I knew there'd be days like this, but still no fun.

As fellow breast cancer survivors have come out of the closet to tell me their stories, most of them have warned me that some days will be ups, and other will be downs, way downs. Yesterdays meetings with my surgeons were an up day. I felt good about "my team", the surgery I was facing and the reconstruction process. Today, I would classify as a down day. I met with my oncologist for the first time. Let me start by saying, as a person, I liked him a lot. Very gentle, great bedside manner, a straight shooter, but optimistic. However, he did have the not so fun task of detailing out for me exactly what we are looking for, or more importantly not looking for to come out of the this upcoming mastectomy.

First, they will do another incision once I am under anethesia and double check my pathology to confirm that this is indeed cancer and my results didn't get swapped with someone else's at the lab (some of you have expressed concern over that.) Assuming that it is still cancer (though I'm all for false alarms in this case) They will proceed as planned with my double mastectomy and reconstruction. As part of all this they will do a procedure that allows them to inject the tumor with dyes and radioactive material (before it is removed from me) to track where the Radiation and dye goes. The hope here is that it would go no where. If they could detect radioactive material in a lymph node or tissue, that could be a place cancer cells have traveled to already, and they will be removed.

After nodes and breasts and tumor is taken out they will do a long pathology process that we hope goes as follows: (this is my prayer list, or fleece I am throwing out for God--for those of you who don't know that reference, find a Bible and read about Gideon, you will get it then) They will look to see if the cancer is Estrogen & Progesterone positive or negative (WE WANT POSITIVE), they will look for something called a HER-2-NEU protein to be present (WE DO NOT WANT THIS GENE PRESENT) They will look for how many lymph nodes have cancer present (WE WANT NO OR LESS THAN 4 POSITIVE FOR CANCER) They will look at the size of the tumor. The size I have from records is about 1 cm, but this doesn't mean that is what they will find when they open me up, cancer is strange like that, it likes to hide sometimes (WE WANT LESS THAN 2 cm THE SMALLER THE BETTER)

What does it mean if I have any of these things? It could mean a couple of things, perhaps the cancer is spread outside my breast or some of them are indicators for how likely it is that the cancer will come back somewhere else. Obviously this is the idea that freaks me out the most.

Listen, I know there is much talk from many of you about speaking words of truth and life and affirmation. I believe whole heartedly that our God is bigger than cancer and that he could have already healed me. My discussions on the reality of what I am dealing with is in NO WAY a resignation on my part that Cancer will get the best of me or that I will be defeated. I am just the type of person that needs to look the enemy in eye so I can take him on face to face. I know this bothers some of you, but know that facing facts and moving through each one of them on their own, helps me to cope better.

I cried with the oncologist a little. Not because I am scared of the cancer I have, but because I am scared of the what if's. I am scared of the cancer that could be. I am scared of the unknown and first and foremost, my number one thought since Friday, June 9th at 3:30 pm, is that I ache when I think of my kids growing up without me. I am optimistic they won't and I have made a decision to allow myself only brief moments of these thoughts, because if I fear what could be, I am clearly taking my thoughts, heart and time from what already is right in front of me.

I share all this with you so that you would have VERY SPECIFIC prayer requests. All of the technical issues described above, as well as Jeff & I's embracing of the current love and blessings our family shares. There is nothing that says I couldn't get hit by a mack truck tomorrow, but I don't fear that. I want my thoughts of cancer to be at a place where I can dismiss it in the same way. I am constantly reminded about ...
Matthew 6:24
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I want to be at a place where I believe that as truth. Tomorrow will be a better day.