Where the heck have I been?

I know many of you have been wondering if I fell off the face of the earth. I know there is a little part in some of you that was wondering if anything bad happened, but was afraid to ask. I know this because some of you emailed me asking that question.

Well the good news is that I am doing fine, cancer is still at bay, its just been a really crazy few weeks. So this will likely be a longer then normal blog as I try and fill you in on all the events of the last 6 weeks since my last chemo. It has been quite a roller coaster of events.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Northern Virginia to stay at my mom's house for the holidays and so that I could participate in the Northern Virginia Handcrafter's Guild annual craft show. I had been furiously making soap the last few weeks in our apartment kitchen to prepare for the show. Last year, it was my best show and it is the only show I was able to participate in this year, so I was anxiously awaiting this 3 day event. It was a wonderful show. My best show ever and I sold almost 600 bars of soap. I also had many visitors of my wonderful support system and friends I had not seen in years. It gave me warm fuzzies all around and was a wonderful confidence builder to my craft and my heart.

We returned home to a mad dash of finishing the house so we could move in before my December 19th reconstruction surgery. I worked for 25+ hours a week for the next few weeks coming to the house to coordinate last minute items from numerous contractors. We focused our efforts mostly on the items that needed to happen in order to get an Occupancy Permit. We figured the other cosmetic stuff could be adjusted over the next few months. We booked the movers for December 15th (the last possible date before my surgery) and prayed that the inspector would give us the OP on the 14th. We had no wiggle room, because if he didn't pass us that day, we would not be able to have him back for reinspection until after my surgery. We called the movers to plan the move and didn't anticipate they would be booked this time of year, but found out they were. I panicked and then humbly played the cancer card. Well, technically Jeff played the cancer card. The movers called back to see what our options were for moving dates in January and they asked if we had our hearts set on being in by Christmas. Jeff said, "its not Christmas as much as my wife is having a cancer surgery on December 19th, and it would be a real blessing to be in by then." They called back within minutes and explained they would move us on December 15th! God is good. They are great movers. Both our experiences with them have been amazing. So if you are in Southwest Virginia and need a moving company, I will give a free plug to Crowning Touch Moving in Roanoke.

We moved into our house, moved our stuff out of our old apartment and then the following day Jeff's parents arrived from Florida. They were a huge blessing to us in helping unpack, watch the kids and give us a relaxing and fun Christmas. We had a really nice visit with them. We put our tree up quickly (it was one of the first things we unpacked) so we could have some semblance of Christmas normalcy.

So what about that surgery, Kat? Did you get those "Christmas Boobies" you were hoping for? Well, in a nutshell, the surgery was good and bad. The surgery itself was uneventful. I had very little pain (most of my chest is completely numb from my mastectomies) and no nausea from anesthesia. Both, good things. I did spend the night in the hospital so I could have IV pain meds and IV antibiotics. I tried a new pain drug this time (instead of morphine, which makes me itchy all over and kind of yucky feeling) called Dilutin (Spell?) Well, it was good stuff. As my plastic surgeon put it, "its what I want to spend my last two weeks of life on." However, by the night of my surgery my blood pressure had dropped dangerously low and they took me off of it in the middle of the night.

I did not see my new breasts until the next day because of all the bandages and dressings. I went to the plastic surgeon's office and he took off my dressings. I was tired and groggy from a night of little sleep and post surgery effects, but still excited to see the "new girls". I looked down at my chest for the first time and my very first thought was, "where are they?" I looked just as flat as I had after my mastectomy and I was shocked and confused. My surgeon explained that he had to put in smaller implants then we had discussed. I have to admit I was more upset then I was when I saw my chest after my mastectomy the first time. That time, I knew what was coming and had expectations of the worst, plus I was happy that the cancer was out and I had no lymph node involvement. This time I had expectations that they would be misshapended for a while as they settle into place, but I did not expect that I would be basically flat chested again. I am basically an "A" cup at this time, and this was even harder since I was a good "B" or small "C" by the time my expanders were done being filled.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Even Jeff had to drag it out of me and I mourned (and am mourning) even now. I didn't want to post an update on my blog even though I know many of you had so anxiously awaited alongside of me a good outcome. I was upset that I even bothered with reconstruction and all the pain and discomfort that came with the expansion process over the last few months. I beat myself up for not doing the same amount of research that I had for my chemo and treatment, though now I realize I don't know if I would have done anything different.

I was a little frustrated with my surgeon that he didn't seem to sense how devasting this really was for me, but I also didn't share that with him.

So where does this leave me? Well, more surgery. I can go back and have a "revision" which means I can have larger implants put in. I don't exactly understand why they could put in larger implants later, but couldn't now. I have saggy skin that could be filled with a bigger implant, but it will really come down to what my muscle can do, since my implants are behind the peck muscle.

I can not do anything for several months until I have recovered from this surgery and can see how my current implants settle into place. However, I know they are not going to "grow" any, even if they do become more "breast shaped" in how they sit.

I struggle with getting second opinions. I like my plastic surgeon and his team of assistants, but I know I now have to do what is right for me and my eventual outcome. So I have made an appointment with one of the top reconstruction plastic surgeons in the country. He is in Georgetown, DC. He is a hard appointment to get and I won't see him until the end of February. He specializes in difficult reconstruction cases. Four of my online friends have seen him 2 for their original reconstructions, and 2 for their revisions and they are all extremely happy with the results. I will let you know how this appointment comes out in February.

For now, my hair is coming back (I have about 1/2 inch) and we are unpacking boxes. I am trying to return to a sense of normalcy and real life post-cancer. After much thought and prayer I have decided to quit Starbucks when the students return for the next semester (mid-January) it is just time for me to focus on other things and have more of an at home routine with Liam, Bethany and Jeff. I want to focus on ministry, homemaking and a daily devotional for women going through Breast cancer.

In February I will attend a conference for the Young Survival Coalition, the online support system that I have lived on for the last few months. It is an organization that focuses on women with Breast Cancer under 40. It has been my free therapy the last few months and the women on that site have become like sisters to me through this journey. Last night, one of those sisters, Cheryl Garcia, lost her battle with breast cancer. I wept as I read about her passing and it was a cold reminder of how much cancer sucks. She leaves behind 2 kids and she shared with us in the last few weeks how she had focused all her energy on making birthday and Christmas cards for her kids for the rest of their lives. We raised money to pay the costs of a pain pump her insurance wouldn't cover and I learned first hand how painful this journey is. Young Survival Coalition is an amazing organization and if you are ever looking for a group to give some donation money to, they are a good one. You will see a link to their site to the right of my blog on this page.

Jeff's job continues to flourish and our house is amazing. Jeff's dad continues to respond amazingly well to hormone treatment and prayer. He is thinking about removing some of the cancer through surgery next year, and he is trying to decide which surgery is best for his cancer.

Well, that catches you up on me for the last few weeks. I will post pictures when I can of my current hair, the kids, the house, etc.

You all are a blessing to me. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. To the year 2006... "go away, don't come back, don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out, I don't want to see you again. "

Our new address is: 1107 Arrington Rd. Blacksburg, VA 24060. Copy it down, because I will pull it off this site in a few days.

Kat

Now to getting on with life.

(me and my dear nurses: Susan, Susan, Me & Christine)

Who knew you could have a good day the same day you had chemo, but guess what? It can be done. I showed up to my last chemo all decked out in my pink breast cancer shirt, socks and sweater. I came bearing soap gifts for the nurses and coffee gifts for my doc. Complete with two bottles of sparkling cider for me and Barb (my chemo buddy) since it was the last day of chemo for both of us. The chemo itself was routine (though I never wanted to find such an awful thing as "routine" the reality is, routine is a welcome thing because it means I had no problems) I have a huge praise that my counts have not dipped down once during my entire chemo run and I have since learned that is is quite unusual. Some of my friends have been delayed or incompacitated by low counts and I have not really experienced either. A big praise and thanks for prayers on that one. My recovery from this last chemo will likely be longer because I could not have the $6,000 Neulasta shot I normally get to force my white blood cell count to rebound, because it would interfere with my surgery to have my arm port removed. Since my port is actually coming through my arm, getting it out as soon as possible was important.

So here is the really cool things about my last chemo. My parents brought me lunch and sat with me until the end. There is no substitute for having your Mommy and Daddy around, even at 31 years old. My chemo buddy, Barb, gave me a beautiful hand crocheted pink scarf. My doc and nurses had tears in their eyes as they said, "goodbye" to me and this made me feel so warm and fuzzy. I got to ring the "done with chemo" bell they have in the treatment room. (see picture) It has a poem on it that reads, "To celebrate this day, As I go on my Way, I ring this bell, for I am well, My treatment is done, and I can say I have won."

My last chemo fell on the same day as my sister's birthday and even though all the focus should have been on her, she did something very cool for me. She had 24 pink balloons when I got back to her house. She gave some to each member of the family (small & big people) and everyone who could read a verse about hope and prosperity, read them aloud. She had them on index cards. Then we all released our pink balloons into the air as a sign of victory, new beginnings and a bright future. I thought I would cry, but I was so excited about how bright my future looks (combined with pure exhaustion from the chemo) that I didn't cry. I had coincidentally dressed in pink that day and noticed that Bethany, Lydia, Mom and Lara had intentionally dressed in pink for me. It was a moment I will never forget.

It has been 5 days since my last chemo and I am now getting around to updating you all on my last day of chemo. I have been busy making over 1,000 soaps, and this week I got to shrink wrap and price them all. We will be in NoVA for the whole week of Thanksgiving and I hope to see as many dear friends as possible.

My port removal was fine. Once I saw the actual port when they removed it, I was a little creeped out to see how big it really was. The port itself (the part that started coming through my skin) was pretty small, but it had an 18 inch long tube on the end that was threaded all the way through my vein into my heart. (I am glad I didn't know that while it was inside me, the idea is a little unsettling) I have been tired from my last chemo and the site where they removed the port is a little sore, but really not too bad.

People have asked me how I would rate chemo as a whole. I have to say that I faired much better than I was expecting and really did not experience any of the horror stories people had reported or warned me of. I did not throw up once, I was never hospitalized, my chemo was never delayed and my counts were always in normal range. I do not attribute this to luck or good genes (we have already learned my genes are not so good), I attribute it as a whole to YOUR prayers and the Lord's strength. I would wake up some days and feel the prayers shooting through my body, laying on me like a warm blanket, and it felt good. Thank you for that. Thank you for each of you that said a quick or long prayer, sent a note or email and just lifted me up and carried me through this time.

I will continue to update you as I heal, get hair back, and have my "new boobie" surgery on December 19th. Also, we will hopefully be in our new home in the next 3 weeks or so. (keep praying for that). On a side note, you may have noticed I changed the colors on my blog, this is not a light decision. I decided this blog is not about Breast Cancer anymore, but about moving on, breathing new life and being greatful for every regular day that cancer is not a part of.

Love to you all

Kat

No Mo' Chemo'

I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't be more thrilled. Today was my last chemo. This morning I woke up with a little butterfly in my stomach, like I used to get on Christmas morning as a kid. I thought I would cry at some point today, but I didn't, I was so excited all day.

I have a lot to report about the last chemo, but I am totally exhausted now, so I will post my pictures and the details of all the cool stuff in the next couple of days.

Also, on a side note, please pray for a friend "G", (If you are reading this "G", I loved the letter) she is having a biopsy for a "suspicious area" found on her 1st mammogram, on November 29th. She is a family friend and a great personality and their family is in a big transition period. Please pray God's grace on her and their family during this time.

I will give more details later, off to watch "Dancing with the Stars", GO EMMITT! and then off to bed.

Love
Kat

No Mo' Chemo'

I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't be more thrilled. Today was my last chemo. This morning I woke up with a little butterfly in my stomach, like I used to get on Christmas morning as a kid. I thought I would cry at some point today, but I didn't, I was so excited all day.

I have a lot to report about the last chemo, but I am totally exhausted now, so I will post my pictures and the details of all the cool stuff in the next couple of days.

Also, on a side note, please pray for a friend "G", (If you are reading this "G", I loved the letter) she is having a biopsy for a "suspicious area" found on her 1st mammogram, on November 29th. She is a family friend and a great personality and their family is in a big transition period. Please pray God's grace on her and their family during this time.

I will give more details later, off to watch "Dancing with the Stars", GO EMMITT! and then off to bed.

Love
Kat

Look at me!

I am sure this doesn't make me famous, but I am featured on the Lifetime TV website now. I submitted a profile a couple of weeks ago, and here I am....

http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/photos/gallery10/index.php?currPhoto=36#photo

check it out!

Kat

November has arrived.

Well here I am in November. This may seem like just another month for many of you, but it is a month I have anxiously awaited since June 9th (my diagnosis day). November represents the end of my chemo. November 14th should be my last chemo. November represents when our house should be done. (If not November, very soon after, still hoping). November is when I get to do my one and only soap craft show, which I am so excited about. November is when we get to take our first trip out of this area since I started chemo. November is when I get to go to Northern Virginia and see some of my dear friends.

I am feeling pretty good since Taxol #3. I have had the same aches and pains starting the second day after chemo, but they are mostly tolerable with the right combination of pain meds. I imagine it is very similar to how some of you arthritis sufferers must feel. It is worse when I go outside in the cold (it has been in the 30's and 40's most of this week). So I stay inside as much as I can.

I also started anti-depressants this week. Zoloft, is my drug of choice. It is the same drug I took for post-partum depression after the birth of Bethany, and since I had little side effects (and it is avaliable in generic) my oncologist and I decided to try again. He described how patients often get depressed more as they enter the final phase of treatment. They become scared of the ticking time bomb they feel like the cancer is in their bodies. Especially women like me that are "triple negative" (in other words I have hormone negative and HER neg cancer) which means that I am not eligible for any other treatments (hormone or herceptin, a newer drug) so when I walk out of my last chemo I will just have follow up appointments for the rest of my life. I don't feel bad about having to take the anti-depressants as much as annoyed that I can't just have a normal life again, free from worry. I know they will not cure these worries, but if they can take the edge off of my terror sometimes, I will take it.

As for great news in our lives...Jeff's dad had a follow-up PSA test as a "baseline" before he was to begin radiation treatment this week. He has had two hormone treatments. At the time of his surgery his PSA was 20 and had risen from 17 of just a few weeks before. When they did his test this week it was .17! Not 17, point 1-7! That is a huge praise and a great indication that his cancer is responding to hormone treatment and lots of prayers. They are now deciding if they will have to do radiation at all! For now they will put markers in to monitor any movement of his cancer. This is wonderful news, and if he continues on this trend, he could be on treatments that are quite managable for many years to come!!!

Jeff has been working furiously at his contract work. He has had a flood gate of new work come in. So much so, that he is now having to find sub-contractors to do some of the programming work. He is still programming almost every waking hour, but we are thrilled that God is providing for us and he is still able to be home with the family. We hope to eventually get to a point where he can have more of a routine and less hours behind the computer once we have gotten back on our feet financially and we can built a nest egg for inconsistency of contract work. We are none the less grateful for such a wonderful response from his clients for ongoing work.

Our house is plugging along. Drywall is done. Kitchen cabinets installed. We went to the house yesterday to paint squares in each room to direct the painters on our color choices. We are hoping to have the electrical and plumbing work started by the end of the week. We have chosen and ordered our flooring. The siding is 3/4 of the way done. We are hoping to be in the home by the first week in December, if all the contractors can stay on their schedules. I have taken on the house stuff as a daily job and have spent probably 15-20 hours in the last week dealing with this. We knew this would have to happen, so it is just something that needs to get done at this point. The builder is trying hard to work with us, but only we are the ones overseeing smaller issues that would get overlooked. For example this week I noticed the hinges on all our doors were brass instead of silver tone. I also noticed our garage doors into the house opened into the garage instead of into the house. Small items that a good foreman would have noticed, but now take time to change.

I pray that all of you are enjoying the fall. Please keep praying, I don't need them any less now that I am on the home stretch. I almost need them more.

Kat

Oct/Nov pics...

Liam cutie pie.

















Bethany cutie pie.
Here is a picture of Jeff, Liam and my brother, Matt at the pumpkin patch.
Here is our house about 2 weeks ago.













Here is a picture of me just this week. As much as I hate the bald head, I knew I would want to show pics to the kids one day, so here I am. You can see a little hair fuzz on my head.

Good TV.

I just finished watching the Lifetime TV movie, "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy." I highly recommend it. It deals specifically with a young woman with Breast Cancer and many of the issues she faces. The husband doesn't represent Jeff, but I think he could be replaced by other people in my life. They are replaying it on Saturday night at 9 pm on Lifetime TV, so set your TiVo or VCR, its a good little watch. Here is a link to their website if you need to look up your local channel.

http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/originals/whyiworelipstick.php
(the link doesn't work with this blog, so just cut and past it into your browser)


Blessings,
Kat

Fall is in the air...

I love fall. I love the colder weather. I love the leaves falling. I am not a huge football fan, but I do love the excitement that brews in this little college town on each football game day. I have noticed that the recent weather change has made me feel better when I look to the mountains and see the most beautiful canvas created by God. I have felt better in recent days emotionally. I know I am so blessed and I often waver back and forth between life's daily dose of whatever I am supposed to consume for that day and my overwhelming sense of how many awesome things and people I have around me.

I have to laugh after my last blog entry, because those of you who were so quick to respond to how down in the dumps I was feeling over people's reactions to me, were exactly the people who DID NOT fit into that category. You all, and you know how you are, are the ones who emailed me to reassure me that you love and care for me. You all, are the ones who sent me letter and cards, words of encouragement and heartfelt notes to reassure me I wasn't forgotten. I guess it is likely you all who are left still reading this blog so faithfully, thus the ones who have been my support team holding my arms up, when I could no longer face the battle, are the ones I wasn't concerned about. Thank you for your hugs long distance, I really did feel hugged. I have to continually remind myself that this journey is not forever and that each ache and pain I feel physically or emotionally is only temporary.

Last week's chemo was a long day. Its a bummer with Taxol, that even though it has been overall easier on me, the day of chemo itself is a very long one. I leave the house at 7:30 am and don't return until 5:30 pm. Just writing that made me realize that cancer really is a full time job literally and figuratively. No amount of books, tv and chatting with my chemo buddy, Barb (she is on the same exact schedule I am and usually arrives at chemo about an hour after me) can fill that time and make it something fun.

I was feeling great the night of chemo and the next day. Not necessarily my normal self, but great in chemo terms. However, Thursday I woke up and everything screeched to a halt. I had terrible body pain and I was laid up all day. I felt like you do when you have a fever and everything hurts to even touch. Even my nails and teeth Hurt. I took a full range of my arsenal of pain meds, which helped with the pain but left me feeling groggy. I have felt better the last few days, but still have quite a bit of stiffness and random pains that kick in like "charlie horse's" when I least expect it. It feels like I have been standing on my feet all day. It is still easier to deal with then the side effects of AC, but not necessarily pleasant to deal with. I keep repeating, "2 more treatments, 2 more treatments."

Jeff took a weekend off from work this weekend, I was proud of him. I can't of tricked him into it. His sister Stefanie came up for the weekend and only I knew she was coming. I told Jeff he would need to clear some time for some stuff this weekend, but didn't tell him what. He feels a little overwhelmed with the amount of work facing him today, but we both agreed the time with his sister was worth it.

Our dear project foreman had his last day on our house project on Friday. I took 5 pages of notes of items we would now need to watch, follow up with, or keep an eye on. After a pointed note to the builder about the status of our project, we feel we are getting a bit more attention, but I also fear their frustration with us now becoming "difficult homeowners" has created a feeling that they will do the minimum to just get the project done. I don't know where the balance is between "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." and not just plain pissing them off with all of our frustration and pestering. I won't just sit on my hands and do nothing, we have too much vested in this project, but I also recognize that you can piss people off so much that they don't want to move a single inch more then they absolutely have to to help you out. We are skirting very close on this balance everyday. I have given up being in our home by Thanksgiving, now I am hoping for being in by my surgery on December 19th. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won't be putting up Christmas stuff this year, bummer.

I have continued to make soap when I can. I don't want to run out of anything like I did for a few things last year. I have also added some new items like, pink ribbon ducks ($1 of which will go to Young Survival Coalition, the organization for women under 40 with BC, I live on their site.) I also added a "no more stinky feet soap" with loofah chunks in it, a lemon soap, an orange soap, race car ducks, Jewish/Israel ducks, armed forces ducks, profession ducks, and on....and on. I hope to have my site updated after my show so people can start ordering again. Someday.

The kids are good, we picked out our pumpkins yesterday at the pumpkin patch. We did the hayride, maze and pumpkin thing. I don't care much for carving pumpkins, but I LOVE pumpkin seeds so I will likely pop them all open to at least get the seeds out so I can roast them. I am salivating just thinking about them. Yummy. The verdict is still out on what, if anything, we will do for Halloween. I would love to find a good church festival in town. I am not a big fan of the trick or treating thing.

Well I hope you all will be blessed as much as you bless me this week.

Love
Kat

Cancer's Roller Coaster.

I could have titled this entry, "antibioticked, again.", but since I have used that one several times, it is starting to sound as old as its getting. I have had an interesting mix of ups and downs over the last week and I just want to get back to a boring life again. Yes, I crave boredom. I crave a time where I don't wake up worried about health, basic functioning, fighting for life or even being so easily labored by life's details. Yesterday, I woke up with sinus congestion, again. I had been feeling so great the last two weeks. The pessimist in me knew it would come back, but I was so hoping I could feel healthy for the rest of chemo. By today the congestion was much worse and my (warning: too much information coming...) mucus was green (never a good sign). You enter an interesting balance at this point because I have now been on antibiotics 6 times since my surgery in June. At some point your body builds up a resistance to antibiotics and not only do they not work, but this is the problem that contributes to some of the "super bugs" or viruses that are circluating now, because they learn to resist antibiotics. So I called the Dr. and we discussed this issue, deciding that I would try a simplier antibiotic called the "Z-pack" or zyromyecin (I don't know if I'm spelling that right). If it doesn't work, I will likely just ride the wave of sickness through this time, unless I develop a fever.

Jeff is gone this week. He went to Northern VA (for those of you outside the state that is about 4 hours from where we now live.) He went to meet with some clients and potential clients in hope of continuing to grow what has now become an independent contracting business for him. He has had a flood of business in recent weeks and he has been working 70+ hours in front of the computer doing all the programming. Liam says, "Daddy pushes buttons on the computer." Its a mixed bag because he is getting work, lots of it, that has the potential of being lucrative for him and the other guy he has partnered with, but it is contract work, which means we won't necessarily know from month to month where we stand and if he gets too much work in a short deadline they will have to sub-contract it to others. I do feel like the Lord is leading him in this direction, but the fear of the unknown mixed with lack of benefits is unsettling for the future. He took Liam with him to spend the week at my parents house being spoiled by Nana and Granddaddy. I am afraid Liam will never want to come home to this boring, small apartment.

I had high hopes of getting tons of soapmaking done this week. For those of you who don't know, I have a soap making business in recent years, called VIRGINIA SOAPS. I do craft shows, special orders and some orders off my website. I have done none of these since my diagnosis and was bummed to be a no-show for two big shows I had scheduled almost a year ago for this fall because I just didn't have the strength or inventory to participate. I do plan on doing my biggest show of the year in Vienna, VA (that's up in NoVA) the week of Thanksgiving. Since our current living arrangements are not conducive to making soap, I have unpacked a large amount of this stuff to work on this week. I have made quite a few, but not as much as I would have liked as life issues keep coming up and calling me away. The illness hasn't helped the cause much.

In the other time, when Bethany comes home from school, we have been hanging out, had a "Girl's dinner" last night (her choice of restaurant, McDonald's) and she has been helping me "organize" my soap stuff by lining up ducks, monkeys, animals and instructing me on which to work on next. I have enjoyed our time together, but we both agree we miss the boys. They will return late Thursday night.

I also found out today that our favorite employee at the construction company is leaving in the next two weeks. I won't get into all the dynamics of the shake-up with the builder and how disappointed we have been, but the bottom line is he is really the last capable employee and now I will have to basically serve as contractor on my own home until its completion. We could be as soon as 4 weeks away, but with no one really overseeing it properly, I know from experience, things will get forgotten, misscheduled and delayed. So as of today, I am officially babysitting the builder with multiple daily calls and a virtual take over of the remaining details of the house. I can't explain how overwhelmed this makes me, but it just has to be done at this point, or we won't be in our house by the end of the year. I am stressed about it and highly annoyed that the builder has been so disappointing, but I can't spend my energy on blame or frustration, I need to redirect it into getting this project done. I feel resentful that all the fun of building our dream home has been sucked from my heart by Jeff's job loss, an uncertain future and the details that I shouldn't have to be in charge of, but in the end reality, must take over.

Confession time...
I have been feeling somewhat lonely in recent weeks. Yes, part of it may seem Jeff's absense for the week, but it is really more than that. Its funny with cancer (Ok, I'm officially crying now as I type) but people help you and say, "how are you?" and that is very important. Don't get me wrong, things like cards, meals, taking care of the kids are all very important, but people have a tendancy to take a step back from you emotionally. I had a flood of people offering prayers and good wishes at the beginning. I knew this would dwindle as people return to their lives (and they rightfully should.) There is also this certain distance that happens with everyone in your life that makes you feel like you are in a plastic bubble all by yourself. Part of it is the dwindling down of contact from people, part of it is that people always want to know what your physical needs are and how to address them. Part of it is people always gauging how you are doing as a whole based on how you are feeling physically. If you feel OK then everything is OK. Lets face it when we ask people in the grocery store, "How are you?" we don't really want them to say, "well I'm not throwing up, but I am not having my emotional needs met." I don't want to share that anymore then people want to hear it. Yet here I am feeling like most people have taken a step back from me. I don't think people know better, I honestly think most people feel like they just need to let me be left alone to heal, but ultimately what ends up happening is just a lonely shell of soul not knowing how or what to really ask for. The physical stuff is the easiest. I don't have the strength to make a meal, ask for a meal. I have errands to run, ask for someone to take the kids. How do you verbalize to people, "Man I really wish someone would call and pray over me today. Or why won't someone invite me to go shopping, or to the movies?" I crave someone to call and ask me specific questions that aren't "how are you feeling?" "how was this chemo?" "has Jeff found a job?". I can't expect this kind of attention from Jeff. He has way too much on his plate and I feel so guilty asking him for more then even the basic needs because he is really doing the job of 3 people as is. I try to ask for little of him emotionally because my emotional needs from him now really consist of pouring into the kids and providing for us and the future of this family financially. I don't feel guilty or expect that he should give more than that. It has worked well for us in recent weeks (on an emotional level) and frankly, since he is home all day, we both probably really need to be poured into from the outside anyway. When you try to fill one another's empty cup with only the drops you have in your cup, in just doesn't fill very far.

I am going to vent a little here and I have resisted the temptation to do this for a few weeks, because I don't want to offend any of you, but in an effort to be as geniuine and real as I can I am going to pour out my heart a little more. I am tired of people telling me they will call me next week. I am tired of people saying, they keep meaning to call or follow up with us. I am tired of false promises and poor follow through. I am tired of "I've been meaning to..." or "I tried to..." I would rather people just say hi and be on there way. Frankly, they promise or fake attempt just serves to make me more disappointed and makes me jaded to people's inability to follow through. I am not going to pretend I am perfect in this area, that I have never promised or said something that I haven't followed through on, but lately I have become particularly jaded to this. I have chemo, a part-time job, two kids, a husband, a house project, a soap business and yet I still make it a priority to meet with students on campus, so follow up with specific other breast cancer survivors and go to church every Sunday. I have learned so much about what people in need really need, so I will let you in on the secret...they need consistency. They need people to do what they say they will. They need people around not only right after the crisis, but 3 months later. They need people to not only ask how they are doing, but make an appointment to sit down and listen to the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why I stand at the door with my coat on ready to leave is not really an indication that you intend to stick around and hear the answer. Asking me how I'm doing why you've invited me to a coffee shop, is.

I know a large part of it is that I didn't have the chance to really develop the close friendships that I need now in the 9 months we lived in Blacksburg before my cancer, so frankly I just don't know who I would call to dump on around here. I have always been guarded in making close friends. It took me almost 2 years to become vunerable enough to share and learn about my dear kindred friend, Pamela, and once I did, I wish I had known her my whole life. Here is a woman that 250 miles away has learned more about me emotionally in the last few months than anyone else. I miss you Pamela.

So this entry was probably more than most of you all bargained for. I hope it doesn't make you feel guilty, that was not my intent. I really just wanted to share more of where my heart has been. I read a perfect quote this morning that really captured the esssence of my feelings, "Lord, please come forward because my boat is so tiny and this sea is so big."

Please pray that Jeff and I would feel comforted by how the Lord chooses to meet our needs. Please pray that we wouldn't have to reach out anymore, that maybe we could feel some reaching in. Please pray that I would be quickly healed from this latest sickness. Please pray for a safe return for my two men. Please pray for our house project that I could find the joy in it and I could be excited about all the ministry that will happen there someday.

thanks
Kat

Taxol not so taxing....

I had my first Taxol treatment today and as of right now I am fairing much better than with the AC treatments. Taxol is a much longer treatment, just a higher volume of liquids and medicines that have to put in your body. So I was at the oncologist from 9:45-3:45, it was a very long day. There were no delays so I can expect that each of these treatments will be just as long. For AC I was usually done by 1:30 or 2 pm.

I had to take a lot of steroids before the treatment. 5 pills before bed and 5 more throughout the night. Waking up to take them was a pain, but I got through it. I had an appointment at the Plastic Surgeon for another fill up and they even gave me a coupon for a free facial when I done with treatment in celebration of breast cancer awareness month, that was very cool. Facials are not cheap. I will see if the pain from this fill up is the same as others, it usually kicks in while I am sleeping the first night and the next day. I also talked to the Plastic surgeon about having the reaction to the biopsy dye removed when he does my implant surgery. It caused a large mass right after my surgery in June, and though it as shrunk to about the size of a kidney bean, having it there (in almost the exact spot of my cancer) just reminds me of cancer. I put my fingers on it all the time and I told him that even though I know it is just dead tissue, I want it removed, even if it requires another small incision. I don't need it there for my emotional thought process. Once I explained this to him, he was great about saying they would do what they could to remove it. (and biopsy just to make sure there was not breast tissue in it.)


I went to the oncologist and started my IV. First anti-nausea meds (I didn't have to take any oral stuff for that this time, like my $100 a pill Emend tablets) Then I had 45 minutes of benedryl and steroids. It made me feel like I had been drinking. Though I haven't had alcohol in years (it has not been kind to me since I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome) I felt like I had had 2-3 glasses of wine. I have a chemo buddy named Barbara who is on the same exact schedule as I am and we chat through chemo. She was about an hour behind me today and described the exact same feeling. We giggled like kids as we watched each other stumble back and forth to the bathroom like drunks. After that they let me sit for a half hour and let the steroids kick in throughout my system.

Then it was time for the Taxol. The Dr. and nurse had warned of possible allergic reaction. They said if it was going to happen it would be in the first half hour. So the nurse sat right next to me for that time. She said, "if you have a reaction it will feel like you are dying, like a heart attack, mixed with asthma attack, mixed with panic attack, so just know that we will pull you out of it and you are not dying." I thought, "oh, great." I appreciated her bluntness though. (If you haven't figured that out about me, I don't like then sugar coated, just hit me with it. When someone asks me, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" I always opt for the bad news first.)

Anyway, I did just fine, no reaction. So after that she let me finish it out and besides numerous trips back and forth to the restroom (they put a LOT of fluids in you during chemo) I was OK. Tonight I am more than my usual tired, but have no nausea. Usually, I am eating all plain noodles and water, but tonight I had a regular meal with the family. If the body aches kick in (the biggest post treatment side effect for Taxol) I will likely experience them in the next 3 days. I have various pain killers on hand to deal them, depending on how bad they might be. I will likely need extra sleep in the next few days too.

Next time I will bring more food, snacks and stuff to do, it is a much longer day to fill. The good news is that I think I will be fine to drive myself back and forth (Jeff had to drop me off, go back to Blacksburg, work a few hours, get Bethany off the bus after school and come back to pick me up --about a 40 minute drive back and forth each way.) I was over the "drunk buzz" after about an hour into Taxol.

In other news, Jeff had first decided he would be at chemo with me all day, but logistics with the kids didn't work out that way today. This turned out to be a huge blessing because he got a contract written up for a contract that could pay him more than 5 months of his last year's salary. So we are anxious to have the client sign it and he is confident they likely will. This will allow him to definately be at home to work through the rest of my treatment and into next year. YEA!

Jeff's parents left for their annual trip to Israel yesterday. We haven't heard from them yet, but usually don't in the first few days. We still have no word on how Walt is responding to his treatment, but he has no side effects either.

Our house is starting drywall this week and is really getting exciting more and more each time we visit. We are still on track for a late November move in. I am now working out flooring picks. I finalized kitchen cabinets, countertops all the kitchen details last week. That was probably the biggest single element of the whole house design that required the most detail work (lets just say I am really good friends with the guy at Lowes who has been working on the kitchen with me) and I am glad to have it behind us for now.

Kids are doing great, they are both such a blessing each day. Liam is becoming quite a little boy now, very articulate, very musical. Bethany is becoming a young lady and displaying great maturity each day. They both got new shoes that light up, and think they are the greatest. I got a chance to babysit a 2 month old baby for a few hours on Monday (I jumped at the chance when the girl I work with said she needed a sitter for a few hours) I told her I would do it for free because I needed a baby fix. The kids were great with him, especially the mommy in training, Bethany. I got my baby fix for few hours. Hard to believe the kids were ever that small. Still not ready to close my heart on the possibilty of more kids in our future, but not for at least another 2 years. So for now, I will just go from baby fix to baby fix.

Lastly, I found out on Friday that I am positive for the BRC2 gene. I will explain more about this later and what it means, but briefly...Scientists have discovered 2 of what are likely many mutations in the DNA strand that are specifically linked to developing Breast cancer. They call them BRC1 and BRC2, but in the future there will likely be several more. People who carry this gene (yes, men and women) have a dramatically greater chance of developing Breast cancer in their lifetime. This stat goes up with age. For me at 31, it is about 25%, but goes up by 10-15% every decade of age. Well, guess what, I've already had Breast Cancer. Normally, if a person comes back positive for this mutation they have to decide what to do about it. Sometimes it is just aggressive monitoring, digital mammograms, MRI, ultrasound, other people become more aggressive, like having their breasts removed before any cancer develops or having a oopherectomy or hysterectomy (because it also causes an increase in ovarian cancer). Each person has to decide how aggressive they will be. Since I have already had both breasts removed and have already made the decision to have a hysterectomy if and when I have more kids, this doesn't have any further implications for my course of action. However, this has huge implications for the rest of my extended family and my sister and mom. They will both be tested and likely other members of my mom's side of the family, but at this point, my mom has to have the gene, so as you can imagine this is a little disconcerting for her. She will have to discuss with her doctors the implication of this for her. For my sister, she has a 50% chance of having the mutation, and the same for Bethany as well. I will talk about all this more later.

Blessings, to you all...

Kat

Church talk.

For those of you who are interested, the day we shared at church is available to listen to online. It is part of a series on the Life of Joseph.

Click on the talk entitled "I Get Knocked Down" You will hear the pastor speak for a few minutes and we share in the middle of the talk.

I can't get the link to work from this page for some reason, so just cut and paste the following link into your browser....

http://nlcf.net/talks/the-life-of-joseph-series

Kat

Recent Pics...

All I want for christmas is my two front boobs...

How can you resist a cheesy title like that? This week has been a good week on many levels. On Tuesday I had my last AC chemo!!!!! This means I have arrived at the halfway point in my chemo and my next chemo will be a new cocktail of chemicals, called Taxol. (I will describe more about this later) I had the least amount of nausea yet with this last AC. I forgot to take my major expensive ($100 a pill) drugs on the second two days because I was feeling so good. I slept from the time I can home from chemo until the next morning, but then felt much better the next two days.

We had a special treat this week in that Jeff's Dad and Mom were able to visit us for two days as they were driving down the east coast from New Jersey. We didn't tell the kids and they were able to surprise Bethany as she got off the bus. It was a great sight to see her so excited. The day before she had come home kind of bummed saying she had had a "bad day, where some of her friends wouldn't play with her." I insisted we pray that she would have a better day the next day. I told her I had a feeling it was going to be better. When she got off the bus, she said, "Mommy, you are right, today is a better day!" I was out of commission the whole first day they were here, but I was able to visit with them the second day and even felt well enough to go out to dinner. The kids enjoyed their visit. Both Walt and Sue look well and are actively changing their lifestyles and diets to make themselves the most healthy they can be. Walt has indicated no side effects yet from his hormone treatment. They will not know for several months how his body is responding to it, but a big praise for no side effects.

I had my usual plastic surgeon's appointment before my chemo and I got a scheduled date for my "swap out" surgery. This is when he will remove my saline filled tissue expanders and insert my permanant silicone implants. It is scheduled for December 19th, so Merry Christmas to me (and Jeff) I am getting boobies for Christmas this year! I joked last year that I am getting to a point in life where it is hard to come up with things to ask for for Christmas anymore, but this year, I know exactly what I want. If you had told me last year, that this is what I would be asking for this year, I would have laughed in your face. Funny what a difference a year makes, eh? It will be a much simplier surgery then my mastectomy, but I will still likely have an overnight stay in the hospital. I have about 100cc more of "fill-ups" to do with my tissue expanders, right now I would guess I am at about a small "B" cup, for those of you who have asked.

So what is Taxol and how is this different? Both chemo's act like an exterminator would. The cancer is gone from my surgery, but when an exterminator comes they often spray a ring around your house to make sure no critters come into the home. Chemo is similar in that is kills off all dividing cells with the hope that if any single cancer cell got loose in my body before my surgery, the chemo will nip it in the bud. The two types of chemos attack different types of cells. So just as an exterminator would have a different spray for ants and bees, by doing both chemicals we hope to cover all the bases.

Taxol's side effects are usually much more mild. I will have some basic anti-nausea meds, but many people don't have to take them at all. With Taxol I will be dealing more with muscle & joint aches/pains, hand & feet numbness and tingling and a more general achiness. It is said to be easier then AC, yet given the cummulative effects of the AC and then several rounds of Taxol, it tends to get slightly worse each round as your body just continues its battle to recover. The biggest danger with Taxol is allergic reaction, so I will be on a large amount of steroids for the next 8 weeks to prevent this reaction. I am hoping I don't suddenly become puffy and gain a bunch of weight, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did happen.

Jeff is still plugging away at getting contract work. He has had no firm leads for a permanant job locally. (He has had some offers if we are willing to move back to NoVA, but we are not.) He is on the cusp of a whole bunch of contracts that if they all worked out could get us through the next 6 months pretty O.K., but in sales mode, it is all about waiting for the proposals to get through to all the right people and through all the red tape. So we just don't know what will close or not. For now we are ok and he tries to piece together enough work to get us through a few weeks at a time. We both feel that God is opening doors with this contract route, especially since we clearly aren't getting leads for jobs outside the home or local permanant stuff, but the uncertainty is making me admittedly anxious (please note I said me, not him, he has been quite firm in his faith that God will work this out.) I try not to think about it most days, because I know I just don't have the strength to worry about it, but when I do think about it, I wonder what God has in store. For now, I focus on us getting enough work to get me through chemo and into our new house (likely within the same 2 weeks with current schedules.) I am thankful that this contract work continues to allow Jeff to be home and take care of me and the kids, I don't know how we would do it without him. We have settled into more of a routine now with each of my chemo cycles, but he still is working the job of at least 3 people right now with contracts, kids, cooking and cleaning. We just focus on one day at a time, one week at a time.

I can't wait to feel like I am contributing again, playing with the kids, cleaning up the house, cooking. Each of these things requires so much energy, it makes me enter each day with such high hopes of what I will accomplish. Last night I wiped down the kitchen floor, after Liam had totally trashed it at dinner, and by the time I was done, I was exhausted. You would have thought I would have been running or something.

Lastly, please pray for my sleep. I have had terrible bouts of insomnia and even though I am exhausted when I lay down at night, I toss and turn and lay awake for hours on end. It is a common side effect of chemo and is usually related to the steroids that run through my blood stream so much. I have sleeping pills, but try only to take them when I really need to sleep solid, like the night before I work. I don't want to grow dependent on them. It is rough on Jeff because I toss and turn so much and then I am so exhausted, even with the best of intentions the night before, I can't hardly get up to help out with the kids, get Bethany ready for school and just give him a chance to recover sleep himself.

Many blessings to you all,
Kat

Cancer sucks...

Boy, did I mention I hate cancer? In the last 24 hours I have found out that 2 close college friends are now waiting to hear if they have cancer. One is a male and one is a female. The female's husband called me to pray for her, and I hadn't talked to them in years. He didn't even know about my summer fun with cancer and I told him not to be burdened by not knowing, but since she is waiting on a diagnosis for a female related cancer I was able to give him so brief information on what he might be facing and reassurrance that her particular situation isn't as dire as he might fear given the specifics. I guess now I am beginning to see one of the reasons God had me do all that research on cancer this summer, not just for me, but hopefully to benefit others. Please pray for both of these people. They both have families and kids and I know first hand the waiting is one of the worst things in the world, because your mind fills with all the worst possible scenarios.

I have been feeling a little better the last two days. I had been in bed for 5 days in a row, so I am happy to be somewhat functional again. When I contacted the Dr. about my persistant cough and sinus issues, he finally said that it may be that this may be a side affect of chemo for me that I have to deal with each round. Since I have already been through two rounds of antibiotics and 3 1/2 weeks later I am still not "well" yet, I am beginning to think he may be right. He said it is a rare type of side effect, but it has happened in his experience.

Since the last two days may be the best I feel for the next several weeks I have tried to catch up on thank you notes, paperwork, house stuff and general house work, trying to find a balance between not over doing it and actually being productive. I actually got up and got Bethany ready for school and on the bus today for the first time in two weeks. Jeff really needed the sleep and I even had time to braid Bethany's hair. I am sure the teacher noticed it and realized that Mommy did Bethany's hair today. (not that Jeff does a bad job, but he is a simple hair clip kind of guy, and I don't blame him. He has come a long way in 5 years on the girl hair thing. I am proud of him.)

The highlight of the last few days was when we shared at church on Sunday at the morning and evening services. I was still feeling kind of sick, but it was worth the yucky feeling to get out of the house and share our story in the midst of the storm. We shared about my cancer, Jeff's dad's cancer, Jeff's job loss and the date order of all the major surgeries, events this summer. We started the talk by listing all the plans we had for ourselves this year, then we redirected to God's plans for us this year. I actually heard audible gasps when we said that Jeff had lost his job the day I started chemo. I wanted to scream, "yes, life does suck, you don't have to tell me, but guess what, I AM STILL HERE NOW!" We really wanted to convey to the church (keep in mind they are 95% college students) that even in the center of the fire God is standing in our midst with us. It doesn't mean we aren't mad or sad or angry. It doesn't mean we think its fair or like it, it just means he is weeping with us. It was a huge blessing to us to reflect on the last few months in a whole picture and to see how far God really has carried us (and I do mean carry, no walking with me here, he has been dragging me.) through the last few months. We were flooded by people coming up to us after wanting to help in any way they could. Three different girls came up to us with tears in their eyes asking to cook, clean, babysit, anything they could. We exchanged numbers and I am hearing from God (not a whisper anymore) that I need to swallow my pride and call these people when we need help. I have already lined up a meal and 2 babysitting needs, you guys would be so proud of me.

Its funny in "cancer circles" a lot of people complain that others are so insensitive about what they say or do when they hear you have cancer. However, I feel like I have really seen the best in people since my diagnosis. People I had frankly written off in my life have been my support, people I barely knew have become cheerleaders and strangers have begged to have the opportunity to help. Just as I watched the replay of the 9/11 tragedy this week and how it brought out the best in this country, I have seen my personal tragedy has really brought out the best in people in my life.

This Tuesday will be my last AC treatment and the official halfway point of my chemo treatment. I will then begin Taxol treatments which have their own set of issues which I will delve into later.

Please keep your cards, notes, emails, calls, and encouragement coming. It never gets old. When I can get this blog to let me post pictures again (for some reason it won't lately) I will post a picture of the wall I have hung all my cards on, it is awesome. I love you all.

Kat

Prayer request

I have mentioned it before, but I spend a lot of time on a website called Young Survival. org. It is a site dedicated entirely to women under 40 with breast cancer. It is literally my group therapy and has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I correspond with women on a daily basis who are facing the same issues I am. I have grown quite close to several of the women on the boards.

Please pray for one of these women, Tracy, in the midst of battling Breast Cancer her husband was killed in a motorcycle accident last night. I cried reading her post. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine and I ache to think of how she must be feeling.

I don't know where she lives, or a whole lot of details, except that her husband's name is Robert.

Please pray for Tracy today.

Kat

Round 3 down, 5 more to go...

I had my 3rd of 4 A/C treatments on Tuesday. At first I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to do it because of my bout with pneumonia last week. I wasn't sure if my blood counts would be high enough (especially my white blood cell count, that is the one that goes haywire when you are sick) My counts were fine and I "got to" proceed with chemo.

I still have a lingering cough, but in general it is much better than it was. I have officially settled into a chemo routine, though I don't ever want to find a comfort zone, as that would mean I have allowed myself to think of this time as more than temporary.

I had almost no nausea this time around, which I am very thankful for. I think the ironic thing is that one of the big reasons I didn't have nausea this time around is because I constantly had mucus in my throat from the cough, which helped with the nausea. Who knew?

I am definately feeling the "cumulative" affect of the chemo on my general strength. I get tired much more easily now. I can be doing something simple like dishes or writing this blog and suddenly feel like I need a nap. I have to be weary of how I plan my time so that I don't get stuck exhausted somewhere. I have limited my work shifts to 5 hours max to help prevent this.

I have one more A/C chemo and then I will begin the Taxol. Some people say the nausea is much better with Taxol, but the muscle aches are much worse. Some say the Taxol is just easier across the board. This is a prayer request, as I would obviously much rather have the easier side of things.

Chemo plays some funny games on your body. Some of them I had been warned about, others are so random to me. The hair loss thing is not absolute. I still have to shave my legs as regularly as I would have before chemo, almost all my head hair is gone (I have kind of a general prickly fuzz all over) and I have lost about half of the rest of my body hair. I still have all of my eyebrows and eyelashes, but no other facial hair. It is such a strange combination. My body is generally out of whack, alternating between constipation and diarrhea, afraid to take meds for either thinking that it will cause the other. I have hot flashes from chemo induced menopause, but yet still a light period here or there. I feel like each day is a giant wheel that gets spun by someone "what are Kat's symptoms, today?" ....looks like we are going with headache, mixed with dry mouth with a later development of hand numbness. Chemo is such a strange state of being, you never know what you will get from day to day.

I had my bi-weekly "fill up" at the plastic surgeon right before my chemo. I have experienced no pain from these fill ups until this point. My tissue expander and eventually my implant are placed behind my pec muscle. Normally, if a woman gets implants these are placed in front of the muscle, it is easier and allows for more expansion. However, in a reconstruction patient, a lot of drs. like to place the implant behind the muscle. They feel this gives another line of defense if future cancer is ever discovered along the incision line, or in the pec muscle. This gives them the chance to radiate this area without ruining the implant. At some point in your expansion process this pec muscle will expand to its max before it starts to get stretched. I am at that point now. So this expansion is the first where I am in quite a bit of pain in my pec muscles as a result of this stretching. I have been taking pain killers at night just to sleep. I will have to get less in each fill up from here on out to prevent this painful stretch. The good news is that the Plastic surgeon asked me if I would like to go ahead and schedule my "swap out" surgery (the surgery where they exchange your tissue expanders for your permanant implants and "pretty up" the breasts) I can have it as soon as 3 weeks after my last chemo. I told them I would like to have it before the end of the year because of our shakey health insurance situation. So I will likely have this surgery the 3rd or 4th week of December. Yah, Merry Christmas, here's some new boobs. :)

Jeff is still job hunting. Had some interviews, no official offers yet. He has gotten some more contract leads that we think will get us to December, so we are taking one day at a time.

We are sharing "our story" at church on Sunday. We wanted to share while we were in the midst of the storm. We often see people share in front of our churches that have come out of difficulty and can sing the praises of being lost and now found. We don't often see people who are in the midst of the storm and don't know how or if they will come out of it, share about where their faith is on all this. That's where we are, and that's what we will share about. Please pray that our words will be a blessing to others in the church. We don't want it to be a display for others to feel sorry for us, we want it to be a triumph of how Christ works in the midst of the chaos too.

Many blessings to you
Kat

Antibioticked, again...

This will be a short post, because I am on bedrest. I have pneumonia. Yep, I was fine on Wednesday. I had a sore throat and a small cough, but I didn't think much of it. By Wed at midnight I had a nasty cough. After several calls back and forth to the oncologist he immediately put me on antibiotics (thank God for 24 hour pharmacies). We debated about whether I should go to the ER for a chest x-ray. He agreed to let me sleep it out since I did not have a fever, despite the coughing a wheezing, under the agreement that if I had a slight fever or got any worse during the night I would go to the hospital immediately.

The next morning I talked to the oncologist again and he put me on a narcotic cough medician and put me on strict bed rest for the next several days.

I am frustrated on many levels. First, I am frustrated that Jeff has so much more work to do now. At least even with chemo nausea I am functional to help with the family a least a couple hours a day. The last 2 days I have not been able to contribute ANYTHING to the house. So he is getting Bethany ready for school, caring for Liam all day, looking for a new job, doing phone interviews, cooking meals for all of us, cleaning the house, finishing his current job so he can get his severance, dealing with house building crap, and now caring for me and my needs. He has not complained, but I know he is exhausted physically and emotionally. I feel so useless to the family at this time. I know all the BS about how my job is "to heal", but that doesn't make me feel much better. Please pray for Jeff and his strength. Please continue to pray for his job situation, it is so stressful to be in limbo. He has some great leads, but still nothing concrete yet.

Please throw in a quick prayer for my healing, especially in time for my next chemo on tuesday so there would be no delays. (I know this seems funny to pray for healing so I can get sick again.)

This too shall pass...

Walt met with his oncologist yesterday and got his first hormone shot. I have not spoken to them about the details of the appt., and I know they have not received the lab work from their surgery yet. They have decided not to start radiation until they return from a trip to Israel in October. Again, I don't know the full details of all these timing decisions. That is the only update I have for now.


Kat

Getting back to life.

I haven't posted since my haircut, primarily because I needed to get out of "me" for a while. I realized it is so much nicer to think about Bethany's first day of school, the students returning to campus, the details of our new house, returning to work at Starbucks and getting back to meeting with students on campus, then it is thinking about cancer.

Someone asked me yesterday, why I don't seem more mad at God, why I am not pissed at him, or asking why me? I realized in that moment it is because it takes so much more effort to let anger fester and bitterness take over. It is so much more freeing to focus on joy, fun and the good things of life. The fact of the matter is, its not God's fault I have cancer. Yes, he allowed it (I know this is a huge theological discussion for another day) Cancer is about biology. In the same way I don't "praise him" when a papercut heals, (maybe I should) I can't turn and blame him for cancer. I don't know if we will ever really know what causes cancer, but it could be my choices, my genetics or my enviornment. Any way, blaming him does me no good.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling sorry for myself. The last of my hair is now completely falling out, it is itchy and makes my scalp hurt a little. I try and rub off what I can in the shower and I have shaved some areas, but I have found that by shaving it shorter and makes my scalp more tender, so for now, I will let it fall out at will. I woke up Sunday realizing that this was going to be the first big day of facing people I know and trust, with my new wig, many of whom knew I knew that they knew that I was wearing a wig (did you catch that?). I have never been so self conscious in my life as I am when I leave the house wearing a wig. I am not exactly sure why. Maybe its because I don't want to be felt sorry for, maybe its because I feel like I am trying to keep up some kind of rouse on the world. Maybe its because I don't want to answer questions about cancer, especially to people who haven't seen me in months and may ask, "hey you have a new haircut, what's that about?" (I saw 3 such people at a single trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and purposely avoided all 3 becaue I just didn't want to answer that question.)

I have opted for the wig route whenever I leave the house for 2 big reasons. First, I just don't want to stand out to people who don't know me. I see it already in the looks from people who know me (the eyes rat you guys out everytime) its the "poor kat" look and I have learned to hate it. Second, the kids are still a little unsettled about my bald head (especially Bethany) and they get excited when I wear my wig. The last thing I want is Bethany seeing some kid she knows from school, while I have a bald head, and she gets teased about it. She is still in that blissful age of life where she doesn't realize people can be so mean, and she doesn't realize there is something wrong with mommy being "different" right now. (Don't we wish this could last forever?)

Anyway, after feeling sorry for myself Sunday morning, we went to church. Church was packed. Its the first major Sunday after the students return for school at Tech and it was standing room only. It was so exciting to see that many students packing into a place to go to church (I think it was at least 650). I was quickly jolted out of myself when I realized that the big news was all these kids coming to learn about Christ (without mom and dad's prodding) and not my stupid issue of my new wig. I felt the adrenaline pumping as they continued to pour in and I found it a huge blessing to witness such a gathering. I have known for several years now that God has given me a special place in my heart for college students. There is such a yearning for independence and for many, the first time their faith and decisions are completely their own. I love watching and experiencing this coming of age, and it is the reason I love the students I meet with on campus for Bible Study and "mentoring" time. A couple of people I know commented on my hair, but it just wasn't that big of a deal, and frankly it shouldn't have been.

Our pastor is a gifted teacher who has a unique ability to speak the truth with humor and frankness, that I find so refreshing. He is speaking now on Joseph, I think primarily geared towards the new changes and obstacles facing college students, but every word has spoken to me directly in the changes I have been facing about cancer. His messages are available to listen to online, if you would like to hear some good teaching you can listen to them at: http://nlcf.net/talks/the-life-of-joseph-series

I also had a meeting and a phone conversation with two great women. One is a student I will continue to meet with this year and one is a woman who is coming on staff with a campus ministry I love called InterVarsity. Both are people I hope to focus on praying for and encouraging as they work on campus and focus on God's callings in their lives. Both conversations were amazingly uplifting and really helped me realize that it is so much more fun and energizing to focus on other people's needs and prayers then to sit around and think about cancer all the time.

I had my second round of chemo on tuesday and I am thankful that there was less nausea. However, I did experience some more achy feeling this time from the Neulasta shot (a white blood cell recovery med, that I need every round the day after chemo). It feels very much like you are "getting" the flu for a few days, but then subsides. I will take ache over puke anyday. I am hoping by the next few rounds I will get the magic combination of drugs and food down to make the first couple of days after chemo as smooth as possible. For now, it seems that I have chemo on Tuesday, I am laid up the rest of that day, all day Wednesday, somewhat functional mid-day Thursday and Friday (the mornings and evenings can be rough) and then back to relative normal by Saturday until the next round.

I started back to work at Starbucks on Saturday for the first time since my diagnosis (June 9th) and it felt so good. I worked 4 hours and it was relatively slow, but I was glad to get back to the business of real life again. I wore my wig with a bandana over it on top (not uncommon for people to wear bandanas there to keep their hair back). One girl I work with knows my story so she didn't ask about it. The other two employees were new and I didn't offer any info. I do not want to be known as the "cancer girl". As far as my regular customers that asked about me. Most of them I just said, "I took some time off this summer." Only one, whom I have gotten to know quite well over the last year, did I tell the whole story. Turns out she has battled colon cancer in the last 4 years, and we developed an immediate kinship. I agreed to pray for her and her inlaws battle with illness and she agreed to pray for me and inlaws battle with illness.

I hope to increase my hours over the next several months, especially if we need to pick up benefits from Starbucks. The wonderful thing about working for them, is that if I can work 20 hours average a week, they will give me full benefits. Since we just received our first bill for our new insurance premium, ($987.00) this will become necessary sooner rather than later if Jeff's job situation continues to be piecing together short term contract work. Yes, I know that's a lot of money to pay a month, put if it puts it into any kind of perspective as far as what a blessing that is, let me say this....Each chemo costs $5,000. Each Neulasta shot, for each chemo, costs $3,000. Each Emend pill I take for nausea cost $100. I take 3 per round. Since I am having chemo twice a month that means without meds, additional drs. visits, scans or tests, my next 3 months will cost at least $16,000 a month! So for now, we will be thankful to pay $987.00 a month.

Lastly, but certainly not least. Bethany started school on Wednesday with flying colors. We waiting for a half an hour for the bus and then it came, she got on, and left again in a flash! She was so confident and excited, I was so proud of her independence. I really didn't have the physical wear with all to get emotional (keep in mind this was the morning after chemo, not a good time for me physically) but with ice chips in hand we waited out there and I did fine. I came back inside and went straight back to bed. She has done great her first 3 days, learning rules, buying lunch in the cafeteria like a big girl and making friends (I am sure she is probably the classroom social director by now, yah, I know, apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) She goes for a full day, and they even include naptime (though she insists there is never actually any sleeping, but I am sure the teachers need the break.) I think it is so good for her to be at school right now, she hardly even noticed my last round of chemo, and that's the way it should be. Liam has been awesome at home with his additional one on one time with Mommy and Daddy and even his Occupational Therapist who comes to work on his Sensory Disorder issues has notices a change in him. I have enjoyed my one on one time with him that he has never really got to experience before since there was already another kid in place when he was born.

I have no new news on Jeff's dad. He is back home in Florida trying to return to his real life again. He has not met with an oncologist yet, I think it is all because of logistical reasons of insurance and scheduling, but he will have his first meeting with one this week. I have had a couple of conversations with my oncologist with what Walt may be facing ahead. He talked at length about hormonal therapy for prostate cancer and said he had some patients who had been diagnosed with "Advance Prostate Cancer" that he had now been treating for 10-12 years. Our prayer for Walt is that his cancer is the type that is hormonally driven, because this will mean that hormone supression could treat his cancer for quite a long time. I will keep you updated.

As for Jeff's job search. He has a string of short term contracts that will get us through mid-October. By October, when several companies fiscal year's start he will likely be able to add more contract work that will get us through to at least December. He also has a job interview tomorrow for a job based in Roanoke area (about 30 min away), but they have indicated their might be a great deal of travel involved, so we are not sure if this is a good thing or not. With the contract work we can get the money for our family, but no benefits (that would have to be where Starbucks comes in), but it would also allow Jeff to continue to work at home, which would allow me to work at Starbucks and also allow him to continue to hold up the family (and me) after each of my chemo rounds. A full time job somewhere else will likely provide us with a higher salary and benefits, but he would have to commute everyday, and for the short term and long term that would be a bummer, because I like having my hubby around, he is my best friend. So I am not sure how to pray on this, I guess just chalk it up to praying God's perfect will.

Thank you a thousand times over for the family stories, updates and emails you all have sent. I read them sometimes 3 or 4 times and I have looked at all the stories, links and websites. Please keep them coming!

Heres the pics of GI Jane, Kat Style...

We had a hair cutting bonanza tonight. The kids did great. Bethany said, "Mommy this was so much fun, I loved it, this was the funnest night ever!" I sorely underestimated how well she would handle this. Liam just ran around in circles and laughed when he saw my head. I feel like I look like a boy (especially with the flat chest) I may have to up my makeup usage a little. I also feel a little like a lesbian wanna be. The pictures say it all...

Before...









Chemo mullet, during...

Me with my new wig.

All the hair I'm donating.

Baldy Kat.

Hair today, gone tomorrow...

OK, I admit, I couldn't wait to use that title's bad pun.

The time has arrived, like a huge bill after Christmas credit card spending. The time has come. Last night I went to bed around midnight (I have had quite a bit of insomnia in the last week with all the meds in my body). Right before I went to bed I went to the bathroom and noticed the tell tale sign, my hair was falling out. I will spare you the initimate details, but the body hair is the first to go, arms, sometimes leg, pubic ,etc. I ran my fingers through my head hair (which had been tied up most of the day) and sure enough large amounts of hair came with it. I wouldn't describe it as "chunks" of hair as some people have, been it definately has begun.

I cried. I am not sad about the hair itself. God knows I have been fighting it for years. As women we are constantly trying to pluck, wax, relocate, move, pin down, shine up or tame. After years of trying to fight off the mono-brow, now my last wish is that I wouldn't lose my eyebrows. Boy how life comes full circle.

I cried because I feel like I am "outed" now. I will now have to make the choice each time I leave the house whether I will put on a wig, hat or scarf. I am hoping I really like how my wig feels, because especially when I visit Bethany's school, I want to look as normal as possible. I don't want to look like the gaunt cancer patient. If I could sum up the one thing I hate the most in this journey, (ok two things, the gripping fear is definately the worst), but a close second would be the feeling that people are feeling sorry for me. I see it in their eyes when they look at me. I hear it in their words when the speak to me. I feel it in a room when I walk in. Its the elephant of cancer in the room, sometimes spoken about, sometimes not. I just want to be able to go to Wal-Mart like no big deal. I don't want people to see my as "that poor lady, she must have cancer" I don't want to be the teaching case of parents for their kids..."hey mommy why doesn't that lady have hair?" "Well, dear its because she has a yucky sickness callled cancer." The other side of it is the people who know me well, know I am losing (or will have lost) my hair and whatever I have on my head (especially a wig) is really just fake. I know it, they know it, we may not speak of it, but its there.

Here's my plan of attack. I am not going to wait for it all to come out on its own. I really want to donate my hair to "Locks of Love". It is a non-profit organization that makes wigs for children who are going through cancer or allopecia (a permanant hair loss disease). This little ship of hair has sailed me this far and its time to let someone else enjoy it for a while. I have been very particular about conditioning the last few months, knowing that I would want the strongest hair possible to donate.

Tonight, I will put my hair in ponytails and chop it off. I want the kids to be as involved as possible and we have been talking for a few weeks about this exciting chance I have to give my hair to little girls who need it. I want them to be excited about this, my new hats, my new wig and not scared about mommy's new strange head. I will let them help cut my hair and we might even make a "party" out of it. After that I will probably shave it off. I have heard that If I don't it will be come itchy, tender and I will find hair "everywhere" around the house. I will take lots of pictures and post them here as we go through this.

I have a favor to ask you....please don't say the following things to me, even if they are truthful
1. Your head is so nicely shaped
2. you are a beautiful baldy
3. Your wig looks so real
4. you can pull of this look so well
5. this is only temporary
6. {insert celebrity} looked great bald, and you look like her
7. you can pull of hats so well, you are definately a hat person
8. you don't need hair to be beautiful
9. your inner beauty is really shining through
10. you will look back on this time and feel stronger for it.

I know these things, I've heard these things. It doesn't make me feel any better. If it makes you feel better, I feel like I have more self-esteem right now then any other time in my life. I even did a self-esteem excerise with one of the girls I meet with back in May, before all this, and I feel better about my body, my life, my place in this world then ever before. But, I don't like feeling patronized or felt sorry for, so I guess that's why I can't handle the above statements.

On another note, Walt is home now, it much less pain and awaiting visits to the first round of drs. to begin his treament.

Love you all
Kat

Funniest thing in a long time....

This link to an article in "the Onion" (a spoof magazine) is hands down the funniest thing I have read since my diagnosis. Please take a moment to read it, I had tears of laughter running down my face by the end.

Kat

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51596

I've been antibioticked.

Its the new verb I created for when you call the dr. and he puts you on an antibiotic. This has happened to me 4 times already this summer, so it officially a verb now. Somebody contact Webster's.

I am still battling with my headcold and since (sorry this is graphic) my mucus is yellow and not clear it is time for antibiotics. I am ok with this as I want to be healthy enough by tuesday to have my next chemo on time. I don't want this part to take anymore, even a day, longer than it has to.

My spirits are dramatically different. I have a new treatment regiment, I call it laughter-chemo. Its when your friends and loved ones send you the coolest emails, family updates, Julie Andrews "favorite things", funny links and cool cards that make you forget about cancer a few minutes at a time. My aunt Mary sent me the greatest box of hats today to add to my growing collection, and besides the bummer of losing my hair, I can't wait to start wearing them. She even included some Harley Davidson "doo-rags" that I love. Blacksburg is cold and I will get a chance to wear all my hats, even with a wig, I will likely need both once fall rolls in.

I've also decided to get out of myself as much as I can. I have contacted a girl I met with on campus last year to start meeting again for Bible study time and I would like to start meeting with another girl the Lord's put on my heart. I would enjoy dealing with other problems people have like boyfriends and bad grades, over my junk.

I have spent a lot of time on line following your links of humor and trivia, keep them coming! I also live on a website called Young Survival. org which has become my free psychologist in all this. It is a website dedicated entirely to woman with breast cancer under 40. It has a message board with all kinds of issues from how to talk to your young kids, to stupid things people have said to us since we had cancer. Jeff has started calling it my "group therapy" time, and he is so right. There are plenty of local cancer support groups for breast cancer, but as the leader of it told me, "we haven't had someone under 50 in this group in quite a long time ." I will end with just one story a woman told on this site that had me laughing so hard I almost cried.

Another woman had shared that the 50th person had come up to her and told her about their relative that had breast cancer (I will tell you so you know, we breast cancer survivors love it when other survivors come up to us, but are not too thrilled when people share stories of other people they know with Breast cancer because it is second hand information from someone who doesn't quite get what its like to be in the midst of this. ) Believe it or not, and this has happened to me, people will relay their detailed stories about someone who had breast cancer and died and long horrible death from it. [great, thanks for the encouragement] Anyway, this woman was in line at Wal-mart and the cashier told her a long detailed story of how her mom had died from BC and noticing that my friend was bald she said, "what kind of cancer do you have, is it a bad one?" To which my friend replied, "I have cancer of the ass, but I have had reconstruction, would you like to touch it to see how real the implants feel?" I am sorry, but this is so funny to me. My friend said the cashier couldn't tell if she was serious so she declined the offer and stopped talking.

Keep the good stuff coming, I love the family updates.

Kat

Better, Worse, or about the same?

For those of you who don't know what that title means, you have never been to the eye doctor. For those of you that are not blessed with eagle eyes like Jeff has, and have near blindness (like I used to have before Laser Eye Surgery last year) you will know exactly what that means....

BETTER
Today is better emotionally for us. We are functioning at normal again. The kids got 3 square meals today, Liam got his diaper changed in a timely manner and I brushed my teeth for the first time before 4pm. I am focusing on keeping busy and functional. I even called Starbucks to tell them I am ready to ease back into work, I will start with one day next Saturday, I can't wait. I took Bethany to buy her school supplies and pick out her first day of school outfit (a cute butterfly embroidered capri pant with a matching peach and white flower and butterfly top, I will post pictures after her first day) I have been working on a ton of building stuff for our new house. I don't think I even mentioned to you all that on Monday our general contractor was fired (feel free to insert laugh here, I did) We are using a builder and they are scrambling to use the rest of the staff to replace him. Frankly, we have almost been our own general contractor on this job, so I forwarded all my info to the builder to have them pick up where the other guy left off. It has been a nice distraction in all that.

{insert whisper here} perhaps God knew that I would need to be this involved and the delays would need to happen for my emotional healing and sense of contribution as well as seeing something being built while I felt torn down.

WORSE
I woke up last night (about 4 am) with the worst headache I've ever had in my life, no exaggeration. It was clear to me that it was a sinus headache and immediately I knew that the perfect storm of my low white blood cell count window and the kids colds that have had in the last week and merged together in my head. I will confess that I am a huge medicator. I love cold medicine and don't completely understand why everyone doesn't use the huge arsenol of cold meds available as soon as symptoms hit. Unfortunately, as long as I'm on chemo I can't take ANYTHING, including the basics like Tylenol without Dr.'s approval. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, some of them don't react well with the chemo drugs, or may cause my blood to thin (this is not good) but the other major reason is because drugs can mask deeper issues. If I take Tylenol for a simple headache it may mask the life threatening fever that lies beneath. If I get a bad cold or even worse flu at this time it could very easily land me in the hospital. So, knowing this I wrestled in my bed and then spent an hour in the bathroom trying all the old school techniques, warm compress, steam, etc. Nothing worked consistently and certainly not in a way that allowed me to get any sleep. Finally, when the pain was bad enough that I thought I would vomit, I woke up Jeff. He plugged in the heating pad for me and I literally slept with it on low on my face for the next hour. When I woke up I stumbled to phone, I must have looked like a hung-over college student, and called the Dr.

I begged him for some drugs. He talked with the "others" (it must be the same people they talk about in 'Lost'--if you don't watch that show, you won't get that comment) and they had me take my temp several times. When they were convinced that I was fever free they allowed me to take 2 tylenol and an allergy med (Claridin) which Jeff had to go out and get me. AFter two hours I felt like a new woman and went about the rest of my day feeling like I had a cold, but relatively normal.

ABOUT THE SAME
We called Walt last night. He is still in Atlanta, layed up from surgery. He is admittedly in pain, and not anxious to move, let alone sit in a car for 6 hours, anytime soon. He was, of course, in his usual good spirits and I chuckled that the majority of the conversation was spent telling Jeff some changes he wanted on his web site. They are scheduled to return home on friday. We will keep you updated on all this.

Thank you for your prayers, hopes, wishes and emails. Keep sending the funny, quirky and interesting, I think that has helped me turn the corner in the last few days....no...I know it has.

Kat