I haven't posted since my haircut, primarily because I needed to get out of "me" for a while. I realized it is so much nicer to think about Bethany's first day of school, the students returning to campus, the details of our new house, returning to work at Starbucks and getting back to meeting with students on campus, then it is thinking about cancer.
Someone asked me yesterday, why I don't seem more mad at God, why I am not pissed at him, or asking why me? I realized in that moment it is because it takes so much more effort to let anger fester and bitterness take over. It is so much more freeing to focus on joy, fun and the good things of life. The fact of the matter is, its not God's fault I have cancer. Yes, he allowed it (I know this is a huge theological discussion for another day) Cancer is about biology. In the same way I don't "praise him" when a papercut heals, (maybe I should) I can't turn and blame him for cancer. I don't know if we will ever really know what causes cancer, but it could be my choices, my genetics or my enviornment. Any way, blaming him does me no good.
I woke up Sunday morning feeling sorry for myself. The last of my hair is now completely falling out, it is itchy and makes my scalp hurt a little. I try and rub off what I can in the shower and I have shaved some areas, but I have found that by shaving it shorter and makes my scalp more tender, so for now, I will let it fall out at will. I woke up Sunday realizing that this was going to be the first big day of facing people I know and trust, with my new wig, many of whom knew I knew that they knew that I was wearing a wig (did you catch that?). I have never been so self conscious in my life as I am when I leave the house wearing a wig. I am not exactly sure why. Maybe its because I don't want to be felt sorry for, maybe its because I feel like I am trying to keep up some kind of rouse on the world. Maybe its because I don't want to answer questions about cancer, especially to people who haven't seen me in months and may ask, "hey you have a new haircut, what's that about?" (I saw 3 such people at a single trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and purposely avoided all 3 becaue I just didn't want to answer that question.)
I have opted for the wig route whenever I leave the house for 2 big reasons. First, I just don't want to stand out to people who don't know me. I see it already in the looks from people who know me (the eyes rat you guys out everytime) its the "poor kat" look and I have learned to hate it. Second, the kids are still a little unsettled about my bald head (especially Bethany) and they get excited when I wear my wig. The last thing I want is Bethany seeing some kid she knows from school, while I have a bald head, and she gets teased about it. She is still in that blissful age of life where she doesn't realize people can be so mean, and she doesn't realize there is something wrong with mommy being "different" right now. (Don't we wish this could last forever?)
Anyway, after feeling sorry for myself Sunday morning, we went to church. Church was packed. Its the first major Sunday after the students return for school at Tech and it was standing room only. It was so exciting to see that many students packing into a place to go to church (I think it was at least 650). I was quickly jolted out of myself when I realized that the big news was all these kids coming to learn about Christ (without mom and dad's prodding) and not my stupid issue of my new wig. I felt the adrenaline pumping as they continued to pour in and I found it a huge blessing to witness such a gathering. I have known for several years now that God has given me a special place in my heart for college students. There is such a yearning for independence and for many, the first time their faith and decisions are completely their own. I love watching and experiencing this coming of age, and it is the reason I love the students I meet with on campus for Bible Study and "mentoring" time. A couple of people I know commented on my hair, but it just wasn't that big of a deal, and frankly it shouldn't have been.
Our pastor is a gifted teacher who has a unique ability to speak the truth with humor and frankness, that I find so refreshing. He is speaking now on Joseph, I think primarily geared towards the new changes and obstacles facing college students, but every word has spoken to me directly in the changes I have been facing about cancer. His messages are available to listen to online, if you would like to hear some good teaching you can listen to them at: http://nlcf.net/talks/the-life-of-joseph-series
I also had a meeting and a phone conversation with two great women. One is a student I will continue to meet with this year and one is a woman who is coming on staff with a campus ministry I love called InterVarsity. Both are people I hope to focus on praying for and encouraging as they work on campus and focus on God's callings in their lives. Both conversations were amazingly uplifting and really helped me realize that it is so much more fun and energizing to focus on other people's needs and prayers then to sit around and think about cancer all the time.
I had my second round of chemo on tuesday and I am thankful that there was less nausea. However, I did experience some more achy feeling this time from the Neulasta shot (a white blood cell recovery med, that I need every round the day after chemo). It feels very much like you are "getting" the flu for a few days, but then subsides. I will take ache over puke anyday. I am hoping by the next few rounds I will get the magic combination of drugs and food down to make the first couple of days after chemo as smooth as possible. For now, it seems that I have chemo on Tuesday, I am laid up the rest of that day, all day Wednesday, somewhat functional mid-day Thursday and Friday (the mornings and evenings can be rough) and then back to relative normal by Saturday until the next round.
I started back to work at Starbucks on Saturday for the first time since my diagnosis (June 9th) and it felt so good. I worked 4 hours and it was relatively slow, but I was glad to get back to the business of real life again. I wore my wig with a bandana over it on top (not uncommon for people to wear bandanas there to keep their hair back). One girl I work with knows my story so she didn't ask about it. The other two employees were new and I didn't offer any info. I do not want to be known as the "cancer girl". As far as my regular customers that asked about me. Most of them I just said, "I took some time off this summer." Only one, whom I have gotten to know quite well over the last year, did I tell the whole story. Turns out she has battled colon cancer in the last 4 years, and we developed an immediate kinship. I agreed to pray for her and her inlaws battle with illness and she agreed to pray for me and inlaws battle with illness.
I hope to increase my hours over the next several months, especially if we need to pick up benefits from Starbucks. The wonderful thing about working for them, is that if I can work 20 hours average a week, they will give me full benefits. Since we just received our first bill for our new insurance premium, ($987.00) this will become necessary sooner rather than later if Jeff's job situation continues to be piecing together short term contract work. Yes, I know that's a lot of money to pay a month, put if it puts it into any kind of perspective as far as what a blessing that is, let me say this....Each chemo costs $5,000. Each Neulasta shot, for each chemo, costs $3,000. Each Emend pill I take for nausea cost $100. I take 3 per round. Since I am having chemo twice a month that means without meds, additional drs. visits, scans or tests, my next 3 months will cost at least $16,000 a month! So for now, we will be thankful to pay $987.00 a month.
Lastly, but certainly not least. Bethany started school on Wednesday with flying colors. We waiting for a half an hour for the bus and then it came, she got on, and left again in a flash! She was so confident and excited, I was so proud of her independence. I really didn't have the physical wear with all to get emotional (keep in mind this was the morning after chemo, not a good time for me physically) but with ice chips in hand we waited out there and I did fine. I came back inside and went straight back to bed. She has done great her first 3 days, learning rules, buying lunch in the cafeteria like a big girl and making friends (I am sure she is probably the classroom social director by now, yah, I know, apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) She goes for a full day, and they even include naptime (though she insists there is never actually any sleeping, but I am sure the teachers need the break.) I think it is so good for her to be at school right now, she hardly even noticed my last round of chemo, and that's the way it should be. Liam has been awesome at home with his additional one on one time with Mommy and Daddy and even his Occupational Therapist who comes to work on his Sensory Disorder issues has notices a change in him. I have enjoyed my one on one time with him that he has never really got to experience before since there was already another kid in place when he was born.
I have no new news on Jeff's dad. He is back home in Florida trying to return to his real life again. He has not met with an oncologist yet, I think it is all because of logistical reasons of insurance and scheduling, but he will have his first meeting with one this week. I have had a couple of conversations with my oncologist with what Walt may be facing ahead. He talked at length about hormonal therapy for prostate cancer and said he had some patients who had been diagnosed with "Advance Prostate Cancer" that he had now been treating for 10-12 years. Our prayer for Walt is that his cancer is the type that is hormonally driven, because this will mean that hormone supression could treat his cancer for quite a long time. I will keep you updated.
As for Jeff's job search. He has a string of short term contracts that will get us through mid-October. By October, when several companies fiscal year's start he will likely be able to add more contract work that will get us through to at least December. He also has a job interview tomorrow for a job based in Roanoke area (about 30 min away), but they have indicated their might be a great deal of travel involved, so we are not sure if this is a good thing or not. With the contract work we can get the money for our family, but no benefits (that would have to be where Starbucks comes in), but it would also allow Jeff to continue to work at home, which would allow me to work at Starbucks and also allow him to continue to hold up the family (and me) after each of my chemo rounds. A full time job somewhere else will likely provide us with a higher salary and benefits, but he would have to commute everyday, and for the short term and long term that would be a bummer, because I like having my hubby around, he is my best friend. So I am not sure how to pray on this, I guess just chalk it up to praying God's perfect will.
Thank you a thousand times over for the family stories, updates and emails you all have sent. I read them sometimes 3 or 4 times and I have looked at all the stories, links and websites. Please keep them coming!
Monday, August 28, 2006
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1 comment:
Hey...
My sister sent me the link and has told me about your new adventures in life. Just wanted to let you know that even though it has been like, what? ten years? - that I am thinking of you. You can reach me at bushfamilyof5@yahoo.com.
Jen Hard (Bush now)
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