How am I doing, Really?

People keep asking me, "How are you doing, Really?" I don't blame them one bit. Let's face it, we've all done it, answered that question, "fine" when we really don't believe the answer. Usually just to move on the next thing, not open up to some vunerability or because we can't be bothered with the real answer. I've done it a thousand times, so what's the real answer for me?

Well in the last few weeks its changed daily, sometimes hourly. However, since going on vacation and even (much to my surprise) since being back, I can answer honestly I am doing really well, dare I even say (insert whisper) great?

I won't say I never have my moments of fear of death, fear of chemo, fear of vomiting my way through the next 4 months, but in general I feel like I am being taken care of by the ultimate nurse, our Lord. Some of you will read that and say, "Amen, sister!" others of you will read that and say, "oh, brother, what a whack job, this cancer thing really made her nuts." Only those who have really experienced what its like to be in the midst of the storm may understand. That story of Jesus in the storm has really spoken to me in recent months. I read it in church one day. I am sure I have heard it a thousand times before, but it was different this time. It goes something like this...

Jesus is in a boat with some of his disciples. They are trying to fish, he is trying to get some shut-eye. Who knows why he is sleeping, its not like he wasn't a busy guy. Maybe he had had a lot of talks that day, maybe a lot of healings, maybe he had been traveling for days, maybe he was just exhausted from dealing with all the emotional needs and wants of others (boy, haven't we all been there at some point or other) but he was snoozin'. So then all hell brakes loose. A storm (like something out of the perfect storm) hits them like a hurricane. Here's the kicker and the part that recently got to me. JESUS IS STILL ASLEEP! I read that about 2 weeks after my diagnosis and I even wrote a note next to the margin that said, "do I feel like he is still asleep in my storm?" The disciples are in a panic that they will die. (I am in a panic that I will die) and Jesus is still asleep, why???? Here's the good news...

If I were asleep and the kids started into panic, but I knew before I fell asleep that this panic would be over nothing and that I was going to fix it just fine when I woke up and (most importantly) if I knew that no harm would come to them during whatever crisis they were experiencing, I might keep sleeping too. That's Jesus. He knew. He knew that the storm was not going to harm them, almost as trivial as when I know that my daughter's life is not going to end when she can't find a hair clip to match her outfit.

Why didn't the disciples know? I mean come on, Jesus had healed, calmed and restored endless times for all of them to see. Why didn't I know, I mean Jesus had healed me when I thought Bethany was going to be born way too soon (despite many doctors disbelief), Jesus had calmed me when I was scared about all my boyfriend break-ups, test flunkings, or disappointing someone I cared for. Jesus had restored me when I thought I would never get married, or when someone hurt me. Why didn't I know that he was sleeping in my storm, because he knew I would not be harmed?

I imagine I will struggle with that on and off for a long time. But for now, thanks to good doctors, a great network of family and friends and a true peace that can only come from the Lord, I feel like my storm may not be calm, but I can hold onto the helm and know that Jesus will come to captain the ship when it becomes too much for me to deal with.

Does that mean I won't have pain, vomiting, or heartache? No. Does that mean I won't die someday? Of course not. Does it mean that I can wake up everyday and be thankful that I even have the chance to ride out the storm? Absolutely.

So how am I doing, really? I am thankful and peaceful about the fact that I even have a seat on the boat. I feel like life can and will go on for me. I feel like I will take one Savior on board asleep and all powerful, then no savior at all. That's how I am doing, really.