Happy Father's Day

Happy father's day to all you dad's out there. I keep thinking this is a crappy what for Jeff to celebrate father's day, but he deserves to have a great day, because he is great father.

I had another moment of panic/meltdown last night. I have come to realize that the quiet moments of life are almost my enemy right now. The worst is when I am in bed at night, or alone doing something simple, like folding laundry. I know I need to fill my heart with positive thoughts, hope and optimism. Its funny, I was describing it to Jeff last night and I feel like I am having this on-going dialogue with God that is like a job interview. I feel like I need to tell him all the reasons why He wants to keep me on this earth. I tell him all my assets and goals as well as all the ministry things I'm involved in. Like God will suddenly go, "Wow, she's right, I do need her down there longer." I know intellectually none of really deserve to be here or that we can claim that we are any more important than anyone else, but there is that side of me that is the same part in all of us that prays that "just once, God, give me an A on my test and I'll do something for you." As if God needs us for anything.

The waiting game is the worst part. I feel like the last week has been the longest week of my life. I just want to get on with my surgery. Then once I have the surgery I will have to wait 4 or 5 more days for the lab results. Then I will wait 5 more days to meet with the oncologist to develop a plan of attack. The waiting is rough. Other cancer survivors warn you about this, and boy are they right.

I have also learned a very key thing in the last two days. DO NOT READ STATS & WEB SITES! There is nothing this info can do for me and it just makes me feel like I have the exception to every stat. I want to do research on the lastest developments, but there is no way to do this without sorting through the bad news too, and it just makes me more anxious.

Today, I will try to stay busy and get out of the house, I think celebrating Jeff will be the best medicine.