Took a couple days off

I decided I couldn't talk about life for a few days. Since the majority of life now a days has something to do with Cancer I feel like some days I just want a break from my own life. Thursday we leave for Disney World. I can't think of any where else on this earth I would rather be. I was excited a year ago when we started planning this trip, now I am over the moon about it. I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas. I want to experience the healing power of Mickey Mouse and the "Magic Kingdom".

I have had an ongoing dialogue with God about all this since day one. Some days its pleading, some days its frustration, some days its the desperation to experience His peace. The last few days has been a seeking of discernment of the next decisions I have ahead. As funny as it may seem to some, the decision to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction was not difficult for me. Though it was offered, I didn't even consider the lumpectomy. 90% of that is the mental feeling that my breasts were some diseased part of me that I had to be rid of, combined with the feeling that if I could even buy 1-2% odds in my favor that the cancer would not return, I would take it. The next decision in this journey is a little more complicated.

Enter Chemo....I knew I would have chemo all along. It is an age thing and the type of cancer they found. If I were a 65 year old with the same diagnosis, I may have been fine with the surgery. But, at 31, all parties agree that I have a 30% chance that cancer could return in my body in my lifetime, so chemo is a must.

Chemo is not black or white, there are many shades of grey. I assumed I would just opt for the most aggressive option on all fronts and though it would suck for 6 months as I was going through it, it would help me fight better. Well, I am learning it is not that cut and dry. I am offered AC for 4 cycles (21 days apart), or TC for 4 cycles (similar to AC with perhaps less drain on your heart, but may not be quite as aggressive, they just don't know the long term implications) or if I get picked for the magic formula in the randomized study I could get 6 rounds of FEC. This is believed to be the most aggressive of these three options, but again they just don't know 10, 15, 20 years if it is, that's the point of the study. This is the standard of treatment in Europe, so I know its at least as aggressive and I like the possibility it could be more so, even though I will have to endure 2 additional chemo treatments. However, I have no control over whether I get this or AC, its all decided by a computer somewhere. Lastly, there are some people who believe you should be really aggressive and have 4 rounds of AC and 4 rounds of Taxol after. The problem with this is that it is much tougher on your body, heart and long term wear and tear. There is no evidence that supports the idea that adding taxol to your treatment will change your eventual outcome in the longterm. They have had great results with it with people who have positive lymph nodes (which thankfully I do not), but they have no indication that it makes any difference in node negative patients. There is of course that nagging feeling that maybe one extra drug will make the difference someday. I just don't know, and will never know if that one drug made a difference or not.

I have learned A TON about the chemicals involved in chemo in the last few days. I thank my William & Mary degree for teaching me the value of detailed research. Who knew this liberal arts major would someday wish she had taken more science classes.

On the spiritual side of things, I HAVE to believe that the Lord will not allow me to pursue the option that he has not perfectly laid out for me. I can't exist outside of what he knows is already going to happen. I pray that he will make my decision on this abundantly clear and since He already did that with my surgery, I know it is possible. I have decided to "throw out my fleece" (for those of you who are not sure about that term, I have used it before, but I will let you pursue the Bible, look for Gideon, follow his life story, you will get it.) I have decided to enter the study and hope for the FEC. I honestly believe that God is leading me in this direction. If I am not chosen for the FEC, I can continue with AC or pull out of the study and seek other options. I also have a second opinion scheduled with a Christian Oncologist at the end of July. I am hoping he will shed light on what I have already received consule about.

As a funny side not to all this, we are getting ready for Disney World. As part of that process I have to buy a new swim suit, since none of my old ones that have "built in bras" will work with my current flat-chested silhouette. I can hear a big "Amen" from all my sisters in life out there who know that swim suit shopping is annoying enough, without having to account for covering large scars and finding something without a built in bra. Wish me luck as I continue this pursuit. I am determined to swim while we are in Florida.

Please keep praying for my heart as I let the fear creep in sometimes. I want to feel the Lord's fresh blessings new every morning and not awake to uncertainty and fear of what my future holds. Please pray that my chemo decision would be made for me, by all other options being dismissed. Please pray that our family has the most amazing vacation that restarts our lives of freedom from fear and worry. --Kat