One year ago today at 3:30 pm, my life changed forever. I can picture where I was standing, right by the stove in the kitchen of our rental place. Jeff was sitting at the table and the kids were running around playing. I had the full expectation that the Dr. was calling to tell me that the biopsy was fine and the results were negative. Then he said, "I'm sorry, I can't believe it myself, but the results were positive." I remember thinking, "Positive is good, wait no, positive is bad, wait no, is he saying its cancer?" I became numb all over and walked out of the room to collect my thoughts enough to begin asking questions. I knew I would remember very little of what he said from then on so I grabbed a pen and scrap of paper. I said, "I know I won't remember this later, so can you tell me exactly what I need to know right now word for word so I can begin to process this. " He recited a lot of lingo from the pathology. I then asked, "we are going to Disney in a few weeks, can this wait until after we come back?" He then said, "I think it is doubtful you will be taking that trip to Disney, this needs to be dealt with immediately, this is the most aggressive type of cancer."
And with those words, I became a breast cancer survivor. There is much discussion in the breast cancer world as to when you start marking your point at which you went from being an average Joe walking down the street to the "breast cancer survivor." Is it from the point of diagnosis? Is it from the point at which you had you surgery to remove the cancer? Is it when you are done with treatments? Though these are all important milestones, for me I began the process of "surviving" the hour I was diagnosed. If you are thrown into the pool and tread water for a while you don't count your journey from when you are pulled out of the pool, you mark it from when you were thrown into the water.
I had been thinking about this day all week, but today I woke up early to work at Starbucks and didn't think about the date of today until about noon. I don't plan to make a huge deal about it, I guess you could call it a quiet acknowledgment in my heart of what this day means to me. In some ways I am thrilled to be at this place, alive, hair growing back, breasts in process. I remember thinking very early on last year that I couldn't wait to be a year out and looking back on all the stuff that laid ahead at that time. I am also sad that my life is forever changed. I will always wonder if a little ache or pain is the cancer returning. I will always look closer at articles about people diagnosed with cancer or stories about new technologies and treatments. I will from here on out be an oncology patient. No one ever wants to have an oncology Dr. in their rolodex, despite how much I like my doctor.
Since diagnosis, I have done support groups, Relay for Life, Race for the Cure and shared at several events, I will always wear the "survivor" color shirt at these events. I will always look at the driver of a car with a pink ribbon magnet on it and wonder, "how long has she been a survivor? How is she doing?" I will always be able to pick out women wearing wigs, because I have been there and I know the subtle signs. I will always know the best pain killers, anti nausea meds, surgery tricks and quick heals. As nice as it is to share these things for others, I wish I didn't know them.
I will always be able to look in the eyes of another survivor and without saying a word, be able to read the shared pain and fear we share.
Today, I am a one year survivor. Today I feel hope mixed with an anxious future of what the Lord holds in his plan for me. Today, I am so thankful for those who carried me through and the blessings I have each day. Today, I am grateful for another year of life.
Kat
p.s. We did make that trip to Disney last year, just three weeks after my double mastectomy. We purchased an annual pass, because we knew we would return in a year's time to celebrate our victory over cancer. So on Tuesday, June 12th, we leave for Disney, to start that celebration of a long life ahead.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Picking up the pieces after tragedy pays an unwelcome visit.
I can't believe its only been 3 days since a madman took the innocence from our town. It feels like we have lived a lifetime in the last few days and our world's have changed.
First, let me start by saying many thanks to your outpouring of notes, emails and love. It is felt here in Blacksburg. I know it is powerless to hear such a major tragedy and not now how you can help, so I will give you two specific ways to help. First, is money. There are two organizations on campus that have been the backbone of some of the counseling and support provided to students and community in the last few days. While holding vigils, dinners, care packages and events are a needed thing, it comes with a financial cost too and these are not rich ministries. So I would like to ask you to consider making a financial donation to either New Life Christian Fellowship (NLCF) or InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.
NLCF is a church that is made up of about 95 % college students. Since students can"t give money or tithe like us working folk can, their financial resources are always being stretched to accomodate a regular attendance of 1,000 students. They have been everywhere this week and they are an amazing outreach to these students. To send a donation a check can be made out to: “NLCF” and send it to PO Box 111 Blacksburg, VA 24060 or you can follow this link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_xclick&business=nlcfbburg%40gmail%2ecom&item_name=New%20Life%20Christian%20Fellowship&item_number=54%2d1306658&no_shipping=2&no_note=1&tax=0¤cy_code=USD&lc=US&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF&charset=UTF%2d8 and make a credit card donation online.
For InterVarsity, they are a group that I was heavily involved in at William & Mary, came on staff and worked for at Mary Washington and now volunteer with at VA Tech. They have an amazing outreach to students include large group gatherings, small groups and special events. Their staff of 3 has been stretched to its limits this week as they have watched some of their members die in this tragedy and now have to clean up the emotional and spiritual pieces left in its wake. To give to them you can make a donation by following this link: https://my.intervarsity.org/506777a65547e901f8e10b89b1150e52/donate.php Please make sure your donation is directed to "the staff workers at Virginia Tech. "
Second, please keep praying for these students and community. The media locusts will come, feed and leave, but the pain will still linger for a very long time. Some students will not return at all this semester. The school has given the students an option to finish their students online, or take their grade as is, and I know of many students that are taking this option. The community is reeling from the violation of our town. The media has overrun or town, sometimes good, but frankly mostly bad as they have sensationalized this story to sound as if we are a bunch of angry people stomping around demanding answers. In fact it is quite the contrary. Most people have spoken of defending the university and its actions and watching the news you would think otherwise. Jeff and I have had several requests for interviews, between the two of us we have been on a New Zealand radio show, Shepherd Smith's fox news show, requests from CNN, several local stations from different parts of the country and a local morning radio station. We feel the need to share the power of the Lord in the midst of this pain and present a positive message when there is so much negative information out there.
For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, you may remember me describing reading the story of Jesus calming the storm right after I was diagnosed. Here is an excerpt from that post:
Jesus is in a boat with some of his disciples. They are trying to fish, he is trying to get some shut-eye. Who knows why he is sleeping, its not like he wasn't a busy guy. Maybe he had had a lot of talks that day, maybe a lot of healings, maybe he had been traveling for days, maybe he was just exhausted from dealing with all the emotional needs and wants of others (boy, haven't we all been there at some point or other) but he was snoozin'. So then all hell brakes loose. A storm (like something out of the perfect storm) hits them like a hurricane. Here's the kicker and the part that recently got to me. JESUS IS STILL ASLEEP! I read that about 2 weeks after my diagnosis and I even wrote a note next to the margin that said, "do I feel like he is still asleep in my storm?" The disciples are in a panic that they will die. (I am in a panic that I will die) and Jesus is still asleep, why???? Here's the good news...If I were asleep and the kids started into panic, but I knew before I fell asleep that this panic would be over nothing and that I was going to fix it just fine when I woke up and (most importantly) if I knew that no harm would come to them during whatever crisis they were experiencing, I might keep sleeping too. That's Jesus. He knew. He knew that the storm was not going to harm them, almost as trivial as when I know that my daughter's life is not going to end when she can't find a hair clip to match her outfit. Why didn't the disciples know? I mean come on, Jesus had healed, calmed and restored endless times for all of them to see. Why didn't I know, I mean Jesus had healed me when I thought Bethany was going to be born way too soon (despite many doctors disbelief), Jesus had calmed me when I was scared about all my boyfriend break-ups, test flunkings, or disappointing someone I cared for. Jesus had restored me when I thought I would never get married, or when someone hurt me. Why didn't I know that he was sleeping in my storm, because he knew I would not be harmed?
I thought a lot about that passage this week. I know there are many families out there feeling like Jesus is asleep in the midst of their storm. Some of you may be wondering when he going to show up to save our country from the wind and the rain, just screaming inside, "JESUS, WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED!!!", but you don't feel like he has. Well, I can tell you as one of the people rowing the boat, that if he were a useless God, he would be dead, and he isn't, he is very much alive. He is alive and ready to save us all from the death of the storm. It sure as heck, doesn't feel that way when we are tasting the salt water on our lips and trying to keep our boat upright, but he knows that he will care his children, but sometimes that is in Heaven and not here on earth. Sometimes it is in the awakening we get in our own lives when we confront such a tragedy as this. Sometimes it is in that thankfulness we have for the little moments we have with our family and friends. I loved what the mother of Mary Read said in response to hearing her daughter was killed this week. She said, "I may not understand why God took her when he did, but I am so thankful he allowed us to have her for the time we did." Jesus is weeping alongside all of us this week, and he wants so desperately to have a personal relationship with each of us in this intimate way. That is how I know he is not asleep in the midst of this storm, because he knows he will care for his children.
Please keep praying.
Go Hokies!
Kat
First, let me start by saying many thanks to your outpouring of notes, emails and love. It is felt here in Blacksburg. I know it is powerless to hear such a major tragedy and not now how you can help, so I will give you two specific ways to help. First, is money. There are two organizations on campus that have been the backbone of some of the counseling and support provided to students and community in the last few days. While holding vigils, dinners, care packages and events are a needed thing, it comes with a financial cost too and these are not rich ministries. So I would like to ask you to consider making a financial donation to either New Life Christian Fellowship (NLCF) or InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.
NLCF is a church that is made up of about 95 % college students. Since students can"t give money or tithe like us working folk can, their financial resources are always being stretched to accomodate a regular attendance of 1,000 students. They have been everywhere this week and they are an amazing outreach to these students. To send a donation a check can be made out to: “NLCF” and send it to PO Box 111 Blacksburg, VA 24060 or you can follow this link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_xclick&business=nlcfbburg%40gmail%2ecom&item_name=New%20Life%20Christian%20Fellowship&item_number=54%2d1306658&no_shipping=2&no_note=1&tax=0¤cy_code=USD&lc=US&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF&charset=UTF%2d8 and make a credit card donation online.
For InterVarsity, they are a group that I was heavily involved in at William & Mary, came on staff and worked for at Mary Washington and now volunteer with at VA Tech. They have an amazing outreach to students include large group gatherings, small groups and special events. Their staff of 3 has been stretched to its limits this week as they have watched some of their members die in this tragedy and now have to clean up the emotional and spiritual pieces left in its wake. To give to them you can make a donation by following this link: https://my.intervarsity.org/506777a65547e901f8e10b89b1150e52/donate.php Please make sure your donation is directed to "the staff workers at Virginia Tech. "
Second, please keep praying for these students and community. The media locusts will come, feed and leave, but the pain will still linger for a very long time. Some students will not return at all this semester. The school has given the students an option to finish their students online, or take their grade as is, and I know of many students that are taking this option. The community is reeling from the violation of our town. The media has overrun or town, sometimes good, but frankly mostly bad as they have sensationalized this story to sound as if we are a bunch of angry people stomping around demanding answers. In fact it is quite the contrary. Most people have spoken of defending the university and its actions and watching the news you would think otherwise. Jeff and I have had several requests for interviews, between the two of us we have been on a New Zealand radio show, Shepherd Smith's fox news show, requests from CNN, several local stations from different parts of the country and a local morning radio station. We feel the need to share the power of the Lord in the midst of this pain and present a positive message when there is so much negative information out there.
For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, you may remember me describing reading the story of Jesus calming the storm right after I was diagnosed. Here is an excerpt from that post:
Jesus is in a boat with some of his disciples. They are trying to fish, he is trying to get some shut-eye. Who knows why he is sleeping, its not like he wasn't a busy guy. Maybe he had had a lot of talks that day, maybe a lot of healings, maybe he had been traveling for days, maybe he was just exhausted from dealing with all the emotional needs and wants of others (boy, haven't we all been there at some point or other) but he was snoozin'. So then all hell brakes loose. A storm (like something out of the perfect storm) hits them like a hurricane. Here's the kicker and the part that recently got to me. JESUS IS STILL ASLEEP! I read that about 2 weeks after my diagnosis and I even wrote a note next to the margin that said, "do I feel like he is still asleep in my storm?" The disciples are in a panic that they will die. (I am in a panic that I will die) and Jesus is still asleep, why???? Here's the good news...If I were asleep and the kids started into panic, but I knew before I fell asleep that this panic would be over nothing and that I was going to fix it just fine when I woke up and (most importantly) if I knew that no harm would come to them during whatever crisis they were experiencing, I might keep sleeping too. That's Jesus. He knew. He knew that the storm was not going to harm them, almost as trivial as when I know that my daughter's life is not going to end when she can't find a hair clip to match her outfit. Why didn't the disciples know? I mean come on, Jesus had healed, calmed and restored endless times for all of them to see. Why didn't I know, I mean Jesus had healed me when I thought Bethany was going to be born way too soon (despite many doctors disbelief), Jesus had calmed me when I was scared about all my boyfriend break-ups, test flunkings, or disappointing someone I cared for. Jesus had restored me when I thought I would never get married, or when someone hurt me. Why didn't I know that he was sleeping in my storm, because he knew I would not be harmed?
I thought a lot about that passage this week. I know there are many families out there feeling like Jesus is asleep in the midst of their storm. Some of you may be wondering when he going to show up to save our country from the wind and the rain, just screaming inside, "JESUS, WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED!!!", but you don't feel like he has. Well, I can tell you as one of the people rowing the boat, that if he were a useless God, he would be dead, and he isn't, he is very much alive. He is alive and ready to save us all from the death of the storm. It sure as heck, doesn't feel that way when we are tasting the salt water on our lips and trying to keep our boat upright, but he knows that he will care his children, but sometimes that is in Heaven and not here on earth. Sometimes it is in the awakening we get in our own lives when we confront such a tragedy as this. Sometimes it is in that thankfulness we have for the little moments we have with our family and friends. I loved what the mother of Mary Read said in response to hearing her daughter was killed this week. She said, "I may not understand why God took her when he did, but I am so thankful he allowed us to have her for the time we did." Jesus is weeping alongside all of us this week, and he wants so desperately to have a personal relationship with each of us in this intimate way. That is how I know he is not asleep in the midst of this storm, because he knows he will care for his children.
Please keep praying.
Go Hokies!
Kat
Monday, April 16, 2007
The tragedy at Virginia Tech
I know unless you are living under a rock the last day, you will know that we have had a major tragedy here in Blacksburg, Virginia. I can't even begin to describe for you how this has rocked our little town of Blacksburg. We moved out of Northern Virginia to get out of this stuff. I thought we had seen the end of our "running from snipers" days when we moved out of Manassas. Today, I found myself walking into Starbucks with the exact feeling I had when the sniper was on the run in the DC area a few years ago.
I heard about the first shooting right away in the morning and then heard the details of the additional shootings as they unfolded, while I was working at Starbucks. We were the only place open in downtown Blacksburg. It was a mixed feeling of being upset we were still open, but proud that we were not going to let fear shut us down.
As the casualty numbers began to rise, I thought at first they were merely talking about injuries, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I realized they were talking about deaths.
As of now we don't know if we know anyone hurt or killed. We have heard of 2 people who are in our various ministry connections that are "missing", and we are hoping it is just a loss of confusion in the midst of almost no cell phone connection and scattered individuals.
We have allowed our phone number to be posted on Virginia Tech's InterVarsity's web site (a college ministry I have been involved with for over 10 years) and as a result we have gotten calls from all over the world. Just tonight, Jeff will be on the morning radio show for a Christian radio station in New Zealand. We have opened our house to students who need to get away from campus or parents who need a place to stay (there are many coming to town just to give their kids some comfort). Tomorrow we will babysit a bunch of kids as their parents attend a campus memorial service and we are hoping to host a dinner for students tomorrow night. We received a call from CNN asking if they could get footage of any prayer vigil or student gathering we hold, so we will see. We are trying to do our part to be there for others.
A dear friend of mine from high school (thanks Chris M.) turned me on to a book called "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving, which they later made into a movie called "Simon Birch". (Not nearly as good as the book) Basically, the essence of the story is that this misfit kid who never really fit in in life and spent a great deal of time alone develops this set of quirks and repetitive things that he likes to do. Sometimes it is the same types of disappointments repeating throughout his life. At the end this specific set of events form a major tragedy and Owen must use his long history of gifts, disappointments, quirks and will to save the day. He realizes his life full of disappointment and adversity prepared him for this moment. I felt like Owen Meany today. I understood grief in a depth I would not have known a year ago. I prayed in a way I could not have prayed a year ago and I understand the darkness the heart feels with such unexplainable pain. I guess I can thank cancer for that. I huddled around these students at this prayer vigil and was able to remove myself enough from the situation to truly be there for them. It was a good feeling.
Thank you for those of you who have contacted us. Please continue to pray for us as we try to comfort others. Please pray for Jeff as he wrestles with the tragedy that happened in a building he had many classes in and most importantly, please pray for the families of the victims.
Kat
I heard about the first shooting right away in the morning and then heard the details of the additional shootings as they unfolded, while I was working at Starbucks. We were the only place open in downtown Blacksburg. It was a mixed feeling of being upset we were still open, but proud that we were not going to let fear shut us down.
As the casualty numbers began to rise, I thought at first they were merely talking about injuries, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I realized they were talking about deaths.
As of now we don't know if we know anyone hurt or killed. We have heard of 2 people who are in our various ministry connections that are "missing", and we are hoping it is just a loss of confusion in the midst of almost no cell phone connection and scattered individuals.
We have allowed our phone number to be posted on Virginia Tech's InterVarsity's web site (a college ministry I have been involved with for over 10 years) and as a result we have gotten calls from all over the world. Just tonight, Jeff will be on the morning radio show for a Christian radio station in New Zealand. We have opened our house to students who need to get away from campus or parents who need a place to stay (there are many coming to town just to give their kids some comfort). Tomorrow we will babysit a bunch of kids as their parents attend a campus memorial service and we are hoping to host a dinner for students tomorrow night. We received a call from CNN asking if they could get footage of any prayer vigil or student gathering we hold, so we will see. We are trying to do our part to be there for others.
A dear friend of mine from high school (thanks Chris M.) turned me on to a book called "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving, which they later made into a movie called "Simon Birch". (Not nearly as good as the book) Basically, the essence of the story is that this misfit kid who never really fit in in life and spent a great deal of time alone develops this set of quirks and repetitive things that he likes to do. Sometimes it is the same types of disappointments repeating throughout his life. At the end this specific set of events form a major tragedy and Owen must use his long history of gifts, disappointments, quirks and will to save the day. He realizes his life full of disappointment and adversity prepared him for this moment. I felt like Owen Meany today. I understood grief in a depth I would not have known a year ago. I prayed in a way I could not have prayed a year ago and I understand the darkness the heart feels with such unexplainable pain. I guess I can thank cancer for that. I huddled around these students at this prayer vigil and was able to remove myself enough from the situation to truly be there for them. It was a good feeling.
Thank you for those of you who have contacted us. Please continue to pray for us as we try to comfort others. Please pray for Jeff as he wrestles with the tragedy that happened in a building he had many classes in and most importantly, please pray for the families of the victims.
Kat
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
See my life could be more stressful -- life lessons from nature
I had to post this. We have a stubborn bird that is always sitting smack dab in the middle of the driveway when we drive in and out of our new house. Today I walked up the driveway and found out that she had LAID EGGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVEWAY! I am not sure what we are going to do when her chicks come. 
On a spiritual level it made me realize how much life there is in the midst of the chaos and danger of the world. Boy, I thought my life was stressful, no wonder why she is so upset everytime we drive in and out. I wonder how many of us have cars driving over the top of us when we are just trying to be quiet and raise our families.
On a spiritual level it made me realize how much life there is in the midst of the chaos and danger of the world. Boy, I thought my life was stressful, no wonder why she is so upset everytime we drive in and out. I wonder how many of us have cars driving over the top of us when we are just trying to be quiet and raise our families.Kat
Monday, March 26, 2007
Its turns out all the king's horses and all the king's men, can put Humpty Dumpty back together again...
Or at least all the "Dr. Right's" and his fellows and residents can put Kat back together again...
This blog entry is a huge praise for the miracle of modern medicine and plastic surgeon's that are artists. I spoke in my last entry about finding "Dr. Right", Dr. Scott Spear at Georgetown University Hospital in DC. Jeff was not able to go to Northern Virginia with me for the surgery, because Bethany got strep throat after being on an antibiotic for a ruptured ear drum (I am not sure how that happened, but after 5 days out of school they needed to be home to go back to school.) So Liam and I ventured off for the 4 hour journey to my mom's house, with at least a week's worth of clothes, because I just didn't know what my recovery would be like.
On March 9th I went under the knife once again. Dr. Spear entered the pre-op room with no less than 7 people in tow. There were fellows and interns and residents and nurses. The people just kept filing in. I guess that is part of what comes with having surgery at a teaching hospital, you get a village, not just the chief. It was kind of cool to think that all of these people were coming together for several hours just to make sure I had nice looking breasts again. My dad got up at 5 am and hung out at GU all day just to take care of his little girl. He even had a conversation with a dear friend of mine (a fellow young breast cancer survivor) who lives in Georgetown and came to check on my progress. Meanwhile, mom was home chasing Liam the wild man, around in circles.
The surgery was scheduled to take an hour and a half, but actually ended up being 3 hours because he had to do some muscle fixing, suturing and rearranging once he got in there. It also ended up being quite a bit more painful then I had bargained for. Pretty close to the pain I experienced after the initial mastectomies. Anytime you are operating on muscle, you can pretty much guarantee you will have a lot more pain. Even now, 3 weeks later, I still feel some tightness and pain when I stretch or lay on my sides. It will pass eventually.
WARNING...detailed Breast info in the next paragraph...
So you are dying to know.....how do they look? THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Jeff and I have both come to the conclusion that they are possibly better looking than my pre-cancer breasts. Yes, they really do look that good. Dr. Spear is truly an artist. I don't know where he stands spiritually, but if God gives out the gift of crafting nice breasts, Dr. Spear has it. He was able to do things I didn't even think was possible, like making my previous scars almost undetectable. I did come out of surgery with a lot more pain and two drains (two tubes and bulb shaped plastic balls that go inside your incisions and drain excess fluid, you have to empty them several times a day.) They are just as gross as they sound. Fortunately, I only had them in for 3 days (after my mastectomies it was over a week). All that being said, it was totally worth it for the results. I am now the living embodiment of "no pain, no gain." I am probably about a small "D" cup now (bigger than my natural breasts, but so pretty if I do say so myself)
BACK TO GENERAL TALK AGAIN....
I have tissue expanders in and will have to wait until the fall to switch them back to silicone implants again. One, because the Dr. wants to let them settle out and see what adjustments might need to be made and two, since they FDA has approved silicone implants for everyone now, now there is a several month waiting list for the Dr.'s implants of choice. bummer.
Now, I am recovering and trying to get back to normal again. Not just a "new" normal after cancer, but the good old fashioned normal of laundry, getting grass to grow, changing diapers (yes, no luck on the potty training front yet) and running errands. Its funny how much you miss this normal stuff when it gets taken from you for a few months, so try to find a little joy in these things, if just as an homage to all us cancer survivors out there.
Thank you for your ongoing prayers. Please pray for my family and friends as two of them have a double mastectomy and hysterectomy coming up. I am just tired of surgeries for me and those around me. I don't want to be the resident expert on these things, but I seem to be a lot lately, and its not something I want on my resume.
blessings to you all
Kat
This blog entry is a huge praise for the miracle of modern medicine and plastic surgeon's that are artists. I spoke in my last entry about finding "Dr. Right", Dr. Scott Spear at Georgetown University Hospital in DC. Jeff was not able to go to Northern Virginia with me for the surgery, because Bethany got strep throat after being on an antibiotic for a ruptured ear drum (I am not sure how that happened, but after 5 days out of school they needed to be home to go back to school.) So Liam and I ventured off for the 4 hour journey to my mom's house, with at least a week's worth of clothes, because I just didn't know what my recovery would be like.
On March 9th I went under the knife once again. Dr. Spear entered the pre-op room with no less than 7 people in tow. There were fellows and interns and residents and nurses. The people just kept filing in. I guess that is part of what comes with having surgery at a teaching hospital, you get a village, not just the chief. It was kind of cool to think that all of these people were coming together for several hours just to make sure I had nice looking breasts again. My dad got up at 5 am and hung out at GU all day just to take care of his little girl. He even had a conversation with a dear friend of mine (a fellow young breast cancer survivor) who lives in Georgetown and came to check on my progress. Meanwhile, mom was home chasing Liam the wild man, around in circles.
The surgery was scheduled to take an hour and a half, but actually ended up being 3 hours because he had to do some muscle fixing, suturing and rearranging once he got in there. It also ended up being quite a bit more painful then I had bargained for. Pretty close to the pain I experienced after the initial mastectomies. Anytime you are operating on muscle, you can pretty much guarantee you will have a lot more pain. Even now, 3 weeks later, I still feel some tightness and pain when I stretch or lay on my sides. It will pass eventually.
WARNING...detailed Breast info in the next paragraph...
So you are dying to know.....how do they look? THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Jeff and I have both come to the conclusion that they are possibly better looking than my pre-cancer breasts. Yes, they really do look that good. Dr. Spear is truly an artist. I don't know where he stands spiritually, but if God gives out the gift of crafting nice breasts, Dr. Spear has it. He was able to do things I didn't even think was possible, like making my previous scars almost undetectable. I did come out of surgery with a lot more pain and two drains (two tubes and bulb shaped plastic balls that go inside your incisions and drain excess fluid, you have to empty them several times a day.) They are just as gross as they sound. Fortunately, I only had them in for 3 days (after my mastectomies it was over a week). All that being said, it was totally worth it for the results. I am now the living embodiment of "no pain, no gain." I am probably about a small "D" cup now (bigger than my natural breasts, but so pretty if I do say so myself)
BACK TO GENERAL TALK AGAIN....
I have tissue expanders in and will have to wait until the fall to switch them back to silicone implants again. One, because the Dr. wants to let them settle out and see what adjustments might need to be made and two, since they FDA has approved silicone implants for everyone now, now there is a several month waiting list for the Dr.'s implants of choice. bummer.
Now, I am recovering and trying to get back to normal again. Not just a "new" normal after cancer, but the good old fashioned normal of laundry, getting grass to grow, changing diapers (yes, no luck on the potty training front yet) and running errands. Its funny how much you miss this normal stuff when it gets taken from you for a few months, so try to find a little joy in these things, if just as an homage to all us cancer survivors out there.
Thank you for your ongoing prayers. Please pray for my family and friends as two of them have a double mastectomy and hysterectomy coming up. I am just tired of surgeries for me and those around me. I don't want to be the resident expert on these things, but I seem to be a lot lately, and its not something I want on my resume.
blessings to you all
Kat
Friday, March 02, 2007
Paging "Dr. Right"
OK, so my last surgery was a plane crash. A fiery inferno that landed on my chest with extra scars and a flat chest, but I still walked out of the wreckage. Let's just say, I decided not to fly that airline anymore. After December's surgery I decided to put on my medical student hat again and learn everything there is to know about breast reconstruction after mastectomy. I did this kind of research with my oncology, chemo, choice of surgery, and I did not do this for my plastic surgery and reconstruction. I really have no regrets about this though. I know if the same situation presented itself again, but I have the knowledge I do now, I might not have made any different choices. At the time I had to decide about my reconstruction, I just wanted the cancer out. So I focused on getting the cancer out with the right general surgeon and keeping it out with the right treatment and oncology plan, but I did not do my research on what I really wanted and more importantly, what I could get or was reasonable to expect from my reconstruction. I don't beat myself up about this, I just chalk it up as lesson learned and hope that by sharing what I have learned with other women (like the women on my favorite Breast cancer site, or my online support group) that I can help prevent them experiencing some of the same disappointment I had.
I could write a whole blog on what I learned not to do through the reconstruction process, and I will in the future, but for now I will share with you my personal process that I have arrived at in the last few months.
After December's surgery I decided to research the literature and cancer sites to find out who was the best of the best in terms of breast reconstruction. There are some who specialize in different types of reconstruction, so I was looking for the Dr. who was the best at breast reconstruction from implants. All of my research and looking at who authored some major studies on the subject, kept leading me back to one man, Dr. Scott Spear in Georgetown, DC at Georgetown Hospital. I called for an appointment and had one scheduled for the weekend I was going to be in town anyway for a breast cancer conference with Young Survival Coalition. Last weekend, we had this conference (an amazing weekend for me) -- more on that later. Monday morning Jeff and I braved the 6 inches of snow they got in the DC area the day before and met with Dr. Spear.
You can tell when you have entered the office of someone in high demand because we had to go through several "layers" of staff and interviews before he would see us. I was told to sit in a very specific chair (Jeff and I had to switch places) and they had very specific methods for doing things. I had been warned that Dr. Spear was all about business and not a small talk kind of guy. I was totally OK with this. He doesn't have to be my friend as long as he is great with a scalpel. I imagine if I was earlier in this process or had just been diagnosed, this might be more of an issue, but it wasn't for me.
My prayer for the last few weeks has been that I would walk in there and he would say, "We can absolutely get you the breasts you want" with no hesitation. Several people have asked me what exactly is wrong with my breasts now, is it just that they are too small? The answer to this question is No, its more than that. (Warning: Boobie details coming)....I was told I would never be able to have breasts as large as I had before cancer (a full C cup) because the implant was behind the muscle you could only go so large. I have since learned this in not the case, it just requires different techniques in getting the implant in there. So I would like to be as close (or maybe a little bigger, wink, wink) to that previous size I was before. Dr. Spear said, No problem. Second, my breasts are VERY far apart right now, at least 6 inches apart. The edge of my implant is actually under my armpit. I was told that I could not get them any closer without damaging the pectoral muscle or keeping them behind the muscle. I have also since learned that this is not the case. I want cleavage again. Dr. Spear said, No problem. Third, I have some "hills and valleys" on the overall breast shape (one huge valley on the left side) that need to be rounded out to look more breast shaped, Dr. Spear said No, problem. In fact, he said in the final surgery he sometimes uses body fat from other parts of the body to fill in any of these type of imperfections. (So you mean I might get a small liposuction out of the deal? SIGN ME UP!) Lastly, I had two more large scars on my chest from my second surgery. I had understood that I was going to have additional scars, but I I thought they would be small inch long incisions, instead they are 3 inch incisions and quite large. I have since learned that going through the original incision is the common practice for final implant placement and has been proven to have little or no affect on infection or incision healing. Unfortunately, there is nothing Dr. Spear can do to get rid of these additional scars, but he can do all my procedures from here forward through my original mastectomy scars and perhaps clean them up a little along the way. Three out of four requests is not bad. I realize there are some people reading this blog who may want to know what my breasts look like now for the sake of your own reconstruction journey or perhaps to share with someone you know going through this journey. If that is the case, you may email me and I will be happy to show you pictures of my current chest. I will admit it is something I am embarrassed by, but I think is important to share with others on this journey, because I wish I had seen the good with the bad when I started on my own journey.
How will he do this? I guess cancer is a lot of "one step forward, two steps back" at times. He gave me the option of having one more surgery where he puts in a larger implant, but admitted I would not likely have the cosmetic results I would desire. He is 5 hours away from me, so logistically this presents additional issues in terms of future surgeries and follow-up appointments, but I know now that it is worth taking some additional time to get things right. I have learned one thing very clearly through cancer. It is much easier to live a life of patient decisions then of distant regrets. With that being said, we decided to go back to tissue expanders. Goodbye, nice soft implants, here comes large rocks on my chest again. Then after several more large (and likely quite painful) expansions I will have enough stretch of my muscle and skin to get the best situation for Dr. Spear to work with.
So where does that leave me? I decided Dr. Spear was "Dr. Right" and his DETAILED measurements of my chest and outlining my plan from this point forward showed me that he really knows his stuff and was creating the best plan for me. He normally has a 2-3 month waiting list for non-emergency surgeries of this type, so I went out to meet with receptionist and get on "the list". THIS IS HOW I KNOW OUR GOD IS A PERSONAL GOD WHO CARES ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS....His receptionist told me he had a cancellation for THIS Friday, March 9th, would I like the slot? I jumped at the opportunity, and signed up. So, this Friday, we will travel back up to NoVA and I will go under the knife for surgery number 5 in this cancer journey. He will remove my current implants, and replace them with wider, larger tissue expanders. He will also create a bigger cavity and bring the expanders closer together so I can have my cleavage again. Look out Pamela Anderson, I am going to give you a run for your money.
So how I am feeling about all this? Let's just say, I am cautiously optimistic. The thing about cancer is that it sucks the hope out of you every chance it gets. Cancer is not just a malformation of cells, it kind of malforms your hope and spirit sometimes too. I want to be excited, but I feel like I just can't let myself get my hopes up again at this stage of the game. It doesn't mean God is any less a God, or that he can't do this thing to make me feel whole again, but I often wonder if maybe he just doesn't want to. So for now I sort through what it means to be "in process" from a physical and spiritual stand point. I imagine this is what a lot of people must confront when facing down serious physical changes, and I must continue to glean from this process what the Lord wants me to write on my heart through all this.
I wonder if this is why he chose diseases like leprosy in the Bible to teach us so much about his healing power. It is such an outward disease that ravages the body, but once his healing comes down, we can see such power in the transformation.
As for my conference this past weekend. It was for Young Survival Coalition (YSC) it is a breast cancer organization dedicated to women with BC under 40. It has been my free therapy for the last 10 months (wow, has it been 10 months already?) and I have corresponded with a core group of women online that have going through this same journey at the same time I have. I got to meet about 25 of these women for the first time in person on this weekend and it was like a family reunion. One woman in particular, Teresa, has become like a sister to me as she was diagnosed at the same time I was, did a double mastectomy like me, went through chemo with me, and is going through the reconstruction process too. Our personalities have clicked on line and I had wondered if that would translate to real life. We met up at the conference and within minutes you would have thought we were long lost sisters reuniting. This time strengthened our friendship and cemented the fact that I will have a friend for life that has been through this journey alongside me. Also at this conference, were doctors and scientists sharing about where we are in the fight against BC, what is on the horizon, and what we still need to figure out. This was awesome to hear what they are learning, but disappointing to hear that very little of it applies to my type of cancer. Its just the nature of the beast that I developed. Being "triple negative" (hormone negative and HER2 protein negative) means that I cannot make use of future therapies that address hormone levels or HER2 levels, because it has nothing to do with my type of breast cancer.
For the record, some of you may have heard about a Norwalk virus outbreak at a Breast Cancer conference in DC last weekend, unfortunately, that was our conference. I was not personally affected at all but about 100 of my fellow conference attendees were. Since there were some women there still in treatment, this is a scary thought.
So that is the latest stop on the cancer train, I will update you all after my surgery this weekend. Please pray for this new surgery, my recovery, my doctor, and the balance of how often to go to NoVA, when to pull Bethany out of school for all this and the concept of getting back to normal again.
Kat
I could write a whole blog on what I learned not to do through the reconstruction process, and I will in the future, but for now I will share with you my personal process that I have arrived at in the last few months.
After December's surgery I decided to research the literature and cancer sites to find out who was the best of the best in terms of breast reconstruction. There are some who specialize in different types of reconstruction, so I was looking for the Dr. who was the best at breast reconstruction from implants. All of my research and looking at who authored some major studies on the subject, kept leading me back to one man, Dr. Scott Spear in Georgetown, DC at Georgetown Hospital. I called for an appointment and had one scheduled for the weekend I was going to be in town anyway for a breast cancer conference with Young Survival Coalition. Last weekend, we had this conference (an amazing weekend for me) -- more on that later. Monday morning Jeff and I braved the 6 inches of snow they got in the DC area the day before and met with Dr. Spear.
You can tell when you have entered the office of someone in high demand because we had to go through several "layers" of staff and interviews before he would see us. I was told to sit in a very specific chair (Jeff and I had to switch places) and they had very specific methods for doing things. I had been warned that Dr. Spear was all about business and not a small talk kind of guy. I was totally OK with this. He doesn't have to be my friend as long as he is great with a scalpel. I imagine if I was earlier in this process or had just been diagnosed, this might be more of an issue, but it wasn't for me.
My prayer for the last few weeks has been that I would walk in there and he would say, "We can absolutely get you the breasts you want" with no hesitation. Several people have asked me what exactly is wrong with my breasts now, is it just that they are too small? The answer to this question is No, its more than that. (Warning: Boobie details coming)....I was told I would never be able to have breasts as large as I had before cancer (a full C cup) because the implant was behind the muscle you could only go so large. I have since learned this in not the case, it just requires different techniques in getting the implant in there. So I would like to be as close (or maybe a little bigger, wink, wink) to that previous size I was before. Dr. Spear said, No problem. Second, my breasts are VERY far apart right now, at least 6 inches apart. The edge of my implant is actually under my armpit. I was told that I could not get them any closer without damaging the pectoral muscle or keeping them behind the muscle. I have also since learned that this is not the case. I want cleavage again. Dr. Spear said, No problem. Third, I have some "hills and valleys" on the overall breast shape (one huge valley on the left side) that need to be rounded out to look more breast shaped, Dr. Spear said No, problem. In fact, he said in the final surgery he sometimes uses body fat from other parts of the body to fill in any of these type of imperfections. (So you mean I might get a small liposuction out of the deal? SIGN ME UP!) Lastly, I had two more large scars on my chest from my second surgery. I had understood that I was going to have additional scars, but I I thought they would be small inch long incisions, instead they are 3 inch incisions and quite large. I have since learned that going through the original incision is the common practice for final implant placement and has been proven to have little or no affect on infection or incision healing. Unfortunately, there is nothing Dr. Spear can do to get rid of these additional scars, but he can do all my procedures from here forward through my original mastectomy scars and perhaps clean them up a little along the way. Three out of four requests is not bad. I realize there are some people reading this blog who may want to know what my breasts look like now for the sake of your own reconstruction journey or perhaps to share with someone you know going through this journey. If that is the case, you may email me and I will be happy to show you pictures of my current chest. I will admit it is something I am embarrassed by, but I think is important to share with others on this journey, because I wish I had seen the good with the bad when I started on my own journey.
How will he do this? I guess cancer is a lot of "one step forward, two steps back" at times. He gave me the option of having one more surgery where he puts in a larger implant, but admitted I would not likely have the cosmetic results I would desire. He is 5 hours away from me, so logistically this presents additional issues in terms of future surgeries and follow-up appointments, but I know now that it is worth taking some additional time to get things right. I have learned one thing very clearly through cancer. It is much easier to live a life of patient decisions then of distant regrets. With that being said, we decided to go back to tissue expanders. Goodbye, nice soft implants, here comes large rocks on my chest again. Then after several more large (and likely quite painful) expansions I will have enough stretch of my muscle and skin to get the best situation for Dr. Spear to work with.
So where does that leave me? I decided Dr. Spear was "Dr. Right" and his DETAILED measurements of my chest and outlining my plan from this point forward showed me that he really knows his stuff and was creating the best plan for me. He normally has a 2-3 month waiting list for non-emergency surgeries of this type, so I went out to meet with receptionist and get on "the list". THIS IS HOW I KNOW OUR GOD IS A PERSONAL GOD WHO CARES ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS....His receptionist told me he had a cancellation for THIS Friday, March 9th, would I like the slot? I jumped at the opportunity, and signed up. So, this Friday, we will travel back up to NoVA and I will go under the knife for surgery number 5 in this cancer journey. He will remove my current implants, and replace them with wider, larger tissue expanders. He will also create a bigger cavity and bring the expanders closer together so I can have my cleavage again. Look out Pamela Anderson, I am going to give you a run for your money.
So how I am feeling about all this? Let's just say, I am cautiously optimistic. The thing about cancer is that it sucks the hope out of you every chance it gets. Cancer is not just a malformation of cells, it kind of malforms your hope and spirit sometimes too. I want to be excited, but I feel like I just can't let myself get my hopes up again at this stage of the game. It doesn't mean God is any less a God, or that he can't do this thing to make me feel whole again, but I often wonder if maybe he just doesn't want to. So for now I sort through what it means to be "in process" from a physical and spiritual stand point. I imagine this is what a lot of people must confront when facing down serious physical changes, and I must continue to glean from this process what the Lord wants me to write on my heart through all this.
I wonder if this is why he chose diseases like leprosy in the Bible to teach us so much about his healing power. It is such an outward disease that ravages the body, but once his healing comes down, we can see such power in the transformation.
As for my conference this past weekend. It was for Young Survival Coalition (YSC) it is a breast cancer organization dedicated to women with BC under 40. It has been my free therapy for the last 10 months (wow, has it been 10 months already?) and I have corresponded with a core group of women online that have going through this same journey at the same time I have. I got to meet about 25 of these women for the first time in person on this weekend and it was like a family reunion. One woman in particular, Teresa, has become like a sister to me as she was diagnosed at the same time I was, did a double mastectomy like me, went through chemo with me, and is going through the reconstruction process too. Our personalities have clicked on line and I had wondered if that would translate to real life. We met up at the conference and within minutes you would have thought we were long lost sisters reuniting. This time strengthened our friendship and cemented the fact that I will have a friend for life that has been through this journey alongside me. Also at this conference, were doctors and scientists sharing about where we are in the fight against BC, what is on the horizon, and what we still need to figure out. This was awesome to hear what they are learning, but disappointing to hear that very little of it applies to my type of cancer. Its just the nature of the beast that I developed. Being "triple negative" (hormone negative and HER2 protein negative) means that I cannot make use of future therapies that address hormone levels or HER2 levels, because it has nothing to do with my type of breast cancer.
For the record, some of you may have heard about a Norwalk virus outbreak at a Breast Cancer conference in DC last weekend, unfortunately, that was our conference. I was not personally affected at all but about 100 of my fellow conference attendees were. Since there were some women there still in treatment, this is a scary thought.
So that is the latest stop on the cancer train, I will update you all after my surgery this weekend. Please pray for this new surgery, my recovery, my doctor, and the balance of how often to go to NoVA, when to pull Bethany out of school for all this and the concept of getting back to normal again.
Kat
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Goodbye Wig, you were a good ship for the journey...
Well, its time. No more bandanas, no more hat disguises (saving the hats strictly for the cold weather now) and no more wig. I made the decision last weekend. My hair is grown out to the point that it is a short "pixie" cut and my days of being in denial about having short hair for the next few months, are now over. I ran out of "wig hairspray" last week and I took it as a sign from God that it was time to ditch the wig and bandanas and just embrace the new me. This was a MAJOR emotional hurtle for me. I feel like I am in the midst of that dream where you show up to work or school naked. I have never noticed people staring at me as much as I do now. My first reaction is usually belligerent, like I should turn around and scream, "take a picture, it lasts longer." I know all that crap about how you are not supposed to care what other people think, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I do. I wonder if they think I am some crazy progressive chick who chose to embrace her Demi Moore, GI Jane side and do this to my hair on purpose. I wonder if they question my gender or my sexuality. Yes, I know all the junk about how this shouldn't matter, my physical self is not where my identity lies, blah, blah, blah. The truth is, not only is there some identity for all of us based on our physical selves, but for me I have been forced to define myself for the last 6 months almost solely on what my body has chosen to dish out (or not dish out) on a daily basis. Its largely been out of my control and it has been DRAMATIC changes.
I struggle a great deal with my femininity. I have never been a "girly girl." I would classify myself as somewhat of a tom-boy, but now that I have had my boobs and long locks taken from me, I feel the need to scream from the rooftops, "I AM STILL A WOMAN, I LOVE BEING A WOMAN, I EMBRACE BEING A WOMAN, I WANT OTHERS TO KNOW I AM A WOMAN!!!" I find myself upping my makeup usage and putting more jewelry on just to feel feminine again. Sure there are plenty of women out there who are flat chested and have short hair and pull both of those things off quite eloquently, but its the suddenness of all this and the lack of control that throws off my balance so much. I have not had short hair since my early elementary years and I find it quite high maintenance. I had to ask a dear friend of mine, "How does one deal with 'bed-head'?" I am now putting all these waxes and gels in my hair that I never experienced before. I am anxious to color it and make it my own again.
On a side note, my hair grows quite quick. All those years of belly aching about plucking and shaving, mono-brow avoiding and thick hair has served me well. Of all my dear breast cancer buddies following through this journey alongside me, none of them have hair growth even close to mine. I am likely double what they have. I will never again complain about my hair, never. If you ever hear that from me, punch me, I deserve it. My eyebrows have completely returned and I didn't realize how the thinness of my eyebrows had made me look so gaunt until I look back on my pictures from the last few months.
I am amazed by how much time I have now. I had not really grasped how much time dealing with cancer really takes. I had mentioned in my last blog that I was quitting Starbucks, largely because I felt like it was so time consuming. However, now through a significant raise, reduced hours and a new sense of the value of my time I have decided to stick around, realizing it is not quite the burden I had felt it was before. As a side note, my brother Matt got hired as a shift manager at my same store and is now technically my boss. (I know, for those of you who know us, that is a chuckle.) Not that he is not able, but as his "big sister" I take to bossing him around sometimes. I have really enjoyed having him around and I am proud that he is becoming a coffee lover. Still can't get my dad off that nasty instant stuff though, go figure.
I have some projects in the works. I have returned to graphic design work (if I hadn't mentioned that before, I do graphic design work for some of Jeff's web clients. Our personal side business for this stuff is called "Willow Pond Designs", named after the pond with a willow in the middle in our backyard.
Speaking of backyard, OUR HOUSE IS AMAZING! I won't lie, it is everything we wanted it to be and more. It was definitely a labor of love, but it already feels like home. We have been trying to open its doors to use as much as possible with small groups, super bowl parties and gatherings. We hope many people will find their way through our doors for decades to come. We prayed that it would be a blessing to all who enter, because we know all too well that it is a gift and every gift on this earth is temporary. Maybe on my next post I will try and post some pictures. I am trying to stop feeling bad for how beautiful it is, and embrace that the Lord has allowed us to have this responsibility of this house so that we can use it for his work and his glory. We have tried to communicate to everyone we can that this house is open for ministry, storage for the church, group gatherings, parent guest room, whatever blesses them and advances their work for the Lord. To all of you we extend and open invitation to come spend some time down here in our little peace of country, watch Bob the resident Blue Heron come for his daily visit in our pond, the family of 6 deer who love the grass over our drain field and the beautiful mountains that surround us on all sides. If you need some time away from your chaos, give us a call.
As for an update on my surgeries, doctors, etc. I have two appointments with 2 of the top plastic surgeons on the East Coast at Georgetown Hospital and Johns Hopkins, at the end of February. Both specialize in breast reconstruction and revisions of breast reconstructions that people are unhappy with. Please pray that I would be guided to the next step in my reconstruction journey, to help me regain some of my womanhood again. My hometown plastic surgeon has been quite gracious in making it clear that he would work alongside either of these surgeons to do my follow-up care with future surgeries. I appreciated this gesture immensely, and it made me feel like he had my best interests at heart.
Lastly, I just celebrated my 32nd birthday on January 28th. It was a very emotional weekend for me that I kept pretty close to my vest. I woke up that morning just thankful for the chance to have another year of life. I fought tears most of that weekend, but didn't really share that much with my family who came together to make my favorite spaghetti meal and share my favorite ice cream cake (Ben & Jerry's coconut almond fudge chip) I am pretty sure if they have food in heaven, those two things will be on the menu. So much of me wanted to be spoiled and pampered and have everyone scream, "I AM SO GLAD GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TO US FOR ANOTHER YEAR!!!!", but I didn't know quite how to verbalize that feeling mixed with wonder of what the future holds. I love birthdays, I always have, and I know I will even more now that each one represents such a tangible gift to me of how much of a gift life is.
Blessings to you dear friends,
Kat
I struggle a great deal with my femininity. I have never been a "girly girl." I would classify myself as somewhat of a tom-boy, but now that I have had my boobs and long locks taken from me, I feel the need to scream from the rooftops, "I AM STILL A WOMAN, I LOVE BEING A WOMAN, I EMBRACE BEING A WOMAN, I WANT OTHERS TO KNOW I AM A WOMAN!!!" I find myself upping my makeup usage and putting more jewelry on just to feel feminine again. Sure there are plenty of women out there who are flat chested and have short hair and pull both of those things off quite eloquently, but its the suddenness of all this and the lack of control that throws off my balance so much. I have not had short hair since my early elementary years and I find it quite high maintenance. I had to ask a dear friend of mine, "How does one deal with 'bed-head'?" I am now putting all these waxes and gels in my hair that I never experienced before. I am anxious to color it and make it my own again.
On a side note, my hair grows quite quick. All those years of belly aching about plucking and shaving, mono-brow avoiding and thick hair has served me well. Of all my dear breast cancer buddies following through this journey alongside me, none of them have hair growth even close to mine. I am likely double what they have. I will never again complain about my hair, never. If you ever hear that from me, punch me, I deserve it. My eyebrows have completely returned and I didn't realize how the thinness of my eyebrows had made me look so gaunt until I look back on my pictures from the last few months.
I am amazed by how much time I have now. I had not really grasped how much time dealing with cancer really takes. I had mentioned in my last blog that I was quitting Starbucks, largely because I felt like it was so time consuming. However, now through a significant raise, reduced hours and a new sense of the value of my time I have decided to stick around, realizing it is not quite the burden I had felt it was before. As a side note, my brother Matt got hired as a shift manager at my same store and is now technically my boss. (I know, for those of you who know us, that is a chuckle.) Not that he is not able, but as his "big sister" I take to bossing him around sometimes. I have really enjoyed having him around and I am proud that he is becoming a coffee lover. Still can't get my dad off that nasty instant stuff though, go figure.
I have some projects in the works. I have returned to graphic design work (if I hadn't mentioned that before, I do graphic design work for some of Jeff's web clients. Our personal side business for this stuff is called "Willow Pond Designs", named after the pond with a willow in the middle in our backyard.
Speaking of backyard, OUR HOUSE IS AMAZING! I won't lie, it is everything we wanted it to be and more. It was definitely a labor of love, but it already feels like home. We have been trying to open its doors to use as much as possible with small groups, super bowl parties and gatherings. We hope many people will find their way through our doors for decades to come. We prayed that it would be a blessing to all who enter, because we know all too well that it is a gift and every gift on this earth is temporary. Maybe on my next post I will try and post some pictures. I am trying to stop feeling bad for how beautiful it is, and embrace that the Lord has allowed us to have this responsibility of this house so that we can use it for his work and his glory. We have tried to communicate to everyone we can that this house is open for ministry, storage for the church, group gatherings, parent guest room, whatever blesses them and advances their work for the Lord. To all of you we extend and open invitation to come spend some time down here in our little peace of country, watch Bob the resident Blue Heron come for his daily visit in our pond, the family of 6 deer who love the grass over our drain field and the beautiful mountains that surround us on all sides. If you need some time away from your chaos, give us a call.
As for an update on my surgeries, doctors, etc. I have two appointments with 2 of the top plastic surgeons on the East Coast at Georgetown Hospital and Johns Hopkins, at the end of February. Both specialize in breast reconstruction and revisions of breast reconstructions that people are unhappy with. Please pray that I would be guided to the next step in my reconstruction journey, to help me regain some of my womanhood again. My hometown plastic surgeon has been quite gracious in making it clear that he would work alongside either of these surgeons to do my follow-up care with future surgeries. I appreciated this gesture immensely, and it made me feel like he had my best interests at heart.
Lastly, I just celebrated my 32nd birthday on January 28th. It was a very emotional weekend for me that I kept pretty close to my vest. I woke up that morning just thankful for the chance to have another year of life. I fought tears most of that weekend, but didn't really share that much with my family who came together to make my favorite spaghetti meal and share my favorite ice cream cake (Ben & Jerry's coconut almond fudge chip) I am pretty sure if they have food in heaven, those two things will be on the menu. So much of me wanted to be spoiled and pampered and have everyone scream, "I AM SO GLAD GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TO US FOR ANOTHER YEAR!!!!", but I didn't know quite how to verbalize that feeling mixed with wonder of what the future holds. I love birthdays, I always have, and I know I will even more now that each one represents such a tangible gift to me of how much of a gift life is.
Blessings to you dear friends,
Kat
updated family pics february 2007
My bowling star, even though the ball is almost bigger than she is.
Me and Mom on my birthday when she made my favorite homemade spaghetti.
My Liam cutie-pie.
My recent hair style (not that I have much choice on the style part.)
Me and Mom on my birthday when she made my favorite homemade spaghetti.
My Liam cutie-pie.
My recent hair style (not that I have much choice on the style part.)
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