Tighter hugs from a "Cinderella Girl"

Last night Jeff and I watched the movie, "Cinderella Man" Man, what a great movie. I must admit I am not a very big fan of the whole concept of boxing, it just is not a very intelligent sport to me. I do like the analogy it gives me in the fight against Cancer (see my earlier blogs). I am a big fan of the underdog sports movie, and this is a good one. I won't spoil it for all of you who haven't seen it, but basically it is a true story of a depression era boxer who must overcome great odds to achieve greatness. I felt like I was in the story. Everytime they had a boxing scene, I found myself yelling at the the screen, "TAKE THAT CANCER!", "YOU WANT SOME MORE? HOW 'BOUT THIS, WHAM!" Jeff was laughing at me, but I must say it was quite cathartic. I would highly recommend the flick to those of you who haven't seen it yet. The last half of the movie is my journey through chemo. I'm going to consider myself Cinderella Girl for a while.

I have learned a nice little side effect of not having breasts for a while. You get to hug people closer. Now that I am not in much pain, I can hug again. Everytime Jeff hugs me, I keep telling him he can squeeze harder, and it is strange because I can hug him tighter than ever before. It is a simple blessing in the midst of all this that I quite enjoy.

Today, I am feeling pretty good. I have very little pain. I have made the transition from narcotics to simple over-the-counter tylenol. It makes me feel better not to feel doped up all the time. I feel like I have a tight rope tied around my chest, similar to the feeling you get when you have a chest cold, almost like I am on the verge of a cough all the time. Once I can get the sleeping thing down, I will be golden. I still have to sleep on my back, and since I am not a "back-sleeper" I wake up with a knot in the back. I think once all my staples are removed this problem will be resolved. The good news is that I am not having to wake up Jeff in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed, I have been able to get myself up by myself the last two nights. This is a simple thing that gives me more of my independence back. The only odd thing about all this is that I am experiencing "phantom breast pain." I had heard about this, like people who have an itch in a leg that haven't had for years, and it is true. Occassionally, I will reach to scratch an itch on a breast that doesn't exist anymore. I have a constant feeling like I am breast-feeding. (I know that sounds really odd, but to those women who have breast fed, you will know the exact feeling I am talking about.) I wonder if this is a post-surgery thing, or if I will always have these sensations.

(warning: the following paragraph is a little yucky) I have two drains left. Though they are not painful in anyway that are about as gross as you might imagine. I have two small holes in my chest that have clear tubes coming out of them. At the end of about 18 inches of tubing is two clear egg-shaped clear bulbs that "stuff" drains into. The sad part is that all this stuff is clear, so you get to see it. why they need to do this, I am not sure. The funny thing is that one is always blue (the left side where the tumor was) because it is still draining the blue dye leftover from my sentinal node biopsy. I get the pleasure of measuring and dumping the contents of the drains several times a day. I had 4 at the beginning. 2 were taken out on friday and the other 2 will come out on tuesday. As I am sure you can imagine, I am quite anxious for their removal.

As far as my environment, we are doing great. We have an amazing church family that has been blessed with awesome cooks. We have yet to receive a meal that we don't like, it makes me want to milk the cancer thing as long as possible. At this rate I will make up for the lost stress weight in no time. :)

Though I would not wish cancer on anyone, I wish everyone could experience the love and blessings we have in the last 2 weeks. I have friends I haven't spoken to in years offering to drop everything and come stay with us. I have gifts, meals and flowers coming from people I barely know and people who have a permanent home in my heart from different milestones in my life. I imagine this is how if feels to have your "15 minutes of fame", I just love hearing from people. Please keep your notes and emails coming. Especially as I enter the chemo phase, I know we will need the daily encouragement. It really feeds my soul.

I think all the work of having to be two parents and two adults is taking its toll on my dear hubby, though he would never let on to it. He has been amazingly gracious and a true definition of what it means to stick to the vows, "in sickness and in health." I keep telling Bethany when she grows up she needs to pick a man just like her daddy and she will be just fine. Please send him your humor and wishes as he continues to do the job of two people. He is truly a vessel for God's joy and strength at this time. His sense of humor keeps me up. When he first saw my "new chest" in the doctor's office, he looked straight at my face and said, "you're beautiful" and the crazy thing is, I know he meant it.

That's all from the Werner-front today. We are hoping to get the full pathology report tomorrow. I will keep you up to date with definitions and explanations. On friday I have my first oncologist's visit, though he is a nice dr., it is not a visit I am looking forward to. Keep praying, it sure works. -- Kat