Walt's surgery, now what?

I'm going to start with a disclaimer. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am not the bearer of good news lately. Its not that I don't want to be, its just my reality these days. I say this not as a martyr, but as a reality to telling you if you can't handle the junk of this emotional journey we've been through, I don't blame you and I would likely do the same. If you think you can handle more, if you didn't have enough to pray about, if you continue your unconditional support...read on.

Walt was supposed to have his prostate removed this morning. What we knew going into surgery was that the cancer was definately on both sides of the prostate, that he was not eligible for simple radiation procedures and there may be some indication that the cancer was not completely limited to the prostate, but if spreading had occurred we didn't know how much or to where. I am going to explain the results as black and white as possible reserving the emotional or variations for later, here is what they found. The cancer has spread beyond the prostate. The Dr. indicated he could see it at least spread to the lymph nodes visually and we are unsure of where else he may or may not have spread to. He believes it has not spread to the bone (a good thing), but as far as its aggressiveness, or extent of spreading we will not know completely until the pathology report returns. The Dr. opted to leave the prostate in place for what I believe (in my lay person's knowledge) was so Walt could have a quicker recovery from surgery to begin other treatment, to leave a marker by which to measure how affective treatments are working, and because its removal at this point may do more damage than benefit. The next step is for Walt and Sue to rush home (as early as tomorrow--yes, that quickly--for those of you who don't know they are having surgery 6 hours from where they live) and begin immediate hormone treatment. Prostate cancer is not a cancer treated with chemotherapy unless there is some specific symptom that develops that the chemo can help eleviate, but chemo is no cure for this type of cancer. Hormone therapy will deal with finding out whether Walt's cancer is feeding off of and growing from testosterone. As they administer the hormones I imagine they will monitor the cancer, any tumors or growth, to see if the combination of hormones decreases or ceases their spread. I will become a student of prostate cancer as I have breast cancer. I wish in my own selfish way that at the very least they could make all the scales and terminologies similiar so I could apply what I have absorbed about my cancer to an understanding of Walt's, but it is not the case.

OK, what does this all mean, really? Its not what we wanted, by any stretch of the imagination. We are now dealing with his cancer in frank terms as a matter of extending life and improving quality of life. As a cancer survivor now (wow, that's the first time I've applied that statement to myself) the words "extending" and "improving" are not words you want to hear. They feel like a consulation prize to first place and everyone knows the reality behind what they mean. None of us are bulletproof, but looking into the mirror of life's reality is not only not fun, but it is the most terrifying view that exists in this lifetime, I now know that. We HAVE TO believe that Walt will fight this with everything in his and Christ's power. We HAVE TO believe that our days are not numbered down, but added up, that is not a choice of the mind, it is a reality to being able to go on, and function on a daily basis. I or Walt could not get out of bed each day if we knew it was just another cross off the calender to an inevitable reality or fear. That is not a choice that I know Walt will allow, he is too much of a man for that.

I will not justify prognosis, timelines or outcomes, they will not affect Walt's outcome or the number of days in this world and they are only numbers. Countless people have beat the unbeatable, survived the unsurvivable and stood up to the crushing blows of some cancer that everyone else had written off in them. There is no reason to believe that we can't be the lottery winners in this raffle.

For all of us; Jeff, me, Jeff's sisters, Sue (Jeff's mom) and the layers of family that are trying to hold the sails down each time the wake of another wave hit, we are spent. Just when I think I am cried out, my body finds a way to produce more tears. Just when I think we have gotten our mouths above water the enormity and grief come crashing in again.

I called our pastor today and told him, "we are at the point where basic function is becoming difficult." To that, like an angel from God (no eloboration, a true angel from the Lord) he swooped in and picked up our kids to play at his house with his kids for several hours so Jeff and I could just sit for a few hours. I realized at 3:30 I hadn't even fed them lunch yet, and I couldn't remember if they'd gotten breakfast. I am sure they kept snacking as I threw junk food at them and had the TV babysit them, but I can't tell you how long Liam went without a diaper change today. I know God is still listening because I wouldn't even thought to have asked our pastor to do that, but God provided him to step up and just do it.

I have learned a valuable lesson (OK, by this point it is probably lesson number 543,987) but that in this moments I can't pray, when I don't want to take the effort to even flip the pages to the scripture someone has given me, I must rely on what I have learned to this point. I get that now. I get that the random Bible study I had in college, that sermon from a retreat in high school or that verse I memorized as a challenge from a friend may not have been meant for that time, but as armament for this battle at hand. I will take that to the college students I meet with on campus this fall, and to anyone else along the way. We need to be in the Word today so that when we don't have the strength to kneel at the cross tomorrow the words will already be printed on our hearts and in our spirits.

I have thought alot about the story in the Old Testament of Aaron and Hur...

Exodus 17:11-13
"As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one on one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."

Moses had a job to do and literally didn't have the strength to do it any more. He didn't have to, the Lord sent others to literally do the work for him.

That is what we need, that is what we rely on, though it gives me a pit in my stomach every time we have to "receive" something from someone in all this, I am humbly blessed more and more by each gesture.

I will keep you updated as Walt begins his treatment. As for me, I feel quite good physically in all this. I do hear the echoes of all of you out there saying, "you need to focus on getting better yourself, and getting well." I hear that, I receive that, and believe it or not I block about 90% of what I normally would in "worries" to focus on what's important (like the fact that I don't care where things have been placed in our new apartment, whether its the most efficient use of space or even if it makes sense. If it lands there, that's where its staying. For those of you who really know me, that is a big deal for me not to try and find the most efficient way to do everything.) I still haven't hit this mysterious White blood cell dip that everyone keeps eluding to, but since it is suppose to hit sometime in days 7-10 after treatment I am there now (today is day 7). I will confess I am not eating like I should. At last count I was down another 4 pounds, I think 15 pounds total since this all began. Don't worry I am not in danger of wasting away. I am now on steroids as part of chemo so I am sure it will come back to get me.

What we need from you...I need to talk about something other then cancer. I need updates on your lives. Email me your last christmas letter, tell me what your kids are doing, share with us the quirky little stories you read in the paper. I want updates on the best new TV shows, I want a list of good jokes (bring on clean and dirty), I want to become addicted to reality TV. I want you to ask me about which of the new Hokie birds in town I like the best (if you live locally) or what Bethany is going to wear to her first day of school (Aug 23). I need the distraction, I need the realief. If you see me around town, especially after I lose my hair, I need you to ignore the Elephant of cancer in the room and ask me about the color of toenail polish I'm wearing. I need that, I crave that. Send it on.

Please know that just by reading this today, you have answered one of my prayers. That is a wonderful blessing to me.

Kat