Today is a new day, I think.

Its an interesting week to live this new life of major changes. I often feel like I am on the outside of someone else's bad dream waiting to be awaken by some alarm clock. Then I realize that this reality, for this season of life is not something for me to fear, but to try and work along with. I am feeling better than I had expected to feel coming into the chemo phase of this fight. Though no amount of preparation or reading can prepare you for the general feeling of yuck that becomes the norm.

I have become thankful for the times I don't feel like I am going to puke. For me, the experience feels a lot like when I was pregnant. I am never quite 100%, not puking, but always feel like if I smell the wrong thing, or taste the wrong thing, the possibility is there. I have learned that I need to eat and drink something IMMEDIATELY upon getting up or the nausea hits me like a brick wall. I am not normally a breakfast eater, but we have tried to keep things on hand that I can eat in a hurry. I am tired, not exhausted, but I feel like I have lived a whole day by about 4:00 pm. I think in the coming months 9 pm may become my bedtime.

Today, it is raining outside and it feels very much like how I am feeling about life right now. I am not depressed (after a bout with post pardum depression, I have no problems seeking anti-depressants if or when the time comes, I've been told this is very common with people dealing with sickness/cancer/chemo.)

I am just feeling like I need to find my way in all this. I must say in light of Jeff's loss of job, I feel even more useless then I did before. I know I will be a virtual blob over the next 16 weeks as I try to keep up my strength and fight this disease. I struggle with knowing that I won't be the best mom, the best wife, the best friend or the best employee I can be. I know my "job" is to fight this cancer, but let's face it, that is just no fun. I know that this is a season, that won't last forever and all that junk about how I will be stronger for it, be glad I did it, see God through it, yadda, yadda, yadda. I struggle with not having the option of being the one who can go out and work more to help the family job/insurance issues. I hope to return to Starbucks part-time in a few weeks, but I would be kidding myself if I thought I could do it more than 15 hours a week for the next few months.

I am trying hard not to think about Jeff's job loss. If I do, I waiver back and forth between panic and fear. Its not that I don't trust Jeff, his abilities or even God's provision. The reality is I know God does not promise us the level of comfort or financial status we may once have attained, there is just no promise there. I know we will not be homeless, hungry, left by the side of the road and all my other thoughts from there are just plain selfish. We are in process of building our dream home. This is the home we had designed to live in for decades, watch the kids go off to college, or retire in. This was the last stop of home ownership for us. We love this house, this land and all the plans we had for it. Now, I feel sick even thinking about it. What if its not in God's plan for us to have this house? What if we were being too materialistic about it? What if His plan is much different for us then we had set out for ourselves? I was so excited about the house a week ago. It was such a wonderful distraction from cancer. I enjoyed going out to the house and seeing it be built up a little more each visit. I almost felt like the more I got broken down physically, I could look forward to it being built up. Now, I am resentful that I don't feel excited about it anymore. I resent that I am scared that a lack of job will suddenly eliminate our chances of moving in. The house is set to be done in November and I was looking forward to it being a new beginning after my chemo treatments end. As it is now, if I keep on my current chemo schedule I will finish with chemo November 14th, and our house is scheduled to be done November 20th. I struggle with guilt that we even had the opportunity for this kind of house and that I am being greedy about it. I struggle with resenting our current apartment. I know God provided this place for our family, that was exactly what we prayed for...a place in Bethany's school district, with 2 bedrooms, affordable, available for a short term lease, washer/dryer, dishwasher. It is exactly what we asked for when we didn't know where we would live between our last house and our new house. I never would have imagined when we signed the lease here that I would be facing going through chemo here and I feel guilty being resentful about it.

The light in all this is Jeff. He is the embodiment of the vows, "for better or for worse" He doesn't complain and doesn't waiver in all this and I am humbled by his strength. (I am tearing up as I write this) Even since he lost his job he has been a rock. At first, I thought he was just trying to be "strong" for all of us, but then I came to realize in recent days that he really does feel like we will be OK in all this. When I become ungrateful of this place we live in, he chimes in with a reminder of how grateful we need to be for this place that is more than enough and more than a lot of people have. He is on far less sleep then me (or any of us) in all this and when I rise he is doing something for the family and when I go to sleep he is doing something for the family. I am humbled to wonder if I could have the same type of strength he has had if the situation was reversed. (I don't want to be tested on that God, in case you are wondering.)

As far as the job search, Jeff has updated his resume and will post it on all the major channels as well as send it to some of you who've inquired. He is also vigourously pursuing his previous contracts from his job that just laid him off. Since they got rid of all of this type of work he is free to pursue these companies directly for contract work. Some of them he has job experience going back 7 years, but he knows that he only has a very short window to produce signed contracts for work in order to give his family financial stability. If I had to write a wish list for his job, we would obviously prefer he continue to be able to work at home, but we also know this may not be realistic anymore. We will keep you updated on his status.

As for you, my readers of this blog. I must say I am humbled that anyone would care what my little words are on a daily basis. I know you all as caring people, but I know myself as a talker as well, and find myself quite surprised that anyone would indulge my babbling this long. I am humbled by the words the Lord gives me in my heart for writing in this blog (sometimes I type something and think, "did I write that?") Thank you for your continued feedback, I will keep writing as long as someone keeps reading.

Love and blessings,
Kat