Cancer's Roller Coaster.

I could have titled this entry, "antibioticked, again.", but since I have used that one several times, it is starting to sound as old as its getting. I have had an interesting mix of ups and downs over the last week and I just want to get back to a boring life again. Yes, I crave boredom. I crave a time where I don't wake up worried about health, basic functioning, fighting for life or even being so easily labored by life's details. Yesterday, I woke up with sinus congestion, again. I had been feeling so great the last two weeks. The pessimist in me knew it would come back, but I was so hoping I could feel healthy for the rest of chemo. By today the congestion was much worse and my (warning: too much information coming...) mucus was green (never a good sign). You enter an interesting balance at this point because I have now been on antibiotics 6 times since my surgery in June. At some point your body builds up a resistance to antibiotics and not only do they not work, but this is the problem that contributes to some of the "super bugs" or viruses that are circluating now, because they learn to resist antibiotics. So I called the Dr. and we discussed this issue, deciding that I would try a simplier antibiotic called the "Z-pack" or zyromyecin (I don't know if I'm spelling that right). If it doesn't work, I will likely just ride the wave of sickness through this time, unless I develop a fever.

Jeff is gone this week. He went to Northern VA (for those of you outside the state that is about 4 hours from where we now live.) He went to meet with some clients and potential clients in hope of continuing to grow what has now become an independent contracting business for him. He has had a flood of business in recent weeks and he has been working 70+ hours in front of the computer doing all the programming. Liam says, "Daddy pushes buttons on the computer." Its a mixed bag because he is getting work, lots of it, that has the potential of being lucrative for him and the other guy he has partnered with, but it is contract work, which means we won't necessarily know from month to month where we stand and if he gets too much work in a short deadline they will have to sub-contract it to others. I do feel like the Lord is leading him in this direction, but the fear of the unknown mixed with lack of benefits is unsettling for the future. He took Liam with him to spend the week at my parents house being spoiled by Nana and Granddaddy. I am afraid Liam will never want to come home to this boring, small apartment.

I had high hopes of getting tons of soapmaking done this week. For those of you who don't know, I have a soap making business in recent years, called VIRGINIA SOAPS. I do craft shows, special orders and some orders off my website. I have done none of these since my diagnosis and was bummed to be a no-show for two big shows I had scheduled almost a year ago for this fall because I just didn't have the strength or inventory to participate. I do plan on doing my biggest show of the year in Vienna, VA (that's up in NoVA) the week of Thanksgiving. Since our current living arrangements are not conducive to making soap, I have unpacked a large amount of this stuff to work on this week. I have made quite a few, but not as much as I would have liked as life issues keep coming up and calling me away. The illness hasn't helped the cause much.

In the other time, when Bethany comes home from school, we have been hanging out, had a "Girl's dinner" last night (her choice of restaurant, McDonald's) and she has been helping me "organize" my soap stuff by lining up ducks, monkeys, animals and instructing me on which to work on next. I have enjoyed our time together, but we both agree we miss the boys. They will return late Thursday night.

I also found out today that our favorite employee at the construction company is leaving in the next two weeks. I won't get into all the dynamics of the shake-up with the builder and how disappointed we have been, but the bottom line is he is really the last capable employee and now I will have to basically serve as contractor on my own home until its completion. We could be as soon as 4 weeks away, but with no one really overseeing it properly, I know from experience, things will get forgotten, misscheduled and delayed. So as of today, I am officially babysitting the builder with multiple daily calls and a virtual take over of the remaining details of the house. I can't explain how overwhelmed this makes me, but it just has to be done at this point, or we won't be in our house by the end of the year. I am stressed about it and highly annoyed that the builder has been so disappointing, but I can't spend my energy on blame or frustration, I need to redirect it into getting this project done. I feel resentful that all the fun of building our dream home has been sucked from my heart by Jeff's job loss, an uncertain future and the details that I shouldn't have to be in charge of, but in the end reality, must take over.

Confession time...
I have been feeling somewhat lonely in recent weeks. Yes, part of it may seem Jeff's absense for the week, but it is really more than that. Its funny with cancer (Ok, I'm officially crying now as I type) but people help you and say, "how are you?" and that is very important. Don't get me wrong, things like cards, meals, taking care of the kids are all very important, but people have a tendancy to take a step back from you emotionally. I had a flood of people offering prayers and good wishes at the beginning. I knew this would dwindle as people return to their lives (and they rightfully should.) There is also this certain distance that happens with everyone in your life that makes you feel like you are in a plastic bubble all by yourself. Part of it is the dwindling down of contact from people, part of it is that people always want to know what your physical needs are and how to address them. Part of it is people always gauging how you are doing as a whole based on how you are feeling physically. If you feel OK then everything is OK. Lets face it when we ask people in the grocery store, "How are you?" we don't really want them to say, "well I'm not throwing up, but I am not having my emotional needs met." I don't want to share that anymore then people want to hear it. Yet here I am feeling like most people have taken a step back from me. I don't think people know better, I honestly think most people feel like they just need to let me be left alone to heal, but ultimately what ends up happening is just a lonely shell of soul not knowing how or what to really ask for. The physical stuff is the easiest. I don't have the strength to make a meal, ask for a meal. I have errands to run, ask for someone to take the kids. How do you verbalize to people, "Man I really wish someone would call and pray over me today. Or why won't someone invite me to go shopping, or to the movies?" I crave someone to call and ask me specific questions that aren't "how are you feeling?" "how was this chemo?" "has Jeff found a job?". I can't expect this kind of attention from Jeff. He has way too much on his plate and I feel so guilty asking him for more then even the basic needs because he is really doing the job of 3 people as is. I try to ask for little of him emotionally because my emotional needs from him now really consist of pouring into the kids and providing for us and the future of this family financially. I don't feel guilty or expect that he should give more than that. It has worked well for us in recent weeks (on an emotional level) and frankly, since he is home all day, we both probably really need to be poured into from the outside anyway. When you try to fill one another's empty cup with only the drops you have in your cup, in just doesn't fill very far.

I am going to vent a little here and I have resisted the temptation to do this for a few weeks, because I don't want to offend any of you, but in an effort to be as geniuine and real as I can I am going to pour out my heart a little more. I am tired of people telling me they will call me next week. I am tired of people saying, they keep meaning to call or follow up with us. I am tired of false promises and poor follow through. I am tired of "I've been meaning to..." or "I tried to..." I would rather people just say hi and be on there way. Frankly, they promise or fake attempt just serves to make me more disappointed and makes me jaded to people's inability to follow through. I am not going to pretend I am perfect in this area, that I have never promised or said something that I haven't followed through on, but lately I have become particularly jaded to this. I have chemo, a part-time job, two kids, a husband, a house project, a soap business and yet I still make it a priority to meet with students on campus, so follow up with specific other breast cancer survivors and go to church every Sunday. I have learned so much about what people in need really need, so I will let you in on the secret...they need consistency. They need people to do what they say they will. They need people around not only right after the crisis, but 3 months later. They need people to not only ask how they are doing, but make an appointment to sit down and listen to the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why I stand at the door with my coat on ready to leave is not really an indication that you intend to stick around and hear the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why you've invited me to a coffee shop, is.

I know a large part of it is that I didn't have the chance to really develop the close friendships that I need now in the 9 months we lived in Blacksburg before my cancer, so frankly I just don't know who I would call to dump on around here. I have always been guarded in making close friends. It took me almost 2 years to become vunerable enough to share and learn about my dear kindred friend, Pamela, and once I did, I wish I had known her my whole life. Here is a woman that 250 miles away has learned more about me emotionally in the last few months than anyone else. I miss you Pamela.

So this entry was probably more than most of you all bargained for. I hope it doesn't make you feel guilty, that was not my intent. I really just wanted to share more of where my heart has been. I read a perfect quote this morning that really captured the esssence of my feelings, "Lord, please come forward because my boat is so tiny and this sea is so big."

Please pray that Jeff and I would feel comforted by how the Lord chooses to meet our needs. Please pray that we wouldn't have to reach out anymore, that maybe we could feel some reaching in. Please pray that I would be quickly healed from this latest sickness. Please pray for a safe return for my two men. Please pray for our house project that I could find the joy in it and I could be excited about all the ministry that will happen there someday.

thanks
Kat