rest. It's crazy that in a hospital, they wake you up every two hours to check your vitals. Anyway, there will probably be more later today...
After being discharged from the hospital at about 2:00, we went directly to the plastic surgeon for a follow up and a bandage change. He said the incisions looked great, and today we will return to see him to get a oupld of drainage tubes removed. (The tubes are sticking out of Kat's side to allow any fluid build up to safe drain out of her into these little collection thingies - that's the modeical term, of course. The tubes are not painful, but they really look weird.)
Kat is not doped up - the only pain medications she wanted was tylenol with codine. This has been adequate for the pain and she does not get the nausea that comes with other meds. She is also enjoying the rest. It's crazy that in a hospital, they wake you up every two hours to check your vitals. Anyway, there will probably be more later today...
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Surgery is done, Kat's fine. (Guest blogger: Jeff)
Here's the short version:
The surgery was about as good as we could have hoped for and we are very optimistic! Kat is feeling good!
The long version:
During the surgery, Dr. Williams used a relatively new technology (3 or 4 years old) that injected blue dye and radioactive material into her breast at the area of the tumor. The doctor watched where the dye went and tracked it with a geigercounter and found that only two lymph nodes were connected. These two lymph nodes were removed and will be tested for cancerous cells. The great news here is that according to the doctor, any less than four is considered good news - the less nodes connected, the less likely the cancer spread. However, getting zero nodes is also bad, because then the doctor would take out 20 nodes as a safety. So 1 or 2 is ideal.
Also, these nodes are not necessarily cancerous - this is important to remember. We will be waiting for the pathology report to come back over the next 3-7 days to tell us. We are praying for negative results, which would make it even more unlikely the cancer spread.
Now for the tumor itself. The doctor never saw it because when he did the mastectomy, the tumor was contained inside. This is also great news because we did not want the local tumor to have spidered past the breast tissue into the muscle and chest. I imagine they will analyze the tumor at a later date.
Kat is recovering and does not even feel nausea. She will be in the hospital overnight and may come home tomorrow (I better go start cleaning...)
Many people have asked for the hospital address to send flowers. She will likely miss any delivery, so you may want to send something on Friday to our home address:
2689 Blossom Trail East, Blacksburg, VA 24060
Thanks everyone for the support. Hopefully the next entry will be Kat's, and you know it'll be a good read.
The surgery was about as good as we could have hoped for and we are very optimistic! Kat is feeling good!
The long version:
During the surgery, Dr. Williams used a relatively new technology (3 or 4 years old) that injected blue dye and radioactive material into her breast at the area of the tumor. The doctor watched where the dye went and tracked it with a geigercounter and found that only two lymph nodes were connected. These two lymph nodes were removed and will be tested for cancerous cells. The great news here is that according to the doctor, any less than four is considered good news - the less nodes connected, the less likely the cancer spread. However, getting zero nodes is also bad, because then the doctor would take out 20 nodes as a safety. So 1 or 2 is ideal.
Also, these nodes are not necessarily cancerous - this is important to remember. We will be waiting for the pathology report to come back over the next 3-7 days to tell us. We are praying for negative results, which would make it even more unlikely the cancer spread.
Now for the tumor itself. The doctor never saw it because when he did the mastectomy, the tumor was contained inside. This is also great news because we did not want the local tumor to have spidered past the breast tissue into the muscle and chest. I imagine they will analyze the tumor at a later date.
Kat is recovering and does not even feel nausea. She will be in the hospital overnight and may come home tomorrow (I better go start cleaning...)
Many people have asked for the hospital address to send flowers. She will likely miss any delivery, so you may want to send something on Friday to our home address:
2689 Blossom Trail East, Blacksburg, VA 24060
Thanks everyone for the support. Hopefully the next entry will be Kat's, and you know it'll be a good read.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
God is in the details...
For those of you who have asked...
My surgery is scheduled for 7:30, it will last about 2 hours for the mastectomy, and 2 hours for the reconstruction. I will be in recovery for an hour so, all said and done, it should be about 6 hours.
I will be in the hospital for 24-48 hours depending on my recovery and pain management. I know this seems short, but believe it or not your chance for infection actually increases the longer you stay in the hospital.
Yes, I will have a private room.
No, I will frankly not be up for visitors that are not family.
Yes, Jeff will let you know when I am coming home.
My surgery is scheduled for 7:30, it will last about 2 hours for the mastectomy, and 2 hours for the reconstruction. I will be in recovery for an hour so, all said and done, it should be about 6 hours.
I will be in the hospital for 24-48 hours depending on my recovery and pain management. I know this seems short, but believe it or not your chance for infection actually increases the longer you stay in the hospital.
Yes, I will have a private room.
No, I will frankly not be up for visitors that are not family.
Yes, Jeff will let you know when I am coming home.
How to Lose 10 pounds in 10 days
I've got a new diet for you. I am pretty sure none of the celebs are willing trying it, and I would not recommend it. It was a diet that found me, I didn't look for it. I like to call it the "Diagnosed with Breast Cancer Diet." Step one....try to lose weight by doing all the right things like exercise and diet after you have two kids. Step two....resign yourself to your permanent post baby weight and embrace the new you. Step three...get a nasty phone call that brings your life to a screeching halt, telling you have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Step four...be so sick to your stomach that you can't imagine putting any fattenting food in your mouth for fear that it will "feed" the cancer. Step five...go to the doctor the day before your surgery and find out you've lost 10 pounds in 10 days since diagnosis.
I know some of you may not appreciate by dry sense of humor, but it helps me cope. Yes, I have been eating, I just frankly have very little appetite and have to remind myself to feed when meal time rolls around. I am not that concerned about it, as I hear that you gain weight when chemo rolls around.
So today is the last day before my big surgery tomorrow. I remember the last two times I entered the hospital, I was excited that despite coming into the hospital to "go under the knife" I got to come out with a prize in the end, my two kids. All the pain seemed just a minor nuisance to getting my kids into the world. I don't feel like that with this one. Though I am trying to convince myself I am just getting a boob-job tomorrow, the voice of reason kicks in and reminds me that I never wanted a boob-job, and oh, by the way, I have cancer.
Today we walked into Lewis-Gale Hospital in Salem, VA for the first time. I have only been in this hospital one other time and was to visit my sister when she was having one of her kids. I felt sick the moment we walked in. It was probably not the smartest thing in the world that I had not eaten breakfast, but I would not have been hungry for it anyway. I fought the urge to vomit the whole time we were there. Jeff and I went to the hospital so I could do all my presurgery tests, blood work, xrays, etc. I signed every consent form imaginable. (I am not completely sure but somewhere in there I think I agreed to run for office) After promising my first born, donating time to the blood taker people, (they are officially called phlebotomists, which I think is such a fun word to say) and hearing about every possible side effect or danger with the surgery I was about to embark upon. (I'll admit I didn't read every line of every form, so hopefully I am not agreeing to let them perform medical experiments on me) We left.
Today, I feel heavy hearted. My heart aches to get the best possible news. My heart aches to hear all the cancer is out, the margins are clear, the lymph nodes are clear, and my uninvited guest has been kicked to the curb, with its bags sitting next to him.
I will have to be at the hospital at 5:45 am tomorrow. I will leave my house at 5:00 am. I haven't had to rise that early since my Northern VA Starbucks days (a special sentiment goes out to my dear Manassas Junction Starbucks friends that have sent me such heart-felt love. ) For those of you who don't realize it, Starbucks may be expensive, but you can receive a ton of love with each one of those lattes, I know that first hand. To my prayer warriors out there, I wish I could give you some special code to go to your local starbucks and get a coffee on me when you get up to pray tomorrow. Just know that I would be happy to send a pound of coffee to anyone who asks.
Dear Lord, I pray that your peace will meet me at the door of the hospital, that Drs. Williams & Breiner will be guided by you as the ultimate healer, that even if they can't see it, they will instinctively remove all cancer and with it all the fear in my heart. Lord, I ask that you be with my dear kindred family and friends that they would not feel anxiety, but feel your arms embrace them in the best hug ever. Lord, I pray for my kids that they may never know the fear of losing a parent too early, or the ache of a cancer in their bodies and that my life could serve as a light to those near and far that each one who knows me would know that I serve a God who knows, loves and cares for me dearly. Amen
Stay tuned tomorrow, for a special presentation from my guest blogger and world-renowned husband, Jeff. He will try to put an update up for all of you tomorrow night. Until then I am thankful for sleeping pills and pain killers. -- Kat
I know some of you may not appreciate by dry sense of humor, but it helps me cope. Yes, I have been eating, I just frankly have very little appetite and have to remind myself to feed when meal time rolls around. I am not that concerned about it, as I hear that you gain weight when chemo rolls around.
So today is the last day before my big surgery tomorrow. I remember the last two times I entered the hospital, I was excited that despite coming into the hospital to "go under the knife" I got to come out with a prize in the end, my two kids. All the pain seemed just a minor nuisance to getting my kids into the world. I don't feel like that with this one. Though I am trying to convince myself I am just getting a boob-job tomorrow, the voice of reason kicks in and reminds me that I never wanted a boob-job, and oh, by the way, I have cancer.
Today we walked into Lewis-Gale Hospital in Salem, VA for the first time. I have only been in this hospital one other time and was to visit my sister when she was having one of her kids. I felt sick the moment we walked in. It was probably not the smartest thing in the world that I had not eaten breakfast, but I would not have been hungry for it anyway. I fought the urge to vomit the whole time we were there. Jeff and I went to the hospital so I could do all my presurgery tests, blood work, xrays, etc. I signed every consent form imaginable. (I am not completely sure but somewhere in there I think I agreed to run for office) After promising my first born, donating time to the blood taker people, (they are officially called phlebotomists, which I think is such a fun word to say) and hearing about every possible side effect or danger with the surgery I was about to embark upon. (I'll admit I didn't read every line of every form, so hopefully I am not agreeing to let them perform medical experiments on me) We left.
Today, I feel heavy hearted. My heart aches to get the best possible news. My heart aches to hear all the cancer is out, the margins are clear, the lymph nodes are clear, and my uninvited guest has been kicked to the curb, with its bags sitting next to him.
I will have to be at the hospital at 5:45 am tomorrow. I will leave my house at 5:00 am. I haven't had to rise that early since my Northern VA Starbucks days (a special sentiment goes out to my dear Manassas Junction Starbucks friends that have sent me such heart-felt love. ) For those of you who don't realize it, Starbucks may be expensive, but you can receive a ton of love with each one of those lattes, I know that first hand. To my prayer warriors out there, I wish I could give you some special code to go to your local starbucks and get a coffee on me when you get up to pray tomorrow. Just know that I would be happy to send a pound of coffee to anyone who asks.
Dear Lord, I pray that your peace will meet me at the door of the hospital, that Drs. Williams & Breiner will be guided by you as the ultimate healer, that even if they can't see it, they will instinctively remove all cancer and with it all the fear in my heart. Lord, I ask that you be with my dear kindred family and friends that they would not feel anxiety, but feel your arms embrace them in the best hug ever. Lord, I pray for my kids that they may never know the fear of losing a parent too early, or the ache of a cancer in their bodies and that my life could serve as a light to those near and far that each one who knows me would know that I serve a God who knows, loves and cares for me dearly. Amen
Stay tuned tomorrow, for a special presentation from my guest blogger and world-renowned husband, Jeff. He will try to put an update up for all of you tomorrow night. Until then I am thankful for sleeping pills and pain killers. -- Kat
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Family pics
(I removed the pics for more server space, sorry)
Here are some pictures of all of us taken just this week. Since some of you haven't seen me in years, or haven't met my great hubbie and kids, I thought I would show them off a little.
Here are some pictures of all of us taken just this week. Since some of you haven't seen me in years, or haven't met my great hubbie and kids, I thought I would show them off a little.
Happy Father's Day
Happy father's day to all you dad's out there. I keep thinking this is a crappy what for Jeff to celebrate father's day, but he deserves to have a great day, because he is great father.
I had another moment of panic/meltdown last night. I have come to realize that the quiet moments of life are almost my enemy right now. The worst is when I am in bed at night, or alone doing something simple, like folding laundry. I know I need to fill my heart with positive thoughts, hope and optimism. Its funny, I was describing it to Jeff last night and I feel like I am having this on-going dialogue with God that is like a job interview. I feel like I need to tell him all the reasons why He wants to keep me on this earth. I tell him all my assets and goals as well as all the ministry things I'm involved in. Like God will suddenly go, "Wow, she's right, I do need her down there longer." I know intellectually none of really deserve to be here or that we can claim that we are any more important than anyone else, but there is that side of me that is the same part in all of us that prays that "just once, God, give me an A on my test and I'll do something for you." As if God needs us for anything.
The waiting game is the worst part. I feel like the last week has been the longest week of my life. I just want to get on with my surgery. Then once I have the surgery I will have to wait 4 or 5 more days for the lab results. Then I will wait 5 more days to meet with the oncologist to develop a plan of attack. The waiting is rough. Other cancer survivors warn you about this, and boy are they right.
I have also learned a very key thing in the last two days. DO NOT READ STATS & WEB SITES! There is nothing this info can do for me and it just makes me feel like I have the exception to every stat. I want to do research on the lastest developments, but there is no way to do this without sorting through the bad news too, and it just makes me more anxious.
Today, I will try to stay busy and get out of the house, I think celebrating Jeff will be the best medicine.
I had another moment of panic/meltdown last night. I have come to realize that the quiet moments of life are almost my enemy right now. The worst is when I am in bed at night, or alone doing something simple, like folding laundry. I know I need to fill my heart with positive thoughts, hope and optimism. Its funny, I was describing it to Jeff last night and I feel like I am having this on-going dialogue with God that is like a job interview. I feel like I need to tell him all the reasons why He wants to keep me on this earth. I tell him all my assets and goals as well as all the ministry things I'm involved in. Like God will suddenly go, "Wow, she's right, I do need her down there longer." I know intellectually none of really deserve to be here or that we can claim that we are any more important than anyone else, but there is that side of me that is the same part in all of us that prays that "just once, God, give me an A on my test and I'll do something for you." As if God needs us for anything.
The waiting game is the worst part. I feel like the last week has been the longest week of my life. I just want to get on with my surgery. Then once I have the surgery I will have to wait 4 or 5 more days for the lab results. Then I will wait 5 more days to meet with the oncologist to develop a plan of attack. The waiting is rough. Other cancer survivors warn you about this, and boy are they right.
I have also learned a very key thing in the last two days. DO NOT READ STATS & WEB SITES! There is nothing this info can do for me and it just makes me feel like I have the exception to every stat. I want to do research on the lastest developments, but there is no way to do this without sorting through the bad news too, and it just makes me more anxious.
Today, I will try to stay busy and get out of the house, I think celebrating Jeff will be the best medicine.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Address
Some people have asked for our mailing address...until August 1st it is:
2689 Blossom Trail East, Blacksburg, VA 24060
After August 1st,
212 Ellett Rd., Blacksburg, VA 24060
2689 Blossom Trail East, Blacksburg, VA 24060
After August 1st,
212 Ellett Rd., Blacksburg, VA 24060
Battenin' down the hatches
Its funny how I have been feeling the last couple of days. It is the same "nesting" feeling I got right before I gave birth to my second child, Liam (now 2) As some of you might remember, I didn't get a chance to nest with Bethany because my water broke in the middle of the night, 10 weeks early. (I know, my body isn't much for working with me sometimes) Yesterday, I was thinking of the things that need to be cleaned, or done before surgery. Jeff suprised me last night by having a babysitter come over so we could go on a real date. We had a nice time having dessert at a local restaurant and then we spent the rest of our "date" at Target and Walmart buying stuff like diapers. I did get to pick out some new jammies for the hospital, and Jeff bought a video game to play while he's waiting for my surgery. It was still as nice night out being able to go to Walmart without being screamed at by a kid wanting candy, the lasted toy or saying they have to go potty.
I had a pre-surgery appt. with my plastic surgeon yesterday. It still makes me giggle just being there. He has an amazing assistant named, Lynn, who is real down to earth and funny. The Dr. is a younger guy (I would guess mid to late 40's) who loves what he does and is definately the type of person I would picture in any Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's office. I asked about what would happen to my skin and tissue expanders if I had to have radiation (which I truly believe I won't, its only if I have more than 4 positive lymph nodes). His response, "don't worry about that, we will fix any damage done...I make beautiful breasts. " (insert giggle here) He said it was such seriousness, I pictured some french artist saying, "I make beautiful paintings"
He also said that he had been discussing my case with the general surgeon, and they both couldn't remember a time when they knew where a tumor was, but couldn't find it on the films or feel it with their hands. He said, he never had a tumor he couldn't at least feel, especially when the biopsy told him exactly where it was suppose to be. You can imagine that made me feel very good. They both seem very opimistic that they will be able to get all of it in surgery.
The other issue I have been wrestling with the last couple of days is our future of having kids. Even if I could physically have more children after surgery, drugs, hormone therapy, it is pretty much agreed that it is not a great idea. There is probably a strong likliehood that I will opt to have my ovaries removed next year since they are the next favorite growing spot for breast cancer and they feed the hormones into my body that the cancer likes.
I struggle with feelings of sadness, since we had planned on having at least 1 or 2 more kids, but I also struggle a great deal with guilt that I have two amazing kids, and I have seen first hand friends who have to climb mountains to have kids, and it makes me feel selfish. Yes, there is talk out there about freezing eggs, doing the embryo thing, etc. That is definately not for us. My dear, dear sister (who has 4 kids of her own) even said she would carry a kid for me. Again, not something I would consider, but she gets 100% bonus points for the offer. I have started thinking more in the last week about perhaps being foster parents in a few years when all the dust settles. It is something I have thought about for many years, I think by shutting down our fertility options I have the freedom to get excited about it again. I know God has given us our new house that we are building for a reason, and I can't help but think each bedroom still has some kids name on it.
I had a pre-surgery appt. with my plastic surgeon yesterday. It still makes me giggle just being there. He has an amazing assistant named, Lynn, who is real down to earth and funny. The Dr. is a younger guy (I would guess mid to late 40's) who loves what he does and is definately the type of person I would picture in any Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's office. I asked about what would happen to my skin and tissue expanders if I had to have radiation (which I truly believe I won't, its only if I have more than 4 positive lymph nodes). His response, "don't worry about that, we will fix any damage done...I make beautiful breasts. " (insert giggle here) He said it was such seriousness, I pictured some french artist saying, "I make beautiful paintings"
He also said that he had been discussing my case with the general surgeon, and they both couldn't remember a time when they knew where a tumor was, but couldn't find it on the films or feel it with their hands. He said, he never had a tumor he couldn't at least feel, especially when the biopsy told him exactly where it was suppose to be. You can imagine that made me feel very good. They both seem very opimistic that they will be able to get all of it in surgery.
The other issue I have been wrestling with the last couple of days is our future of having kids. Even if I could physically have more children after surgery, drugs, hormone therapy, it is pretty much agreed that it is not a great idea. There is probably a strong likliehood that I will opt to have my ovaries removed next year since they are the next favorite growing spot for breast cancer and they feed the hormones into my body that the cancer likes.
I struggle with feelings of sadness, since we had planned on having at least 1 or 2 more kids, but I also struggle a great deal with guilt that I have two amazing kids, and I have seen first hand friends who have to climb mountains to have kids, and it makes me feel selfish. Yes, there is talk out there about freezing eggs, doing the embryo thing, etc. That is definately not for us. My dear, dear sister (who has 4 kids of her own) even said she would carry a kid for me. Again, not something I would consider, but she gets 100% bonus points for the offer. I have started thinking more in the last week about perhaps being foster parents in a few years when all the dust settles. It is something I have thought about for many years, I think by shutting down our fertility options I have the freedom to get excited about it again. I know God has given us our new house that we are building for a reason, and I can't help but think each bedroom still has some kids name on it.
Friday, June 16, 2006
my statement to breast cancer
Take that Breast cancer!Sorry if this offends any of you, but a dear friend sent it to me and it had to be posted. --Kat
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Much better day
Today was the first day in several days that I did not have to go to a Drs. appt. or do some kind of research. I slept well last night, for the first time in a week. I woke up this morning knowing today was going to be a better day and I was not going to let the fear creep in as it had on previous days. I met a girl on campus that I have been doing Bible Study with in recent weeks. She was one of the last major people in my life that I wanted to tell face to face. We shared about issues in our lives, she just found out she is also facing a major turning point in life related to a recent injury. We read through scripture about healing a strength and frankly for the first time in this process, it really did give me healing and strength.
I struggle greatly as a Christian with the idea of praying for healing. I know Christ heals, has healed and will heal again, but I have a hard time asking for healing because I know that healing is not always his plan for each persons life and that doesn't mean that they deserve it less, or that they have done something wrong, it just means that that is God's plan for that person's life. I did learn something today in my scripture reading though. Healing is not just about the physical body, it is about the heart and that I am free to pray with confidence that God will heal me, I just need to know that sometimes he focuses that healing on the heart rather than on the body. I know God can heal me, and I know He has plans for my life and I am learning to pray that He gives me peace on how he chooses to refine me by fire in the process.
I use to "throw" pottery (that's what you call it when you make pottery on the potter's wheel.) I love this picture of God as the potter and us as the clay. He even refers to it in scripture. When you make pottery you craft it, mold it and trim it. After you remove it from the wheel, it must dry and then you must take this fragile thing and put it in a kiln to fire at thousands of degrees. When it comes out it is stronger, it can hold water and it can function at its best. If you tried to use it without firing it, it would simply dissolve away. I see myself as this pot that needs to be fired to be made stronger and will be better for it.
Here are the scriptures that have given me comfort today. They are all in the "Message" version. For those of you not familiar with it, it is just a more "laid back" translation of scripture that strives to be accurate, but not necessary literally.
Psalm 41 (thanks mom) vs. 1-3 & 10-13 "Dignify those who are down on their luck: you'll feel good-that's what God does. God looks after us all, makes us robust with life- Lucky to be in the land, we're free from enemy worries. Whenever we're sick and in bed, God becomes our nurse and nurses us back to health." & "Meanwhile, I'm sure you're on my side-no victory shouts yet from the enemy camp! You know me inside and out, you hold me together, you never fail to stand me tall in your presence so I can look you in the eye.
Isaiah 43:1-7 "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. when you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end- Because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you: ...I want them back, every last one who bears my name, every man, woman & child. Whom I created for my glory, yes, personally formed and made each one."
Matthew 5: 3-7 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll every eat."
Matthew 6:25-27 & 33-34 (NIV) "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? " "But seek first his kingdom and his righteouness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "
I struggle greatly as a Christian with the idea of praying for healing. I know Christ heals, has healed and will heal again, but I have a hard time asking for healing because I know that healing is not always his plan for each persons life and that doesn't mean that they deserve it less, or that they have done something wrong, it just means that that is God's plan for that person's life. I did learn something today in my scripture reading though. Healing is not just about the physical body, it is about the heart and that I am free to pray with confidence that God will heal me, I just need to know that sometimes he focuses that healing on the heart rather than on the body. I know God can heal me, and I know He has plans for my life and I am learning to pray that He gives me peace on how he chooses to refine me by fire in the process.
I use to "throw" pottery (that's what you call it when you make pottery on the potter's wheel.) I love this picture of God as the potter and us as the clay. He even refers to it in scripture. When you make pottery you craft it, mold it and trim it. After you remove it from the wheel, it must dry and then you must take this fragile thing and put it in a kiln to fire at thousands of degrees. When it comes out it is stronger, it can hold water and it can function at its best. If you tried to use it without firing it, it would simply dissolve away. I see myself as this pot that needs to be fired to be made stronger and will be better for it.
Here are the scriptures that have given me comfort today. They are all in the "Message" version. For those of you not familiar with it, it is just a more "laid back" translation of scripture that strives to be accurate, but not necessary literally.
Psalm 41 (thanks mom) vs. 1-3 & 10-13 "Dignify those who are down on their luck: you'll feel good-that's what God does. God looks after us all, makes us robust with life- Lucky to be in the land, we're free from enemy worries. Whenever we're sick and in bed, God becomes our nurse and nurses us back to health." & "Meanwhile, I'm sure you're on my side-no victory shouts yet from the enemy camp! You know me inside and out, you hold me together, you never fail to stand me tall in your presence so I can look you in the eye.
Isaiah 43:1-7 "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. when you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end- Because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you: ...I want them back, every last one who bears my name, every man, woman & child. Whom I created for my glory, yes, personally formed and made each one."
Matthew 5: 3-7 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll every eat."
Matthew 6:25-27 & 33-34 (NIV) "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? " "But seek first his kingdom and his righteouness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I knew there'd be days like this, but still no fun.
As fellow breast cancer survivors have come out of the closet to tell me their stories, most of them have warned me that some days will be ups, and other will be downs, way downs. Yesterdays meetings with my surgeons were an up day. I felt good about "my team", the surgery I was facing and the reconstruction process. Today, I would classify as a down day. I met with my oncologist for the first time. Let me start by saying, as a person, I liked him a lot. Very gentle, great bedside manner, a straight shooter, but optimistic. However, he did have the not so fun task of detailing out for me exactly what we are looking for, or more importantly not looking for to come out of the this upcoming mastectomy.
First, they will do another incision once I am under anethesia and double check my pathology to confirm that this is indeed cancer and my results didn't get swapped with someone else's at the lab (some of you have expressed concern over that.) Assuming that it is still cancer (though I'm all for false alarms in this case) They will proceed as planned with my double mastectomy and reconstruction. As part of all this they will do a procedure that allows them to inject the tumor with dyes and radioactive material (before it is removed from me) to track where the Radiation and dye goes. The hope here is that it would go no where. If they could detect radioactive material in a lymph node or tissue, that could be a place cancer cells have traveled to already, and they will be removed.
After nodes and breasts and tumor is taken out they will do a long pathology process that we hope goes as follows: (this is my prayer list, or fleece I am throwing out for God--for those of you who don't know that reference, find a Bible and read about Gideon, you will get it then) They will look to see if the cancer is Estrogen & Progesterone positive or negative (WE WANT POSITIVE), they will look for something called a HER-2-NEU protein to be present (WE DO NOT WANT THIS GENE PRESENT) They will look for how many lymph nodes have cancer present (WE WANT NO OR LESS THAN 4 POSITIVE FOR CANCER) They will look at the size of the tumor. The size I have from records is about 1 cm, but this doesn't mean that is what they will find when they open me up, cancer is strange like that, it likes to hide sometimes (WE WANT LESS THAN 2 cm THE SMALLER THE BETTER)
What does it mean if I have any of these things? It could mean a couple of things, perhaps the cancer is spread outside my breast or some of them are indicators for how likely it is that the cancer will come back somewhere else. Obviously this is the idea that freaks me out the most.
Listen, I know there is much talk from many of you about speaking words of truth and life and affirmation. I believe whole heartedly that our God is bigger than cancer and that he could have already healed me. My discussions on the reality of what I am dealing with is in NO WAY a resignation on my part that Cancer will get the best of me or that I will be defeated. I am just the type of person that needs to look the enemy in eye so I can take him on face to face. I know this bothers some of you, but know that facing facts and moving through each one of them on their own, helps me to cope better.
I cried with the oncologist a little. Not because I am scared of the cancer I have, but because I am scared of the what if's. I am scared of the cancer that could be. I am scared of the unknown and first and foremost, my number one thought since Friday, June 9th at 3:30 pm, is that I ache when I think of my kids growing up without me. I am optimistic they won't and I have made a decision to allow myself only brief moments of these thoughts, because if I fear what could be, I am clearly taking my thoughts, heart and time from what already is right in front of me.
I share all this with you so that you would have VERY SPECIFIC prayer requests. All of the technical issues described above, as well as Jeff & I's embracing of the current love and blessings our family shares. There is nothing that says I couldn't get hit by a mack truck tomorrow, but I don't fear that. I want my thoughts of cancer to be at a place where I can dismiss it in the same way. I am constantly reminded about ...
Matthew 6:24
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I want to be at a place where I believe that as truth. Tomorrow will be a better day.
First, they will do another incision once I am under anethesia and double check my pathology to confirm that this is indeed cancer and my results didn't get swapped with someone else's at the lab (some of you have expressed concern over that.) Assuming that it is still cancer (though I'm all for false alarms in this case) They will proceed as planned with my double mastectomy and reconstruction. As part of all this they will do a procedure that allows them to inject the tumor with dyes and radioactive material (before it is removed from me) to track where the Radiation and dye goes. The hope here is that it would go no where. If they could detect radioactive material in a lymph node or tissue, that could be a place cancer cells have traveled to already, and they will be removed.
After nodes and breasts and tumor is taken out they will do a long pathology process that we hope goes as follows: (this is my prayer list, or fleece I am throwing out for God--for those of you who don't know that reference, find a Bible and read about Gideon, you will get it then) They will look to see if the cancer is Estrogen & Progesterone positive or negative (WE WANT POSITIVE), they will look for something called a HER-2-NEU protein to be present (WE DO NOT WANT THIS GENE PRESENT) They will look for how many lymph nodes have cancer present (WE WANT NO OR LESS THAN 4 POSITIVE FOR CANCER) They will look at the size of the tumor. The size I have from records is about 1 cm, but this doesn't mean that is what they will find when they open me up, cancer is strange like that, it likes to hide sometimes (WE WANT LESS THAN 2 cm THE SMALLER THE BETTER)
What does it mean if I have any of these things? It could mean a couple of things, perhaps the cancer is spread outside my breast or some of them are indicators for how likely it is that the cancer will come back somewhere else. Obviously this is the idea that freaks me out the most.
Listen, I know there is much talk from many of you about speaking words of truth and life and affirmation. I believe whole heartedly that our God is bigger than cancer and that he could have already healed me. My discussions on the reality of what I am dealing with is in NO WAY a resignation on my part that Cancer will get the best of me or that I will be defeated. I am just the type of person that needs to look the enemy in eye so I can take him on face to face. I know this bothers some of you, but know that facing facts and moving through each one of them on their own, helps me to cope better.
I cried with the oncologist a little. Not because I am scared of the cancer I have, but because I am scared of the what if's. I am scared of the cancer that could be. I am scared of the unknown and first and foremost, my number one thought since Friday, June 9th at 3:30 pm, is that I ache when I think of my kids growing up without me. I am optimistic they won't and I have made a decision to allow myself only brief moments of these thoughts, because if I fear what could be, I am clearly taking my thoughts, heart and time from what already is right in front of me.
I share all this with you so that you would have VERY SPECIFIC prayer requests. All of the technical issues described above, as well as Jeff & I's embracing of the current love and blessings our family shares. There is nothing that says I couldn't get hit by a mack truck tomorrow, but I don't fear that. I want my thoughts of cancer to be at a place where I can dismiss it in the same way. I am constantly reminded about ...
Matthew 6:24
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I want to be at a place where I believe that as truth. Tomorrow will be a better day.
How to Help (Guest blogger: Jeff)
We have been inundated with offers of assistance, and we are extremely thankful for you all. We realized that being fiercely independent in a time like this is exceptional prideful, so we tried to think of things that we wil need.
One thing that jumped out at us is how much we are (and will be) eating out. For those of you who are far away, we could use gift cards for restaurants in the Christiansburg and Blacksburg area - the modern equivalent of cooking a meal for us, right? We have most major chains, but you may want to check the restaurant websites to see how close the nearest establishment is to postal code 24060.
Thanks again!
One thing that jumped out at us is how much we are (and will be) eating out. For those of you who are far away, we could use gift cards for restaurants in the Christiansburg and Blacksburg area - the modern equivalent of cooking a meal for us, right? We have most major chains, but you may want to check the restaurant websites to see how close the nearest establishment is to postal code 24060.
Thanks again!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Surgery date set
My surgery date is set for WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21st at 7:30 am. I hope all you prayer warriors are coffee drinkers, because you will be risin' early.
In the meantime we are focusing on finishing our house decisions, so we won't have to make these decisions in diress later. We are 95% there on all our choices, from lighting to doors or faucets to floors.
I am also nesting a bit. Funny, it feels kind of like right before I had Liam. I want to get laundry done, things cleaned, food made, so these things don't have to be done after my surgery.
I will have some pre-op tests (a chest and head CT), blood tests, etc. I will have to be at the hospital at 6 am on the day of the surgery.
In the meantime we are focusing on finishing our house decisions, so we won't have to make these decisions in diress later. We are 95% there on all our choices, from lighting to doors or faucets to floors.
I am also nesting a bit. Funny, it feels kind of like right before I had Liam. I want to get laundry done, things cleaned, food made, so these things don't have to be done after my surgery.
I will have some pre-op tests (a chest and head CT), blood tests, etc. I will have to be at the hospital at 6 am on the day of the surgery.
Shoppin' for new boobs
Next we were off to a place I would not have imagined myself at in a million years, the plastic surgeon's office. It felt like we entered a scene out of the movie "Doc Hollywood" It was a beautiful office, everyone very kind, they offered drinks.
We met with the nurse first and she said up front that she was so happy we opted for double mastectomy. She says she struggles daily to convince her young BC patients to go this route, but often loses the batte. I don't get it personally, but to each his own.
We had a great conversation with her and Dr. Breiner about my surgery, my tissue expanders (they will later be replaces with implants) and believe it or not, the value of silicone implants over saline implants. The silicone has gotten a bad wrap in recent years, but has proved very effective (and really only legal) in reconstruction patients. I can say from having played with an actual implant during our whole hour long consulation, that nothing is poking through or leaking from these new versions.
I will have the tissue expanders put in at the time of surgery with a little bit of saline in them. Each week after surgery I will go to the Plastic surgeon's office and we will put 50cc of fluid in them through a special valve that only allows fluid in, not out. It's pretty amazing. After I have gotten to the desired size (what that is will be another discussion for another day) they will stay in place until after my chemo, and treatment until I have a simple procedure to swap them out with the permanant implants. Me with fake boobs, how funny.
We met with the nurse first and she said up front that she was so happy we opted for double mastectomy. She says she struggles daily to convince her young BC patients to go this route, but often loses the batte. I don't get it personally, but to each his own.
We had a great conversation with her and Dr. Breiner about my surgery, my tissue expanders (they will later be replaces with implants) and believe it or not, the value of silicone implants over saline implants. The silicone has gotten a bad wrap in recent years, but has proved very effective (and really only legal) in reconstruction patients. I can say from having played with an actual implant during our whole hour long consulation, that nothing is poking through or leaking from these new versions.
I will have the tissue expanders put in at the time of surgery with a little bit of saline in them. Each week after surgery I will go to the Plastic surgeon's office and we will put 50cc of fluid in them through a special valve that only allows fluid in, not out. It's pretty amazing. After I have gotten to the desired size (what that is will be another discussion for another day) they will stay in place until after my chemo, and treatment until I have a simple procedure to swap them out with the permanant implants. Me with fake boobs, how funny.
the power of the second opinion
Today, I had my second opinion. Everywhere I read and everyone I've talked to told me to do this, so I picked another surgeon out of the magic health insurance book and made an appointment. This doctor is great. Jeff and I knew from the beginning that he was a gift from God. He does a lot of breast work. Over 100 a year. He also works as a team with a plastic surgeon, which makes a tremendous difference in how my operation goes. They know each other's incision preferences, methods and thought processes in treatment. They also recommended an Oncologist in my local area for my chemo follow-up who use to work in their team until he moved to Blacksburg. The surgeon, Dr. Williams, is in Salem, which is about 35 minutes away and 10 minutes from where my sister, Lara, lives.
I didn't think he could have a much different opinion from my first consultation, but I was wrong. My first dr. recommended I wait to do my reconstruction for another year after my surgery. Dr. Williams strongly disagreed. He addressed each one of my specific concerns about infection and my tissue expander getting in the way of possible radiation. He showed us that the current research and literature actually supports that the recovery is better and the healing of the incision, the look of the reconstruction, as well as the emotional impact are all better when the reconstruction is done at the same time of the mastectomy.
Something else I also appreciated about Dr. Williams is his incredibly encouraging attitude. He said, "you caught this incredibly early, I have seen your films and even though I know its there, I still can't find it. You have a great prognosis." He gave us both the emotional freedom to actually get excited about the possibilites of reconstruction.
Here is the bad news. He said he could not operate in the next two weeks because he is booked solid and then he is going on vacation for 2 more weeks. I didn't think we could handle waiting this long emotionally or physically. I asked him if there was anyway he could squeeze me in. He said between his schedule, the plastic surgeon's schedule and the OR's schedule at the hospital he thought this was highly unlikely. He left us sayin he would have his nurse contact us with our options.
I was excited we had found the right surgeon, but sad that I didn't know how the timing was going to work. Jeff & I got in the car and I prayed that the Lord would give us peace in our decision and that he would open the surgery spot, like he had parted the seas. I really had total peace at that point.
This is how I know God's hand is in all this....One hour later we received a call from the surgeon's nurse. The made a spot for us in the OR, with both DRs. and I had an appointment at 2:30 to consult with the Plastic surgeon. TAKE THAT BREAST CANCER, IN YOUR FACE! My GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOU, I'VE GOT YOUR NAME AND I'M COMING AFTER YOU!!!
I didn't think he could have a much different opinion from my first consultation, but I was wrong. My first dr. recommended I wait to do my reconstruction for another year after my surgery. Dr. Williams strongly disagreed. He addressed each one of my specific concerns about infection and my tissue expander getting in the way of possible radiation. He showed us that the current research and literature actually supports that the recovery is better and the healing of the incision, the look of the reconstruction, as well as the emotional impact are all better when the reconstruction is done at the same time of the mastectomy.
Something else I also appreciated about Dr. Williams is his incredibly encouraging attitude. He said, "you caught this incredibly early, I have seen your films and even though I know its there, I still can't find it. You have a great prognosis." He gave us both the emotional freedom to actually get excited about the possibilites of reconstruction.
Here is the bad news. He said he could not operate in the next two weeks because he is booked solid and then he is going on vacation for 2 more weeks. I didn't think we could handle waiting this long emotionally or physically. I asked him if there was anyway he could squeeze me in. He said between his schedule, the plastic surgeon's schedule and the OR's schedule at the hospital he thought this was highly unlikely. He left us sayin he would have his nurse contact us with our options.
I was excited we had found the right surgeon, but sad that I didn't know how the timing was going to work. Jeff & I got in the car and I prayed that the Lord would give us peace in our decision and that he would open the surgery spot, like he had parted the seas. I really had total peace at that point.
This is how I know God's hand is in all this....One hour later we received a call from the surgeon's nurse. The made a spot for us in the OR, with both DRs. and I had an appointment at 2:30 to consult with the Plastic surgeon. TAKE THAT BREAST CANCER, IN YOUR FACE! My GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOU, I'VE GOT YOUR NAME AND I'M COMING AFTER YOU!!!
A word on my family history
For those of you who don't know a lot about my family history with Breast Cancer I thought I would tell you so you could gain a little insight on the gene pool that I bring to this fight. My mom is from a family of 12 kids. (God bless you grandma) 9 girls, 3 boys. Of my mom's sisters, 4 of them have had breast cancer. All 4 of them were diagnosed premenopausal. Two have lost their battle with this nasty disease. Various sisters have chosen to get genetic testing for the BRC gene that can help determine one's likeliehood to develop the gene. This gene does not mean one will get the disease, it just means they are more likely to. Some of them have come back negative, my aunt Nancy, who lost her battle with BC, was positive for the gene. I don't know if me, my sister or mom have this gene, though I am quite sure I will know my status by the time all of this is worked through for me, especially since I have a daughter. I am the first of the "next generation" to receive this diagnosis and I sense from talking to my cousins it makes them feel a bit uneasy. I don't blame them for their fears, but I know this generation has much more in advancement and early detection to fight BC head on.
Monday, June 12th
Yesterday, was a better day. We decided to resolve the church telling issue by just writing it on the collection card. It some ways it was kind of wimping out, but I just didn't have the strength to tell people face to face. The church response was awesome. We were flooded with phone calls from near and far of immediate action. Two of the pastors came over Sunday night and prayed with us, anointed me, and gave us communion. It makes me so happy to be part of NLCF. I have a feeling we will need to rely on these people more in months to come, especially in help with the kids.
Today I have my first consultation with a surgeon. I am anxious to develop a plan of attack. I have been reading and researching on the web all weekend and I feel like I have a greater understanding of what is happening and what I am dealing with. I keep having this vision in my head of jumping into a boxing ring with pink silk shorts on and giant boxing gloves. I see this sea of friends and family behind me and "the cancer" across the ring. I feel like he has 1 point in the first round, but I have come into this round swinging with a vengeance.
The surgeon we met with today was nice. We literally picked his name out of our health insurance book. He was knowledgeable, but does not specialize in breast surgery. He agreed with our decision to have a double mastectomy. Though my cancer is small and caught early, at my age and chance of recurrence we've agreed to take the most aggressive or "conservative" approach on all our treatments. Starting with a complete double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Some people have had a hard time understanding why someone would choose such a radical procedure, so I will try and explain my thoughts a little bit so you all will understand where our hearts are.
Once I got the cancer diagnosis I just felt like I wanted this thing, and anything that caused it, out of my body. I lost all attachment to my self image issues that might be related to how I would feel without breasts and immediately clung to the idea that I would fight this S.O.B. called cancer head on. If I were 60 and I got the same diagnosis, I might make a different decision. However, I have learned that premenopausal Breast cancer is a whole different beast. The chance of recurrence for my type of cancer goes from 3% for post-menopausal women to 20% for premenopausal women. By having a double mastectomy I lower those odds quite a bit. Take that CANCER!!! I feel like I have an obligation to my kids and husband to be around to nag them for many more years.
Here is the good news of this day and age. I get to do immediate reconstruction. See tomorrow's blog and I will discuss my new found appreciation for plastic surgery.
Today I have my first consultation with a surgeon. I am anxious to develop a plan of attack. I have been reading and researching on the web all weekend and I feel like I have a greater understanding of what is happening and what I am dealing with. I keep having this vision in my head of jumping into a boxing ring with pink silk shorts on and giant boxing gloves. I see this sea of friends and family behind me and "the cancer" across the ring. I feel like he has 1 point in the first round, but I have come into this round swinging with a vengeance.
The surgeon we met with today was nice. We literally picked his name out of our health insurance book. He was knowledgeable, but does not specialize in breast surgery. He agreed with our decision to have a double mastectomy. Though my cancer is small and caught early, at my age and chance of recurrence we've agreed to take the most aggressive or "conservative" approach on all our treatments. Starting with a complete double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Some people have had a hard time understanding why someone would choose such a radical procedure, so I will try and explain my thoughts a little bit so you all will understand where our hearts are.
Once I got the cancer diagnosis I just felt like I wanted this thing, and anything that caused it, out of my body. I lost all attachment to my self image issues that might be related to how I would feel without breasts and immediately clung to the idea that I would fight this S.O.B. called cancer head on. If I were 60 and I got the same diagnosis, I might make a different decision. However, I have learned that premenopausal Breast cancer is a whole different beast. The chance of recurrence for my type of cancer goes from 3% for post-menopausal women to 20% for premenopausal women. By having a double mastectomy I lower those odds quite a bit. Take that CANCER!!! I feel like I have an obligation to my kids and husband to be around to nag them for many more years.
Here is the good news of this day and age. I get to do immediate reconstruction. See tomorrow's blog and I will discuss my new found appreciation for plastic surgery.
Sunday June 11, Day 4--AM
Today I felt better waking up, I didn't wake up in a complete panic every hour last night. Today we face an interesting dilemma. We want to share with people at church what is going on, but we don't know how or with whom. I have learned that it sucks to just call people up or even worse, see them in person and say "hey, by the way, I have Breast Cancer." They don't know what to say, I don't want to feel patronized, and they are frankly blindsided. I feel bad telling people sometimes, as funny as that sounds. I just want to get through this stage where everyone knows and I'm "outed" with the latest major fact in my life.
Day 2 -- the story of my Breast Cancer Diagnosis -- Saturday, June 10th
Here is my story so far...I was having a pain in my left breast from the armpit to the lower side of my breast for about 6 weeks now. I was waiting to act on it because I wanted to go through a period and see if it was related. If it had been anywhere else on my body I would have ignored it frankly. We have a lot of BC on my mom's side of the family, but not my mom or sister. My mom has 8 sisters, of them, 4 have had BC (all prementalpausal) 2 have lost their battle, 1 has had a prophylactic double mastectomy just for her peace of mind, and 2 of those who have done they BRC testing have come back positive. So given the family thing I decided to use this as an excuse to get a complete physical since I hadn't had one in years.
Thank God for Nurse Reese. She is a NP, but she took my pain very seriously. Even though we both couldn't distinguish a specific lump, more of just a tender area in the midst of tendons and muscle, she gave me a full referral to a Breast Care Center nearby. She said it was time for my first mammogram. I had a mammogram (nothing showed up) but since I was having a symptom they decided to do an ultrasound. The first tech did the ultrasound and found nothing. Then the Dr. came in and asked me to point the probe at the specific tender spot. There if found a small "shadow" on the screen. It measured about .8 cm by 1.5 cm and did not have distinct borders. He began the day by saying, "In 30 years of doing this, I have never seen cancer present itself as just pain, I am sure this is nothing." (words that will make me question Drs. as long as I live.) They decided to biopsy it this week, Friday.
He called friday at 3:30 and said to his surprise it was cancerous. I started shaking and pulled out a pen and paper, because I knew I would not remember what he said. I told him to tell me the exact words I need to know. He called it an "Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma" with a Grade 3 Histological Description. It is a combination of DCIS and IDC.
I told him we had a family trip to Disney World planned for a year & and a half, from July 8-21, could this wait until after? He said "no, you may not be going on that vacation" That hit me harder than the actual diagnosis. Plus, we are moving August 1-7 to a new house. I can't help thinking if I could have just waited two more months I could deal with this better. Frankly, that has been my biggest struggle right now.
As for today, I had a restless night sleep, kept waking up thinking about all my friends and family who were probably also still awake. Understandably my mom is taking this very hard and given her family's history, she is scared. My next step was to find my best cleavage shirt, pull my long brown hair down (that I almost always wear in a pony-tail) and resolve that if I was going to lose these things in the next few months, I was showing them off until then!
Thank God for Nurse Reese. She is a NP, but she took my pain very seriously. Even though we both couldn't distinguish a specific lump, more of just a tender area in the midst of tendons and muscle, she gave me a full referral to a Breast Care Center nearby. She said it was time for my first mammogram. I had a mammogram (nothing showed up) but since I was having a symptom they decided to do an ultrasound. The first tech did the ultrasound and found nothing. Then the Dr. came in and asked me to point the probe at the specific tender spot. There if found a small "shadow" on the screen. It measured about .8 cm by 1.5 cm and did not have distinct borders. He began the day by saying, "In 30 years of doing this, I have never seen cancer present itself as just pain, I am sure this is nothing." (words that will make me question Drs. as long as I live.) They decided to biopsy it this week, Friday.
He called friday at 3:30 and said to his surprise it was cancerous. I started shaking and pulled out a pen and paper, because I knew I would not remember what he said. I told him to tell me the exact words I need to know. He called it an "Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma" with a Grade 3 Histological Description. It is a combination of DCIS and IDC.
I told him we had a family trip to Disney World planned for a year & and a half, from July 8-21, could this wait until after? He said "no, you may not be going on that vacation" That hit me harder than the actual diagnosis. Plus, we are moving August 1-7 to a new house. I can't help thinking if I could have just waited two more months I could deal with this better. Frankly, that has been my biggest struggle right now.
As for today, I had a restless night sleep, kept waking up thinking about all my friends and family who were probably also still awake. Understandably my mom is taking this very hard and given her family's history, she is scared. My next step was to find my best cleavage shirt, pull my long brown hair down (that I almost always wear in a pony-tail) and resolve that if I was going to lose these things in the next few months, I was showing them off until then!
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