Today is my One Year Cancerversary.

One year ago today at 3:30 pm, my life changed forever. I can picture where I was standing, right by the stove in the kitchen of our rental place. Jeff was sitting at the table and the kids were running around playing. I had the full expectation that the Dr. was calling to tell me that the biopsy was fine and the results were negative. Then he said, "I'm sorry, I can't believe it myself, but the results were positive." I remember thinking, "Positive is good, wait no, positive is bad, wait no, is he saying its cancer?" I became numb all over and walked out of the room to collect my thoughts enough to begin asking questions. I knew I would remember very little of what he said from then on so I grabbed a pen and scrap of paper. I said, "I know I won't remember this later, so can you tell me exactly what I need to know right now word for word so I can begin to process this. " He recited a lot of lingo from the pathology. I then asked, "we are going to Disney in a few weeks, can this wait until after we come back?" He then said, "I think it is doubtful you will be taking that trip to Disney, this needs to be dealt with immediately, this is the most aggressive type of cancer."

And with those words, I became a breast cancer survivor. There is much discussion in the breast cancer world as to when you start marking your point at which you went from being an average Joe walking down the street to the "breast cancer survivor." Is it from the point of diagnosis? Is it from the point at which you had you surgery to remove the cancer? Is it when you are done with treatments? Though these are all important milestones, for me I began the process of "surviving" the hour I was diagnosed. If you are thrown into the pool and tread water for a while you don't count your journey from when you are pulled out of the pool, you mark it from when you were thrown into the water.

I had been thinking about this day all week, but today I woke up early to work at Starbucks and didn't think about the date of today until about noon. I don't plan to make a huge deal about it, I guess you could call it a quiet acknowledgment in my heart of what this day means to me. In some ways I am thrilled to be at this place, alive, hair growing back, breasts in process. I remember thinking very early on last year that I couldn't wait to be a year out and looking back on all the stuff that laid ahead at that time. I am also sad that my life is forever changed. I will always wonder if a little ache or pain is the cancer returning. I will always look closer at articles about people diagnosed with cancer or stories about new technologies and treatments. I will from here on out be an oncology patient. No one ever wants to have an oncology Dr. in their rolodex, despite how much I like my doctor.

Since diagnosis, I have done support groups, Relay for Life, Race for the Cure and shared at several events, I will always wear the "survivor" color shirt at these events. I will always look at the driver of a car with a pink ribbon magnet on it and wonder, "how long has she been a survivor? How is she doing?" I will always be able to pick out women wearing wigs, because I have been there and I know the subtle signs. I will always know the best pain killers, anti nausea meds, surgery tricks and quick heals. As nice as it is to share these things for others, I wish I didn't know them.

I will always be able to look in the eyes of another survivor and without saying a word, be able to read the shared pain and fear we share.

Today, I am a one year survivor. Today I feel hope mixed with an anxious future of what the Lord holds in his plan for me. Today, I am so thankful for those who carried me through and the blessings I have each day. Today, I am grateful for another year of life.

Kat

p.s. We did make that trip to Disney last year, just three weeks after my double mastectomy. We purchased an annual pass, because we knew we would return in a year's time to celebrate our victory over cancer. So on Tuesday, June 12th, we leave for Disney, to start that celebration of a long life ahead.