Goodbye Wig, you were a good ship for the journey...

Well, its time. No more bandanas, no more hat disguises (saving the hats strictly for the cold weather now) and no more wig. I made the decision last weekend. My hair is grown out to the point that it is a short "pixie" cut and my days of being in denial about having short hair for the next few months, are now over. I ran out of "wig hairspray" last week and I took it as a sign from God that it was time to ditch the wig and bandanas and just embrace the new me. This was a MAJOR emotional hurtle for me. I feel like I am in the midst of that dream where you show up to work or school naked. I have never noticed people staring at me as much as I do now. My first reaction is usually belligerent, like I should turn around and scream, "take a picture, it lasts longer." I know all that crap about how you are not supposed to care what other people think, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I do. I wonder if they think I am some crazy progressive chick who chose to embrace her Demi Moore, GI Jane side and do this to my hair on purpose. I wonder if they question my gender or my sexuality. Yes, I know all the junk about how this shouldn't matter, my physical self is not where my identity lies, blah, blah, blah. The truth is, not only is there some identity for all of us based on our physical selves, but for me I have been forced to define myself for the last 6 months almost solely on what my body has chosen to dish out (or not dish out) on a daily basis. Its largely been out of my control and it has been DRAMATIC changes.

I struggle a great deal with my femininity. I have never been a "girly girl." I would classify myself as somewhat of a tom-boy, but now that I have had my boobs and long locks taken from me, I feel the need to scream from the rooftops, "I AM STILL A WOMAN, I LOVE BEING A WOMAN, I EMBRACE BEING A WOMAN, I WANT OTHERS TO KNOW I AM A WOMAN!!!" I find myself upping my makeup usage and putting more jewelry on just to feel feminine again. Sure there are plenty of women out there who are flat chested and have short hair and pull both of those things off quite eloquently, but its the suddenness of all this and the lack of control that throws off my balance so much. I have not had short hair since my early elementary years and I find it quite high maintenance. I had to ask a dear friend of mine, "How does one deal with 'bed-head'?" I am now putting all these waxes and gels in my hair that I never experienced before. I am anxious to color it and make it my own again.

On a side note, my hair grows quite quick. All those years of belly aching about plucking and shaving, mono-brow avoiding and thick hair has served me well. Of all my dear breast cancer buddies following through this journey alongside me, none of them have hair growth even close to mine. I am likely double what they have. I will never again complain about my hair, never. If you ever hear that from me, punch me, I deserve it. My eyebrows have completely returned and I didn't realize how the thinness of my eyebrows had made me look so gaunt until I look back on my pictures from the last few months.

I am amazed by how much time I have now. I had not really grasped how much time dealing with cancer really takes. I had mentioned in my last blog that I was quitting Starbucks, largely because I felt like it was so time consuming. However, now through a significant raise, reduced hours and a new sense of the value of my time I have decided to stick around, realizing it is not quite the burden I had felt it was before. As a side note, my brother Matt got hired as a shift manager at my same store and is now technically my boss. (I know, for those of you who know us, that is a chuckle.) Not that he is not able, but as his "big sister" I take to bossing him around sometimes. I have really enjoyed having him around and I am proud that he is becoming a coffee lover. Still can't get my dad off that nasty instant stuff though, go figure.

I have some projects in the works. I have returned to graphic design work (if I hadn't mentioned that before, I do graphic design work for some of Jeff's web clients. Our personal side business for this stuff is called "Willow Pond Designs", named after the pond with a willow in the middle in our backyard.

Speaking of backyard, OUR HOUSE IS AMAZING! I won't lie, it is everything we wanted it to be and more. It was definitely a labor of love, but it already feels like home. We have been trying to open its doors to use as much as possible with small groups, super bowl parties and gatherings. We hope many people will find their way through our doors for decades to come. We prayed that it would be a blessing to all who enter, because we know all too well that it is a gift and every gift on this earth is temporary. Maybe on my next post I will try and post some pictures. I am trying to stop feeling bad for how beautiful it is, and embrace that the Lord has allowed us to have this responsibility of this house so that we can use it for his work and his glory. We have tried to communicate to everyone we can that this house is open for ministry, storage for the church, group gatherings, parent guest room, whatever blesses them and advances their work for the Lord. To all of you we extend and open invitation to come spend some time down here in our little peace of country, watch Bob the resident Blue Heron come for his daily visit in our pond, the family of 6 deer who love the grass over our drain field and the beautiful mountains that surround us on all sides. If you need some time away from your chaos, give us a call.

As for an update on my surgeries, doctors, etc. I have two appointments with 2 of the top plastic surgeons on the East Coast at Georgetown Hospital and Johns Hopkins, at the end of February. Both specialize in breast reconstruction and revisions of breast reconstructions that people are unhappy with. Please pray that I would be guided to the next step in my reconstruction journey, to help me regain some of my womanhood again. My hometown plastic surgeon has been quite gracious in making it clear that he would work alongside either of these surgeons to do my follow-up care with future surgeries. I appreciated this gesture immensely, and it made me feel like he had my best interests at heart.

Lastly, I just celebrated my 32nd birthday on January 28th. It was a very emotional weekend for me that I kept pretty close to my vest. I woke up that morning just thankful for the chance to have another year of life. I fought tears most of that weekend, but didn't really share that much with my family who came together to make my favorite spaghetti meal and share my favorite ice cream cake (Ben & Jerry's coconut almond fudge chip) I am pretty sure if they have food in heaven, those two things will be on the menu. So much of me wanted to be spoiled and pampered and have everyone scream, "I AM SO GLAD GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TO US FOR ANOTHER YEAR!!!!", but I didn't know quite how to verbalize that feeling mixed with wonder of what the future holds. I love birthdays, I always have, and I know I will even more now that each one represents such a tangible gift to me of how much of a gift life is.

Blessings to you dear friends,
Kat