I haven't posted since my haircut, primarily because I needed to get out of "me" for a while. I realized it is so much nicer to think about Bethany's first day of school, the students returning to campus, the details of our new house, returning to work at Starbucks and getting back to meeting with students on campus, then it is thinking about cancer.
Someone asked me yesterday, why I don't seem more mad at God, why I am not pissed at him, or asking why me? I realized in that moment it is because it takes so much more effort to let anger fester and bitterness take over. It is so much more freeing to focus on joy, fun and the good things of life. The fact of the matter is, its not God's fault I have cancer. Yes, he allowed it (I know this is a huge theological discussion for another day) Cancer is about biology. In the same way I don't "praise him" when a papercut heals, (maybe I should) I can't turn and blame him for cancer. I don't know if we will ever really know what causes cancer, but it could be my choices, my genetics or my enviornment. Any way, blaming him does me no good.
I woke up Sunday morning feeling sorry for myself. The last of my hair is now completely falling out, it is itchy and makes my scalp hurt a little. I try and rub off what I can in the shower and I have shaved some areas, but I have found that by shaving it shorter and makes my scalp more tender, so for now, I will let it fall out at will. I woke up Sunday realizing that this was going to be the first big day of facing people I know and trust, with my new wig, many of whom knew I knew that they knew that I was wearing a wig (did you catch that?). I have never been so self conscious in my life as I am when I leave the house wearing a wig. I am not exactly sure why. Maybe its because I don't want to be felt sorry for, maybe its because I feel like I am trying to keep up some kind of rouse on the world. Maybe its because I don't want to answer questions about cancer, especially to people who haven't seen me in months and may ask, "hey you have a new haircut, what's that about?" (I saw 3 such people at a single trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and purposely avoided all 3 becaue I just didn't want to answer that question.)
I have opted for the wig route whenever I leave the house for 2 big reasons. First, I just don't want to stand out to people who don't know me. I see it already in the looks from people who know me (the eyes rat you guys out everytime) its the "poor kat" look and I have learned to hate it. Second, the kids are still a little unsettled about my bald head (especially Bethany) and they get excited when I wear my wig. The last thing I want is Bethany seeing some kid she knows from school, while I have a bald head, and she gets teased about it. She is still in that blissful age of life where she doesn't realize people can be so mean, and she doesn't realize there is something wrong with mommy being "different" right now. (Don't we wish this could last forever?)
Anyway, after feeling sorry for myself Sunday morning, we went to church. Church was packed. Its the first major Sunday after the students return for school at Tech and it was standing room only. It was so exciting to see that many students packing into a place to go to church (I think it was at least 650). I was quickly jolted out of myself when I realized that the big news was all these kids coming to learn about Christ (without mom and dad's prodding) and not my stupid issue of my new wig. I felt the adrenaline pumping as they continued to pour in and I found it a huge blessing to witness such a gathering. I have known for several years now that God has given me a special place in my heart for college students. There is such a yearning for independence and for many, the first time their faith and decisions are completely their own. I love watching and experiencing this coming of age, and it is the reason I love the students I meet with on campus for Bible Study and "mentoring" time. A couple of people I know commented on my hair, but it just wasn't that big of a deal, and frankly it shouldn't have been.
Our pastor is a gifted teacher who has a unique ability to speak the truth with humor and frankness, that I find so refreshing. He is speaking now on Joseph, I think primarily geared towards the new changes and obstacles facing college students, but every word has spoken to me directly in the changes I have been facing about cancer. His messages are available to listen to online, if you would like to hear some good teaching you can listen to them at: http://nlcf.net/talks/the-life-of-joseph-series
I also had a meeting and a phone conversation with two great women. One is a student I will continue to meet with this year and one is a woman who is coming on staff with a campus ministry I love called InterVarsity. Both are people I hope to focus on praying for and encouraging as they work on campus and focus on God's callings in their lives. Both conversations were amazingly uplifting and really helped me realize that it is so much more fun and energizing to focus on other people's needs and prayers then to sit around and think about cancer all the time.
I had my second round of chemo on tuesday and I am thankful that there was less nausea. However, I did experience some more achy feeling this time from the Neulasta shot (a white blood cell recovery med, that I need every round the day after chemo). It feels very much like you are "getting" the flu for a few days, but then subsides. I will take ache over puke anyday. I am hoping by the next few rounds I will get the magic combination of drugs and food down to make the first couple of days after chemo as smooth as possible. For now, it seems that I have chemo on Tuesday, I am laid up the rest of that day, all day Wednesday, somewhat functional mid-day Thursday and Friday (the mornings and evenings can be rough) and then back to relative normal by Saturday until the next round.
I started back to work at Starbucks on Saturday for the first time since my diagnosis (June 9th) and it felt so good. I worked 4 hours and it was relatively slow, but I was glad to get back to the business of real life again. I wore my wig with a bandana over it on top (not uncommon for people to wear bandanas there to keep their hair back). One girl I work with knows my story so she didn't ask about it. The other two employees were new and I didn't offer any info. I do not want to be known as the "cancer girl". As far as my regular customers that asked about me. Most of them I just said, "I took some time off this summer." Only one, whom I have gotten to know quite well over the last year, did I tell the whole story. Turns out she has battled colon cancer in the last 4 years, and we developed an immediate kinship. I agreed to pray for her and her inlaws battle with illness and she agreed to pray for me and inlaws battle with illness.
I hope to increase my hours over the next several months, especially if we need to pick up benefits from Starbucks. The wonderful thing about working for them, is that if I can work 20 hours average a week, they will give me full benefits. Since we just received our first bill for our new insurance premium, ($987.00) this will become necessary sooner rather than later if Jeff's job situation continues to be piecing together short term contract work. Yes, I know that's a lot of money to pay a month, put if it puts it into any kind of perspective as far as what a blessing that is, let me say this....Each chemo costs $5,000. Each Neulasta shot, for each chemo, costs $3,000. Each Emend pill I take for nausea cost $100. I take 3 per round. Since I am having chemo twice a month that means without meds, additional drs. visits, scans or tests, my next 3 months will cost at least $16,000 a month! So for now, we will be thankful to pay $987.00 a month.
Lastly, but certainly not least. Bethany started school on Wednesday with flying colors. We waiting for a half an hour for the bus and then it came, she got on, and left again in a flash! She was so confident and excited, I was so proud of her independence. I really didn't have the physical wear with all to get emotional (keep in mind this was the morning after chemo, not a good time for me physically) but with ice chips in hand we waited out there and I did fine. I came back inside and went straight back to bed. She has done great her first 3 days, learning rules, buying lunch in the cafeteria like a big girl and making friends (I am sure she is probably the classroom social director by now, yah, I know, apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) She goes for a full day, and they even include naptime (though she insists there is never actually any sleeping, but I am sure the teachers need the break.) I think it is so good for her to be at school right now, she hardly even noticed my last round of chemo, and that's the way it should be. Liam has been awesome at home with his additional one on one time with Mommy and Daddy and even his Occupational Therapist who comes to work on his Sensory Disorder issues has notices a change in him. I have enjoyed my one on one time with him that he has never really got to experience before since there was already another kid in place when he was born.
I have no new news on Jeff's dad. He is back home in Florida trying to return to his real life again. He has not met with an oncologist yet, I think it is all because of logistical reasons of insurance and scheduling, but he will have his first meeting with one this week. I have had a couple of conversations with my oncologist with what Walt may be facing ahead. He talked at length about hormonal therapy for prostate cancer and said he had some patients who had been diagnosed with "Advance Prostate Cancer" that he had now been treating for 10-12 years. Our prayer for Walt is that his cancer is the type that is hormonally driven, because this will mean that hormone supression could treat his cancer for quite a long time. I will keep you updated.
As for Jeff's job search. He has a string of short term contracts that will get us through mid-October. By October, when several companies fiscal year's start he will likely be able to add more contract work that will get us through to at least December. He also has a job interview tomorrow for a job based in Roanoke area (about 30 min away), but they have indicated their might be a great deal of travel involved, so we are not sure if this is a good thing or not. With the contract work we can get the money for our family, but no benefits (that would have to be where Starbucks comes in), but it would also allow Jeff to continue to work at home, which would allow me to work at Starbucks and also allow him to continue to hold up the family (and me) after each of my chemo rounds. A full time job somewhere else will likely provide us with a higher salary and benefits, but he would have to commute everyday, and for the short term and long term that would be a bummer, because I like having my hubby around, he is my best friend. So I am not sure how to pray on this, I guess just chalk it up to praying God's perfect will.
Thank you a thousand times over for the family stories, updates and emails you all have sent. I read them sometimes 3 or 4 times and I have looked at all the stories, links and websites. Please keep them coming!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
Heres the pics of GI Jane, Kat Style...
We had a hair cutting bonanza tonight. The kids did great. Bethany said, "Mommy this was so much fun, I loved it, this was the funnest night ever!" I sorely underestimated how well she would handle this. Liam just ran around in circles and laughed when he saw my head. I feel like I look like a boy (especially with the flat chest) I may have to up my makeup usage a little. I also feel a little like a lesbian wanna be. The pictures say it all...
Before...
Chemo mullet, during...
Before...
Chemo mullet, during...
Me with my new wig.
All the hair I'm donating.
Baldy Kat.
Hair today, gone tomorrow...
OK, I admit, I couldn't wait to use that title's bad pun.
The time has arrived, like a huge bill after Christmas credit card spending. The time has come. Last night I went to bed around midnight (I have had quite a bit of insomnia in the last week with all the meds in my body). Right before I went to bed I went to the bathroom and noticed the tell tale sign, my hair was falling out. I will spare you the initimate details, but the body hair is the first to go, arms, sometimes leg, pubic ,etc. I ran my fingers through my head hair (which had been tied up most of the day) and sure enough large amounts of hair came with it. I wouldn't describe it as "chunks" of hair as some people have, been it definately has begun.
I cried. I am not sad about the hair itself. God knows I have been fighting it for years. As women we are constantly trying to pluck, wax, relocate, move, pin down, shine up or tame. After years of trying to fight off the mono-brow, now my last wish is that I wouldn't lose my eyebrows. Boy how life comes full circle.
I cried because I feel like I am "outed" now. I will now have to make the choice each time I leave the house whether I will put on a wig, hat or scarf. I am hoping I really like how my wig feels, because especially when I visit Bethany's school, I want to look as normal as possible. I don't want to look like the gaunt cancer patient. If I could sum up the one thing I hate the most in this journey, (ok two things, the gripping fear is definately the worst), but a close second would be the feeling that people are feeling sorry for me. I see it in their eyes when they look at me. I hear it in their words when the speak to me. I feel it in a room when I walk in. Its the elephant of cancer in the room, sometimes spoken about, sometimes not. I just want to be able to go to Wal-Mart like no big deal. I don't want people to see my as "that poor lady, she must have cancer" I don't want to be the teaching case of parents for their kids..."hey mommy why doesn't that lady have hair?" "Well, dear its because she has a yucky sickness callled cancer." The other side of it is the people who know me well, know I am losing (or will have lost) my hair and whatever I have on my head (especially a wig) is really just fake. I know it, they know it, we may not speak of it, but its there.
Here's my plan of attack. I am not going to wait for it all to come out on its own. I really want to donate my hair to "Locks of Love". It is a non-profit organization that makes wigs for children who are going through cancer or allopecia (a permanant hair loss disease). This little ship of hair has sailed me this far and its time to let someone else enjoy it for a while. I have been very particular about conditioning the last few months, knowing that I would want the strongest hair possible to donate.
Tonight, I will put my hair in ponytails and chop it off. I want the kids to be as involved as possible and we have been talking for a few weeks about this exciting chance I have to give my hair to little girls who need it. I want them to be excited about this, my new hats, my new wig and not scared about mommy's new strange head. I will let them help cut my hair and we might even make a "party" out of it. After that I will probably shave it off. I have heard that If I don't it will be come itchy, tender and I will find hair "everywhere" around the house. I will take lots of pictures and post them here as we go through this.
I have a favor to ask you....please don't say the following things to me, even if they are truthful
1. Your head is so nicely shaped
2. you are a beautiful baldy
3. Your wig looks so real
4. you can pull of this look so well
5. this is only temporary
6. {insert celebrity} looked great bald, and you look like her
7. you can pull of hats so well, you are definately a hat person
8. you don't need hair to be beautiful
9. your inner beauty is really shining through
10. you will look back on this time and feel stronger for it.
I know these things, I've heard these things. It doesn't make me feel any better. If it makes you feel better, I feel like I have more self-esteem right now then any other time in my life. I even did a self-esteem excerise with one of the girls I meet with back in May, before all this, and I feel better about my body, my life, my place in this world then ever before. But, I don't like feeling patronized or felt sorry for, so I guess that's why I can't handle the above statements.
On another note, Walt is home now, it much less pain and awaiting visits to the first round of drs. to begin his treament.
Love you all
Kat
The time has arrived, like a huge bill after Christmas credit card spending. The time has come. Last night I went to bed around midnight (I have had quite a bit of insomnia in the last week with all the meds in my body). Right before I went to bed I went to the bathroom and noticed the tell tale sign, my hair was falling out. I will spare you the initimate details, but the body hair is the first to go, arms, sometimes leg, pubic ,etc. I ran my fingers through my head hair (which had been tied up most of the day) and sure enough large amounts of hair came with it. I wouldn't describe it as "chunks" of hair as some people have, been it definately has begun.
I cried. I am not sad about the hair itself. God knows I have been fighting it for years. As women we are constantly trying to pluck, wax, relocate, move, pin down, shine up or tame. After years of trying to fight off the mono-brow, now my last wish is that I wouldn't lose my eyebrows. Boy how life comes full circle.
I cried because I feel like I am "outed" now. I will now have to make the choice each time I leave the house whether I will put on a wig, hat or scarf. I am hoping I really like how my wig feels, because especially when I visit Bethany's school, I want to look as normal as possible. I don't want to look like the gaunt cancer patient. If I could sum up the one thing I hate the most in this journey, (ok two things, the gripping fear is definately the worst), but a close second would be the feeling that people are feeling sorry for me. I see it in their eyes when they look at me. I hear it in their words when the speak to me. I feel it in a room when I walk in. Its the elephant of cancer in the room, sometimes spoken about, sometimes not. I just want to be able to go to Wal-Mart like no big deal. I don't want people to see my as "that poor lady, she must have cancer" I don't want to be the teaching case of parents for their kids..."hey mommy why doesn't that lady have hair?" "Well, dear its because she has a yucky sickness callled cancer." The other side of it is the people who know me well, know I am losing (or will have lost) my hair and whatever I have on my head (especially a wig) is really just fake. I know it, they know it, we may not speak of it, but its there.
Here's my plan of attack. I am not going to wait for it all to come out on its own. I really want to donate my hair to "Locks of Love". It is a non-profit organization that makes wigs for children who are going through cancer or allopecia (a permanant hair loss disease). This little ship of hair has sailed me this far and its time to let someone else enjoy it for a while. I have been very particular about conditioning the last few months, knowing that I would want the strongest hair possible to donate.
Tonight, I will put my hair in ponytails and chop it off. I want the kids to be as involved as possible and we have been talking for a few weeks about this exciting chance I have to give my hair to little girls who need it. I want them to be excited about this, my new hats, my new wig and not scared about mommy's new strange head. I will let them help cut my hair and we might even make a "party" out of it. After that I will probably shave it off. I have heard that If I don't it will be come itchy, tender and I will find hair "everywhere" around the house. I will take lots of pictures and post them here as we go through this.
I have a favor to ask you....please don't say the following things to me, even if they are truthful
1. Your head is so nicely shaped
2. you are a beautiful baldy
3. Your wig looks so real
4. you can pull of this look so well
5. this is only temporary
6. {insert celebrity} looked great bald, and you look like her
7. you can pull of hats so well, you are definately a hat person
8. you don't need hair to be beautiful
9. your inner beauty is really shining through
10. you will look back on this time and feel stronger for it.
I know these things, I've heard these things. It doesn't make me feel any better. If it makes you feel better, I feel like I have more self-esteem right now then any other time in my life. I even did a self-esteem excerise with one of the girls I meet with back in May, before all this, and I feel better about my body, my life, my place in this world then ever before. But, I don't like feeling patronized or felt sorry for, so I guess that's why I can't handle the above statements.
On another note, Walt is home now, it much less pain and awaiting visits to the first round of drs. to begin his treament.
Love you all
Kat
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Funniest thing in a long time....
This link to an article in "the Onion" (a spoof magazine) is hands down the funniest thing I have read since my diagnosis. Please take a moment to read it, I had tears of laughter running down my face by the end.
Kat
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51596
Kat
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51596
Friday, August 18, 2006
I've been antibioticked.
Its the new verb I created for when you call the dr. and he puts you on an antibiotic. This has happened to me 4 times already this summer, so it officially a verb now. Somebody contact Webster's.
I am still battling with my headcold and since (sorry this is graphic) my mucus is yellow and not clear it is time for antibiotics. I am ok with this as I want to be healthy enough by tuesday to have my next chemo on time. I don't want this part to take anymore, even a day, longer than it has to.
My spirits are dramatically different. I have a new treatment regiment, I call it laughter-chemo. Its when your friends and loved ones send you the coolest emails, family updates, Julie Andrews "favorite things", funny links and cool cards that make you forget about cancer a few minutes at a time. My aunt Mary sent me the greatest box of hats today to add to my growing collection, and besides the bummer of losing my hair, I can't wait to start wearing them. She even included some Harley Davidson "doo-rags" that I love. Blacksburg is cold and I will get a chance to wear all my hats, even with a wig, I will likely need both once fall rolls in.
I've also decided to get out of myself as much as I can. I have contacted a girl I met with on campus last year to start meeting again for Bible study time and I would like to start meeting with another girl the Lord's put on my heart. I would enjoy dealing with other problems people have like boyfriends and bad grades, over my junk.
I have spent a lot of time on line following your links of humor and trivia, keep them coming! I also live on a website called Young Survival. org which has become my free psychologist in all this. It is a website dedicated entirely to woman with breast cancer under 40. It has a message board with all kinds of issues from how to talk to your young kids, to stupid things people have said to us since we had cancer. Jeff has started calling it my "group therapy" time, and he is so right. There are plenty of local cancer support groups for breast cancer, but as the leader of it told me, "we haven't had someone under 50 in this group in quite a long time ." I will end with just one story a woman told on this site that had me laughing so hard I almost cried.
Another woman had shared that the 50th person had come up to her and told her about their relative that had breast cancer (I will tell you so you know, we breast cancer survivors love it when other survivors come up to us, but are not too thrilled when people share stories of other people they know with Breast cancer because it is second hand information from someone who doesn't quite get what its like to be in the midst of this. ) Believe it or not, and this has happened to me, people will relay their detailed stories about someone who had breast cancer and died and long horrible death from it. [great, thanks for the encouragement] Anyway, this woman was in line at Wal-mart and the cashier told her a long detailed story of how her mom had died from BC and noticing that my friend was bald she said, "what kind of cancer do you have, is it a bad one?" To which my friend replied, "I have cancer of the ass, but I have had reconstruction, would you like to touch it to see how real the implants feel?" I am sorry, but this is so funny to me. My friend said the cashier couldn't tell if she was serious so she declined the offer and stopped talking.
Keep the good stuff coming, I love the family updates.
Kat
I am still battling with my headcold and since (sorry this is graphic) my mucus is yellow and not clear it is time for antibiotics. I am ok with this as I want to be healthy enough by tuesday to have my next chemo on time. I don't want this part to take anymore, even a day, longer than it has to.
My spirits are dramatically different. I have a new treatment regiment, I call it laughter-chemo. Its when your friends and loved ones send you the coolest emails, family updates, Julie Andrews "favorite things", funny links and cool cards that make you forget about cancer a few minutes at a time. My aunt Mary sent me the greatest box of hats today to add to my growing collection, and besides the bummer of losing my hair, I can't wait to start wearing them. She even included some Harley Davidson "doo-rags" that I love. Blacksburg is cold and I will get a chance to wear all my hats, even with a wig, I will likely need both once fall rolls in.
I've also decided to get out of myself as much as I can. I have contacted a girl I met with on campus last year to start meeting again for Bible study time and I would like to start meeting with another girl the Lord's put on my heart. I would enjoy dealing with other problems people have like boyfriends and bad grades, over my junk.
I have spent a lot of time on line following your links of humor and trivia, keep them coming! I also live on a website called Young Survival. org which has become my free psychologist in all this. It is a website dedicated entirely to woman with breast cancer under 40. It has a message board with all kinds of issues from how to talk to your young kids, to stupid things people have said to us since we had cancer. Jeff has started calling it my "group therapy" time, and he is so right. There are plenty of local cancer support groups for breast cancer, but as the leader of it told me, "we haven't had someone under 50 in this group in quite a long time ." I will end with just one story a woman told on this site that had me laughing so hard I almost cried.
Another woman had shared that the 50th person had come up to her and told her about their relative that had breast cancer (I will tell you so you know, we breast cancer survivors love it when other survivors come up to us, but are not too thrilled when people share stories of other people they know with Breast cancer because it is second hand information from someone who doesn't quite get what its like to be in the midst of this. ) Believe it or not, and this has happened to me, people will relay their detailed stories about someone who had breast cancer and died and long horrible death from it. [great, thanks for the encouragement] Anyway, this woman was in line at Wal-mart and the cashier told her a long detailed story of how her mom had died from BC and noticing that my friend was bald she said, "what kind of cancer do you have, is it a bad one?" To which my friend replied, "I have cancer of the ass, but I have had reconstruction, would you like to touch it to see how real the implants feel?" I am sorry, but this is so funny to me. My friend said the cashier couldn't tell if she was serious so she declined the offer and stopped talking.
Keep the good stuff coming, I love the family updates.
Kat
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Better, Worse, or about the same?
For those of you who don't know what that title means, you have never been to the eye doctor. For those of you that are not blessed with eagle eyes like Jeff has, and have near blindness (like I used to have before Laser Eye Surgery last year) you will know exactly what that means....
BETTER
Today is better emotionally for us. We are functioning at normal again. The kids got 3 square meals today, Liam got his diaper changed in a timely manner and I brushed my teeth for the first time before 4pm. I am focusing on keeping busy and functional. I even called Starbucks to tell them I am ready to ease back into work, I will start with one day next Saturday, I can't wait. I took Bethany to buy her school supplies and pick out her first day of school outfit (a cute butterfly embroidered capri pant with a matching peach and white flower and butterfly top, I will post pictures after her first day) I have been working on a ton of building stuff for our new house. I don't think I even mentioned to you all that on Monday our general contractor was fired (feel free to insert laugh here, I did) We are using a builder and they are scrambling to use the rest of the staff to replace him. Frankly, we have almost been our own general contractor on this job, so I forwarded all my info to the builder to have them pick up where the other guy left off. It has been a nice distraction in all that.
{insert whisper here} perhaps God knew that I would need to be this involved and the delays would need to happen for my emotional healing and sense of contribution as well as seeing something being built while I felt torn down.
WORSE
I woke up last night (about 4 am) with the worst headache I've ever had in my life, no exaggeration. It was clear to me that it was a sinus headache and immediately I knew that the perfect storm of my low white blood cell count window and the kids colds that have had in the last week and merged together in my head. I will confess that I am a huge medicator. I love cold medicine and don't completely understand why everyone doesn't use the huge arsenol of cold meds available as soon as symptoms hit. Unfortunately, as long as I'm on chemo I can't take ANYTHING, including the basics like Tylenol without Dr.'s approval. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, some of them don't react well with the chemo drugs, or may cause my blood to thin (this is not good) but the other major reason is because drugs can mask deeper issues. If I take Tylenol for a simple headache it may mask the life threatening fever that lies beneath. If I get a bad cold or even worse flu at this time it could very easily land me in the hospital. So, knowing this I wrestled in my bed and then spent an hour in the bathroom trying all the old school techniques, warm compress, steam, etc. Nothing worked consistently and certainly not in a way that allowed me to get any sleep. Finally, when the pain was bad enough that I thought I would vomit, I woke up Jeff. He plugged in the heating pad for me and I literally slept with it on low on my face for the next hour. When I woke up I stumbled to phone, I must have looked like a hung-over college student, and called the Dr.
I begged him for some drugs. He talked with the "others" (it must be the same people they talk about in 'Lost'--if you don't watch that show, you won't get that comment) and they had me take my temp several times. When they were convinced that I was fever free they allowed me to take 2 tylenol and an allergy med (Claridin) which Jeff had to go out and get me. AFter two hours I felt like a new woman and went about the rest of my day feeling like I had a cold, but relatively normal.
ABOUT THE SAME
We called Walt last night. He is still in Atlanta, layed up from surgery. He is admittedly in pain, and not anxious to move, let alone sit in a car for 6 hours, anytime soon. He was, of course, in his usual good spirits and I chuckled that the majority of the conversation was spent telling Jeff some changes he wanted on his web site. They are scheduled to return home on friday. We will keep you updated on all this.
Thank you for your prayers, hopes, wishes and emails. Keep sending the funny, quirky and interesting, I think that has helped me turn the corner in the last few days....no...I know it has.
Kat
BETTER
Today is better emotionally for us. We are functioning at normal again. The kids got 3 square meals today, Liam got his diaper changed in a timely manner and I brushed my teeth for the first time before 4pm. I am focusing on keeping busy and functional. I even called Starbucks to tell them I am ready to ease back into work, I will start with one day next Saturday, I can't wait. I took Bethany to buy her school supplies and pick out her first day of school outfit (a cute butterfly embroidered capri pant with a matching peach and white flower and butterfly top, I will post pictures after her first day) I have been working on a ton of building stuff for our new house. I don't think I even mentioned to you all that on Monday our general contractor was fired (feel free to insert laugh here, I did) We are using a builder and they are scrambling to use the rest of the staff to replace him. Frankly, we have almost been our own general contractor on this job, so I forwarded all my info to the builder to have them pick up where the other guy left off. It has been a nice distraction in all that.
{insert whisper here} perhaps God knew that I would need to be this involved and the delays would need to happen for my emotional healing and sense of contribution as well as seeing something being built while I felt torn down.
WORSE
I woke up last night (about 4 am) with the worst headache I've ever had in my life, no exaggeration. It was clear to me that it was a sinus headache and immediately I knew that the perfect storm of my low white blood cell count window and the kids colds that have had in the last week and merged together in my head. I will confess that I am a huge medicator. I love cold medicine and don't completely understand why everyone doesn't use the huge arsenol of cold meds available as soon as symptoms hit. Unfortunately, as long as I'm on chemo I can't take ANYTHING, including the basics like Tylenol without Dr.'s approval. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, some of them don't react well with the chemo drugs, or may cause my blood to thin (this is not good) but the other major reason is because drugs can mask deeper issues. If I take Tylenol for a simple headache it may mask the life threatening fever that lies beneath. If I get a bad cold or even worse flu at this time it could very easily land me in the hospital. So, knowing this I wrestled in my bed and then spent an hour in the bathroom trying all the old school techniques, warm compress, steam, etc. Nothing worked consistently and certainly not in a way that allowed me to get any sleep. Finally, when the pain was bad enough that I thought I would vomit, I woke up Jeff. He plugged in the heating pad for me and I literally slept with it on low on my face for the next hour. When I woke up I stumbled to phone, I must have looked like a hung-over college student, and called the Dr.
I begged him for some drugs. He talked with the "others" (it must be the same people they talk about in 'Lost'--if you don't watch that show, you won't get that comment) and they had me take my temp several times. When they were convinced that I was fever free they allowed me to take 2 tylenol and an allergy med (Claridin) which Jeff had to go out and get me. AFter two hours I felt like a new woman and went about the rest of my day feeling like I had a cold, but relatively normal.
ABOUT THE SAME
We called Walt last night. He is still in Atlanta, layed up from surgery. He is admittedly in pain, and not anxious to move, let alone sit in a car for 6 hours, anytime soon. He was, of course, in his usual good spirits and I chuckled that the majority of the conversation was spent telling Jeff some changes he wanted on his web site. They are scheduled to return home on friday. We will keep you updated on all this.
Thank you for your prayers, hopes, wishes and emails. Keep sending the funny, quirky and interesting, I think that has helped me turn the corner in the last few days....no...I know it has.
Kat
Monday, August 14, 2006
Walt's surgery, now what?
I'm going to start with a disclaimer. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am not the bearer of good news lately. Its not that I don't want to be, its just my reality these days. I say this not as a martyr, but as a reality to telling you if you can't handle the junk of this emotional journey we've been through, I don't blame you and I would likely do the same. If you think you can handle more, if you didn't have enough to pray about, if you continue your unconditional support...read on.
Walt was supposed to have his prostate removed this morning. What we knew going into surgery was that the cancer was definately on both sides of the prostate, that he was not eligible for simple radiation procedures and there may be some indication that the cancer was not completely limited to the prostate, but if spreading had occurred we didn't know how much or to where. I am going to explain the results as black and white as possible reserving the emotional or variations for later, here is what they found. The cancer has spread beyond the prostate. The Dr. indicated he could see it at least spread to the lymph nodes visually and we are unsure of where else he may or may not have spread to. He believes it has not spread to the bone (a good thing), but as far as its aggressiveness, or extent of spreading we will not know completely until the pathology report returns. The Dr. opted to leave the prostate in place for what I believe (in my lay person's knowledge) was so Walt could have a quicker recovery from surgery to begin other treatment, to leave a marker by which to measure how affective treatments are working, and because its removal at this point may do more damage than benefit. The next step is for Walt and Sue to rush home (as early as tomorrow--yes, that quickly--for those of you who don't know they are having surgery 6 hours from where they live) and begin immediate hormone treatment. Prostate cancer is not a cancer treated with chemotherapy unless there is some specific symptom that develops that the chemo can help eleviate, but chemo is no cure for this type of cancer. Hormone therapy will deal with finding out whether Walt's cancer is feeding off of and growing from testosterone. As they administer the hormones I imagine they will monitor the cancer, any tumors or growth, to see if the combination of hormones decreases or ceases their spread. I will become a student of prostate cancer as I have breast cancer. I wish in my own selfish way that at the very least they could make all the scales and terminologies similiar so I could apply what I have absorbed about my cancer to an understanding of Walt's, but it is not the case.
OK, what does this all mean, really? Its not what we wanted, by any stretch of the imagination. We are now dealing with his cancer in frank terms as a matter of extending life and improving quality of life. As a cancer survivor now (wow, that's the first time I've applied that statement to myself) the words "extending" and "improving" are not words you want to hear. They feel like a consulation prize to first place and everyone knows the reality behind what they mean. None of us are bulletproof, but looking into the mirror of life's reality is not only not fun, but it is the most terrifying view that exists in this lifetime, I now know that. We HAVE TO believe that Walt will fight this with everything in his and Christ's power. We HAVE TO believe that our days are not numbered down, but added up, that is not a choice of the mind, it is a reality to being able to go on, and function on a daily basis. I or Walt could not get out of bed each day if we knew it was just another cross off the calender to an inevitable reality or fear. That is not a choice that I know Walt will allow, he is too much of a man for that.
I will not justify prognosis, timelines or outcomes, they will not affect Walt's outcome or the number of days in this world and they are only numbers. Countless people have beat the unbeatable, survived the unsurvivable and stood up to the crushing blows of some cancer that everyone else had written off in them. There is no reason to believe that we can't be the lottery winners in this raffle.
For all of us; Jeff, me, Jeff's sisters, Sue (Jeff's mom) and the layers of family that are trying to hold the sails down each time the wake of another wave hit, we are spent. Just when I think I am cried out, my body finds a way to produce more tears. Just when I think we have gotten our mouths above water the enormity and grief come crashing in again.
I called our pastor today and told him, "we are at the point where basic function is becoming difficult." To that, like an angel from God (no eloboration, a true angel from the Lord) he swooped in and picked up our kids to play at his house with his kids for several hours so Jeff and I could just sit for a few hours. I realized at 3:30 I hadn't even fed them lunch yet, and I couldn't remember if they'd gotten breakfast. I am sure they kept snacking as I threw junk food at them and had the TV babysit them, but I can't tell you how long Liam went without a diaper change today. I know God is still listening because I wouldn't even thought to have asked our pastor to do that, but God provided him to step up and just do it.
I have learned a valuable lesson (OK, by this point it is probably lesson number 543,987) but that in this moments I can't pray, when I don't want to take the effort to even flip the pages to the scripture someone has given me, I must rely on what I have learned to this point. I get that now. I get that the random Bible study I had in college, that sermon from a retreat in high school or that verse I memorized as a challenge from a friend may not have been meant for that time, but as armament for this battle at hand. I will take that to the college students I meet with on campus this fall, and to anyone else along the way. We need to be in the Word today so that when we don't have the strength to kneel at the cross tomorrow the words will already be printed on our hearts and in our spirits.
I have thought alot about the story in the Old Testament of Aaron and Hur...
Exodus 17:11-13
"As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one on one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."
Moses had a job to do and literally didn't have the strength to do it any more. He didn't have to, the Lord sent others to literally do the work for him.
That is what we need, that is what we rely on, though it gives me a pit in my stomach every time we have to "receive" something from someone in all this, I am humbly blessed more and more by each gesture.
I will keep you updated as Walt begins his treatment. As for me, I feel quite good physically in all this. I do hear the echoes of all of you out there saying, "you need to focus on getting better yourself, and getting well." I hear that, I receive that, and believe it or not I block about 90% of what I normally would in "worries" to focus on what's important (like the fact that I don't care where things have been placed in our new apartment, whether its the most efficient use of space or even if it makes sense. If it lands there, that's where its staying. For those of you who really know me, that is a big deal for me not to try and find the most efficient way to do everything.) I still haven't hit this mysterious White blood cell dip that everyone keeps eluding to, but since it is suppose to hit sometime in days 7-10 after treatment I am there now (today is day 7). I will confess I am not eating like I should. At last count I was down another 4 pounds, I think 15 pounds total since this all began. Don't worry I am not in danger of wasting away. I am now on steroids as part of chemo so I am sure it will come back to get me.
What we need from you...I need to talk about something other then cancer. I need updates on your lives. Email me your last christmas letter, tell me what your kids are doing, share with us the quirky little stories you read in the paper. I want updates on the best new TV shows, I want a list of good jokes (bring on clean and dirty), I want to become addicted to reality TV. I want you to ask me about which of the new Hokie birds in town I like the best (if you live locally) or what Bethany is going to wear to her first day of school (Aug 23). I need the distraction, I need the realief. If you see me around town, especially after I lose my hair, I need you to ignore the Elephant of cancer in the room and ask me about the color of toenail polish I'm wearing. I need that, I crave that. Send it on.
Please know that just by reading this today, you have answered one of my prayers. That is a wonderful blessing to me.
Kat
Walt was supposed to have his prostate removed this morning. What we knew going into surgery was that the cancer was definately on both sides of the prostate, that he was not eligible for simple radiation procedures and there may be some indication that the cancer was not completely limited to the prostate, but if spreading had occurred we didn't know how much or to where. I am going to explain the results as black and white as possible reserving the emotional or variations for later, here is what they found. The cancer has spread beyond the prostate. The Dr. indicated he could see it at least spread to the lymph nodes visually and we are unsure of where else he may or may not have spread to. He believes it has not spread to the bone (a good thing), but as far as its aggressiveness, or extent of spreading we will not know completely until the pathology report returns. The Dr. opted to leave the prostate in place for what I believe (in my lay person's knowledge) was so Walt could have a quicker recovery from surgery to begin other treatment, to leave a marker by which to measure how affective treatments are working, and because its removal at this point may do more damage than benefit. The next step is for Walt and Sue to rush home (as early as tomorrow--yes, that quickly--for those of you who don't know they are having surgery 6 hours from where they live) and begin immediate hormone treatment. Prostate cancer is not a cancer treated with chemotherapy unless there is some specific symptom that develops that the chemo can help eleviate, but chemo is no cure for this type of cancer. Hormone therapy will deal with finding out whether Walt's cancer is feeding off of and growing from testosterone. As they administer the hormones I imagine they will monitor the cancer, any tumors or growth, to see if the combination of hormones decreases or ceases their spread. I will become a student of prostate cancer as I have breast cancer. I wish in my own selfish way that at the very least they could make all the scales and terminologies similiar so I could apply what I have absorbed about my cancer to an understanding of Walt's, but it is not the case.
OK, what does this all mean, really? Its not what we wanted, by any stretch of the imagination. We are now dealing with his cancer in frank terms as a matter of extending life and improving quality of life. As a cancer survivor now (wow, that's the first time I've applied that statement to myself) the words "extending" and "improving" are not words you want to hear. They feel like a consulation prize to first place and everyone knows the reality behind what they mean. None of us are bulletproof, but looking into the mirror of life's reality is not only not fun, but it is the most terrifying view that exists in this lifetime, I now know that. We HAVE TO believe that Walt will fight this with everything in his and Christ's power. We HAVE TO believe that our days are not numbered down, but added up, that is not a choice of the mind, it is a reality to being able to go on, and function on a daily basis. I or Walt could not get out of bed each day if we knew it was just another cross off the calender to an inevitable reality or fear. That is not a choice that I know Walt will allow, he is too much of a man for that.
I will not justify prognosis, timelines or outcomes, they will not affect Walt's outcome or the number of days in this world and they are only numbers. Countless people have beat the unbeatable, survived the unsurvivable and stood up to the crushing blows of some cancer that everyone else had written off in them. There is no reason to believe that we can't be the lottery winners in this raffle.
For all of us; Jeff, me, Jeff's sisters, Sue (Jeff's mom) and the layers of family that are trying to hold the sails down each time the wake of another wave hit, we are spent. Just when I think I am cried out, my body finds a way to produce more tears. Just when I think we have gotten our mouths above water the enormity and grief come crashing in again.
I called our pastor today and told him, "we are at the point where basic function is becoming difficult." To that, like an angel from God (no eloboration, a true angel from the Lord) he swooped in and picked up our kids to play at his house with his kids for several hours so Jeff and I could just sit for a few hours. I realized at 3:30 I hadn't even fed them lunch yet, and I couldn't remember if they'd gotten breakfast. I am sure they kept snacking as I threw junk food at them and had the TV babysit them, but I can't tell you how long Liam went without a diaper change today. I know God is still listening because I wouldn't even thought to have asked our pastor to do that, but God provided him to step up and just do it.
I have learned a valuable lesson (OK, by this point it is probably lesson number 543,987) but that in this moments I can't pray, when I don't want to take the effort to even flip the pages to the scripture someone has given me, I must rely on what I have learned to this point. I get that now. I get that the random Bible study I had in college, that sermon from a retreat in high school or that verse I memorized as a challenge from a friend may not have been meant for that time, but as armament for this battle at hand. I will take that to the college students I meet with on campus this fall, and to anyone else along the way. We need to be in the Word today so that when we don't have the strength to kneel at the cross tomorrow the words will already be printed on our hearts and in our spirits.
I have thought alot about the story in the Old Testament of Aaron and Hur...
Exodus 17:11-13
"As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one on one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."
Moses had a job to do and literally didn't have the strength to do it any more. He didn't have to, the Lord sent others to literally do the work for him.
That is what we need, that is what we rely on, though it gives me a pit in my stomach every time we have to "receive" something from someone in all this, I am humbly blessed more and more by each gesture.
I will keep you updated as Walt begins his treatment. As for me, I feel quite good physically in all this. I do hear the echoes of all of you out there saying, "you need to focus on getting better yourself, and getting well." I hear that, I receive that, and believe it or not I block about 90% of what I normally would in "worries" to focus on what's important (like the fact that I don't care where things have been placed in our new apartment, whether its the most efficient use of space or even if it makes sense. If it lands there, that's where its staying. For those of you who really know me, that is a big deal for me not to try and find the most efficient way to do everything.) I still haven't hit this mysterious White blood cell dip that everyone keeps eluding to, but since it is suppose to hit sometime in days 7-10 after treatment I am there now (today is day 7). I will confess I am not eating like I should. At last count I was down another 4 pounds, I think 15 pounds total since this all began. Don't worry I am not in danger of wasting away. I am now on steroids as part of chemo so I am sure it will come back to get me.
What we need from you...I need to talk about something other then cancer. I need updates on your lives. Email me your last christmas letter, tell me what your kids are doing, share with us the quirky little stories you read in the paper. I want updates on the best new TV shows, I want a list of good jokes (bring on clean and dirty), I want to become addicted to reality TV. I want you to ask me about which of the new Hokie birds in town I like the best (if you live locally) or what Bethany is going to wear to her first day of school (Aug 23). I need the distraction, I need the realief. If you see me around town, especially after I lose my hair, I need you to ignore the Elephant of cancer in the room and ask me about the color of toenail polish I'm wearing. I need that, I crave that. Send it on.
Please know that just by reading this today, you have answered one of my prayers. That is a wonderful blessing to me.
Kat
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Update on Jeff's dad, Walt.
For all my prayer people out there, I got a new one for you. Jeff's dad, Walt will go in for his prostate cancer surgery on Monday, August, 14th at 7:45 am in Atlanta, GA. Some of you may be wondering why Atlanta since they live in Florida. They are travelling to have one of the best prostate surgeons in the country operate on him. Their alternative was a military contracted dr. who told him that he wouldn't bother with surgery and he only had 3 years to live. The second dr. said "hogwash" that he had a great prognosis and of course they would remove the cancer. I liked what he said, "the best cancer is one on the shelf in a jar somewhere."
In case you haven't caught in the 20 other times I have mentioned it, ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION.
The bummer for them is that their insurance is not covering very much of this surgery, but I know that you get to a place in life where you can't put a price on the sacrifice you will make financially to receive the best possible chance, and you just have to take the leap of faith and work the money part out later. It may sound trite, but its reality.
He will have his entire prostate removed, unfortunately other options such as seed radiation, etc. are not things he is eligible for. He will most likely have radiation in the future.
Our prayer is that the cancer will be completely contained in his prostate (like me, we want clear margins) with NO LYMPH NODE involvement. I am also going to throw out a very specific prayer that all his nerve endings remain intact and that he has many years ahead of him of enjoying the "finer things of marriage." This is not at all an unreasonable request from a medical standpoint, and since those "finer things of marriage" are responsible for the birth of my wonderful husband, I say more power to you! We also want to pray that there is no spreading of the disease to the seminal vesical, or other local areas.
Since Jeff's sister, Stefanie, lives in Atlanta, they will be able to stay with her until he is well enough to travel home. We will try to update you next week with his status.
In case you haven't caught in the 20 other times I have mentioned it, ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION.
The bummer for them is that their insurance is not covering very much of this surgery, but I know that you get to a place in life where you can't put a price on the sacrifice you will make financially to receive the best possible chance, and you just have to take the leap of faith and work the money part out later. It may sound trite, but its reality.
He will have his entire prostate removed, unfortunately other options such as seed radiation, etc. are not things he is eligible for. He will most likely have radiation in the future.
Our prayer is that the cancer will be completely contained in his prostate (like me, we want clear margins) with NO LYMPH NODE involvement. I am also going to throw out a very specific prayer that all his nerve endings remain intact and that he has many years ahead of him of enjoying the "finer things of marriage." This is not at all an unreasonable request from a medical standpoint, and since those "finer things of marriage" are responsible for the birth of my wonderful husband, I say more power to you! We also want to pray that there is no spreading of the disease to the seminal vesical, or other local areas.
Since Jeff's sister, Stefanie, lives in Atlanta, they will be able to stay with her until he is well enough to travel home. We will try to update you next week with his status.
Today is a new day, I think.
Its an interesting week to live this new life of major changes. I often feel like I am on the outside of someone else's bad dream waiting to be awaken by some alarm clock. Then I realize that this reality, for this season of life is not something for me to fear, but to try and work along with. I am feeling better than I had expected to feel coming into the chemo phase of this fight. Though no amount of preparation or reading can prepare you for the general feeling of yuck that becomes the norm.
I have become thankful for the times I don't feel like I am going to puke. For me, the experience feels a lot like when I was pregnant. I am never quite 100%, not puking, but always feel like if I smell the wrong thing, or taste the wrong thing, the possibility is there. I have learned that I need to eat and drink something IMMEDIATELY upon getting up or the nausea hits me like a brick wall. I am not normally a breakfast eater, but we have tried to keep things on hand that I can eat in a hurry. I am tired, not exhausted, but I feel like I have lived a whole day by about 4:00 pm. I think in the coming months 9 pm may become my bedtime.
Today, it is raining outside and it feels very much like how I am feeling about life right now. I am not depressed (after a bout with post pardum depression, I have no problems seeking anti-depressants if or when the time comes, I've been told this is very common with people dealing with sickness/cancer/chemo.)
I am just feeling like I need to find my way in all this. I must say in light of Jeff's loss of job, I feel even more useless then I did before. I know I will be a virtual blob over the next 16 weeks as I try to keep up my strength and fight this disease. I struggle with knowing that I won't be the best mom, the best wife, the best friend or the best employee I can be. I know my "job" is to fight this cancer, but let's face it, that is just no fun. I know that this is a season, that won't last forever and all that junk about how I will be stronger for it, be glad I did it, see God through it, yadda, yadda, yadda. I struggle with not having the option of being the one who can go out and work more to help the family job/insurance issues. I hope to return to Starbucks part-time in a few weeks, but I would be kidding myself if I thought I could do it more than 15 hours a week for the next few months.
I am trying hard not to think about Jeff's job loss. If I do, I waiver back and forth between panic and fear. Its not that I don't trust Jeff, his abilities or even God's provision. The reality is I know God does not promise us the level of comfort or financial status we may once have attained, there is just no promise there. I know we will not be homeless, hungry, left by the side of the road and all my other thoughts from there are just plain selfish. We are in process of building our dream home. This is the home we had designed to live in for decades, watch the kids go off to college, or retire in. This was the last stop of home ownership for us. We love this house, this land and all the plans we had for it. Now, I feel sick even thinking about it. What if its not in God's plan for us to have this house? What if we were being too materialistic about it? What if His plan is much different for us then we had set out for ourselves? I was so excited about the house a week ago. It was such a wonderful distraction from cancer. I enjoyed going out to the house and seeing it be built up a little more each visit. I almost felt like the more I got broken down physically, I could look forward to it being built up. Now, I am resentful that I don't feel excited about it anymore. I resent that I am scared that a lack of job will suddenly eliminate our chances of moving in. The house is set to be done in November and I was looking forward to it being a new beginning after my chemo treatments end. As it is now, if I keep on my current chemo schedule I will finish with chemo November 14th, and our house is scheduled to be done November 20th. I struggle with guilt that we even had the opportunity for this kind of house and that I am being greedy about it. I struggle with resenting our current apartment. I know God provided this place for our family, that was exactly what we prayed for...a place in Bethany's school district, with 2 bedrooms, affordable, available for a short term lease, washer/dryer, dishwasher. It is exactly what we asked for when we didn't know where we would live between our last house and our new house. I never would have imagined when we signed the lease here that I would be facing going through chemo here and I feel guilty being resentful about it.
The light in all this is Jeff. He is the embodiment of the vows, "for better or for worse" He doesn't complain and doesn't waiver in all this and I am humbled by his strength. (I am tearing up as I write this) Even since he lost his job he has been a rock. At first, I thought he was just trying to be "strong" for all of us, but then I came to realize in recent days that he really does feel like we will be OK in all this. When I become ungrateful of this place we live in, he chimes in with a reminder of how grateful we need to be for this place that is more than enough and more than a lot of people have. He is on far less sleep then me (or any of us) in all this and when I rise he is doing something for the family and when I go to sleep he is doing something for the family. I am humbled to wonder if I could have the same type of strength he has had if the situation was reversed. (I don't want to be tested on that God, in case you are wondering.)
As far as the job search, Jeff has updated his resume and will post it on all the major channels as well as send it to some of you who've inquired. He is also vigourously pursuing his previous contracts from his job that just laid him off. Since they got rid of all of this type of work he is free to pursue these companies directly for contract work. Some of them he has job experience going back 7 years, but he knows that he only has a very short window to produce signed contracts for work in order to give his family financial stability. If I had to write a wish list for his job, we would obviously prefer he continue to be able to work at home, but we also know this may not be realistic anymore. We will keep you updated on his status.
As for you, my readers of this blog. I must say I am humbled that anyone would care what my little words are on a daily basis. I know you all as caring people, but I know myself as a talker as well, and find myself quite surprised that anyone would indulge my babbling this long. I am humbled by the words the Lord gives me in my heart for writing in this blog (sometimes I type something and think, "did I write that?") Thank you for your continued feedback, I will keep writing as long as someone keeps reading.
Love and blessings,
Kat
I have become thankful for the times I don't feel like I am going to puke. For me, the experience feels a lot like when I was pregnant. I am never quite 100%, not puking, but always feel like if I smell the wrong thing, or taste the wrong thing, the possibility is there. I have learned that I need to eat and drink something IMMEDIATELY upon getting up or the nausea hits me like a brick wall. I am not normally a breakfast eater, but we have tried to keep things on hand that I can eat in a hurry. I am tired, not exhausted, but I feel like I have lived a whole day by about 4:00 pm. I think in the coming months 9 pm may become my bedtime.
Today, it is raining outside and it feels very much like how I am feeling about life right now. I am not depressed (after a bout with post pardum depression, I have no problems seeking anti-depressants if or when the time comes, I've been told this is very common with people dealing with sickness/cancer/chemo.)
I am just feeling like I need to find my way in all this. I must say in light of Jeff's loss of job, I feel even more useless then I did before. I know I will be a virtual blob over the next 16 weeks as I try to keep up my strength and fight this disease. I struggle with knowing that I won't be the best mom, the best wife, the best friend or the best employee I can be. I know my "job" is to fight this cancer, but let's face it, that is just no fun. I know that this is a season, that won't last forever and all that junk about how I will be stronger for it, be glad I did it, see God through it, yadda, yadda, yadda. I struggle with not having the option of being the one who can go out and work more to help the family job/insurance issues. I hope to return to Starbucks part-time in a few weeks, but I would be kidding myself if I thought I could do it more than 15 hours a week for the next few months.
I am trying hard not to think about Jeff's job loss. If I do, I waiver back and forth between panic and fear. Its not that I don't trust Jeff, his abilities or even God's provision. The reality is I know God does not promise us the level of comfort or financial status we may once have attained, there is just no promise there. I know we will not be homeless, hungry, left by the side of the road and all my other thoughts from there are just plain selfish. We are in process of building our dream home. This is the home we had designed to live in for decades, watch the kids go off to college, or retire in. This was the last stop of home ownership for us. We love this house, this land and all the plans we had for it. Now, I feel sick even thinking about it. What if its not in God's plan for us to have this house? What if we were being too materialistic about it? What if His plan is much different for us then we had set out for ourselves? I was so excited about the house a week ago. It was such a wonderful distraction from cancer. I enjoyed going out to the house and seeing it be built up a little more each visit. I almost felt like the more I got broken down physically, I could look forward to it being built up. Now, I am resentful that I don't feel excited about it anymore. I resent that I am scared that a lack of job will suddenly eliminate our chances of moving in. The house is set to be done in November and I was looking forward to it being a new beginning after my chemo treatments end. As it is now, if I keep on my current chemo schedule I will finish with chemo November 14th, and our house is scheduled to be done November 20th. I struggle with guilt that we even had the opportunity for this kind of house and that I am being greedy about it. I struggle with resenting our current apartment. I know God provided this place for our family, that was exactly what we prayed for...a place in Bethany's school district, with 2 bedrooms, affordable, available for a short term lease, washer/dryer, dishwasher. It is exactly what we asked for when we didn't know where we would live between our last house and our new house. I never would have imagined when we signed the lease here that I would be facing going through chemo here and I feel guilty being resentful about it.
The light in all this is Jeff. He is the embodiment of the vows, "for better or for worse" He doesn't complain and doesn't waiver in all this and I am humbled by his strength. (I am tearing up as I write this) Even since he lost his job he has been a rock. At first, I thought he was just trying to be "strong" for all of us, but then I came to realize in recent days that he really does feel like we will be OK in all this. When I become ungrateful of this place we live in, he chimes in with a reminder of how grateful we need to be for this place that is more than enough and more than a lot of people have. He is on far less sleep then me (or any of us) in all this and when I rise he is doing something for the family and when I go to sleep he is doing something for the family. I am humbled to wonder if I could have the same type of strength he has had if the situation was reversed. (I don't want to be tested on that God, in case you are wondering.)
As far as the job search, Jeff has updated his resume and will post it on all the major channels as well as send it to some of you who've inquired. He is also vigourously pursuing his previous contracts from his job that just laid him off. Since they got rid of all of this type of work he is free to pursue these companies directly for contract work. Some of them he has job experience going back 7 years, but he knows that he only has a very short window to produce signed contracts for work in order to give his family financial stability. If I had to write a wish list for his job, we would obviously prefer he continue to be able to work at home, but we also know this may not be realistic anymore. We will keep you updated on his status.
As for you, my readers of this blog. I must say I am humbled that anyone would care what my little words are on a daily basis. I know you all as caring people, but I know myself as a talker as well, and find myself quite surprised that anyone would indulge my babbling this long. I am humbled by the words the Lord gives me in my heart for writing in this blog (sometimes I type something and think, "did I write that?") Thank you for your continued feedback, I will keep writing as long as someone keeps reading.
Love and blessings,
Kat
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
new address
For those of you who have asked...
Our new address is:
The Werner Family
212 Ellett Rd.
Blacksburg, VA 24060
phone is still the same: 540-552-4321
Its 10 pm on chemo day two, still feeling good, but very tired. Good night all.
Kat
Our new address is:
The Werner Family
212 Ellett Rd.
Blacksburg, VA 24060
phone is still the same: 540-552-4321
Its 10 pm on chemo day two, still feeling good, but very tired. Good night all.
Kat
Update on chemo and other news...
I made it through my first of 8 chemos! The whole process took about 4 hours. I met with my oncologist (the first time Jeff has met him). The Dr. joked with the medical student he brought in with him about how I was the patient who told him what chemo I was going to do and he was along for the ride.
They took a blood sample to check all those "counts" I explained before. They all came in normal.
I sat down in the chemo room (a horseshoe shaped room with comfy recliners around the outside and nurses station on the middle) I will try and post a picture sometime so you can see my experience.
The most painful part of the process was when the took the bandage off to access my port on my right arm (boy I wish someone could come up with an ouchless tape for hospitals) I felt a stick when the put the needle in my port, especially since it is still so new, it is tender. The good news on this is that they gave me a prescription for numbing cream to put on that site before I come next time so I won't feel that again. I didn't feel burning of the meds going in, like some people described. The first half hour was all anti-nausea meds. The second part was a giant syringe the nurse inserted by hand, it is the "A" part of the A/C treatment. It looks like fruit punch (very red) and it took about 15 min. The last part was an IV bag, the "C" part that took a little over an hour.
I ate lunch during treatment (Jeff was there with me) and watched my little TV they provide. Had a long talk with the nurses about what I was facing in months ahead and also caught up on their personal lives. Susan and Christine will be my regular nurses each Tuesday treatment.
I was fine until about 8pm when the nausea hit. I never actually threw up. Dry heave a couple of times, almost wished I would throw up at others. I took 2 Promethazine tabs over the course of the night. They really knock you out. By about 11 pm I figured out that sucking on ice chips helped the most. I couldn't even stand the smell of anything food wise, but found out that popcorn was ok, it was a light flavor, dry, just enought to get something in my stomach. I went to bed about midnight. Did not feel sick all night. Woke up about 11 am (something I haven't done in years). So far today I feel tired, but no nausea. I am trying to stay on top of it with regular meds, etc. I have eaten a bowl of cereal and a leftover sweet potato. The one bummer (that I had been warned of) is that I have very little taste. The chemo leaves a metal taste and sucks up most of your saliva so I have dry mouth and little taste for the next 4 months.
On to other news, big news. Jeff lost his job yesterday. I know, I know, it could not have come at a worse time. He got the call at about 6pm last night. It has nothing to do with my health, our move, etc. They are getting rid of his whole section of the company. It is only an 8 person company to begin with, so 2 guys will be laid off. His last pay check is August 31st. We knew this was a possiblity for several years now. (This is the main reason we moved to Blacksburg) but as you can imagine the timing really, truly, could not be worse. We have gotten the company owner to agree to extend our health insurance as a "non-salaried employee" until the end of December. This is huge, because even though we will have to pay for the insurance ourselves back to the company, we will not have to pay the COBRA rate which could be thousands of dollars a month given my current health status. We don't know how this will affect our construction loan for our new house, as well as a thousand other things. We feel we have the resources to get throught October. In the meantime Jeff with turn over every rock, send out resumes over a 100 square miles and follow up with all leads. If you all know anyone who needs a computer Developer or Application manager that can work from Blacksburg, Roanoke or Salem (telecommute or commute to local office) please let us know.
Spiritual and emotionally I am tired and wrecked by this latest development. I am trying to do what I can to mend my own body. I am tired of talking with God, I speak to him in whispers of my heart throughout the day, but as he says in his scripture, he knows the prayers when I have no words to say. I embrace your prayers and encouragement now more than ever. I have realized that there are a special group of you that still read this blog, still write back to me and still send encouragement even 2 months into this battle. Trust me when I say, I still pour over every word and need them so much. Thank you for being the continued support to us through this.
Blessings,
Kat
They took a blood sample to check all those "counts" I explained before. They all came in normal.
I sat down in the chemo room (a horseshoe shaped room with comfy recliners around the outside and nurses station on the middle) I will try and post a picture sometime so you can see my experience.
The most painful part of the process was when the took the bandage off to access my port on my right arm (boy I wish someone could come up with an ouchless tape for hospitals) I felt a stick when the put the needle in my port, especially since it is still so new, it is tender. The good news on this is that they gave me a prescription for numbing cream to put on that site before I come next time so I won't feel that again. I didn't feel burning of the meds going in, like some people described. The first half hour was all anti-nausea meds. The second part was a giant syringe the nurse inserted by hand, it is the "A" part of the A/C treatment. It looks like fruit punch (very red) and it took about 15 min. The last part was an IV bag, the "C" part that took a little over an hour.
I ate lunch during treatment (Jeff was there with me) and watched my little TV they provide. Had a long talk with the nurses about what I was facing in months ahead and also caught up on their personal lives. Susan and Christine will be my regular nurses each Tuesday treatment.
I was fine until about 8pm when the nausea hit. I never actually threw up. Dry heave a couple of times, almost wished I would throw up at others. I took 2 Promethazine tabs over the course of the night. They really knock you out. By about 11 pm I figured out that sucking on ice chips helped the most. I couldn't even stand the smell of anything food wise, but found out that popcorn was ok, it was a light flavor, dry, just enought to get something in my stomach. I went to bed about midnight. Did not feel sick all night. Woke up about 11 am (something I haven't done in years). So far today I feel tired, but no nausea. I am trying to stay on top of it with regular meds, etc. I have eaten a bowl of cereal and a leftover sweet potato. The one bummer (that I had been warned of) is that I have very little taste. The chemo leaves a metal taste and sucks up most of your saliva so I have dry mouth and little taste for the next 4 months.
On to other news, big news. Jeff lost his job yesterday. I know, I know, it could not have come at a worse time. He got the call at about 6pm last night. It has nothing to do with my health, our move, etc. They are getting rid of his whole section of the company. It is only an 8 person company to begin with, so 2 guys will be laid off. His last pay check is August 31st. We knew this was a possiblity for several years now. (This is the main reason we moved to Blacksburg) but as you can imagine the timing really, truly, could not be worse. We have gotten the company owner to agree to extend our health insurance as a "non-salaried employee" until the end of December. This is huge, because even though we will have to pay for the insurance ourselves back to the company, we will not have to pay the COBRA rate which could be thousands of dollars a month given my current health status. We don't know how this will affect our construction loan for our new house, as well as a thousand other things. We feel we have the resources to get throught October. In the meantime Jeff with turn over every rock, send out resumes over a 100 square miles and follow up with all leads. If you all know anyone who needs a computer Developer or Application manager that can work from Blacksburg, Roanoke or Salem (telecommute or commute to local office) please let us know.
Spiritual and emotionally I am tired and wrecked by this latest development. I am trying to do what I can to mend my own body. I am tired of talking with God, I speak to him in whispers of my heart throughout the day, but as he says in his scripture, he knows the prayers when I have no words to say. I embrace your prayers and encouragement now more than ever. I have realized that there are a special group of you that still read this blog, still write back to me and still send encouragement even 2 months into this battle. Trust me when I say, I still pour over every word and need them so much. Thank you for being the continued support to us through this.
Blessings,
Kat
Monday, August 07, 2006
Back Online...
Hello all. After many days and moving (arghhh) we are back online and settling into our new, somewhat "cozier" new digs. I will refrain from using the expression "smaller place" as I believe outlook is half the battle, but who am I kidding, it is quite a bit smaller.
First, the details...
I start chemo TOMORROW, Tuesday, August 8th. My appointment is scheduled for 9:45 am. Tomorrow's appt. will be longer than most, as they introduce me to the joys that are chemo. Every week's chemo will be dependent on some major factors before they will continue with the regime. So, I will start tomorrow assuming that my white blood cell count is normal (you will here me refer to this A LOT in coming months, as this is one of the most important things in my chemo. (Quick medical lesson, for those of you, who like me, had no idea what all these cell things meant until confronted with the necessity of knowing)
White blood cells (WBC) = germ fighters. The more you have the better, even in healthy people, your white blood cell count will drop when you are about to get a cold, have the flu, etc. Since the chemo will be killing cells (targeting the cancer cells, but good cells get whacked along the way as well) I will have "dips" in my WBC, usually at their 7-10 days after each one of my treatments (assuming I avoid all illness). I will need to have a shot the day after chemo each round to force these WBC into recovery (this is part of doing the Dense Dose treatment) without DD, they would recover on their own in about 21 days. A good count is 3,800-10,800. Any thing lower than that the day I enter each round and they will have to postpone that round until they rebound.
Platelets = blood clotters. We need these to make sure we don't "bleed out" when we are cut. They also repair damage to your blood vessels by helping form blood clots. I had a problem with really low platelets during both my pregnancies. I did not have to have a platelet transfusion, but came dangerously close to having to have one. I am praying this problem doesn't rear its ugly head once again. Normal platelets are 130,000-400,000. During my pregnancy my lowest count was about 30,000.
Red Blood Cells (RBC) = carries oxygen. They need to be 3.9-5.2.
Assuming all of these counts for me are in normal range I will begin chemo tomorrow. The one wrench in the gears is how I am healing from the PICC line I had installed on last Monday. After discussions with the surgeon and oncologist we decided to put the PICC in my arm. (A PICC is a long-term temporary port placed in a major vein or artery that allows them to put in IV fluids, or take blood samples without having to stick me each time, or look for a new usable vein for each round of chemo.) Especially for women, chemo tends to ruin a vein each round. It becomes increasingly difficult to find new usable veins for each round of chemo (especially with 8 rounds ahead of me). The first oncologist did not recommend I have one (I am still not entirely sure why), but others I have consulted with that have had chemo, as well as my current oncologist, all highly recommended one. We decided not to have a chest one installed (which is usually the norm) because the surgeon was concerned it would interfere with my expanders for my future boobies.
So, I had one installed last Monday. I had no problems (it was an outpatient procedure under local anesthetic). Its not what I would call an afternoon of fun, but I was glad to not have to go under general anethesia again ( I would have, had I had a chest port put in). It was sore and tender, but ok, until Tuesday. Tuesday, we started to move. I was told not to lift anything with this arm for several days. I did very well, except I had to lift Liam 2 times. Well, by Tuesday night it was bleeding through the dressing they put on, and the one I put on top of their dressing. (Yah, I know, not a good sign) I will talk more about my God sighting in the midst of this and the move a little later.
I called the Dr. And he told me that I had to lay down on the couch with my arm above me for the rest of the night. This was very difficult for me. Keep in mind, while I was laying there a team of people who had come to help us move were moving heavy things around me and I was literally flat on my back, doing NOTHING! This was tough for me emotionally. I teared up about it several times throughout the night I was tired of having this great spiritual and emotional lessons from cancer, someone else can have the "testimonies" for a change.
Wednesday morning, while the professional movers were at my house with Jeff, I was at the local emergency room getting a dressing change, an antibiotic and an arm sling (not necessary, but given to me so I would COMPLETELY stop using my right arm.) (yes, I am right handed) I went to the emergency room by recommendation of my dr. who put in the arm port, to save me a trip back to the hospital that put in the port (35 min away) so I could go to the local hospital, get the change and be back to the moving process. The port has not bled since. It was a little swollen when the oncologist's nurse looked at it on Friday, but she was confident I would be ok for my first round of chemo. So, assuming it is ok tomorrow, I will be ok to start chemo.
GOD SIGHTINGS....
This is one of my favorite expressions introduced to me by our best friends. It is simply an expression to show how we see God in the folds of our life, sometimes in unexpected places or ways. I have had a thousand of these since June 9th (my diagnosis day). I will focus on the last few days...
Moving sucks. There is no other way to describe it. There can be a move that is better than another, but it is never fun or a "good time". It is never something we long to do when you haven't done it in a while.
"Hey, what should we do on our vacation?"
"I don't know, how about something really fun, like moving?"
"Yah, we haven't done that in a while, it will be so much fun"
At 3:30 I was told to lay on the couch with my arm up. People were suppose to come and help us move at 4:30. I broke down. I was overwhelmed by the task that lie ahead. I was feeling defeated that I felt like God was allowing us to cope with the enormity of things that I didn't think I could handle it. My mom was there (she was leaving to bring the kids to my sister's house for the duration of our move) and she saw me hit my wall. She teared up as I cried and wondered how we would move everything. I felt alone, defeated and worried.
Then God showed up....
He showed up in the form of our church members. He showed up in the form of our real estate agent (equipped with truck). He showed up in the form of more than a dozen teenagers (some quite strong). He showed up with free subs from a dear member of our church who runs a local sub shop, more than enough to feed everyone ---Here is my free advertising for JIMMY JOHN'S SUBS, buy them, they are good--- He showed up in having a task done in 2 hours that we were sure would take us all night. He showed up in my mom who trekked the kids a half an hour away for two days. He showed up in my sister who had 6 kids in her house for more than two days and has NOT ONCE complained to me about taking the kids in the last 7 weeks. He showed up and He showed me up. It was more than I could handle, he knew that, and He handled it.
We have an amazing church down here that has surrounded us since day one of our diagnosis. When we needed people to help us move our stuff to our apartment (not our big stuff, that was done by movers) but people to pack our kitchen, cart our clothes, etc. they showed up. Not only did we need help moving, but we found out the day of our move that our landlord of our new apartment was not going to clean our apartment before we moved in. So one of the ladies small groups went our apt. and cleaned it for us before we moved in.
Our professional movers were also amazing. For those of you who know our story of our move to Blacksburg, you know we had a nightmare move (for those of you who don't know the whole story, just know that they got to our house 6 hours late and the driver had a 40 ounce beer in hand, use your imagination for the rest) These new movers were great. A huge endorsement for CROWN MOVING out of Roanoke, VA. Very fast, very professional. They were done moving our furniture out of our house in 2 hours, we were completely done with the move at 1pm!
Last thing, a bit of exciting news in all this. I got my first "fill up" in my tissue expanders at my plastic surgeon's office on Friday. Not much, 25 cc (future ones will be about 50 cc). I am probably just barely a "A" cup (ok, maybe just a double AA--yes, guys that is smaller than an A), but the boobie seeds have been planted! Just so you know I am shooting for 450-500cc total, this will be a good "C" cup size. I can get "fill-ups" as often as once every 10 days to 2 weeks. We are moving in the right direction for once.
Well that's all for today's report. I will try an update (or have Jeff update) tomorrow after my first chemo. I am including some Disney pics and recent pics so you can see me before I lose my hair (probably sometime in the next 1-3 weeks.)
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