Battenin' down the hatches

Its funny how I have been feeling the last couple of days. It is the same "nesting" feeling I got right before I gave birth to my second child, Liam (now 2) As some of you might remember, I didn't get a chance to nest with Bethany because my water broke in the middle of the night, 10 weeks early. (I know, my body isn't much for working with me sometimes) Yesterday, I was thinking of the things that need to be cleaned, or done before surgery. Jeff suprised me last night by having a babysitter come over so we could go on a real date. We had a nice time having dessert at a local restaurant and then we spent the rest of our "date" at Target and Walmart buying stuff like diapers. I did get to pick out some new jammies for the hospital, and Jeff bought a video game to play while he's waiting for my surgery. It was still as nice night out being able to go to Walmart without being screamed at by a kid wanting candy, the lasted toy or saying they have to go potty.

I had a pre-surgery appt. with my plastic surgeon yesterday. It still makes me giggle just being there. He has an amazing assistant named, Lynn, who is real down to earth and funny. The Dr. is a younger guy (I would guess mid to late 40's) who loves what he does and is definately the type of person I would picture in any Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's office. I asked about what would happen to my skin and tissue expanders if I had to have radiation (which I truly believe I won't, its only if I have more than 4 positive lymph nodes). His response, "don't worry about that, we will fix any damage done...I make beautiful breasts. " (insert giggle here) He said it was such seriousness, I pictured some french artist saying, "I make beautiful paintings"

He also said that he had been discussing my case with the general surgeon, and they both couldn't remember a time when they knew where a tumor was, but couldn't find it on the films or feel it with their hands. He said, he never had a tumor he couldn't at least feel, especially when the biopsy told him exactly where it was suppose to be. You can imagine that made me feel very good. They both seem very opimistic that they will be able to get all of it in surgery.

The other issue I have been wrestling with the last couple of days is our future of having kids. Even if I could physically have more children after surgery, drugs, hormone therapy, it is pretty much agreed that it is not a great idea. There is probably a strong likliehood that I will opt to have my ovaries removed next year since they are the next favorite growing spot for breast cancer and they feed the hormones into my body that the cancer likes.

I struggle with feelings of sadness, since we had planned on having at least 1 or 2 more kids, but I also struggle a great deal with guilt that I have two amazing kids, and I have seen first hand friends who have to climb mountains to have kids, and it makes me feel selfish. Yes, there is talk out there about freezing eggs, doing the embryo thing, etc. That is definately not for us. My dear, dear sister (who has 4 kids of her own) even said she would carry a kid for me. Again, not something I would consider, but she gets 100% bonus points for the offer. I have started thinking more in the last week about perhaps being foster parents in a few years when all the dust settles. It is something I have thought about for many years, I think by shutting down our fertility options I have the freedom to get excited about it again. I know God has given us our new house that we are building for a reason, and I can't help but think each bedroom still has some kids name on it.