Hair today, gone tomorrow...

OK, I admit, I couldn't wait to use that title's bad pun.

The time has arrived, like a huge bill after Christmas credit card spending. The time has come. Last night I went to bed around midnight (I have had quite a bit of insomnia in the last week with all the meds in my body). Right before I went to bed I went to the bathroom and noticed the tell tale sign, my hair was falling out. I will spare you the initimate details, but the body hair is the first to go, arms, sometimes leg, pubic ,etc. I ran my fingers through my head hair (which had been tied up most of the day) and sure enough large amounts of hair came with it. I wouldn't describe it as "chunks" of hair as some people have, been it definately has begun.

I cried. I am not sad about the hair itself. God knows I have been fighting it for years. As women we are constantly trying to pluck, wax, relocate, move, pin down, shine up or tame. After years of trying to fight off the mono-brow, now my last wish is that I wouldn't lose my eyebrows. Boy how life comes full circle.

I cried because I feel like I am "outed" now. I will now have to make the choice each time I leave the house whether I will put on a wig, hat or scarf. I am hoping I really like how my wig feels, because especially when I visit Bethany's school, I want to look as normal as possible. I don't want to look like the gaunt cancer patient. If I could sum up the one thing I hate the most in this journey, (ok two things, the gripping fear is definately the worst), but a close second would be the feeling that people are feeling sorry for me. I see it in their eyes when they look at me. I hear it in their words when the speak to me. I feel it in a room when I walk in. Its the elephant of cancer in the room, sometimes spoken about, sometimes not. I just want to be able to go to Wal-Mart like no big deal. I don't want people to see my as "that poor lady, she must have cancer" I don't want to be the teaching case of parents for their kids..."hey mommy why doesn't that lady have hair?" "Well, dear its because she has a yucky sickness callled cancer." The other side of it is the people who know me well, know I am losing (or will have lost) my hair and whatever I have on my head (especially a wig) is really just fake. I know it, they know it, we may not speak of it, but its there.

Here's my plan of attack. I am not going to wait for it all to come out on its own. I really want to donate my hair to "Locks of Love". It is a non-profit organization that makes wigs for children who are going through cancer or allopecia (a permanant hair loss disease). This little ship of hair has sailed me this far and its time to let someone else enjoy it for a while. I have been very particular about conditioning the last few months, knowing that I would want the strongest hair possible to donate.

Tonight, I will put my hair in ponytails and chop it off. I want the kids to be as involved as possible and we have been talking for a few weeks about this exciting chance I have to give my hair to little girls who need it. I want them to be excited about this, my new hats, my new wig and not scared about mommy's new strange head. I will let them help cut my hair and we might even make a "party" out of it. After that I will probably shave it off. I have heard that If I don't it will be come itchy, tender and I will find hair "everywhere" around the house. I will take lots of pictures and post them here as we go through this.

I have a favor to ask you....please don't say the following things to me, even if they are truthful
1. Your head is so nicely shaped
2. you are a beautiful baldy
3. Your wig looks so real
4. you can pull of this look so well
5. this is only temporary
6. {insert celebrity} looked great bald, and you look like her
7. you can pull of hats so well, you are definately a hat person
8. you don't need hair to be beautiful
9. your inner beauty is really shining through
10. you will look back on this time and feel stronger for it.

I know these things, I've heard these things. It doesn't make me feel any better. If it makes you feel better, I feel like I have more self-esteem right now then any other time in my life. I even did a self-esteem excerise with one of the girls I meet with back in May, before all this, and I feel better about my body, my life, my place in this world then ever before. But, I don't like feeling patronized or felt sorry for, so I guess that's why I can't handle the above statements.

On another note, Walt is home now, it much less pain and awaiting visits to the first round of drs. to begin his treament.

Love you all
Kat